lips, hips, and wishes

i wish i could fix everything. i wish that my actions would align with my words when i say, 'i love you,' to someone. i wish i could make the hurt go away from the people i love. i wish that i could just snap my fingers and they would understand that i love them, and that Christ loves them more than anyone ever could. i wish i could show that people hurt everywhere around the world and that they are not alone. i wish i could say something to someone and they wouldn't ignore me just because i am me. i wish i could send a messenger to tell them something that would make them see as they were supposed to. i wish my love didn't depend on someone's lack of love for me. i wish i could understand everyone's love and hurt. i wish i just instinctively knew what to do for everyone. i wish the hate i show others would be aimed at myself and the same for others, so that we all could see how to "love others as ourselves."

"keep wishing and see how full your hands get."

wishing doesn't do anything, so maybe i'll pray.

i'm sorry i couldn't help you when i was supposed to.


shalom.

a cautious crawl and a hopeful hindsight

Once we finished working, Heath and I headed home. Smile on his face and stone on mine. He cautiously crawls the gasoline powered box down the snow-packed driveway and turned right as we joked to each other, smiling for a few and laughing for all. He sped the white and rust colored box over the train tracks and up the hill.
Left onto a snake of a snow road creeping the weed of a forest. He attempts to fish tail around a curve and sticks the car off the road. I step out and push the car back on it's designated track. I look down.
"Is the car leaking mountain dew?"
We laugh again.
A right after the small foot bridge, then all that is heard is the loud buzz of the car's engine.
"Do you ever feel like you're not yourself?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know how to describe it... Like you totally don't know what's going on? Like you're not there. Literally. Like you're looking through a glass... It scares me... to the point of almost crying..."
"Sometimes..."
"I feel like that so much..."

C.S. Lewis wrote that Heaven is more real than the life we live right now. I understand. Not fully, but I understand...
When I look through my eyes and feel as if I'm not at my life.
When I get a thought like, "who am i?"
When I listen to someone shoot the breeze and think, "Where is the goal of this?"

One day we will not be limited by these "senses" that are supposedly our only measurements given to measure reality.
And we may understand what and why we do what we do. Or we may undestand something totally different.
Shalom.

Ha Ha

Now Listening to: Shawn Mcdonald playing distantly above me and Double Dare 2000 playing in the living room behind me.

I just read one of my first additions to this site from back in November. It was something written in an art class to define this charcoal picture I made of myself and describing why I did it in such a way. It's funny to read it now. It's funny to see how I think I am still that person, but deep down, I know I have been changed.
It is impossible not to change.
It's funny to see how I have not changed for the better. I guess it is more sad than funny.
Don't not be led astray; I am not losing my faith.
The fact is, did I ever really have "faith". In this American mind set, we have been raised to think that faith is a mind set. That is wrong. Faith is how we live. Faith is acting, for our actions show what we actually believe. Covering me in this mediocre Christianity that is thrown upon me like an oversized throw rug, weighing me down to the ground. Paralyzed.
Haha. Satan is definitely working in a different way then he used to. The mind is a powerful thing. Lies fed to me like, "Think about every small detail of how you are supposed to be perfect. Do not act first and find out by simply following what you have been taught".
Spiritual warfare is something I thought I believed in, but now I understand it is very true and very unnoticeable (for that is what the evil wants- for us not to know).
That's funny. That our minds can be used against us.
It is a little more sad than funny...

s h a l om.

"Things must change in order to stay the same"

I once heard someone-- I forget who-- say, "Things must change in order to stay the same."
Craziness. People change so much. One day you know a person better than anyone else knows them; the next day they do something that just makes you say, "Who is that person?!?"
How is it that I can be one person one moment and another person the next moment, yet remain "Ryan Wayne DeWalt"?
What makes me me? Am I the things I own? Am I the actions I take? Am I the thoughts I think? Am I a follower of Christ and that's all that matters? Is the only reality embedded within my name?

I can barely remain the "self" that I am, so how do I expect others to be the same person the next time I see them? Does this mean that whenever I get together with one of my friends that I am, essentially, learning who they are all over again?
I feel like this could be a killer for romance because you will never actually know the person, but, then again, I think it could enforce love (no matter what relationship) even more.
If I think about my best relationship, which is from God, then maybe that will help me more with thinking about it.
Drawing a blank...
Is the answer definition? I don't think so...
Drawing a blank...
shalom...

Now Listening To:

After completing all my last-second papers and tests, after telling my friends goodbye, after an 8 and 1/2 hour drive in the trecherous snow, I am here. I am home.
This snow is everywhere and there is so much of it. Holy goodness.
I am graduated. I am no longer a college kid. I am a "grown up". Where do I go from here?
"I live on the road, a modern day hobo..."

Well, I didn't really have anything planned. If you know me, you know I'm pretty slow when it comes to those things. God can still work through my spontinaity. I just got offered a job in San Fransisco to work with Center for Student Missions. Booyah. Things just work out.
"With every summer, there's fall..."

