lips, hips, and wishes

i wish i could fix everything. i wish that my actions would align with my words when i say, 'i love you,' to someone. i wish i could make the hurt go away from the people i love. i wish that i could just snap my fingers and they would understand that i love them, and that Christ loves them more than anyone ever could. i wish i could show that people hurt everywhere around the world and that they are not alone. i wish i could say something to someone and they wouldn't ignore me just because i am me. i wish i could send a messenger to tell them something that would make them see as they were supposed to. i wish my love didn't depend on someone's lack of love for me. i wish i could understand everyone's love and hurt. i wish i just instinctively knew what to do for everyone. i wish the hate i show others would be aimed at myself and the same for others, so that we all could see how to "love others as ourselves."

"keep wishing and see how full your hands get."

wishing doesn't do anything, so maybe i'll pray.

i'm sorry i couldn't help you when i was supposed to.


shalom.

a cautious crawl and a hopeful hindsight

Once we finished working, Heath and I headed home. Smile on his face and stone on mine. He cautiously crawls the gasoline powered box down the snow-packed driveway and turned right as we joked to each other, smiling for a few and laughing for all. He sped the white and rust colored box over the train tracks and up the hill.
Left onto a snake of a snow road creeping the weed of a forest. He attempts to fish tail around a curve and sticks the car off the road. I step out and push the car back on it's designated track. I look down.
"Is the car leaking mountain dew?"
We laugh again.
A right after the small foot bridge, then all that is heard is the loud buzz of the car's engine.
"Do you ever feel like you're not yourself?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know how to describe it... Like you totally don't know what's going on? Like you're not there. Literally. Like you're looking through a glass... It scares me... to the point of almost crying..."
"Sometimes..."
"I feel like that so much..."

C.S. Lewis wrote that Heaven is more real than the life we live right now. I understand. Not fully, but I understand...
When I look through my eyes and feel as if I'm not at my life.
When I get a thought like, "who am i?"
When I listen to someone shoot the breeze and think, "Where is the goal of this?"

One day we will not be limited by these "senses" that are supposedly our only measurements given to measure reality.
And we may understand what and why we do what we do. Or we may undestand something totally different.
Shalom.

Ha Ha

Now Listening to: Shawn Mcdonald playing distantly above me and Double Dare 2000 playing in the living room behind me.

I just read one of my first additions to this site from back in November. It was something written in an art class to define this charcoal picture I made of myself and describing why I did it in such a way. It's funny to read it now. It's funny to see how I think I am still that person, but deep down, I know I have been changed.
It is impossible not to change.
It's funny to see how I have not changed for the better. I guess it is more sad than funny.
Don't not be led astray; I am not losing my faith.
The fact is, did I ever really have "faith". In this American mind set, we have been raised to think that faith is a mind set. That is wrong. Faith is how we live. Faith is acting, for our actions show what we actually believe. Covering me in this mediocre Christianity that is thrown upon me like an oversized throw rug, weighing me down to the ground. Paralyzed.
Haha. Satan is definitely working in a different way then he used to. The mind is a powerful thing. Lies fed to me like, "Think about every small detail of how you are supposed to be perfect. Do not act first and find out by simply following what you have been taught".
Spiritual warfare is something I thought I believed in, but now I understand it is very true and very unnoticeable (for that is what the evil wants- for us not to know).
That's funny. That our minds can be used against us.
It is a little more sad than funny...

s h a l om.

"Things must change in order to stay the same"

I once heard someone-- I forget who-- say, "Things must change in order to stay the same."
Craziness. People change so much. One day you know a person better than anyone else knows them; the next day they do something that just makes you say, "Who is that person?!?"
How is it that I can be one person one moment and another person the next moment, yet remain "Ryan Wayne DeWalt"?
What makes me me? Am I the things I own? Am I the actions I take? Am I the thoughts I think? Am I a follower of Christ and that's all that matters? Is the only reality embedded within my name?

I can barely remain the "self" that I am, so how do I expect others to be the same person the next time I see them? Does this mean that whenever I get together with one of my friends that I am, essentially, learning who they are all over again?
I feel like this could be a killer for romance because you will never actually know the person, but, then again, I think it could enforce love (no matter what relationship) even more.
If I think about my best relationship, which is from God, then maybe that will help me more with thinking about it.
Drawing a blank...
Is the answer definition? I don't think so...
Drawing a blank...
shalom...

Now Listening To:

After completing all my last-second papers and tests, after telling my friends goodbye, after an 8 and 1/2 hour drive in the trecherous snow, I am here. I am home.
This snow is everywhere and there is so much of it. Holy goodness.
I am graduated. I am no longer a college kid. I am a "grown up". Where do I go from here?
"I live on the road, a modern day hobo..."

Well, I didn't really have anything planned. If you know me, you know I'm pretty slow when it comes to those things. God can still work through my spontinaity. I just got offered a job in San Fransisco to work with Center for Student Missions. Booyah. Things just work out.
"With every summer, there's fall..."

I don't have any of the "things" I feel like I'm supposed to have together. I thought by this time in my life I was supposed to be resposible, wise, living, among other things. I feel at ease. Why is that? Why do people feel extremely relieved when they graduate? Is it because they accomplished something? Probably. For me, I just feel better because I think I'm doing what I was supposed to-- Not waste thousands of dollars and sit around on my butt. Will I really live that differently than before?
We'll find out.
"I gotta go now, gotta go now, gotta go..."
I don't know what else to say. "Deep mode" has died.
Shalom.

Vanilla Sky

I have thought about it and have decided that, for some odd reason, I want to live a dream life. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, but just live fairy tales and adventure, that could never happen in normal life, in my life. I would breathe under water one day. I would re-enter space with two other fellows, and no space ship, the next day. Life would be amazing.

"Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own... What is any life without the pursuit of a dream?"

There's a problem with this though.

Sure there is...

I am not living a real life. I am merely making a world that revolves around me. I am only an illusion and so is that world of dreams.
"My dreams are a cruel joke, they taunt me. Even in my dreams, I'm a idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep and I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream."

If I know it is fake, then why do I want it so bad? Why do I want to live a movie out in my life? Why do I want to most odd fairytales to happen? Why do I want to be faked out?
Why am I not satisfied with this life?

Have I only chosen a life that wasn't actually living? Have I chosen life? No. I have chosen the opposite. I have chosen a fake life, which is more like death... more like apathy. The opposite of life and love. What did I choose? A real life or a dead life that I wanted to be real?
"Somebody died. It was me."

Throughout life there are choices. Throughout ALL of life, there are choices to make. There are even choices to make the second before we die.
"With every passing minute, there is a chance to turn it all around."


"How do I wake up?"

"The decision is yours."

And in one last dream effort, I dream that I am falling towards the earth at alarming rates. I pierce the atmosphere and the wind rushes past my ears in a deafening way. I decide to hit water, because I will have a better chance of living. I fly by cities and lands that I have never been to before- Lands that are merely dreams to me now. As I accelerate past one last ridge, I see the body of water. Blink.
"Open your eyes."

The rushing sound of wind is gone and everything is black. I am back in my room.
Time to really live.
Shalom.

p.s. all quotes are from the movie, Vanilla Sky, which is one of my favorites.

Find me, find me, find me...

Now listening to: "Planes and Trains" by Mars Ill


I had a dream, or more like I wanted to have a dream, where I met me. I met me when I knew who I was or what I was doing. I met the me who was just a child, who did nothing but play, laugh, and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I was looking into a mirror, but I was also looking into a prayer. I asked me a lot of questions. These questions would have made it a lot easier, but of course he did not know the answers. Answers where not The Answer, he simply stated. He asked where I had been for so long. He asked I a lot more questions, and of course I did not have answers either. I told him my answers would make him wish he didn't have answers. The more I spent with this little, ignorant me, the more I understood of who I was supposed to be. "Faith like a child," runs between my legs, laughs, hits me, says, "You're it," and hides behind a faded couch. This time was not "productive", yet I got the most done this day more than any other. This time was not "purposeful", yet I found out my purpose. This time was not divine, yet totally woven by God. This time was ugly, yet was beautiful in the same blink that captured it.

