song

I know it is a difficult day when I do not realize I lack proper deodorant application ten minutes before I go to bed. Craziness y'all.

I wonder if my blog is fancy enough. I look at others' and theirs have videos and pictures and what-not. I just have words. I mean, I don't have words and nothing esle, but it seems that way for the people that read this. Nevermind.

I woke up at seven in the morning to obscinities being screamed and a little girl threatening to kill herself. I don't like that. I acted like I was asleep, then actually fell back asleep an hour later. When I woke up, the only thing I could think to do was write a song.

Christmas Time (what matters most)

It's that time of year,

so draw your family near,

even when we may scream and fight,

or say things we may not mean,

we must realize,

that there is one thing,

that matters most.

The snow shall fall,

and cover the ground,

and we may have regrets

fall from our mouths.

But we must not forget,

that there is something,

that matters most.

Open all the presents,

that lie under the tree.

Eat lots of Christmas ham,

and decorate cookies.

These things shall come and go,

but we must always know,

what matters most,

is, family,

family,

is what matters most.

shalom.

A friend asked me to write positive things about myself.

If you could see

my face right now,

then you could understand.

My eyes have blinded themselves from the mirror.

My ears have deafened themselves from compliments.

My mouth has muted itself from encouragement.

My body has grown old.

My mind has gone mad.

My spirit is hidden amongst the dirt and ash.

shalom.

american haikus

There
We don't ever know,
where we're gonna go.
Then we're there-- right where we went.

Late
I take a long time...
So apprehensive.
When my chance comes, it's too late.

Jeans pt. 1

Watched a show today.

Said jeans make you fat.

Then I should throw mine away.

Legos
My brother likes legos.
I sure like them too.
But he's too noisy with them.

PA
Pennsylvania,
not Indiana,
has mountains and lots of snow.

IN
Indiana, though,
has all of my friends.
Pennsylvania does not.

Jeans pt. 2
So apparently,
jeans don't make you fat.
I wish I had my jeans back.

Hear
I want to hear God,
but I can't hear Him.
I need to shut the hell up.

Jeans pt. 3
So, who's idea was that,
using the same word?
I have shorts, but it's snowing.

Milk Chocolate
I like chocolate.
I like milk as well,
but I hate granola bars.

Yell
Sister and mom yell.
I used to yell back.
Now I give up and go smoke.

What you own
Do you control it?
No, it controls you.
Throw it all in the river.

Fauhawk pt. 1
I got a cellphone.
I got a I-Pod.
I got a fauhawk. I'm awesome.

Fauhawk pt. 2
Silly fauhawk kid.
Look at my dreadlocks.
They're long, brown, and beautiful.

shalom.

Thanksgiving Day.
I am thankful for snow, for friends that keep in touch, for awkward family, for dramatic family, for brother, brother, and sister, sister, for Christmas trees, for freezing smoke breaks, for my four-legged feline, June, for hot showers and electric blankets, for coffee by the pot, for turkey, turkey, and (you guessed it) more turkey, for long drives with no radio, for all the times I remember life is worth living, for all the hugs and kisses, for the things I learn from my mistakes, and for the silence that is driving my mind mad.


For how thankful I am, I'm still hate who I am. This is not a cry for help, although it may sound like it and it's not me passively asking, "why?" It's just me being honest. Sorry if you don't like it. It's not like I enjoy it. I will get over it. It's just a phase, right? I hope so, because I am ready for another kind of phase, like a sumo-training phase, a monastery-life phase, a hitch-hiking phase, and/or a "make money doing what I love and pay off my $60,000+ debt" phase.

shalom.

p.s. or a "have all my friends from Indiana move to Pennsylvania" phase. I would really like to have that phase in my life right now.

MISTAKES
They leave you.
You leave them.
They come back to haunt you.
They crush hearts and friends.
They go away when you're drunk,
then come back again.
Their past defiles and defines who you are now,
because the you now is the you you've been.

They tear holes so large,

too large to ever mend.

They leave you.

You leave them.

They come back to crush you,

and show that how good you seem is only pretend.

shalom.

my friend said i should write something.
i think my friend just wants me to feel good.


i do.


shalom.

word game: i vs. me

indiana was great. i got depressed or realized i was already. i laughed. i cried. my house was a mess. i got to see so many people and feel a lot of love from them. didn't get to say goodbye to a lot of those people. that really sucks. i was very perturbed by the circumstances, but no worries. i'm not leaving forever, so goodbye is not necessary.

now i'm in pennsylvania. the doctors' appointments are rolling on by. i wished my father a happy birthday, but he was asleep. i watch my cat trying to rid shimself of ear mites or fleas, whichever it has. i eat sometimes. i take medicines. i sweep. i look around. i wait. i go to bed telling myself all the crazy-cool things i'll do the next day. i wake up with an epiphany of how uncrazy-cool those ideas actually were. i look around some more.

that's my life. don't get too excited, i know. the only time i feel alive is when i hear from friends over the telephone signals. other than that, i attempt to make my life interesting by fretting over stupid things, like how i eat too much, how i don't exercise enough, how i don't have a job, how i have no friends here, how i'm a jerk a lot of times to my family, how my life will only be lived two months at a time because of the hospital attention i will need for the rest of my life... you know, things like that.

where is God in all of this? i know i can find Him somewhere, but, "looking for Him," just seems to say that God isn't right here, right now. i know He is. and, if He is right here, right now, then what do i do? do i merely accept that or do i take action? deep down, i want to change the world. a lot of my friends are in that after-college stage where, "i can't change the world, and i'm okay with that," is acceptable. that drives me bonkers, but then again, if i believe otherwise, shouldn't i be changing the world?

word games inside my head.
that's what i think all of this is.
i've just got to the point of boredom where anything is better than nothing. even word games inside my head, or writing the word games on a website where i can pretend millions of people want to hear me ramble on about my shallow, naive thoughts of what everything means. haha. and it's funny, because as i sit here contemplating what everything means, i know i can never figure it out by doing nothing.

do you want to hear more? no? well, that's okay i suppose. i'll guess i'll go play with my hair or lay down or something.

shalom.


p.s. thanks.