"It's funny how people only say that after they do something bad.
I mean, you never hear someone say, "I'm only human" after they rescue a kid from a burning building."

-United States of Leland

Happy = Good?

Now Listening to: Lupe Fiasco

I can't accept what I type when I'm am happy.
Is that an obvious coincidence?
I feel blind.
Being happy merely makes me frustrated.
All of what I want is obscure and blurry.
All of what I want to express is exempt.
Creativity is creatively kept from creating.
Is happiness blind?
Is happiness ignorant?
Is happiness fake?
I hope not, but I don't feel like a real person when I am happy.

I don't have the experience to say so, though.

Shalom.

I am having a very good day.


That is all.


Shalom.

shalom.

Fake it, Con'td.

I may have come to a point where my own hypocrisy plays into this.
Because I do struggle with not doing things that are to better myself.
What happened is I met with an accountability group every week, or every other, or whatever.
The point is I've decided not to go.
I don't feel like it, but that's not the reason I chose not to go. That was just coincidence. But, again, I say that was not the reason.
Here are my reasons:

I felt like that I already knew all the guys in this group. I wasn't learning anything more about them from the group, but I was learning things about these guys before. So, it's like what's the point?

I felt like there's just too many people. We basically have hour to talk about what's going on. That is hard to do with six people.

I felt like it was said, "this is a commitment." But, honestly, it never seemed like one. If one person didn't show up, we wouldn't meet. If two people had a leadership meeting, we wouldn't meet. If nobody was going except for me and my roommate, we wouldn't find out until a half of an hour before we had to meet. There was not commitment. If someone couldn't make it on the one day a week we wouldn't try to figure something out so we could meet. We just would skip it. Inconveniently, every time this would be canceled, I would really need it.

I hate the fact that "we", as a generation, society, whatever, need to set aside a time to be open and honest with other rather than doing all the time. Maybe that is just me, but I feel that I try to be honest with people all the time and try to listen to people being honest all the time. Maybe I'm a freak, but I feel honesty and vulnerability are quiet necessary in all aspects of life. Having a group to do so, just isn't necessary for me.

Lastly, I just had to ask myself: Is this bringing me closer to Jesus? Is this helping me become a more holy or better man?
And, the answer was "no".
Not because of the people in it.
Not because I was a little frustrated with one of them.
Just because this group thing isn't for me.
I don't need this group to know the things I know about these guys, or to keep learning what's in their hearts, or to have them ask me what's going on with my life, or to tell me the latest thing they've learned, or to tell me what they think Jesus meant, or just to sit.
But, I do need friends.

Sorry that was so long.
I keep finding myself having to explain it to friends.

Shalom.

Fake it.

Now listening to: Josh Garrels

I find myself getting angry with everyone, lately.
I know that only means there is something with myself that I am angry with.
That could be, oh, so many things.
I do understand that I am angry with myself.
I can probably list the reasons and how I have convinced myself thousands of times to not stop doing so.
There comes a point where I try to find the balance.
I am a sinner. I dream of Jesus.
I should be upset with defiled sacrifice. I should be glad that he merely wants a sacrifice.
But with my anger, I have not had love or joy in my heart,
which means my balance is too lop-sided.
I cannot prove myself wrong. My logic is set.
I must believe that body and spirit are one;
That if I attempt force my body to find Jesus, even if my heart may want it,
and that my spirit will get something out of it also, even if I may not notice it.
We always thought, "fake it to make it," was such a bad phrase.
Everyone, who attempts to be a better person than they are now, is faking it.
That is not wrong.
It is only wrong to believe that you are a better person than anyone else.
Shalom.

I haven't had a constant thought in my head for weeks.
shalom.