I rollover and pull the blankets over my chest to hide from the bone breaking lack of heat throughout my room. No dream tonight. Get up and keep wandering aimlessly into this abyss of a thing people tell me is called, "life".
shalom.

life by the wind.

soo.... This is my last week of class as a college student. Frickin' weird.
I cannot believe it went so incredibly fast. I can tell I'm gettin' old because I always live in the past. Past experiences like breezes.
Coming to AU from 7 hrs. away and having no idea what to expect. Getting dropped off and finding how to do things on my own. Realizing I can never do this whole class thing because I'm a lazy bum. Getting sick. Understanding that the most I will ever change will be these 3 and 1/2 years. Making the best friends of my life. Having the hardest time of my life. Finding out there's a point of just knowing something, and a point of actually getting it. People helping me.

The wind blows and then it is all just parts of memories.
The wind blows again. Where to this time? I do not know, but I let it lead me there.
I don't know whether to be sad that all this is gone. I don't know whether to be excited about what is to come. I am here right now. What will I do with my life? It's definitely too early to decide that. I don't even know that much about life right now to figure out what I shall do with it. If I want to answer that question, I must live. Isn't that funny? We can't figure it out until we attempt to do it?

I really wish I had it all together sometimes, but, then again, I wish with my real self that I would just jump into the wind and let a true life lead me by the wings.

From this nest I jump and let the wind empower me to a true life- one of living. 1,2,3...
The sound of air wizzes past my ear lobes. "Where am I going?" I panic in thought. Then with out me even seeing it-- right before I smash into the earth like a speeding meteor-- the movement of air expands my wings. I get a glimpse. A glimpse of life. And I'm gone.
shalom.

Snow, hair, and all things between

Well, as of recent developments: I dreadlocked my hair. I decided I'm gonna name each one after everyone that helped... So I will name half of one Emily, a couple Audrey, the tip of one Heath, and the rest will be named Ryan. It took soooo long, partially, because I did 90% of it myself. It's okay though. I still love yall that didn't help.

I came home last night. Our tire went flat and I changed it on the side of the highway in the crazy cold, windy weather... Geeze Oh Pete! We drove on a spare to the local mechanic, met two girls (Stacy and Jackie) and a mumbling mechanic helped me put the new one on as he sprinted swear words at any and everything. I think he was not stable, but, nevertheless, amusing. An hour and a half later we got on the road. Towards the end of the trip we got whited out with snow! I wish I had pictures because it was reeeeeeeediculous.

I'm home now. I slept all day. The doldrums of home make me very sad. I know that I do not want to live here. It is slow. It is uneventful.
Who am I to say that those are reasons though? Life. My is so unappreciated right now. Everywhere I am, I was wishing I was somewhere else. "We are blessed with the feedom of apathy"-- Shannon Stull. It is too easy to do nothing. I think the devil loves this liberation of the motivation.
Recently I've discovered a lot of facts about the AIDS epedemic. It's huge. People are starving. Huge. People don't know if they live tomorrow. Huge. People are hurting everywhere. Huge.
What can I do? I can't let the word "Huge" enter my mind, however hard that is. I can't let any doubt enter my mind. I must just take action. No matter how small, how defeated, how limited. It's a lot easier to visualize the end of the race once you pass the starting line. I must let the word "people" enter my mind, so then my love for a God who loves his people will begin to sprout from the limited understanding of a word called compassion.
Comassion- Not being numb. Not being angry. Being with. What does that look like exactly? I do not know. What does the very feeble attempt of a beggining of that look like? I do know that. It looks like someone going on the internet and learning more about suffering where one cannot see it usually. It struggling to take these knowledges and let others know. It is suggesting more actions and less "oh that's sad" comments. It is being unafraid to do and doing what i know is right.
It is stepping over the start line.


Shalom.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

YOU ARE OFFICIALLY FREE FROM ALL YOUR BURDENS.

CHRIST SAID SO.

DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT AND FOLLOW HIM, NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT.

SHALOM.

Learning;

Hey Hey Hey.
So, things. Things have been. Things have been going. Good? I would think so. Bad? I wouldn't think so much. But what evidence do I have to say, "not bad"? None. Oh well. I am trying to figure out how to, "Live a life following Christ," as simple and not confusing (which it isn't) as I would like to put it. Do I fail? Yes. A lot.
I learned something interesting today in class ( I know, class? Who learns stuff in that evil place?). I learned two things: 1. I say that I already knew something when someone tells me something I didn't know. Why do I do that? Because I don't want to be hurt/offended by someone calling me out. If I didn't know before, it makes me vulnerable, which means that whoever told me is smarter and better than me, blah, blah, blah. That's stupid. Smack. 2. Learning is an experience, which means you cannot learn by getting the easy answer (a.k.a. praying for God's will or figuring out the absolute truth for conversation's sake).
Life is hard. Smack.
If it wasn't we wouldn't learn as much. If it wasn't we wouldn't be living enough. I forget who said it, but the opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy (not caring; not doing). Smack.


Ouch... that's a slap in the face. But it feels good:)
Shalom.

11 months 7 days 2 hours 59 minutes 37 seconds

Now listening to: MewithoutYou

Okay, sO things are gOOd. I apOlOlgize fOr nOt telling all Of yOu ealier-- I gOt busy. I'm sOrry again.
What is going on in my life? I don't know.
That's weird, right, that I don't know what's going on or how I'm doing? Things have just been... blah. I don't know if it's even tangible enough to call it blah, cuz I'm not really depressed that much. I feel like I'm happy most of the time. I don't know why I'm happy. I feel like I am fooling myself. But, I should be happy, shouldn't I? God is absolutely amazing. He is doing things in me that I cannot even comprehend. I feel a river with the power of a waterfall moving in me (and, no, I do have to pee right now, but that's not what I'm talking about).
Things are good, because I am not in a third world country and I have medical care for me to rely on and because no matter how much money I don't have, I am still rich compared to those who live on less than I. I'm sorry this is not a "happy blog", but I don't want to be happy when a world of injustice and materialism surrounds me. I need to give my things to those who need them. I need to. I'm not saying you need to, unless you feel that way. I need to. I know it is right. I know I can only rely on God more by doing this. I don't need a Christmas list. I just need Christ, the man that is the answers to all the questions I'm asking.
In my brokeness I have no idea to what I am doing, but in my brokeness I feel where those cracks are. I cannot see them, but I feel them.
He asks me, "Do you want to be whole?" and I say, "yes." This does not feel good. It feels as if I don't have anything left to rely on, anything to say in mine, anything that I remember.
A voice beside me says, "Look".
I respond, "I don't see anything."
"When you see me, you will be finished."
Not know what that means, I just let the tar beat out of me to a point where I am just living at the minimal level.
"I will end this unless you want it."
"No, keep going."
"Okay," he smiles and goes to work again. "Just lean on me... Just lean on me... Just lean on me.."
"Okay." Hours, maybe even days go by before I wake.
"Do you see the world I want? One day it will be like..." And I listen, or try to listen, while he goes on about a world in which he is King. And, as he talks to me, I know. I am a part.
Shalom.

Asking more consciously

Well, well, well...

It has been a while since I wrote. (My bad)
I wish things were going on. Actually, more things are probably going on (in my head) than I know. I hope you know what I mean or else I am slightly (yes, only slightly) crazy. School. The word used to make me shiver with disgust, but now it makes me reminisce and regret and realize that I am almost out of this place that is killing my pocket.
How is my life? So, good because God is good, but on the other hand... so sucky and I wish I knew why. I do not want to lie to anyone and pretend it is going good, becuase that is not the truth. "Death comes from the lack of truth." Whether that be death to the body or death to the faith or anything else-- it happens.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to be honest about this kind of thing.

I cringe whenI see someone (not all) I know because I know that the question, "How are you?" is very near. My mouth automatically says, "good... alright... fine," but it is not. It is not. Why don't I just tell them? Good question. Maybe it is that I feel some people don't actually want to know but are just trying to shoot the breeze. I despise that phrase-- "shoot the breeze". I want to shoot the breeze alright; shoot it right down, bang, so it screams and bleeds and realizes that it's purpose was never a purpose at all.
Time. We all are so busy. I understand that. If I don't have the time, don't ask them. Just say, "Hello," or, "I want to talk later about how's it going." This is a hard request, because I know I am one to ask such questions unconsciously and uncaringly.
But, I shouldn't put them in a predicament where they have to keep turning the daggers in their stomachs so that my guilt trip may be resolved.
Shalom.

