No matter how good I am, I've still done things that I'm ashamed of.
Like a cancer, I have an x-ray vision to see the black spots covering my heart.
I don't even have to asked to be searched.
My hideous mistakes burn like acid reflux-- embarrassments to constantly swallow.
I am not unique, though.
Everyone has done things that are shameful.
No matter if the greatest mind, the strongest heart, the most courageous actions,
they still shall become a form of evil at one point or another.
Evil actions that seem to make a person evil as well.
Actions that condemn a person for the Hell he has tried to release.
Whenever I hear the news about so-and-so committing some crime, my hearts drops.
I can't help but think that I would rather be blamed for what they did.
Jesus already did this, yet I keep my deep, disgusting deeds to myself saying, "Well Jesus, I don't really think you want this... It's pretty crappy... plus, I just don't think I should give it to you because you don't deserve it. You never did anything wrong."
-- That's my 6th grade version of denying grace.
I think it's great to tell people that love is all that matters, but we often think of what it means to love and get very confused. If we just accepted and gave grace, we would then understand how love is supposed to be.
That is hard. We live in a society where everyone owes someone something. Jubilee is a foreign concept. We see grace as something that would set us free if someone gave it to us, but then when we think about giving it out it is seen as weak, dumb, and giving up. It would mean no longer being the judge of what others deserve. That looks not American, unjust, unfair.
Everyone walk in line.
Don't step out of place.
Don't follow the directions your heart placed in your shirt pocket.
Walk straight and orderly,
While curiosity sits in crinkled paper close to your chest.
Don't let the unthinkable happen--
Your fingers fiddle around to finally unfold the filler in the fabric.
Oh, my.
Close your eyes, open your arms, and try to fly to God.
No matter how many times your wings may melt.
Shalom.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 Things for Those Who Haven't Seen Mine Yet.
This is a pretty fun thing going around Facebook. You list 25 random things about yourself and then whoever is tagged in your note is supposed to do it as well. It's very interesting to read others' and to do it as well.
1. I did this because I would rather not be applying for a new job at the moment.
2. I get easily jealous of friends and strangers because I wish I was as cool as them.
3. I hate money so bad, but I want so much more of it.
4. The first movie I have ever cried during was Alladin.
5. In highschool, I thought I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend, but then I found out I wasn't a few days later.
6. I used to get picked on a lot at school and in my neighborhood, which helped me use one of my greatest strengths: crying, so that my dad would scare them away.
7. 2 years ago I thought I killed an ant and started crying, then it started moving again.
8. I've always wanted to change the world and have nobody know I did it. Still working on ideas.
9. I've written songs on guitar and piano, but I would never sing in front of 2 people.
10. I think I'm a pretty good speaker, but I get so anxious and worried before I have to speak that I debate hurting myself severely (like hitting another car head on at 45 miles an hour) so I don't have to go without lying about why I didn't go.
11. I once had a dream of a car crash happening before the exact same crash I dreamed about actually happened.
12. I've never smoked pot and am kind of jealous of people who have. I don't know why.
13. I think it's funny that most people tell me that I seemed cocky when they first met me, because I hate myself more often than not which is a problem I'm trying to work on.
14. I have cursed like a sailor most of my life from 2nd grade until I went to college, then started again after college.
15. I nagged my mom about smoking and even threw away tons of her cigarettes, but then started after I turned 21. I just recently quit.
16. I feel lonely most of the time.
17. I always have hope for others' lives and the world no matter how depressed I get.
18. I never had a drink of alcohol while attending AU.
19. In college I almost dropped out my freshman year and rode my bike across the country to love people and learn about Jesus. My family had a lot of pressure on me, so I changed my mind.
20. I regret going to college to learn about Jesus. Well, not going to college, but paying 80,000 dollars I didn't have in the first place.
21. I pick my nose and often wipe in on the inside of the thighs on my pants.
22. If I knew I was going to die soon, I would go to Tibet to live.
23. I used to hate white people. I used to also never call myself white.
24. I miss a lot of my friends. I never really realized how bad I was at showing them I wanted to keep them in my life.
25. When I was an RA, I once punched myself in the face repeatedly so that I would be listened to.
Shalom.
