now listening to: Agaetis Byrjun by Sigur Ros
(Hopefull this music will be playing when I die... by jumping off a building into a vanilla sky like tom cruise... just kidding... but seriously)
I don't know right now. I DON'T KNOW. anything. All I know that God is there and that He wants me to follow his word. I don't know anything else right now.
I'm getting back to me. To what I love. I love to blog. I love to instant message to my best friends. I love to have conversations, deep conversations, with old friends, new friends, and non-friends. I love to listen to music of my heart. I love to look at people. I love to be in my own little world. I love to blog. (it's on their twice on purpose) I love to hang out and do nothing. I love to draw. I love to skateboard. I love to just sit and go blank. I love to sleep. I love to wake up early. I love to stay up late. I love to love. I love to be on fire. I love God. I LOVE GOD, in the deepest, most meaningful way possible. I love getting back to what God loves in me. I love to play guitar. I love to be messy. I love to clean my room. I love to go to class. I love to procrastinate. I love to be random. I love to pray. I love to stare out sun roofs. I love to get back to me God intended. I love you.
ShAlom.
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Bee Keeper is Back
Now listening to: The drone of my boredom...
Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've wrote in this blasted thing...
It's been hard, cuz I have been thinking, but just about very personal stuff... Well, not personal like the stuff I have been sharing all along, but personal like I would not want to talk about certain people and hurt their feelings or make them think certain things about me just cuz I'm really bad at expressing myself... ya know what I mean?
Expression. We can't live with out it. We all use it so differently. Some people just talk to each other and are satisfied with the level of profficiency of their communication.
I am not one of those people. You can't "just talk" to another person, even if they say they just want you to say what you're thinking. Cuz in all honesty, what you're thinking probably doesn't make sense and may scare the jeepers out of them (yes, i said jeepers).
Expression. We have to have it. Why is that? Why do we almost explode when we can't express ourselves? Always expressing. Talking, screaming, crying, painting, singing, playing, running, praying, ignoring, delaying... expressing...
And we can only assume we understand someone else's expression, but rarely do we, because we instantly guess the meaning.
I wish I was better at expressing... I would probably wouldn't be so jerk-looking and probably wouldn't hurt people as much or frustrate them.
Chapter Eight of My Most Memorable Moments
Skateboarding. I probably only started doing it because my uncle had started doing it, but the fact was that I thought it was really cool. Boy, did I suck at it... and still do. It's funny how much time I put into it and just really never got that much better. It's probably cuz I'm a wuss... I probably wouldn't ever gone pro if I tried, but it doesn't help when your father kills your hopes and dreams by saying, "Ryan, you're never gonna become great at skateboarding." I may not have, you know, but you just don't kill someone's heart like that. I loved skateboarding. I felt closer to God when I did it. I felt honest. If I messed up on a trick, I could just take that inanimate skateboard and throw it as hard as I could and just flip out. Was I really mad at the board? No. I was mad at life, but this helped hide that fact.
I remembering dreaming about skateboarding all my life...
When I got to college though, time sorta just got shifted...
I still have the bugger... maybe I should take off and live like I want, and not like everyone is telling me to live like...
Shalom.
Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've wrote in this blasted thing...
It's been hard, cuz I have been thinking, but just about very personal stuff... Well, not personal like the stuff I have been sharing all along, but personal like I would not want to talk about certain people and hurt their feelings or make them think certain things about me just cuz I'm really bad at expressing myself... ya know what I mean?
Expression. We can't live with out it. We all use it so differently. Some people just talk to each other and are satisfied with the level of profficiency of their communication.
I am not one of those people. You can't "just talk" to another person, even if they say they just want you to say what you're thinking. Cuz in all honesty, what you're thinking probably doesn't make sense and may scare the jeepers out of them (yes, i said jeepers).
Expression. We have to have it. Why is that? Why do we almost explode when we can't express ourselves? Always expressing. Talking, screaming, crying, painting, singing, playing, running, praying, ignoring, delaying... expressing...
And we can only assume we understand someone else's expression, but rarely do we, because we instantly guess the meaning.
I wish I was better at expressing... I would probably wouldn't be so jerk-looking and probably wouldn't hurt people as much or frustrate them.
Chapter Eight of My Most Memorable Moments
Skateboarding. I probably only started doing it because my uncle had started doing it, but the fact was that I thought it was really cool. Boy, did I suck at it... and still do. It's funny how much time I put into it and just really never got that much better. It's probably cuz I'm a wuss... I probably wouldn't ever gone pro if I tried, but it doesn't help when your father kills your hopes and dreams by saying, "Ryan, you're never gonna become great at skateboarding." I may not have, you know, but you just don't kill someone's heart like that. I loved skateboarding. I felt closer to God when I did it. I felt honest. If I messed up on a trick, I could just take that inanimate skateboard and throw it as hard as I could and just flip out. Was I really mad at the board? No. I was mad at life, but this helped hide that fact.