Just read and let this system reboot itself

Here's the situation:
So, I sign up to go down to Louisana to help out with the Katrina relief, but I signed up to late, thus, putting me on a waiting list until someone drops out. That happened, but very late (I am not complaining, even though it sounds like it... a lot.) So, I had a couple of day to figure out how to get a hepititis shot by Thursday night, so that I could leave for the trip. Well, I went to get the shot, but realized I couldn't get it at that particular place because I wasn't going with AU... so, with only about a 1/2 hour left, I gave up (for a lack of better words). I gave up hope.
Did it help that when I called my parents to tell them, I got the reply, "you shouldn't go down there... you might get sick." What the heck?!? Come on! SHOULD I CARE THAT I'M GOING TO DIE?!?! especially, for the sake of helping/loving others??
Needless to say, when things didn't work out, I slept... for along time (14 hrs. to be precise)...
"Christianity is not easy," is what I told my friend as we were waiting for a shot I didn't even get. I said that, but then when we went the extra step to go to a different hospital, I told him not to worry about it and just take me home... I am a hypocrite. What happened?? What is going on?? System shut down....

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I have a blog. I don't know why I am going to this school. I don't know what I am doing after I get out of school. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do (or if want I should do is really what I should do). I don't know if I want to hang out with my friends. I don't know if I want to go home and cry by myself. I don't know why all of this crap is happening. I don't know why I can't just get it. I don't know why I say I believe things, yet don't because I do not live them. I don't know how I am going to pay off all of my loans. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what is going on. I don't know if you should know this, for I am sick witnessing actions based on stupid guilt trips. So, I just thought you should know, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me, feel like you have to do anything about it, or need to give me more attention.
I am only writing this to let you know, because I do not want to pretend I am someone I am not.
shalom.

For those of you who are crying behind your smiles... My prayers go to you...

from questions to convictions

Now listening to Franz Ferdinand
"Don't look at me that way. It was an honest mistake."


I wish I knew how corporate America worked, so I could make it a better America. That way I wouldn't have to add to the rediculous complexity of my brain confusion by stressing out about, "Will this hurt the economy? Will this help the economy? Will this help the poor? Am I just adding the pounds of collection of this thing I preach against?" My head. My heart. Which do I follow? Am I fit to follow either? How come it has to be a conscious following of one or the other? Why does it have to feel like I am just trapped inside of this body and am not connected whatsoever to these things? Why am I not more knowledgable of the world and what goes on? This picture above is from an article on msn.com about the punishment for those involved in the Rwada genocide and just sparks my interest, but my laziness out-weighs that interest, which is very depressing. The fact is now that I know I have this problem, I must repent (changing my mind and my lifestyle towards a greater good) and live from this point.
Repent. I know you may have either 1: cringed, 2: braced yourself for a religious guilt trip, or 3: just got coincidentally bored. BUT JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.

I think that we, especially Christians, cannot live without repentance. If we do not have it (no matter what faith or non-faith we are), then really what is this purpose to this life? If we are not aiming for something to become; for something to strive for? I'm not trying to beat you over the head with a Bible or anything (heaven forbid), but let's be honest with each other: We have these things burning in our heart that we know are wrong and that we know we have to change. So... why don't we? More importantly, I guess, why don't we let God?
Well, I got to go to chapel! Hats off, hands up. Prepare for designated worship time (if you know me, you know that I'm laying on some thick sarcasm... but we'll save that talk for later).
S h a l o m

The Orego Trail...

Well, I skipped my first class and chapel today to get some rest, and rode my bike to campus only to remember that my dang 2 o'clock class was canceled for today. (bad words inserted here).
I guess it's not that bad because I have some stuff to do... Like Blog! :)

Life seems to be standing still right now, unfortunately. And, as helpful as I thought it would, whining has not made it any better.

I met with some of the greatest guys in my life last night and I'm just so relieved to be with them again and to realize that I do not have it worse than everybody else. That may sound messed up, but what I'm saying is that, naturally, I think humans like to complain. I do it even when I verbally say, "I don't want to whine anymore." Why is it so easy to do? And, why do we do it? What does it solve?" Not to confuse complaining with pointing how things should not be, but if you point out something wrong and don't do anything about it, aren't you just complaining? I don't know the answer to this question, but it makes me think a lot because I'm always saying, "we should do [this]," yet I don't do extreme things that I "preach" of.
God, please break me of being a comlainer.

A.D.D. moment-- This girl next to me in the lab is playing "The Oregon Trail". That's funny, right?

My little sister is currently dating a boy. (sorry to expose you sis). We had a discussion about how I told her I didn't think it was the best choice to do it, and she said she thought I was probably right, but thought she just needed to learn on her own. Yeah she does, BUT it's just like, "I want you to learn from a different experience, not one that's gonna rip your heart out and make you hurt for so long." That might be the hardest part about giving someone advice: You know you're saying the right thing, but, ultimately, it's her decision to make.
My life is a decision to constantly make.
Please make the decision Ryan. Please make it Ryan...
shalom.

Dear Sleep,

Dear Sleep,
I haven't seen you in awhile. How have you been? How's the nightlife? Well, I was talking to the Grades the other day. We started talking about their "slump" and how things have been down lately. We agreed it was probably because you haven't been helping us out recently. That, or we haven't been coming to you for help. I'll be honest. I don't like you, but I respect you. I don't want you, but I need you. If I could go my whole life without you, believe me, I would. But, the fact still remains-- I have to have you in order not to go crazy and die. I have spent 1/3 of my life with you. Sometimes we get what we accomplish, sometimes we just chill. Sometimes I come to you, sometimes you overcome me. I do not always feel better when we meet, but it is always better when it occurs. So, with that said, what I guess I'm trying to say in a messed up way, is that I will hopefully be seeing more of you soon.
Love,
Ry

(if only this was my relationship with God being written)

Dear God,
May I need you more than sleep, food, water, or the air I breathe.
Amen.

Shalom.

Baahh... I love watching sheep...

Well, it is currently rush week. Call me cynical, but I really do think it's stupid. Not only that, but I think social clubs are stupid. Am I wrong for thinking that? well, no, because it's my opinion, but am I wrong for believing that as a fundamental truth?
I realize I do that with a lot of topics, moral issues, etc. I think that my opinion on the matter is right, no matter if I can iterate it or not. I "just know" I'm right. Why is that?
Don't get me wrong, I will hear people out and even agree with them, but when that happens, I think to myself, "Self," cuz that's what you call yourself when your talking yourself, "I was already thinking that deep down," or, "How could I know? I wasn't ever educated in that area."
Why does is feel so vulnerable to be wrong? And, if we know why it feels so vulnerable, then, why do we think someone is instantly stupid,ignorant, or idiotic for being wrong?
How am I so conceded when it comes to my emotions, but so cut-throat when it comes to others'?

These thoughts have kind of been adding to the thoughts of, "am I too cynical/critical about things?... Do I have the right to call out people?"
It especially rang true in my "person finance" class. My professor, who will remain nameless, manipulates scripture to say that Christ died so that we may be rich.
What did Jesus do? What does Jesus do? He looks for what is wrong and does something about it, right?
shalom.

Contributing to the Greatest Thing in the World.

well, things are definitely falling in that cycle again.
I hate when this happens. I think about way too much stuff and it gets to me, then I overload, my brain sizzles like a toaster, and then nothing. "What is wrong with me?" is the first question in my mind, but then I realize, everybody probably goes through the same petty problems, so nothing is really wrong with me in that sense. The next question that shoves its way through my brain is, "How are you going to be a leader in the body of Christ?" Which makes me think and fear a lot. I look to my left and to my right as I sit in my ministry classes and can audibly tell that I am way inadequate in my basic relationship with God. I feel so distant, but I know that God has better plans, but I just want to feel normal, ya know? It's nothing that I really think I need advice on, but it is a problem that I don't like. BLAH.