I don't have any of the "things" I feel like I'm supposed to have together. I thought by this time in my life I was supposed to be resposible, wise, living, among other things. I feel at ease. Why is that? Why do people feel extremely relieved when they graduate? Is it because they accomplished something? Probably. For me, I just feel better because I think I'm doing what I was supposed to-- Not waste thousands of dollars and sit around on my butt. Will I really live that differently than before?
We'll find out.
"I gotta go now, gotta go now, gotta go..."
I don't know what else to say. "Deep mode" has died.
Shalom.

Vanilla Sky

I have thought about it and have decided that, for some odd reason, I want to live a dream life. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, but just live fairy tales and adventure, that could never happen in normal life, in my life. I would breathe under water one day. I would re-enter space with two other fellows, and no space ship, the next day. Life would be amazing.

"Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own... What is any life without the pursuit of a dream?"

There's a problem with this though.

Sure there is...

I am not living a real life. I am merely making a world that revolves around me. I am only an illusion and so is that world of dreams.
"My dreams are a cruel joke, they taunt me. Even in my dreams, I'm a idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep and I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream."

If I know it is fake, then why do I want it so bad? Why do I want to live a movie out in my life? Why do I want to most odd fairytales to happen? Why do I want to be faked out?
Why am I not satisfied with this life?

Have I only chosen a life that wasn't actually living? Have I chosen life? No. I have chosen the opposite. I have chosen a fake life, which is more like death... more like apathy. The opposite of life and love. What did I choose? A real life or a dead life that I wanted to be real?
"Somebody died. It was me."

Throughout life there are choices. Throughout ALL of life, there are choices to make. There are even choices to make the second before we die.
"With every passing minute, there is a chance to turn it all around."


"How do I wake up?"

"The decision is yours."

And in one last dream effort, I dream that I am falling towards the earth at alarming rates. I pierce the atmosphere and the wind rushes past my ears in a deafening way. I decide to hit water, because I will have a better chance of living. I fly by cities and lands that I have never been to before- Lands that are merely dreams to me now. As I accelerate past one last ridge, I see the body of water. Blink.
"Open your eyes."

The rushing sound of wind is gone and everything is black. I am back in my room.
Time to really live.
Shalom.

p.s. all quotes are from the movie, Vanilla Sky, which is one of my favorites.

Find me, find me, find me...

Now listening to: "Planes and Trains" by Mars Ill


I had a dream, or more like I wanted to have a dream, where I met me. I met me when I knew who I was or what I was doing. I met the me who was just a child, who did nothing but play, laugh, and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I was looking into a mirror, but I was also looking into a prayer. I asked me a lot of questions. These questions would have made it a lot easier, but of course he did not know the answers. Answers where not The Answer, he simply stated. He asked where I had been for so long. He asked I a lot more questions, and of course I did not have answers either. I told him my answers would make him wish he didn't have answers. The more I spent with this little, ignorant me, the more I understood of who I was supposed to be. "Faith like a child," runs between my legs, laughs, hits me, says, "You're it," and hides behind a faded couch. This time was not "productive", yet I got the most done this day more than any other. This time was not "purposeful", yet I found out my purpose. This time was not divine, yet totally woven by God. This time was ugly, yet was beautiful in the same blink that captured it.

I rollover and pull the blankets over my chest to hide from the bone breaking lack of heat throughout my room. No dream tonight. Get up and keep wandering aimlessly into this abyss of a thing people tell me is called, "life".
shalom.

life by the wind.

soo.... This is my last week of class as a college student. Frickin' weird.
I cannot believe it went so incredibly fast. I can tell I'm gettin' old because I always live in the past. Past experiences like breezes.
Coming to AU from 7 hrs. away and having no idea what to expect. Getting dropped off and finding how to do things on my own. Realizing I can never do this whole class thing because I'm a lazy bum. Getting sick. Understanding that the most I will ever change will be these 3 and 1/2 years. Making the best friends of my life. Having the hardest time of my life. Finding out there's a point of just knowing something, and a point of actually getting it. People helping me.

The wind blows and then it is all just parts of memories.
The wind blows again. Where to this time? I do not know, but I let it lead me there.
I don't know whether to be sad that all this is gone. I don't know whether to be excited about what is to come. I am here right now. What will I do with my life? It's definitely too early to decide that. I don't even know that much about life right now to figure out what I shall do with it. If I want to answer that question, I must live. Isn't that funny? We can't figure it out until we attempt to do it?

I really wish I had it all together sometimes, but, then again, I wish with my real self that I would just jump into the wind and let a true life lead me by the wings.

From this nest I jump and let the wind empower me to a true life- one of living. 1,2,3...
The sound of air wizzes past my ear lobes. "Where am I going?" I panic in thought. Then with out me even seeing it-- right before I smash into the earth like a speeding meteor-- the movement of air expands my wings. I get a glimpse. A glimpse of life. And I'm gone.
shalom.