1. I did this because I would rather not be applying for a new job at the moment.
2. I get easily jealous of friends and strangers because I wish I was as cool as them.
3. I hate money so bad, but I want so much more of it.
4. The first movie I have ever cried during was Alladin.
5. In highschool, I thought I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend, but then I found out I wasn't a few days later.
6. I used to get picked on a lot at school and in my neighborhood, which helped me use one of my greatest strengths: crying, so that my dad would scare them away.
7. 2 years ago I thought I killed an ant and started crying, then it started moving again.
8. I've always wanted to change the world and have nobody know I did it. Still working on ideas.
9. I've written songs on guitar and piano, but I would never sing in front of 2 people.
10. I think I'm a pretty good speaker, but I get so anxious and worried before I have to speak that I debate hurting myself severely (like hitting another car head on at 45 miles an hour) so I don't have to go without lying about why I didn't go.
11. I once had a dream of a car crash happening before the exact same crash I dreamed about actually happened.
12. I've never smoked pot and am kind of jealous of people who have. I don't know why.
13. I think it's funny that most people tell me that I seemed cocky when they first met me, because I hate myself more often than not which is a problem I'm trying to work on.
14. I have cursed like a sailor most of my life from 2nd grade until I went to college, then started again after college.
15. I nagged my mom about smoking and even threw away tons of her cigarettes, but then started after I turned 21. I just recently quit.
16. I feel lonely most of the time.
17. I always have hope for others' lives and the world no matter how depressed I get.
18. I never had a drink of alcohol while attending AU.
19. In college I almost dropped out my freshman year and rode my bike across the country to love people and learn about Jesus. My family had a lot of pressure on me, so I changed my mind.
20. I regret going to college to learn about Jesus. Well, not going to college, but paying 80,000 dollars I didn't have in the first place.
21. I pick my nose and often wipe in on the inside of the thighs on my pants.
22. If I knew I was going to die soon, I would go to Tibet to live.
23. I used to hate white people. I used to also never call myself white.
24. I miss a lot of my friends. I never really realized how bad I was at showing them I wanted to keep them in my life.
25. When I was an RA, I once punched myself in the face repeatedly so that I would be listened to.
Shalom.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Free
I just wrote for 30 minutes and then held down 'delete'. It was a waste of words.
It essentially said, "I have all of these things to do take care of in my life and I am not."
I don't want to shut off. I don't want to throw a pity party. I just want to change.
It seems that "trying" to change has only changed things in they same way that Novocaine changes a decayed tooth.
Are we truly free? If so, why doesn't it feel like it? Where is the imaginary line place in our minds to say that something is or isn't possible-- that we are stuck?
"It is those that think they are truly free who are the ones enslaved."*
It is us who are truly free, but we have our excuses not to try to find out.
"It is only when we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."**
It is human to deny freedom for the sake of what we love.
Shalom.
*Paraphrased from Zeitgeist II
** From Fight Club
It essentially said, "I have all of these things to do take care of in my life and I am not."
I don't want to shut off. I don't want to throw a pity party. I just want to change.
It seems that "trying" to change has only changed things in they same way that Novocaine changes a decayed tooth.
Are we truly free? If so, why doesn't it feel like it? Where is the imaginary line place in our minds to say that something is or isn't possible-- that we are stuck?
"It is those that think they are truly free who are the ones enslaved."*
It is us who are truly free, but we have our excuses not to try to find out.
"It is only when we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."**
It is human to deny freedom for the sake of what we love.
Shalom.
*Paraphrased from Zeitgeist II
** From Fight Club
Monday, January 26, 2009
Right Foot, Left Foot, Now the Horns.
Left eye won't stop twitching, flinching, clinching, hesitating to blink.
Mind does the same, while often stopping, waiting, dropping by to think.
Stomach cramping, raging, and rampant of daily mo'knot'ony.
Hands scurrying like cowards, struggling, and wrestling with 'real life' or a close proxy.
As if I'm watching a marching band, that I've orchestrated,
topple over each other in a crowded street,
my helplessness consumes me.
shalom.
Mind does the same, while often stopping, waiting, dropping by to think.
Stomach cramping, raging, and rampant of daily mo'knot'ony.