I would like to say that there are much more important things going on in my life, but, sadly, I feel like I waste so much time doing nothing important. Lazyiness. I hate the word. I hate it so much because it describes myself and I don't want it to.
I hear people say, "I wish God would just tell me exactlly what to do," or, "I wish I didn't have a choice... that I would just do what was right."
I dislike those sayings so much (even though I think them many times) because the greatest thing in the world isn't easy. And, for me, I am a constant reminder of that, because when it is easy, that means I'm being lazy, which means that I'm not caring enought, which means that I'm not taking advantage of the greatest thing I could ever know.
When I accepted Christ into my life, my heart, etc. it may have been free in a sense, but it is not free when I realize the responsibility I have as a true believer in Him.
"Do something.
Do something.
DO SOMETHING!"
is something I have to keep repeating to myself. My immediate response is to think, "well, what do I do?" NO. Don't think. Just do something. You know in your heart what is wrong and right- what is God-glorifying and what is not. Now, I understand that this may not work for everyone, but, for me, this is what I have to do, and I know that I'm not feeling a reason to type this just because I need to vent, but that I deeply feel that some of you go through the same thing.
Community.
A word that I feel is being misused (not in a definition sense, but in a life-application sense). I'm going to class with all these people that are studying the same things as me and have so many different gifts and talents, yet everyone seems to have the, " F you, I'm out" attitude. Shouldn't we use each other as resources? Shouldn't we put effort in to the places we are now and with the people we are with now? I don't know, but it just seems to me like we are shooting away all these premier chances to change the world for the glory of our awesome God.
Phew. I'm gonna go ride my bike home (which is becoming a huge pain in the butt, but, hey, the right thing is not the easy thing, right?).
Shalom.

"feel bad for Ryan" blog

Now Listening to: The buzzing drone of the air condtioner

Wow. It has been awhile, yet I have only been back at school for a week. "Re-entry" is a word that would probably best describe all the stuff that is going on in my life at this point, even though it is a word that I despise and loath. The reason I hate the word is that it has this movement that is assosiated with it. The movement is one of numbness, of just suppressing these passionate feelings of what justice is supposed to look like. But, nevertheless, I am going through "re-entry" emotions and whatnot. It's like I'm just numb and alone, you know? I hear Christians use the word "phase", and that would definitely fit if it hadn't be a feeling going on for so long...
H
E
L
P
It's something that I don't ever want and I don't really ever understand why, but every time I have the chance to use it, I kiss my oppurtunity bye-bye. I say "I'm not prideful. I'm pretty humble." The fact that I don't ever accept help with things or open up my real heart, is the opposite evidence of that.

Living in the Mecry House building (it's a church building about a mile and a half away from campus) is quite an experience. I won't lie (as my friend Ashley would say) it gets really lonely in there. I'm by myself all the time and I don't have a cell phone, car, I-pod, cable television, so I have a lot of free time. I feel bad for the other 8 guys living there with me, because I'm in this weird mood and it's really hard to connect with them, but I am the "new guy", so I guess it will improve over time.
I was sitting on the jungle gym last night, just kind of being depressed and lonely, and a random, older, black man approached me and asked for a couple bucks for gas and said, "Whadya up to?... Look like like ya sittin' all by yahself like you got no friends or something." Well, he didn't help.
I don't know where I'm going with this blog, so I'll deem it as the "feel bad for Ryan" blog and stop writing.
Shalom.

For those few seconds I was flying.

Well, college has started once again and, boy, do I feel like I have wasted a lot of time. I guess "wasted" isn't the best word. More like "used unwisely". I don't want to grow up, but it had to happen sometime. I would always hear my elders saying, "I wish had done this... I wish I had done that," but I never really understood the importance of what they were trying to teach me until now-- until it was just about too late.
I don't want to grow up.

I am now living about a twenty minute bike ride away from campus, which isn't so fun to take when it is pouring outside (I learned the hard way yesterday). The militia of freshmen swarms the campus and I feel like a dot on a white piece of paper.
I don't want to grow up.

It's hard because life is evidently a choice that I make. Every second of it is up to me whether to do something exciting, to hang out, to play guitar, to read, to draw, to be bored, etc.
I've always been used to it being done for me.
I don't want to grow up.

When I was in kindergarten, it was so much joy and so much easier. I would make a piece of junk out of clay and finger paint, which was then a beautiful masterpiece that even DaVinci could keep up with, and my mom would keep it forever. I would go to lunch, drink my semi-warm milk, jump off as much crap as possible, because for those few seconds I was flying, and go to bed early without anybody making fun of me. Never realizing where I would go, how would get there, or how mentally unstable I would be when I got there. I would ride my bike until I couldn't breathe, build a tree house, save the world, and defeat evil all in one day.
I don't want to grow up.
Shalom.

Cuando este hombre sale...

I hope.

I dream.

I pray.

I think.

I write.

I wonder.

I complain.

I point fingers.

I flip out.

I ramble.

I lose conclusions.

I be me.

and you listen.

Thank you.

s

h

a

l

o

m.

I saw this picture when I got on the computer today.
It's so sad...
His heart sees her and screams and weeps.
His mind sees this, remembers his orders, and looks away.
I wish I could say I was better than this man.
I do nothing. I have always done nothing, so why should I feel bad now? I cannot fix the world, so why make an impossible attempt to achieve something great for the world?
I find myself stuck in an agrigate attitude. To get my house, my car, my job, my "life... but I do not want that, I do not want that. I want something for them for those who are essentially supposed to be one in the same body with me, but that is not what most want, that is not what most want. Am I to judge what I know what other people want?? No. But if it looks like, smells like, tastes like, acts like, and is like what it appears to be, more than likely it is...
Deep down people want more. Somebody used to tell me, "want in one and crap in the other. see which one is full first."
I pray that my wants and beliefs would match up with my life and actions, or esle am I really believing? I pray that I'll have the faith in a God who intricately made me in love and can do limitless things. I pray that.
shalom.

Bored Blog

Now listening to: Fly Away by Paul Wright

Whoooo!! Bored! Man, I'll tell you I need to just go off on this blog like nobody's business because I feel lately that purpose is such a dilemma and I've been put in a environment where I think the purpose I need to achieve, that I feel so worthless. Then that leads to loneliness... which leads to me thinking about why I think I'm lonely, only amplifying these bottles of emotions.

The world is watching us from a distance,
wanting more for their own existence...
Tell me,
How will we make a difference,
for eternity?
Does anybody want to know why...
we're alive?
What's teh purpose of this life?
Before I die and I leave the world behind...
I want to know why I'm alive.
God created for the Creator,
to live inside
there's a hole in your soul and i know,
that you try
to fill it
with everylittle thing but the very one who can,
heal it
and bring hope to a world that wants to know why..... .they're alive.

spirit cry for this generation
we're chasing the wind trying to embrace it
open our eyes
to all the lies that we try to justify
when deep down inside all we want to find
is someon that loves us all of the time
and it's you
-you're beautiful

Man, I feel like the more people I meet, the more I ruin the chance of compacting all the love I have in the people I know already, but I feel like if I don't go out there and just go crazy with meeting all these billions of people, I will miss out. I think I've been so worried about missing out on any and every little thing possible, that I just paralyzed myself ice cold.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, and so the feeling of "ahh shoot... I've blown all my chances," and that applies to the girl issue a lot. I think I have no stinkin' idea what I want.

All i know is that for some odd reason with all this stuff there's this feeling of regret... A feeling of why couldn't it just be like it used to?-- always living in the past...
Why is it that people like to tell stories of the past so much?

Why cannot I just get that one thing that I need to get??? I just want to scream and break stuff! I feel so ignorant, yet I feel all of the others that aren't bothered by this "petty" stuff are even more ignorant, but I am not one to judge.
This just brings thousands of questions about my existence as a man, christian, and human being...
So frustrated that I want it all to end, but so regretful I don't want it to ever end......
Shalom.

