I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.
But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.
My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.
But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"
We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.
That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.
I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.
shalom.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Poverty, Hope, Peace, and Love
Now listening to: Nas, Lupe Fiasco, Common, The Roots, and Kidz in the Hall
I can finally walk around and sit up in a chair. I got to go to my first restaurant in months last night. It was so amazing.
I'm still leaking, though. The whole keeps getting bigger. The pin-prick on my taint is now turn into a gaping whole that a pen or pencil could fit into. I hope it doesn't keep getting bigger.
Other than that, money.
I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in August. I just hope I'm able to work soon and that we can make enough money to start living without always borrow cars and what-not from friends. Plus, rent and loans need paying for. I always face the huge fear that many people do not understand. If I get a job that does not supply supreme insurance, I will get sick and could possibly die again.
Poor people have to make the decision of either working and paying bills while being extremely sick, or getting medicaid while not being able to pay rent or bills.
Some middle-class citizens try to tell me that poor being are the ones screwing up this system and they, "just need to get jobs, stop procreating, and keep their kids from being criminals."
Well, I'm poor. The system doesn't supply, doesn't create, doesn't fix, doesn't help. IT IS SIMPLY THERE. A conundrum of begging on your knees like a dog and being told, "If you try to do your own thing, we will abandon you the second you try."
I don't know what the answer is.
I know there is an answer.
I just am too blind of a sinner to see it at the moment.
Giving up on any hope, peace, and love is lazy and a bigger sin than we think. It's a sin that lets people die. It's a sin that puts people into slavery at cents an hour. It's a sin that sends us to covet our best friends and neighbors. It's a sin that sends us into a judgmental abyss. It's a sin that lies to us into thinking we're not that bad.
I'm not saying to make sure you see hope, peace, and love no matter what happens.
I'm saying to make sure you don't give up on trying to see these things.
Shalom.
I can finally walk around and sit up in a chair. I got to go to my first restaurant in months last night. It was so amazing.
I'm still leaking, though. The whole keeps getting bigger. The pin-prick on my taint is now turn into a gaping whole that a pen or pencil could fit into. I hope it doesn't keep getting bigger.
Other than that, money.
I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in August. I just hope I'm able to work soon and that we can make enough money to start living without always borrow cars and what-not from friends. Plus, rent and loans need paying for. I always face the huge fear that many people do not understand. If I get a job that does not supply supreme insurance, I will get sick and could possibly die again.
Poor people have to make the decision of either working and paying bills while being extremely sick, or getting medicaid while not being able to pay rent or bills.
Some middle-class citizens try to tell me that poor being are the ones screwing up this system and they, "just need to get jobs, stop procreating, and keep their kids from being criminals."
Well, I'm poor. The system doesn't supply, doesn't create, doesn't fix, doesn't help. IT IS SIMPLY THERE. A conundrum of begging on your knees like a dog and being told, "If you try to do your own thing, we will abandon you the second you try."
I don't know what the answer is.
I know there is an answer.
I just am too blind of a sinner to see it at the moment.
Giving up on any hope, peace, and love is lazy and a bigger sin than we think. It's a sin that lets people die. It's a sin that puts people into slavery at cents an hour. It's a sin that sends us to covet our best friends and neighbors. It's a sin that sends us into a judgmental abyss. It's a sin that lies to us into thinking we're not that bad.
I'm not saying to make sure you see hope, peace, and love no matter what happens.
I'm saying to make sure you don't give up on trying to see these things.
Shalom.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Yesterday was an better day than most, lately.
Things are seeming to get a little better.
I walked around the grocery store for half an hour (more like just leaned on the cart with as much as weight possible-- but I'll take what i can get).
I did dishes while standing up for about half an hour (and thought I was going to pass out afterwards).
I'm not bleeding as much and I don't have to take as many pain pills.
I just can't wait until I'm able to sit up without bleeding all over myself.
The doctor said he's not sure how long it will take to heal up.
I just want to be in a condition to have a job, honestly.
Loans, food, and trying to plan a wedding by the end of the summer seems impossible from my perspective at the moment.
I couldn't sleep last night.
Shalom.
I walked around the grocery store for half an hour (more like just leaned on the cart with as much as weight possible-- but I'll take what i can get).
I did dishes while standing up for about half an hour (and thought I was going to pass out afterwards).
I'm not bleeding as much and I don't have to take as many pain pills.
I just can't wait until I'm able to sit up without bleeding all over myself.
The doctor said he's not sure how long it will take to heal up.
I just want to be in a condition to have a job, honestly.
Loans, food, and trying to plan a wedding by the end of the summer seems impossible from my perspective at the moment.
I couldn't sleep last night.
Shalom.
Monday, April 06, 2009
OUCH!!!!!
The worst part about these fistulas, is if I'm not lucky, air forces its way through the fistula in my taint/chode area. This happend about 15 times in the past couple hours. I've been screaming out loud and crying. It hurts sofa king bad.
