For those few seconds I was flying.

Well, college has started once again and, boy, do I feel like I have wasted a lot of time. I guess "wasted" isn't the best word. More like "used unwisely". I don't want to grow up, but it had to happen sometime. I would always hear my elders saying, "I wish had done this... I wish I had done that," but I never really understood the importance of what they were trying to teach me until now-- until it was just about too late.
I don't want to grow up.

I am now living about a twenty minute bike ride away from campus, which isn't so fun to take when it is pouring outside (I learned the hard way yesterday). The militia of freshmen swarms the campus and I feel like a dot on a white piece of paper.
I don't want to grow up.

It's hard because life is evidently a choice that I make. Every second of it is up to me whether to do something exciting, to hang out, to play guitar, to read, to draw, to be bored, etc.
I've always been used to it being done for me.
I don't want to grow up.

When I was in kindergarten, it was so much joy and so much easier. I would make a piece of junk out of clay and finger paint, which was then a beautiful masterpiece that even DaVinci could keep up with, and my mom would keep it forever. I would go to lunch, drink my semi-warm milk, jump off as much crap as possible, because for those few seconds I was flying, and go to bed early without anybody making fun of me. Never realizing where I would go, how would get there, or how mentally unstable I would be when I got there. I would ride my bike until I couldn't breathe, build a tree house, save the world, and defeat evil all in one day.
I don't want to grow up.
Shalom.

Cuando este hombre sale...

I hope.

I dream.

I pray.

I think.

I write.

I wonder.

I complain.

I point fingers.

I flip out.

I ramble.

I lose conclusions.

I be me.

and you listen.

Thank you.

s

h

a

l

o

m.

I saw this picture when I got on the computer today.
It's so sad...
His heart sees her and screams and weeps.
His mind sees this, remembers his orders, and looks away.
I wish I could say I was better than this man.
I do nothing. I have always done nothing, so why should I feel bad now? I cannot fix the world, so why make an impossible attempt to achieve something great for the world?
I find myself stuck in an agrigate attitude. To get my house, my car, my job, my "life... but I do not want that, I do not want that. I want something for them for those who are essentially supposed to be one in the same body with me, but that is not what most want, that is not what most want. Am I to judge what I know what other people want?? No. But if it looks like, smells like, tastes like, acts like, and is like what it appears to be, more than likely it is...
Deep down people want more. Somebody used to tell me, "want in one and crap in the other. see which one is full first."
I pray that my wants and beliefs would match up with my life and actions, or esle am I really believing? I pray that I'll have the faith in a God who intricately made me in love and can do limitless things. I pray that.
shalom.

Bored Blog

Now listening to: Fly Away by Paul Wright

Whoooo!! Bored! Man, I'll tell you I need to just go off on this blog like nobody's business because I feel lately that purpose is such a dilemma and I've been put in a environment where I think the purpose I need to achieve, that I feel so worthless. Then that leads to loneliness... which leads to me thinking about why I think I'm lonely, only amplifying these bottles of emotions.

The world is watching us from a distance,
wanting more for their own existence...
Tell me,
How will we make a difference,
for eternity?
Does anybody want to know why...
we're alive?
What's teh purpose of this life?
Before I die and I leave the world behind...
I want to know why I'm alive.
God created for the Creator,
to live inside
there's a hole in your soul and i know,
that you try
to fill it
with everylittle thing but the very one who can,
heal it
and bring hope to a world that wants to know why..... .they're alive.

spirit cry for this generation
we're chasing the wind trying to embrace it
open our eyes
to all the lies that we try to justify
when deep down inside all we want to find
is someon that loves us all of the time
and it's you
-you're beautiful

Man, I feel like the more people I meet, the more I ruin the chance of compacting all the love I have in the people I know already, but I feel like if I don't go out there and just go crazy with meeting all these billions of people, I will miss out. I think I've been so worried about missing out on any and every little thing possible, that I just paralyzed myself ice cold.

And I realize I'm not getting any younger, and so the feeling of "ahh shoot... I've blown all my chances," and that applies to the girl issue a lot. I think I have no stinkin' idea what I want.

All i know is that for some odd reason with all this stuff there's this feeling of regret... A feeling of why couldn't it just be like it used to?-- always living in the past...
Why is it that people like to tell stories of the past so much?

Why cannot I just get that one thing that I need to get??? I just want to scream and break stuff! I feel so ignorant, yet I feel all of the others that aren't bothered by this "petty" stuff are even more ignorant, but I am not one to judge.
This just brings thousands of questions about my existence as a man, christian, and human being...
So frustrated that I want it all to end, but so regretful I don't want it to ever end......
Shalom.

Spontaneous Blog

now listening to: stephen covell

I haven't written for a while. That tends to happen when my brain gets all like "what the heck is going on?!?!?"... so yeah... i apologize

The summer of Chicago has ended... so sad. I met some of the greatest people I think I will ever meet in my life... and they are off to their places... geeze luise

Well, i'm back home and sooo bored. I feel so worthless here. I don't know what to do, so I just read and write and play and swim and sleep... Not too bad... but, the world is still out there just waiting for some of its enormous problems to be fixed, healed, etc.