Spontaneous Blog

now listening to: stephen covell

I haven't written for a while. That tends to happen when my brain gets all like "what the heck is going on?!?!?"... so yeah... i apologize

The summer of Chicago has ended... so sad. I met some of the greatest people I think I will ever meet in my life... and they are off to their places... geeze luise

Well, i'm back home and sooo bored. I feel so worthless here. I don't know what to do, so I just read and write and play and swim and sleep... Not too bad... but, the world is still out there just waiting for some of its enormous problems to be fixed, healed, etc.

I know a couple blogs I wrote, "just do something," and I'm starting to realize that it's harder than it seems. Does that mean I have the right to give up?? NEVER. If I'm to follow Christ, I need to pick up my cross (and not a little wussy one tied around my neck, but a huge, sucky, heavy, cutting cross) and carry it. God will supply all that I need as long as I believe (which is obeying) in him.

My brother is going to college and is going through a lot of drama. the poor kid. I just hope he's actually asking God's will for his life and not God's will for his relationship with his girlfriend and thinking that that's the same thing. No matter what, he's still a pretty awesome man of God.

School is going to start soon. Oh no. I graduate in December!! and have no stinkin' clue what i'm going to do!! suck. ehh... it's not like i had any clue in any advanced time before this time in my life anyways, and it's been good (great) so far, so whatever happens, happens.

I'm reading this book called, Black Like Me, and it rocks my face off! It's about this guy in the 50's and he takes this medication to make himself look like an African-american and moves to the south. True story! Isn't that sweet?!? I hope that I have the gahones to do something like that.

I was talking to my amiga ashley last night about a lot of stuff and i've come to some conclusions: 1. "The 5 love languages" is a dumb book. 2. I'm way too funny and pretend like I'm all good, when my head has a whole nother world going on, which people may actually like to hear about. 3. I've never had a real best friend- sad. 4. I don't really care that i've never really had a best friend- sad also. 5. God will supply ALL things-- happy:)

well, i don't want to ramble anymore.
shalom.

Sirens sound so distant when they're not coming for you...

So, I may have flipped out, but it's like if you don't, then it dies... it dies inside of you...
It's just this whole "what is believeing?" subject and what makes Christians any different from others and why is it percieved as boring to be a Christian.

Last night our staff talked about re-entry, which is a term used to describe the crazy feelings you go through when you go on some type of missions work and return home....
It's funny (well, not funny, but interesting) that I've never really have went through "re-entry", but I've had these feelings that people talk about. And it's like, "I don't want to get rid of these feelings, "cope" with them, or whatever it's called". And I realized that that's not what they were fully trying to do to me, but I feel like that this kind of approach (the approach of numbing) is a regular one to Christians.

And I kept on thinking....
on the prayer tour of Chicago I tell my groups, "With the immense size of Chicago comes immense problems, and there are no simple solutions." I was thinking about this line and about what do I do with this.

I must do something.

But, me doing something will not fix anything. Only God can fix things if He desires. But, that is not a call to just "let God do it," because to "let God do it", we have to involve our lives into his desire. In this Bonhoeffer book, he says that "only those who obey believe.'' I'm not sure how much I agree with this, because of the biblical quote "those who confess with their mouths...", but back then confessing with your mouth took action afterwards. And I'm not sure also because I AM SCARED, I am scared of what that means. Does that mean when I do not obey what I know is true, that I am not believing? Does this mean that the most basic part of Christianity, mostly all of us are missing? Oh geeze...
shalom.

Que hora es????

Now Listening to: Mars Volta

man, things in my head are swirling, but it's so terrible because things are not yet swirling like I wish they would. Ya know?

I've been thinking over and over again how if you see something is wrong, then do something about it. The Complacent Christian needs to be destroyed. Whether I want to or not, the time is now for a revolution to start. To start. Who is going to start it? "Here am I, send me." All my life I have seemed to fit this role that I am the guy sent to do something that nobody else wants to do, and in that I find the beauty and hope I will in this case.
But... through this I realized a revolution will not be started by me. A revolution will be started by God and people who are humbled enough to only let God shine through. I do not believe we will achieve this by becoming famous people who go down in history, for we will be remembered. I believe we need people who do not want the credit.
I am not saying do not write songs or books or whatever, but isn't there a way where we can make this great things that we are passionate about without saying that we did it-- like some kind of anonymous way...
Maybe I am idealistic, but God is soooo powerful, right?
Don't you agree?
Don't you feel like you purpose is fulfilled yet?
Don't you?
Don't you feel like there's still something more you can do to bless God and the world?
Don't you?

"of course he would like to go and do something extraordinary, and it does demand a good deal of self-restraint to refrain from the attempt and content himself with living as the world lives. Yet it is imperative for the Christian to achieve renunciation, to practise self-effacement, to distinguish his life from the life of the world. He must let grace be grace indeed, otherwise he will destroy the world's faith in the free gift of grace."

So... I quoted Bonhoeffer from his book, which I just talked about how I didn't know how I felt about reading other books... but, I did it to see how it felt... and I don't think I revolutionized my mind with it. But I thought this helped enforce a little of what I feel like we Christians are doing. You can't tell me you are reading this and think there's not something more in your life missing... YOU CAN'T! Be honest with yourself... If you don't feel that way, I feel so sorry for you, for you are blind.
I am not judging you, but I am saying THIS IS THE TIME TO REACT TO WHAT WE FIND WRONG. What is silently screaming in your heart?? Tell yourself. I want nothing from you out of this. I want what God wants-- for you to get it. For you to get smacked in the face by injustice and falseness, so that you may start swinging back with the love of God.

shalom...

Originality Sparks

So, you ever feel like you're in this place that no one else is in??
Well, that's how I feel now... Let me explain.
I was talking to a co-worker about reading new books and how I have a gift certificate for Borders and how I have no idea what to get. This is why:

We are a dilluted version of what it means to follow Christ (the church as a whole is I believe).
We are a society doomed on effieciency. (so as to make things easier- such as knowledge of something).
We are reading so many more things, memorizing so many movies and such, but the Bible is left to it's lonesome.

I understand everyone is trying to help the situation by explaining their own version of what the Bible says and how important that that certain explanation is to know when living a life following Christ, but aren't there too many voices out there? I feel like the more we explain things we limit what is trying to be said. Here's a bad analogy to explain it better:
You have a glass of water. The water is the unclear explanation of the Bible.
Someone tries to explain it and show some of the truth in a tangible way, so he defines the water more by adding, let's say, a drop of cola.
That's fine, but when every one starts adding to the glass, it's going to become a dilluted, explainable, dirty, not valuable thing.

I don't know why I am getting fired up about this, but I feel like GOD WANTS A NEW, INNOVATIVE REVOLUTION OF CHRISTIANITY TO START, and that's gonna happen if we get what we are supposed to get from the Word, as directly as possible, instead of just intensifying all these reused emotions and values and beliefs that have already been established by someone eslse, some one trendy....
well, i got to go now, i want to talk more about this... i'm not sure what i think, honestly, fully about this subject... comment freely- it would be very helpful to me
shalom.

Estoy Llorando

So... I just watched a movie last night called "Invisible Children" ( www.invisiblechildren.com )... It's a documentary done by these three guys who go to Sudan to find more about the war going on over there, but find a much more interesting and sad story about these thousands of children who run for their lives every night so that the rebel armies will not abduct them, beat them, and brainwash them into killing others.
After I finished this movie I am so angry at myself and at other people who just waste money left and right to go to the movies, buy new clothes... trying to be more "comfortable"... then I feel dirty, I was almost about to throw up because I felt like I needed to wash myself from all the wrongdoings, ignorance, and arrogance within my life. Then I kept thinking about what I heard someone say a couple weeks earlier....

"The way to do what Jesus would do, is to look for things the way they shouldn't be and try to solve them"

And, sure enough, I found something that is the way it shouldn't be.
So, what can I do???
Of course I let all the size overflow my brain and fall into Satan's lies that "I can't do anything. It's too big of a problem." But, I forced myself past that. Then I came up with a list. A list to pray, to tell others of this problem, to talked to my school about the issue, to make art pieces, to raise money, to build this ideal, utopian kind of shelter, etc.
The fact is I just have to do something. And this is something for now. Is this all I will do? No. It can't be, because that won't solve what shouldn't be. If you read this, please go to the website. Please .tell somebody. Please give a crap enough to do something. I don't want to just sit on my fat butt and/or go out to the movie theater, out to eat, or buy a new whatever.

it's so sad the things we will do just to avoid guilt. It sickens me.

