lice

my money got stolen,
and my movie-player is gone,
my door is broke.
it could be worse.
i just don't want to
find the lice living in my hair.

is God out to get us?
is Satan out to get us?
who shall prevail?
and will we keep sail?
i just don't want to
find the 'thing' keeping the beast alive.

because that 'thing' is mostly me.

i mess up.
i concentrate too hard.
i've lost my thoughts,
in my past.
and my past
is never too far.
i've lost my sights,
in my heart.

even if the light blinds me,
i'll try to open my eyes.
going blind is far better
far better than closing my eyes.

because i won't keep staring inside of me.

shalom.

decisions

oh, i started all over again,
where did i start,
where shall i end?

this could have all been so easy, to make the choices, that is. i could have either decided to do something or decided to do something else.
but what did i decide?
nothing.

it's weird sometimes, because i'll not recognize my own face. who have i become? have i been pretending to act like Jesus so long, that i forgot who i was, what i want, and how God wants to use me?

I feel like everything is color-faded, volume-depleted, and passion-lacked. that is my fault. i know that. so, i must do. simply do. simply do that one crazy feeling in my gut that says, "hey, run down the street," or "hey, go talk to that person," or "hey, make a pancake". Because denying that God could ever want to talk to me or use me is sure getting old. i have a purpose. i have strength. i have the stupidity to follow Jesus. i have no excuse to let my life become another number in the statistics. i'm sick of thinking, "if i don't change, i will die a miserable person."

it's funny because i thought working at a gas station had nothing to do with God, but little did i know...
- a kid comes in addicted to drugs asking me how Jesus can help him not waste his life away.
- a man tells me how he's praying for the right woman to help him raise his son.
- a girl begins to take a journey on how to realize that she is not defined by who likes her but how God sees her.

i don't know what my life will be when i die, but i do know that this moment, right now, is part of it.

and i have to decide,
to either point everything in my life towards Jesus,
or to fade away.

i don't want to fade away.

i want to live.

shalom.


p.s.