I know a couple blogs I wrote, "just do something," and I'm starting to realize that it's harder than it seems. Does that mean I have the right to give up?? NEVER. If I'm to follow Christ, I need to pick up my cross (and not a little wussy one tied around my neck, but a huge, sucky, heavy, cutting cross) and carry it. God will supply all that I need as long as I believe (which is obeying) in him.

My brother is going to college and is going through a lot of drama. the poor kid. I just hope he's actually asking God's will for his life and not God's will for his relationship with his girlfriend and thinking that that's the same thing. No matter what, he's still a pretty awesome man of God.

School is going to start soon. Oh no. I graduate in December!! and have no stinkin' clue what i'm going to do!! suck. ehh... it's not like i had any clue in any advanced time before this time in my life anyways, and it's been good (great) so far, so whatever happens, happens.

I'm reading this book called, Black Like Me, and it rocks my face off! It's about this guy in the 50's and he takes this medication to make himself look like an African-american and moves to the south. True story! Isn't that sweet?!? I hope that I have the gahones to do something like that.

I was talking to my amiga ashley last night about a lot of stuff and i've come to some conclusions: 1. "The 5 love languages" is a dumb book. 2. I'm way too funny and pretend like I'm all good, when my head has a whole nother world going on, which people may actually like to hear about. 3. I've never had a real best friend- sad. 4. I don't really care that i've never really had a best friend- sad also. 5. God will supply ALL things-- happy:)

well, i don't want to ramble anymore.
shalom.

Sirens sound so distant when they're not coming for you...

So, I may have flipped out, but it's like if you don't, then it dies... it dies inside of you...
It's just this whole "what is believeing?" subject and what makes Christians any different from others and why is it percieved as boring to be a Christian.

Last night our staff talked about re-entry, which is a term used to describe the crazy feelings you go through when you go on some type of missions work and return home....
It's funny (well, not funny, but interesting) that I've never really have went through "re-entry", but I've had these feelings that people talk about. And it's like, "I don't want to get rid of these feelings, "cope" with them, or whatever it's called". And I realized that that's not what they were fully trying to do to me, but I feel like that this kind of approach (the approach of numbing) is a regular one to Christians.

And I kept on thinking....
on the prayer tour of Chicago I tell my groups, "With the immense size of Chicago comes immense problems, and there are no simple solutions." I was thinking about this line and about what do I do with this.

I must do something.

But, me doing something will not fix anything. Only God can fix things if He desires. But, that is not a call to just "let God do it," because to "let God do it", we have to involve our lives into his desire. In this Bonhoeffer book, he says that "only those who obey believe.'' I'm not sure how much I agree with this, because of the biblical quote "those who confess with their mouths...", but back then confessing with your mouth took action afterwards. And I'm not sure also because I AM SCARED, I am scared of what that means. Does that mean when I do not obey what I know is true, that I am not believing? Does this mean that the most basic part of Christianity, mostly all of us are missing? Oh geeze...
shalom.

Que hora es????

Now Listening to: Mars Volta

man, things in my head are swirling, but it's so terrible because things are not yet swirling like I wish they would. Ya know?

I've been thinking over and over again how if you see something is wrong, then do something about it. The Complacent Christian needs to be destroyed. Whether I want to or not, the time is now for a revolution to start. To start. Who is going to start it? "Here am I, send me." All my life I have seemed to fit this role that I am the guy sent to do something that nobody else wants to do, and in that I find the beauty and hope I will in this case.
But... through this I realized a revolution will not be started by me. A revolution will be started by God and people who are humbled enough to only let God shine through. I do not believe we will achieve this by becoming famous people who go down in history, for we will be remembered. I believe we need people who do not want the credit.
I am not saying do not write songs or books or whatever, but isn't there a way where we can make this great things that we are passionate about without saying that we did it-- like some kind of anonymous way...
Maybe I am idealistic, but God is soooo powerful, right?
Don't you agree?
Don't you feel like you purpose is fulfilled yet?
Don't you?
Don't you feel like there's still something more you can do to bless God and the world?
Don't you?

"of course he would like to go and do something extraordinary, and it does demand a good deal of self-restraint to refrain from the attempt and content himself with living as the world lives. Yet it is imperative for the Christian to achieve renunciation, to practise self-effacement, to distinguish his life from the life of the world. He must let grace be grace indeed, otherwise he will destroy the world's faith in the free gift of grace."

So... I quoted Bonhoeffer from his book, which I just talked about how I didn't know how I felt about reading other books... but, I did it to see how it felt... and I don't think I revolutionized my mind with it. But I thought this helped enforce a little of what I feel like we Christians are doing. You can't tell me you are reading this and think there's not something more in your life missing... YOU CAN'T! Be honest with yourself... If you don't feel that way, I feel so sorry for you, for you are blind.
I am not judging you, but I am saying THIS IS THE TIME TO REACT TO WHAT WE FIND WRONG. What is silently screaming in your heart?? Tell yourself. I want nothing from you out of this. I want what God wants-- for you to get it. For you to get smacked in the face by injustice and falseness, so that you may start swinging back with the love of God.

shalom...