I pray that you don't do the same after reading this. I'm sick of our eyes and ears turning away to all this frickin' bullcrap that is going on! Pray that I Do Something Please! That I Buy less. Eat less. Give more.... more time... more money... more help... more awareness...

I probably have wasted my time writing this blog for the past 15 minutes, but I will hope that God will speak to you in some way and that you will start to break this disgusting, apathetic mold of what Christianity has become.

We do not need to be comfortable.
We do not need to be full.
We do not need to be clothed 50 times over.
We do not need to be entertained.
We do not need to "take a break".
We do not need to assume that someone else will do something about it.
We do not need to have extra anything.
We need to help and love others that have never seen help or love.

Shalom (which should not come to us until we follow the heart of God).

Estoy Comiendo en la Cafe de Victoria

My friend assures me it’s all or nothingI am not worried- I am not overly concernedMy friend implores me for one time only,Make an exception. I am not not worried.

So... I broke up with Audrey. Wow. You may say (and I may even say sometimes) that I am an idiot. But, hear me out. We were talking about it and she asked me, "how did you first come to this?" I and I proceeded to explain that one of the people that I work with here in Chicago was asking me why I was I with Audrey. The only reason I could really come up with is that she was too awesome of a Christian for me to leave her. My friend asked me if not having a reason to break up with her was reason enough to stay with her.

Wrap her up in a package of lies. Send her off to a coconut islandI am not worried - I am not overly concerned.With the status of my emotions.Oh, she says, were changing. But were always changingIt does not bother me to say this isn’t love.

My head started swirling after that. It was so hard, becausemy heart was not feeling calm with my choice of staying together, but I was so scared (which I didn't know that I was at first) because I was afraid of being alone. I was holding on to this awesome girl, who couldv'e met someone better than me, just for my own fears.

You try to tell your self the things you try tell your self to make yourself forget to make your self forget. I am not worried.

I suck.

Shalom.

"Good morning son... I am a bird..."

Life is rough. Right? But, if you ever think about it, someone else has it worse off then you. But, you've still got crap distracting you and taking up most of your thoughts, so what do you do? It sucks because I don't want it to bother me, because I want to focus on God more.
This summer internship has been crazy busy, I feel like whatever free time I get, I just use to sleep or just stress about these things in my life. Why am I so self-focused on my problems?
Not to mention the groups... Oh geeze, the groups...
They come in with their own agendas, not trying to being open to learning, being racist with their stereotypical remarks, and their rediculously ignorant leaders... Is it coincidence that I've had only two groups that I thought were good or am I bad at this job? It can't be all my fault- I've tried to open their eyes as much as I could... but, I guess only God can really do that.

I prayed this morning... Ya know-- "quiet time"... You know what I noticed? I was in the stinkin' woods and couldn't even get to somewhere where it was quiet! It was so rediculous. I ended up getting worse off than I was before... Then I thought about "alone time" with God and how I seem to suck at it. all I really seem to do is just talk to make myself feel better. Maybe that explains a lot of why I feel incomplete after those times.

The other hosts here are great to talk to (whether it be about funny or serious stuff). I love Chicago. the city is great, the people are great, etc.

well, I gots to get back to work... Shalom.

My 21 year old blabbles.

It has been sooo long since my last blog and I apologize for that. Things have been BUSY. Working with CSM (center for student missions) is awesome, but it's like I have no free time at all. BUT.. I love loving kids and loving God and showing kids how to love God more, so I can't complain.

How's my life been? ehhh...

Ya know?

I am so fickle about so many things, especially with my girlfriend. Poor thing. Audrey has to put up with so much of my craziness and stupidity. Then things are going away from here. My friend's bro took his life, my brother is getting kicked out of the house by my dad, one of my co-workers (who was very awesome) got fired (i'll miss ya dreadlocked head Jeremiah), and I'm super busy and can't go anywhere to see my friends and family. SO, COME VISIT ME ON A WEEKEND OR SOMETHING!

It's so hard to work with some of these groups. They have all these stereotypes and stupid comments. But the kids aren't so bad-- it's the leaders! They are so frustrating with their laziness and misleading comments.... Just have to hope and pray God will influence the kids more than the leaders.

The ministry sites we go to are awesome and it's great getting to know new people, work at soup kitchens, play with kids (none of them being white), and just love.

I miss all of you and pray that you are striving for that passionate relationship and lifestyle with God. It's so hard to do, but that's the beauty of doing the right thing-- It's not easy.

Love yall, it probably will be a while before I write again.

Shalom.

p.s. I have so much more to say.

Let's slap each other.

Ya know what's been hitting me lately?

How dumb
and wrong
and immoral
and unfaithful it is

to know what the right thing to do is,

yet still do

what we know we're not supposed to do.

Why do I get it yet still don't get it? What fear/ possessions/ anger/ hate/ comfort/ ignorance/ numbness/etc do I need to give to God so that I may be obediently loving Him?

Shalom.

Get your blog on!

Now Listening to: nuhphin'

Well, I'm in the North Side of Chicago right now and have been doing such for about two weeks now... man, it's crazy... I don't really know how to explain it, but I know the feeling I associate with it, so if you ever get a machine that transfers feelings, let me know, cuz I'll share 'em... last night and today I hosted (showed around and helped do different ministries) my first group. It was quite an experience getting to see how the kids absorbed in the stuff that I was telling them. I never felt so much power over another person before... Maybe that is the feeling that I would like to share. Yes. That is the one, I think.

Devotion. I'm learning that that word can be translated very differently. I always thought that "doing devotions" was just praying and reading your Bible, but now I think devotion is being obedient to God and being receptive of God and attempting to be with God.... but, hey, what do I know?

Sorry I haven't written lately... I've been super busy and don't have much access to the computadora (that's Spanish for computer for all of you who don' t habla the espanol)

shalom.

A Sunburn Under the Dandelion-filled Sky

Now listening to: Celebrate Mistakes by Number One Gun

and i'm sorry for all those things in me
and when i don't care i know you're
always there i just wanted to get this
started

I am useless. It is truly so sad. hahaha... I made my day productive, but still ended up being a lazy bum and just ended getting a really bad sunburn on my stomach.
I did some thinking though... How productive was that? Not very. It's all semantics and circles.
I thought about love and servanthood. How much do I love? How much of a servant am I?
I am a mooch. I have gotten by by everyone else. I know it's lazy, but a part of me says I'm being smart. Now, though, I think that I'm just ignorant to how lazy I am. I don't know. "It is hader for a rich man to enter the kingdom, than a camel to pass through the eye of a needle". I know that poverty of material things and money is going to be a part of my life. BUT, this world surrounding my every move and saturating my every thought tells me to earn a lot, get my "stuff", and "live it up". What the heck?? I swear I'm right... Jesus said if we want to be perfect, to give up everything and follow Him.
So, if I do that, then how do I live? eat? etc? By the GRACE OF GOD. What does that involve? Miraculous manna falling from the sky? Possibly, but I doubt it when God can just use the people around you and make you turn humble by asking others for food, a place to sleep, a t-shirt, or whatever.
Ya know what I think it is? I think poverty is so looked down upon and disgusting to America.
Ya know what else? I don't care what America thinks. God bless my "luck" to live in this nation and thank God for our freedom, but, honestly, America is screwed up and so prideful that she can't see the plank in her eye.

was it attraction or just a fraction of
your time was it a moment just to
show that you're alive

Man, I had a really good conversation on the phone last night and I realized something. Something about fear. Something about what it's all about. Something about friendship. Something about choices. Something about consequences. Something about inevitability. Something about sucking it up and realizing what life involves. Something about being a man.
A lot of somethings, a lot of everythings.

Do you get it?