Hands scurrying like cowards, struggling, and wrestling with 'real life' or a close proxy.
As if I'm watching a marching band, that I've orchestrated,
topple over each other in a crowded street,
my helplessness consumes me.
shalom.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I Am A Level 4 Epiphanger.
I think in the 20's of our lives we all start realizing things, whether they may be true, partially true, or utterly false. So, I'm just going to label us Epiphanagers [i-pif-uh-ney-jer].
Yes, I just invented a new word. Or just combined epiphany with -ager...
I want to mix it up a little more and distinguish between Epiphanangers. For example, a 20-year-old is a level 0 Epiphanger, a 21-year-old is a level 1, etc.
I don't know if this may change the world, but at least it will make growing up not seem as crappy and mundane.
---
The microwave is very convenient, but honestly, it makes my food tasted like it got created by Green Lantern, who are one of many comic book characters that had a ring that could, basically, do anything they wanted if they had enough willpower to make it do as they wished. One of these powers, if you haven't guessed it yet, is to make objects out of green "solid-light" energy. I'm just saying that if Green Lantern made me a sandwich, it would probably would be like biting into solid, diet, seltzer water without the carbonation and make my tongue taste like radiation for weeks.
Last time I checked there were only 3 things (popcorn, potatoes, and hot dogs) you can cook in a microwave without them tasting like a crappy version of the food you actually wanted. And, those three things can be cooked many other places instead of a microwave while tasting just as good, if not better.
So, let's just label this box with buttons with more appropriate name:
The Marshmallow Exploder.
---
Shalom.
Yes, I just invented a new word. Or just combined epiphany with -ager...
I want to mix it up a little more and distinguish between Epiphanangers. For example, a 20-year-old is a level 0 Epiphanger, a 21-year-old is a level 1, etc.
I don't know if this may change the world, but at least it will make growing up not seem as crappy and mundane.
---
The microwave is very convenient, but honestly, it makes my food tasted like it got created by Green Lantern, who are one of many comic book characters that had a ring that could, basically, do anything they wanted if they had enough willpower to make it do as they wished. One of these powers, if you haven't guessed it yet, is to make objects out of green "solid-light" energy. I'm just saying that if Green Lantern made me a sandwich, it would probably would be like biting into solid, diet, seltzer water without the carbonation and make my tongue taste like radiation for weeks.
Last time I checked there were only 3 things (popcorn, potatoes, and hot dogs) you can cook in a microwave without them tasting like a crappy version of the food you actually wanted. And, those three things can be cooked many other places instead of a microwave while tasting just as good, if not better.
So, let's just label this box with buttons with more appropriate name:
The Marshmallow Exploder.
---
Shalom.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Finding Peace.
Now watching: Zeitgeist II
It is thought of to simply live in this world, then one is surviving. One is living.
I think we've come to the point where we are all asleep and we don't know it.
This world is not real, although, it may seem.
This planet does exist. These people do exist.
But, this planet has become an idea. These people have become numbers.
We have been sucked into thinking that if we make so much money, we will be free.
We are slaves who are clueless to what reality is.
It is times like these when I realize how real, practical, and relevant Jesus actually is.
It is also times like these when I realize that humanity may not even seize the chance to live real lives on individual levels until it is too late.
That includes myself, my friends, and people I may never meet.
I can't help but to think of a black-and-white video of an atomic bomb exploding.
But, I also feel that when everything is destroyed is also when flowers seem the most beautiful.
shalom.
Shalom.
SHALOM.
It is thought of to simply live in this world, then one is surviving. One is living.
I think we've come to the point where we are all asleep and we don't know it.
This world is not real, although, it may seem.
This planet does exist. These people do exist.
But, this planet has become an idea. These people have become numbers.
We have been sucked into thinking that if we make so much money, we will be free.
We are slaves who are clueless to what reality is.
It is times like these when I realize how real, practical, and relevant Jesus actually is.
It is also times like these when I realize that humanity may not even seize the chance to live real lives on individual levels until it is too late.
That includes myself, my friends, and people I may never meet.
I can't help but to think of a black-and-white video of an atomic bomb exploding.
But, I also feel that when everything is destroyed is also when flowers seem the most beautiful.
shalom.
Shalom.
SHALOM.
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