I was trying to fart, but my body wouldn't let me, then all of a sudden-- BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!... BAM!.....BAM!
It would stop for like 30 seconds.
Then, I'm too paranoid to sleep, so I get on my house-mate's laptop. About 5 minutes later-- BAM! BAM!... BAM!... BAM! BAM!
The pain. All I can do is just scream and it's six in the morning. My house-mates are still sleeping.
Now, I'm just waiting to go to my infusion at 1:30.
I swear I'll crap and pee my pants before I let that air-crotch thing happen again. You have no idea how bad it hurts. Unless you stabbed that area with a steak knife real slowly.
shalom.
I was trying to fart, but my body wouldn't let me, then all of a sudden-- BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!... BAM!.....BAM!
It would stop for like 30 seconds.
Then, I'm too paranoid to sleep, so I get on my house-mate's laptop. About 5 minutes later-- BAM! BAM!... BAM!... BAM! BAM!
The pain. All I can do is just scream and it's six in the morning. My house-mates are still sleeping.
Now, I'm just waiting to go to my infusion at 1:30.
I swear I'll crap and pee my pants before I let that air-crotch thing happen again. You have no idea how bad it hurts. Unless you stabbed that area with a steak knife real slowly.
shalom.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Raging Dragon Fistula
So, in case you know me and you've heard I was sick and you're not really sure or don't understand what's going on with me, I will explain.
I have fistulas, a common part of Crohn's Disease. When one has Crohn's Disease or some other bowel related illness, the colon and/or intestines are very, very sick. They can be bruised, bleeding, ulcerated, inflamed, etc. Now, in my case, the walls of my colon became very ulcerated. Now what happened in my case (a bunch of times), if you can imagine, was something like this:
Pretend your staring at a wall that goes all the way around you. You are now in the colon.
Now, imagine you just threw a bucket of acid on the wall. It doesn't erode instantly, but after a while, a small dent forms, then the indentation gets deeper and a hole forms. It could be as small as the tip of a pen, or it could be bigger.
The first time I got really sick, the holes just stopped in mid flight and one stopped right near the skin and filled up with infectious puss. A lot. So combine the pain of the pressure of swelling and the pain of your tissue (of your butt) separating in big pockets randomly (right in the sensitive part of your butt!). The infectious puss (abscesses) close to the skin swelled up so much that they broke through the skin (on the inside of my butt cheek!) and the infection oozed out. So, now they were fistulas. A fistula is when an abscess makes it to the skin, forming a complete tunnel or hole from your intestine to the skin! So, if you can't imagine how bad this hurts, try to picture your most sensitive body parts having holes drilled through them. Just real slow...
The second time (this time) I got really sick, those fistulas (tunnels) re-opened, thus started to leak. My toilet paper expenses thus go up because I'm constantly trying to soak up the drainage. I go to the emergency room, they give me antibiotics, but for some reason the antibiotics don't work very much.
So then the process starts all over again... Except this time, the tunnel travels up into my perineum. Do you know what your perineum is? It's your taint, your chode, your fleshy fun bridge, the space between your privates and your pooper.
And do you know how bad it swells up?
Do this:
Stop typing, double-clicking, or whatever your doing (keep reading).
Look at your right hand.
Now clinch your right hand in to a fist.
Now place your fist between your legs, high up close to your groin.
That's what was going on with me, BUT UNDERNEATH THE SKIN!
After about 6 weeks of having that much swelling, it finally gets to the skin! So, now there is drainage constantly coming out between my legs like I'm a some sort of woman with the period from hell! And, it still feels like someone is kicking me in the privates. And, if I need to pass gas, but don't, the air forces its way into that hole in my colon wall and up through my perineum. I don't know if you've ever straddled a cactus, but that's the only thing I can imagine it feeling like. So, yes, I have to take a lot of pain medicine, and I still end up screaming randomly, and I have hold myself with my hands down my pants so I don't start crying, and I can only lay on my back, and if I sit up my butt will be covered in blood and puss, and I go through a toilet paper roll in two days by myself.
I'm supposed to get another infusion. That will help it, but, honestly, I don't think it will fix it. I bet you I have to get surgery sometime in the near future.
You know what that means?!?! I will have to have a colostomy bag!
Sorry if this is too much, but this is me. This is my disease. If you care about me, then you care to know.
Shalom.
I have fistulas, a common part of Crohn's Disease. When one has Crohn's Disease or some other bowel related illness, the colon and/or intestines are very, very sick. They can be bruised, bleeding, ulcerated, inflamed, etc. Now, in my case, the walls of my colon became very ulcerated. Now what happened in my case (a bunch of times), if you can imagine, was something like this:
Pretend your staring at a wall that goes all the way around you. You are now in the colon.