What is there to get you say?

hehe... if you can't answer that,
you can't be perfect, whole, and complete.
Shalom.

tear drops on the dusted earth

Now listening to: Where you want to be by Taking Back Sunday

Man, So I think I've discovered that my group of old school friends from back home has sort of seperated. Some are in different countries, some getting married, some living somewhere esle, some I don't know... It's just like a brick wall of reality falling upon me. I always remembered people saying you'd grow apart from your highschool friends, but I always thought, "not my friends. I won't let it happen." Guess what. I must not have extended my effort enough.

I got a bad feeling about this. I got a bad feeling about this.

I told some people this, but it's like I have these parts to me that are fading away. Like my childhood, my highschool years, etc... I was warned about this... gosh... why didn't i listen. why didn't i live. There is so much that i want to hold on to, but i guess that is life. Life is hard. Life is sacrifice. Life is swallowing the lumps. Life is a journey.
As I sit around and fiddle with the duldrums of my living quarters, I feel like life is not a journey. I feel life is just a waste of time. I want to do something!! How do you make life not boring? Ya do something Ryan. Of course. But, it's like I've been raised in this middle-upper-class American boring neighborhood where everyone stays individual, and just zones out on the television. And, I don't know how to get out of it... I don't want to be sucked in. Oh, I so don't. Now I start to realize why all my old friends are leaving this place. They don't want to be sucked in. Had I better get out too?
Shalom.

Ouch.

So, it's a friday night and I'm all by my lonesome... I can't get a hold of any of my friends from highschool, because I'm not in the cell phone loop. Thought I would hang out with my bro... but:
As I proceed to ask my brother if he wants to do something tonight, he's like, "uhhhh... I don't feel good," and goes and lays on his bed... No more than 5 minutes later, his girlfriend calls, and what do ya know! He's suddenly all better and ready to go! Hmm... I believe the term is "cold", but if you find a better one, let me know please.

I am so bored. I thought I missed home, but, the fact is, I don't get home sick. I miss not being home. I miss AU. I'm really starting to regret not spending the week at Audge's house... I feel like nothing is getting done when I'm at home. I have way too much free time. All there is to do, it seems like, is watch TV and sleep, but I am sick of that already. I got my hopes way up and shot way down... I was expecting everyone to be like, "Oh, Ryan's home! Let's do something fun, let's enjoy the summer weather, let's do SOMETHING, anything, Ryan will make it fun." That's not the way it is though, and it's probably my fault for the most part...
no words of wisdom tonight. sorry.
shalom.

Take 1, Take 2, Take Action.

Now listening to: Fly Away by Paul Wright

Man, I'm so contradictory to what I believe in. Why is that?!!?! What is my deal? Why why why? Okay, here's the deal. I packed for the summer as I was leaving Anderson University, and I did not have much room to pack a lot of clothes. So, I packed the bear essentials. Many a time, I had to ask myself, "Do I really need this? or do I just want to have it to comfort me?" It's rediculous how hard this was, but what should I learn from this? Well, I packed this stuff, which doesn't seem like a lot (but is) and I don't really need any more than that... So....
Why in the world do I have the rest of my junk?!?!?! The answer-- COMFORT. It is, I believe, Satan's greatest weapon against the world. Instead of persecution, he has just given us everything we need, so we forget about God. But at least we feel good.
This recalls all of the conversations I've had with my christian friends-- about how we need to be this community that puts in everything, lives on only what it needs, and gives to those who need. It seems like there is a conclusion to take this action everytime a conversation like this happens, but then what happens?? NOTHING. That's so diculous that it's rediculous.
We always give up because we think that this perfect idea is impossible to achieve. It is, but it isn't. It has to start somewhere, ya know? It's possible if you take action to what you have felt God calling you to do, but it's impossible if you don't because you can't put your hope in other people in taking action.
Shalom.

Demasiado Tarde

Now listening to: The Unusual Mix Ep, A Rush of Blood to the Head, and Parachutes
This year has ending, my friends are gone, I am now grateful, why couldn't I have been grateful earlier? Each day I fretted about what the best way to spend time with them would look like, instead of just spending time and making it the best... All those smiles, all those laughs, and a little too late, did I realize they wouldn't always last. It makes my heart empty as this building that I remain in is, it makes my heart empty to see I have ended a reign of life, it makes my heart empty to think that I probably didn't attempt to give to them as much as they gave to me... I miss you so much am I'm sorry I didn't express that more before you left.

Time is so important, but so misinterpreted.Clocks are ticking everywhere and everybody constantly checks on them, but for one time I come to the consequencial conclusion that I shouldn't have been watching the clock to see if I was using my time wisely, because I figured out the clock, the clcok was using me.
Worry. Clocks bring worry. Why do we check them? So, we can't anticipate the future, so we can calculate how much we have to hurry, how much we have to stress. Did you think? Did you really think? That checking on that clock would make you worry any less? Accomplish any more?
I waste away today, this I know. But, why am I not totally made nauseous by that thought?America. We have been brain washed. It is true, and hardly anyone takes notice to the fact. The ones doing the brain washing, don't even realize it... sad... "Culture" "relevance" "that's just the way it is"-- things we use as excuses to comfort our incompleteness and weakness of not doing our best.
These thoughts swim through my head and may not makes sense, but that's the way my head works- it doesn't even makes sense to me sometimes. I don't even know what to do with what I just said... I'm a dork, but there's two kinds of people: People who know they're dorks and people who don't.
Shalom.

Here's to Tonight

Now listening to: nothing

Well, it is the end of the year... man, it doesn't even feel like it... All the guys in the hall are almost gone, a few carrying their boxes of junk and scooting their couches down the hallways...

I think I'm sort of numb to the whole missing everybody because I'm not going to see them this summer. Maybe it's because I've moved so much all my life and I've just gotten used to it... Well, that's what I think the case is, or would like to think because I'd just be a cold, heartless jerk any other way.

I am excited. About this summer. I've got a bit of responsibility-- I will be hosting groups to do missions work in inner city Chicago. I'm gonna be on my own for the most part, which is crazy to think about. Chicago has tons of stuff to do (that's if I have enough free time). It's going to stink though, not being able to see my girlfriend... I feel bad for her sometimes that she puts up with my awkward, nonsense bolagna that I give to her whenever I'm in her presence.

I am so messed up right now, with Audrey that is... I don't know if she reads these, but if she does, then I'm crazy for doing this, but, hey, I figured she's liked me even after a lot of stuff she's found out, so I might as well throw it out there... I just feel "blah", ya know? I feel like there's never gonna be a point in my life where I'm going to need somebody other than Jesus Christ. I'm honestly not trying to look superior to dating or anything, but, the fact is, I don't need a girlfriend. Audrey is sooo good to me, and she is so perfect, but all these questions are sprinting through my brain: am I glorifying God more because of her in my life? is she glorifying God more because of me in her life? what if she's the one? do I pursue things further? how do I "pursue things further"? what if she's not the one? do i end it? is Audrey a really good friend or a soulmate? how do I know? do I kiss her? is our relationship too physical? too exclusive? am I being real with her? is she being real with me? am i wasting her time? is she wasting my time? why can't I be normal?

All questions. No answers. My life. Shalom.

Newsflash:
My Future is non-existent.
I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate.
I have don't know how I'm going to get a job.
I don't have any qualifications to get a "real" job.


And...

I don't really care.

Not-so-new-newsflash:

God's got it all in control.

Shalom.

Ummm... Ummm... Ummm... Ummm...

Now listening to: The Drone of an Oscilating Fan by LASKO

Well, well, well, it's me again. No surprise to you, of course...
So I definitely had to give a presentation today about pastoral care and anger management. I had spent basically most of last night preparing stuff to talk about and to show to the class, but never really rehearsed it... which screwed me over. I got up there and started talking, glanced at the clock 5 minutes later and thought, "I have way too much stuff here to talk about." Immediately the little worker in my brain panicked-- running through the information stored in my head for this situation, sorting through what was most important and what needed to be unmentioned, and using the word, "Ummm," excesively. So excessively that one student counted over 16o times I said "Ummm".
Wow. It's surprising that I haven't noticed this any sooner. I had another instance where a friend told me in a jerkish way that I said "like" too many times. I don't know what my deal is. This makes me think of when I criticize other people's sins/mistakes. I can obviously see that they're doing something wrong and what they need to do to fix it, but for them it is different. Just like with my like/ummm fixation. I didn't even know I was doing it at first, AND even when I found out, I still can't totally fix the probably instantly.
And, I can apply that to the endless list of other faults I have. For example, I am a jerk. I am unsympathetic, blunt, rude, mean, etc. Is it because I don't like people? No. I love people so much, it's just that I suck at looking and sounding like someone who cares- especially when someone judges me by first impression.
Now, I know I have this fault, but fixing it instantly is quite hard you see... And what makes it harder is tha even if I do fix it, it takes a long time for people to notice since they've grown accustom to the jerkish me. Just because I change my ways in one day, doesn't mean I am a new person to everyone else that day. I have to live out my new life and saturate the new me into others' memories and lives.

