Hide and Go Seek

This past week has really been a trip for me. There came a moment where I finally realized what I am lacking in relational communication. It's quite difficult to change something about one's self so drastically.
Everything comes with time.
Our hope.

Our dream.

Our love.

Our purpose.

Our life.

I used to tell spoiled youth group kids, "Imagine where Jesus is, then go there. Imagine what Jesus is doing, then do that."

I will admit,

I haven't seen Jesus in my life at all, lately,

but,

I just know he is there.

Waiting.

For what?

Now, that is the question, isn't it?

We all have things that Jesus is waiting for us to loose.

fear.others' judgements.preconceived notion that no one listens.schedule.bitterness towards the other person.possessions that possess yourself.need to be right.bottle.reasons to not do. the mistakes.oh, the mistakes i make. dear God, forgive me.

We shall all be lost at one time or another.

No one can be found if they hide from everyone, especially themselves.

Like hide and go seek games that we try to lose.

The loser is the winner.

The one who is found is no longer lost.

Come out of your best hiding spots.

shalom.

I don't know where to place myself, in this pendulum. I think about the problems in my life, then I make a choice. I either blame others or I doubt myself entirely. Right now I am doubting myself. I don't want to be caught in a cycle, but, then again, I want to understand myself so that I'm not trapped in this lonely desperation that I often find myself in.

shalom.

Baby Tooth

Where is the line?
Of caring for others and of caring for yourself?
I feel selfish for saying this,
because I feel as if the "body of Christ" would let me die,
like I'm a baby tooth holding on for dear life;
only being pushed out so that I may be stored under a pillow.

I want to say it's not true,
but I can't.

It's just lonely,
when contradictions of love arise,
when it seems that I have nothing to offer worthy,
when I feel God trying to tell me different.

I used to be bitter about this and I think I deserved to be,
but bitterness only lasts so long until it turns into sadness.

I think about this a lot.
I want to stop being critical and start being practical.
I'm not just comlaining for the sake of complaining.

shalom.

It remains.

It remains:

I contradict what I believe many times.
I am far off from living the things I preach so highly about.


but, never the less...


shalom.

Answered Prayers of the Material Variety

I believe God does answer prayers.
I also believe that God waits for us to give answered blessings away;
That we were to never keep them.

I say this because,
The only way I can make any sense of this world is by one thing:
Love.

The only way I can understand love is by seeing it as one thing:
Giving away the blessing you have been given (or think you have earned).

Without question.
Without shame.
Without hesitation.
Without payback.

shalom.

Purgatory = Indiana

I have learned to play, "Everything in it's right place" by Radiohead, on the piano.
That is something to brag about.

What goes on with me? You surely know. You surely don't. I'm no more sure of that than you may be.

I am getting a little sick. I still don't have health coverage to live in Indiana.

I am in purgatory; A place I thought I didn't believe in.
More Catholic than I expected to find myself.

I still have hope.
Friends have offered to help.
I'm not going to start dying yet.
The fact of that, makes things a little less stressing.
I do not have enough free time to make that infamous list of, "things to do before I die",
so if death started nearing, this would be the first time I wouldn't be ready.

I wonder if certain people would ask me where my faith is in all of this.
I wonder what that phrase means anymore.
A goal of my life was to make faith something to do, to live, and to not praise yourself for having.
My faith is in Jesus Christ, still. It has not bended.
I still don't know what it fully means to believe in Jesus, (Either do you.)
,but I do strive to find out, still.
This is not really a "sufficient" answer for most, but then again I struggle with giving Christians "sufficient" answers.

Shalom.

Why do I keep on with blog, blog, blog?

Now listening to: William Fitzsimmons

Every couple of weeks, I'll go through and sort of lump-read all of the writings that my friends have posted on their blogs since I've read them last.
For some odd reason, I noticed something on my round-a-bouts this evening.
Not for the ones who decide to no longer write on these webbed journals,
but for the rest of us, who keep persisting, for whatever reason:
(Trust me. I don't mean to be rude with how blunt I shall be in this next sentence.)

