Friday, September 24, 2010

Has Fall Begun? I would much very so think so.

This breezy cool and cloudy sky reminds me of being riding a bike to get everywhere; of the inconvenience of not having material things.
This is the first fall where I haven't been living in some sort of shambled state.
(i.e. no heat, no electricity, no furniture, no car, no phone, no money; usually more than 2 at once)
When J.R. and I lived on Arrow Ave, it was an adventure within four walls of a dank, dark, and dirty house located in the middle of the hood, a.k.a. the west side, of Anderson.
Staying up late covered with blankets.
Hands tightly wrapped gloves around beer cans.
Books read by the flickering light of a candle, which we found out was a lot more difficult than movies of older times portrayed.
Depression was accepted.
Dreams were discussed.
Honesty was never blemished.

We were consumed by this beast within a couple months.
Things went spiraling out of control.
We lost what we were looking for.
We lost our minds.
We fought.
I wouldn't trade that time in that house for anything, though.
We healed, bandaged the boo-boo's, and wrapped worthy wounds under used gauze.
That's a metaphor,
but, it really happened.

1910 Arrow Ave was a time more than a place, where I learned the importance of honesty and enduring friendship.

Don't know what that story says.
I've found out stories are more powerful than lessons of my opinion.

s
ha
lom.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Do.

Priorities.
Can't figure out if I want to crochet, volunteer my time to helping people, choose an insurance coverage, build a motorcycle, enroll in grad school, or jog.
I lose myself with priority.
I freak out and choose only one.
It's as if I have no option of doing all of the above.
I know I could, but when I try to decide which one to do first, I still freak.
Technically, I can only do one activity at one moment.
Which one goes first?
Thus, something happens.
I become a coward.
That is absurd.

I regret life and become bitter.

God doesn't have to punish us.
We do a good enough job on our own.

Don't worry.
Don't don't
Do.
Keep pushing through.
My wife has taught me that.
When in doubt. When depressed. When bitter. When apathetic. When self-martyred.
Do.
The soul and body are one.
What the body does, the soul does something as well.

shalom.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

When the "world" around me proves the stupidity of religion and the intelligence of science,
I can not help but think of the ignorance of a child who has begun to learn.
Learning information gives us the inclination to include that information in our beliefs.
"Because I said so," gets to our bones and boils our blood.
Why did you say so?
What logic do you have to say so?
I think that just saying so is not so.
I know that I could prove saying so is wrong in all senses.
I know that I could prove that if I let my thinking fill my mind and lasso itself. I could come up with some answer to all of these "things".

Now I know why children should be seen and not heard.
As should we.
Silence. Mystery. Confusion. Clarity. Harmony. Shalom.

These things exist for the parts of us that can't be thought through.

Shalom.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Not until the world is crumbling around us do we start listening for God.

My world has not been crumbling.
It has been building up.
Becoming comfortable.
Becoming tedious.
Becoming busy.
Becoming surreal.

My heart. My mind. My spirit.
Have not been building up at all.
I have less emotions, thoughts, prayers than I did the day before.

It's not until someone else's world begins to chip away that I realize I am lost.
I come up with no answers, no actions, no hope, no shalom.

I can only become what I make myself become.
I can curse myself and blame it on God.
I can find a good job and pay off debt.
I can worry about when I'm going to change the oil in my car.
I can wonder if it's possible to follow Jesus when I remain dependent on a bi-monthly infusion.
I can watch more inspirational movies.
I can ride my bike more.
I can go to restaurants to taste something I've never had.
I can sit around and drink beer with my friends.
I can write a blog and hope it's changing something in my thoughts.

I can be shalom, without being without.
I can.

shalom.