Every moment I need to realize that when a struggle is brought into my life, I have to choose. Whether I'm going to move towards or away from God. Now, that is harsh, but I think in making it that harsh, it helps us realize the weight of our decisions and the sacrafice for following Christ and pursuing God.
Well, I had written a lot more, but the computer keeps stinking messing up- so I guess God doesn't want me to say it.
shalom.

Blasted Broken Computer!!!

Now listening to: Sea Change by Beck

Okay, so it's been a month almost since i have written in this thing. i'm sorry to those of you that enjoy this (which is probably just me). i'm writing this blog in the library computer lab, because my computer will not turn on! What the heck!?! This just adds to the list of financial crap that i have to (and can't) pay for. i owed 400 bucks for taxes-- What in the world!
i would like to say i don't deserve this, but i do. Not being smart, i went to France for Spring Break because i thought i had saved up 400 extra dollars some how-- i am an idiot.
Anyways, i had some sweet things to write about this month, but like everything else that's important, i forgot what i was thinking about.
Had focus group Thursday night... Got to verbalize my stuff... And i realized that i'm in one of these moods where i don't know if i can think and can't think even more if i try to think... that's depressing. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?

Complacency.

It's the best way i can describe why i might possibly feel this way.

Why has this happened?
Well, here's my formula (i think).

Take one passionate, compassionate heart.

Add a pinch of depression.

Add a handful of comfortability.

Put in a pound of cultural influence saying it's okay to have more and more.

Throw in some pain (physical, emotional-- whichever not preferred).

Dash it with confusion.

Put in a little more pain.

Now, just stir it all together until you get this mess.

Bon Appetit!

Have i been too focused on following God's will?? Have i been waiting and asking too much??

God is all i need... then why do i just feel like this shell of a being?... as if i'm just looking at a picture of what is in front of me and all noise has turned into faint silence...

i am not normal. Right? The only way i can find out is if someone tells me.

This journal is the window to my mind and heart. You can look out the window, but you cannot ever fully enter, for if you do you will fall... And it will hurt and you will be lost more than before. So, for now, you may try to make sense of the mess past the glass while you sip your beverage of choice and wait for the allignment of those...

Shalom.

getting back still...

now listening to: Agaetis Byrjun by Sigur Ros
(Hopefull this music will be playing when I die... by jumping off a building into a vanilla sky like tom cruise... just kidding... but seriously)


I don't know right now. I DON'T KNOW. anything. All I know that God is there and that He wants me to follow his word. I don't know anything else right now.

I'm getting back to me. To what I love. I love to blog. I love to instant message to my best friends. I love to have conversations, deep conversations, with old friends, new friends, and non-friends. I love to listen to music of my heart. I love to look at people. I love to be in my own little world. I love to blog. (it's on their twice on purpose) I love to hang out and do nothing. I love to draw. I love to skateboard. I love to just sit and go blank. I love to sleep. I love to wake up early. I love to stay up late. I love to love. I love to be on fire. I love God. I LOVE GOD, in the deepest, most meaningful way possible. I love getting back to what God loves in me. I love to play guitar. I love to be messy. I love to clean my room. I love to go to class. I love to procrastinate. I love to be random. I love to pray. I love to stare out sun roofs. I love to get back to me God intended. I love you.
ShAlom.

The Bee Keeper is Back

Now listening to: The drone of my boredom...

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've wrote in this blasted thing...
It's been hard, cuz I have been thinking, but just about very personal stuff... Well, not personal like the stuff I have been sharing all along, but personal like I would not want to talk about certain people and hurt their feelings or make them think certain things about me just cuz I'm really bad at expressing myself... ya know what I mean?

Expression. We can't live with out it. We all use it so differently. Some people just talk to each other and are satisfied with the level of profficiency of their communication.
I am not one of those people. You can't "just talk" to another person, even if they say they just want you to say what you're thinking. Cuz in all honesty, what you're thinking probably doesn't make sense and may scare the jeepers out of them (yes, i said jeepers).
Expression. We have to have it. Why is that? Why do we almost explode when we can't express ourselves? Always expressing. Talking, screaming, crying, painting, singing, playing, running, praying, ignoring, delaying... expressing...
And we can only assume we understand someone else's expression, but rarely do we, because we instantly guess the meaning.
I wish I was better at expressing... I would probably wouldn't be so jerk-looking and probably wouldn't hurt people as much or frustrate them.

Chapter Eight of My Most Memorable Moments

Skateboarding. I probably only started doing it because my uncle had started doing it, but the fact was that I thought it was really cool. Boy, did I suck at it... and still do. It's funny how much time I put into it and just really never got that much better. It's probably cuz I'm a wuss... I probably wouldn't ever gone pro if I tried, but it doesn't help when your father kills your hopes and dreams by saying, "Ryan, you're never gonna become great at skateboarding." I may not have, you know, but you just don't kill someone's heart like that. I loved skateboarding. I felt closer to God when I did it. I felt honest. If I messed up on a trick, I could just take that inanimate skateboard and throw it as hard as I could and just flip out. Was I really mad at the board? No. I was mad at life, but this helped hide that fact.
I remembering dreaming about skateboarding all my life...
When I got to college though, time sorta just got shifted...
I still have the bugger... maybe I should take off and live like I want, and not like everyone is telling me to live like...
Shalom.

Get away from the pain by sleeping dreams...

Now listening to: Get Lifted by John Legend

My computer is temporarily unavailable, so I haven't taken the time to right blogs. I should've though, cuz I've been thinking about a bunch of stuff. Guess what! I'm graduating in December 2005! That's so unexpected... I gots no idea what I'm going to do... I've got all this growing up to do... It's funny... You're supposed to be grown up in college, yet it seems like highschool a lot of the time.
I can't be an RA, so I don't know where I'm living... I just don't know a lot right now...
I was watching a sappy, romantic movie called, "Serendipity," which I like a lot, but it definitely throws out the idea that LOVE IS PATIENT- it waits for the right time. It's so tempting to make the present time the right time, but that's a big no no... Man, I was almost crying tonight when I was hanging out with Audrey. The reason was because I had been hurt really bad in the past by a "girlfriend" and I will never get that part of my heart back. My logical thoughts and my romantic feelings constantly contradict each other-- "Don't kiss her; you know your limits"... "Kiss her; it's the perfect moment; it's just a kiss." She is my sister in Christ, so I must help her to honor God more. Distraction.
I thought I knew how to handle these things, but now I realize I got no idea whatsoever.
ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to start right, because that usually means starting from scratch also.

"We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go.
We're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow..."

Love. I talk way too much about it... but I don't care, because God is love... and I love God.
Love. I walk away from it too much... but I don't care, because I'm comfortable...
HOLD UP.
I'm wearing this bracelet that says, "Fight hunger and homelessness".
I'm I fighting it?? What ever happened to community, that word that is over-used and under-appreciated. Kids are denied of education. Families are denied of food. Mothers are denied of basic pregnancy care. Nations are denied protection. Thousands are denied a shelter to live in. MILLIONS ARE DENIED LOVE FROM THEIR FELLOW MAN.
Why? So you can wear designer jeans and eat fillet mignon??? STOP IT!!!!
I make myself sick.
But what can we do??? What difference can I make??
It's not about YOU! It's about God, foremost, then it's about US.
MILLIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN LOVE.
What I believe is defined by what I do... If you're not living it, You Don't Believe it!!!
Shalom.