It seems that we're all just filling the Internet for the sake of filling the Internet.
We're all just doing this cycle.
I don't whether it is good or bad.
Are we too consumed of our consumer-selves in a consumer society?
Am I too numb to the beautiful cycle of human being's thoughts and jots?

I can only answer for myself.

I use this as a tool to say, "I've been honest enough tonight."
I use this to reassure myself, "I am witty and intellectual with words."
I use this a as cry for help sometimes.
But I never actually cry to anyone.
And I never accept real help.
I use this because sometimes I just like to write and know someone will read what I've written.
I use this as a type of traditional prayer-- waiting for God to spark something with in my practicing fingers-- maybe a revolution.

And sometimes,

I don't know what I am trying to do.

Isn't that life?
We do things blindly, hoping to actually see God working in our feeble hands.
Think to ourselves: This will do something for someone. I suppose that is a reason.

Shalom.

Our Ears. Our Hearts.

I have called you children.
I have call you son.

What is there to answer,

if i'm the only one?...

I believe this world can change. I believe all the truth shall break free. Our ears shall finally know what it means to hear. Our hearts will finally know what it means to listen.

Morning comes in paradise,
Morning comes in light.
Still I must obey.
Still I must invite...

I believe this world will change. I believe one person will understand what it means to be free. Our ears shall finally hear this voice. Our hearts will finally undestand freedom, as well.

If there's anything to say,
If there's anything to do,
If there's any other way,
I'll do anything for you...

I believe we know the person who has the blessing of leading a world to better. I believe we dream about that person. Our ears hear their name ring through our ears. Our hearts skip a beat when the thought of them enters.

I was dressed embarassment.
I was dressed in white.
If you have a part of me,
wil you take your time?...

I believe a person walks this world waiting for a sign, whether knowing it or not. I believe no one will give them that sign. Our ears shall be listening to our own voices. Our hearts will be too comfortable.

Even if I come back,
Even if I die,
Is there some idea,
To replace my life?...

I believe that person will be ignored deemed as nothing more than ordinary and average. Our ears shall be put to the test. Our hearts will be too concerned with being correct.

Like a father to impress,
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess,
I'll do anything for you...

I believe that person will end up not talking as much, because the world will not listen. I believe it will be too late for most to change their minds about listening.

I have called you preacher.
I have called you son.
If you have a father,
Or if you haven't one...

Our ears shall start bleeding. Our hearts will stop.

I'll do anything for you...
I did everythign for you...

Shalom.

I come to a point where life is frustrating.
I have had time to write on this, but I do not do so.
I don't write because I don't want to be honest about how I feel.
Because when I'm honest and it's not some sort of holy perfection of an emotion, then someone feels that they need to, "call me out," and give me some sort of speech about how I need to see God in this. Which is funny how people do that, because seeing God isn't that easy, from my experience. Not only that, but it just seems like something someone says to keep others from thinking about the sad in this world, because they don't want to think about it either. Like seeing God is just going to make you not care about the sad. I don't think so. I think God very much cares about the sad in this world.
All that to say: I shall write this. Read this if you would like. That is all.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to let people know how scary, how hopeless, how depressing my life seems at the moment.
I'm afraid to tell people that they have no right to tell me otherwise.
Any person would be where I am at emotionally if they had these events happening to them.
"It's okay," was never anything I needed to hear. I know it's okay.
I do have hope.
Hope does not make life any easier.
Hope helps me realize that pain does not last forever.
Hope does not alleviate fear of what may happen right now.
Hope gives reason to say that life is aiming towards something.

The fact remains: I am wore down to a nub. I hear, "Don't give up." I try and try again to fight against my brain when things get too hard. It never helps. Problems seem to pile up on the highway on my back, until I cannot take the weight anymore. How can I not give up when mostly all of it points to giving up? There is only so much a human being can take. I pray to God that I am not given too much too handle.
This life will go on until then, so therefore I must walk where I can.

Shalom.