Now, imagine you just threw a bucket of acid on the wall. It doesn't erode instantly, but after a while, a small dent forms, then the indentation gets deeper and a hole forms. It could be as small as the tip of a pen, or it could be bigger.
The first time I got really sick, the holes just stopped in mid flight and one stopped right near the skin and filled up with infectious puss. A lot. So combine the pain of the pressure of swelling and the pain of your tissue (of your butt) separating in big pockets randomly (right in the sensitive part of your butt!). The infectious puss (abscesses) close to the skin swelled up so much that they broke through the skin (on the inside of my butt cheek!) and the infection oozed out. So, now they were fistulas. A fistula is when an abscess makes it to the skin, forming a complete tunnel or hole from your intestine to the skin! So, if you can't imagine how bad this hurts, try to picture your most sensitive body parts having holes drilled through them. Just real slow...
The second time (this time) I got really sick, those fistulas (tunnels) re-opened, thus started to leak. My toilet paper expenses thus go up because I'm constantly trying to soak up the drainage. I go to the emergency room, they give me antibiotics, but for some reason the antibiotics don't work very much.
So then the process starts all over again... Except this time, the tunnel travels up into my perineum. Do you know what your perineum is? It's your taint, your chode, your fleshy fun bridge, the space between your privates and your pooper.
And do you know how bad it swells up?
Do this:
Stop typing, double-clicking, or whatever your doing (keep reading).
Look at your right hand.
Now clinch your right hand in to a fist.
Now place your fist between your legs, high up close to your groin.
That's what was going on with me, BUT UNDERNEATH THE SKIN!
After about 6 weeks of having that much swelling, it finally gets to the skin! So, now there is drainage constantly coming out between my legs like I'm a some sort of woman with the period from hell! And, it still feels like someone is kicking me in the privates. And, if I need to pass gas, but don't, the air forces its way into that hole in my colon wall and up through my perineum. I don't know if you've ever straddled a cactus, but that's the only thing I can imagine it feeling like. So, yes, I have to take a lot of pain medicine, and I still end up screaming randomly, and I have hold myself with my hands down my pants so I don't start crying, and I can only lay on my back, and if I sit up my butt will be covered in blood and puss, and I go through a toilet paper roll in two days by myself.
I'm supposed to get another infusion. That will help it, but, honestly, I don't think it will fix it. I bet you I have to get surgery sometime in the near future.
You know what that means?!?! I will have to have a colostomy bag!
Sorry if this is too much, but this is me. This is my disease. If you care about me, then you care to know.
Shalom.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Lying on My Back for Seven Weeks
I just want to be able to get up and do something without the painful bleeding.
I've been lying in bed for about seven weeks!
Every once and a while I would try to get up and do something, but every time it would just get worse. 1. Went bowling. Was screaming the next day; 2. Walk around the grocery store for 20 minutes. Started bleeding profusely from my groin; 3. Did the dishes. Started bleeding even more and was screaming in pain the next day; 4. Went to Leah's play. My pants were soaked through with blood.
This sucks.
I can't work. I can't walk. I can't go out. I can't sit. I can't ride a bike. I can't go to a restaurant. Well, I could do this things, but I would have pants with blood all over them and I would be screaming in pain.
On the plus side: I get to sleep whenever I want. I have a lot of time to read. I have a lot of time to watch t.v. I lost a healthy amount of weight. I get to see Leah a lot. Leah does everything for me. She is an angel. If it weren't for her, I would seriously be dead or close to it. She has waited on me hand and foot without even complaining, even if I try to hassle her she just brushes it off. I sure am blessed.
Well, that's all I really have to write about today.
Wait. For you other bloggers, I would appreciate it if you would write more, because I've been checking your blogs almost every day and am getting bored!
Come on! Write anything!
Shalom.
I've been lying in bed for about seven weeks!
Every once and a while I would try to get up and do something, but every time it would just get worse. 1. Went bowling. Was screaming the next day; 2. Walk around the grocery store for 20 minutes. Started bleeding profusely from my groin; 3. Did the dishes. Started bleeding even more and was screaming in pain the next day; 4. Went to Leah's play. My pants were soaked through with blood.
This sucks.
I can't work. I can't walk. I can't go out. I can't sit. I can't ride a bike. I can't go to a restaurant. Well, I could do this things, but I would have pants with blood all over them and I would be screaming in pain.
On the plus side: I get to sleep whenever I want. I have a lot of time to read. I have a lot of time to watch t.v. I lost a healthy amount of weight. I get to see Leah a lot. Leah does everything for me. She is an angel. If it weren't for her, I would seriously be dead or close to it. She has waited on me hand and foot without even complaining, even if I try to hassle her she just brushes it off. I sure am blessed.
Well, that's all I really have to write about today.
Wait. For you other bloggers, I would appreciate it if you would write more, because I've been checking your blogs almost every day and am getting bored!
Come on! Write anything!
Shalom.
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