I remembering dreaming about skateboarding all my life...
When I got to college though, time sorta just got shifted...
I still have the bugger... maybe I should take off and live like I want, and not like everyone is telling me to live like...
Shalom.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Get away from the pain by sleeping dreams...
Now listening to: Get Lifted by John Legend
My computer is temporarily unavailable, so I haven't taken the time to right blogs. I should've though, cuz I've been thinking about a bunch of stuff. Guess what! I'm graduating in December 2005! That's so unexpected... I gots no idea what I'm going to do... I've got all this growing up to do... It's funny... You're supposed to be grown up in college, yet it seems like highschool a lot of the time.
I can't be an RA, so I don't know where I'm living... I just don't know a lot right now...
I was watching a sappy, romantic movie called, "Serendipity," which I like a lot, but it definitely throws out the idea that LOVE IS PATIENT- it waits for the right time. It's so tempting to make the present time the right time, but that's a big no no... Man, I was almost crying tonight when I was hanging out with Audrey. The reason was because I had been hurt really bad in the past by a "girlfriend" and I will never get that part of my heart back. My logical thoughts and my romantic feelings constantly contradict each other-- "Don't kiss her; you know your limits"... "Kiss her; it's the perfect moment; it's just a kiss." She is my sister in Christ, so I must help her to honor God more. Distraction.
I thought I knew how to handle these things, but now I realize I got no idea whatsoever.
ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to start right, because that usually means starting from scratch also.
"We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go.
We're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow..."
Love. I talk way too much about it... but I don't care, because God is love... and I love God.
Love. I walk away from it too much... but I don't care, because I'm comfortable...
HOLD UP.
I'm wearing this bracelet that says, "Fight hunger and homelessness".
I'm I fighting it?? What ever happened to community, that word that is over-used and under-appreciated. Kids are denied of education. Families are denied of food. Mothers are denied of basic pregnancy care. Nations are denied protection. Thousands are denied a shelter to live in. MILLIONS ARE DENIED LOVE FROM THEIR FELLOW MAN.
Why? So you can wear designer jeans and eat fillet mignon??? STOP IT!!!!
I make myself sick.
But what can we do??? What difference can I make??
It's not about YOU! It's about God, foremost, then it's about US.
MILLIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN LOVE.
What I believe is defined by what I do... If you're not living it, You Don't Believe it!!!
Shalom.
My computer is temporarily unavailable, so I haven't taken the time to right blogs. I should've though, cuz I've been thinking about a bunch of stuff. Guess what! I'm graduating in December 2005! That's so unexpected... I gots no idea what I'm going to do... I've got all this growing up to do... It's funny... You're supposed to be grown up in college, yet it seems like highschool a lot of the time.
I can't be an RA, so I don't know where I'm living... I just don't know a lot right now...
I was watching a sappy, romantic movie called, "Serendipity," which I like a lot, but it definitely throws out the idea that LOVE IS PATIENT- it waits for the right time. It's so tempting to make the present time the right time, but that's a big no no... Man, I was almost crying tonight when I was hanging out with Audrey. The reason was because I had been hurt really bad in the past by a "girlfriend" and I will never get that part of my heart back. My logical thoughts and my romantic feelings constantly contradict each other-- "Don't kiss her; you know your limits"... "Kiss her; it's the perfect moment; it's just a kiss." She is my sister in Christ, so I must help her to honor God more. Distraction.
I thought I knew how to handle these things, but now I realize I got no idea whatsoever.
ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to start right, because that usually means starting from scratch also.
"We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go.
We're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow..."
Love. I talk way too much about it... but I don't care, because God is love... and I love God.
Love. I walk away from it too much... but I don't care, because I'm comfortable...
HOLD UP.
I'm wearing this bracelet that says, "Fight hunger and homelessness".
I'm I fighting it?? What ever happened to community, that word that is over-used and under-appreciated. Kids are denied of education. Families are denied of food. Mothers are denied of basic pregnancy care. Nations are denied protection. Thousands are denied a shelter to live in. MILLIONS ARE DENIED LOVE FROM THEIR FELLOW MAN.
Why? So you can wear designer jeans and eat fillet mignon??? STOP IT!!!!
I make myself sick.
But what can we do??? What difference can I make??
It's not about YOU! It's about God, foremost, then it's about US.
MILLIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN LOVE.
What I believe is defined by what I do... If you're not living it, You Don't Believe it!!!
Shalom.
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