Sometimes,

it's not until we fall back asleep

when we realize what are dreams are,

But,

only sometimes.

Shalom.

We Can't Be Who We Used To

Now Listening to: Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie

"You may tire of me

as our December sun is setting

because I'm not who I used to be

No longer easy on the eyes

but these wrinkles masterfully disguise

The youthful boy below..."

I have so many reasons to be bitter.

I take 'em while I can get 'em.

Everyone knows that about me.

I will take the first chance to be bitter.

That's what I do.

I really don't want to be that way.

But, I deserve the right.

"... who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end..."

When my mind wanders,

I usually think about how C.S.Lewis said

that bad people say they are not so bad

and good people say that are no good at all.

"... But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize

When he catches his reflection on accident..."

It's relation to "what we deserve."

For example, "I've had a rough day.

I deserve a cigarette,"

or, "I'm not a morning person.

I deserve to be left alone."

We tell ourselves we received a poorly dealt hand, somehow.

Then, we let ourselves sell ourselves short.

We compromise,

because we convince ourselves that,

"it's only because..."

finishing the ellipsis with a tragic equation

that equals our lack of patience and will .

"...On the back of a motor bike

With your arms outstretched trying to take flight

Leaving everything behind..."

We dream. We ask, "What happened?"

We remember that something about us that we liked.

We remember relationships were a certain way.

We remember believing in something worth believing.

"..But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete

In the city where we still reside

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men..."

We have "deserved" so many things, yet they have ruined us. Left us. Erased us.

Things won't be the same. It's not going to happen. We can't go back.

That does suck.

BUT, there is always a way to yell, "clear," and rub the electronics together.

A quick jump-start for a ripped and mended heart.

Not quite the same, but just as alive as it used to be.

"...Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed..."

Shalom.

Oxymoron

My Wife and I are 80,000 in debt because we wanted to be smarter.
How smart is it to spend that much money, when you never had any of it in the first place?
"...but, everybody else was doing it..."
oops.

Go America.

I'm tired of spending. That's all we do. That's the basis of almost every hobby. Video games. Computers. Phones. Clothes. Music. Cars. Beer. College.

Our society is based on money. Without it everything falls apart. That is just honestly sad.

I've thought about the middle ground of this money issue for a very long time. I've tried to tell myself not to be extreme about it.
BUT,
money just screws it up for us.
We tell ourselves that we need money to survive.
(i.e. "If I had enough money to take care of ______, then I would be able to survive.")

If we do need money to survive, then how am I alive? I have 80,000 in student loans and like 150,000 in hospital bills. I am negative money, as are many of us. Are we dead? I think we're told that we should feel death approaching when money is not found. I think we're given the idea of money being hope, love, happiness, responsibility. If it had no meaning, how would anyone get rich? Ahh... without being rich someday, what's the point of life? What's the point of life, if I can't "live it up" someday?
If money helps life going on, then what am I?
I surely am not dying.
I act like I am sometimes.
I am just very sick.
I am not dying.
We all aren't dying.
We are just expecting to die.
Which is worse for the spirit.

My G-d, my G-d, why have we forsaken ourselves?

shalom. shalom. shalom.

we are all hypocrites,
we just fly different banners.


shalom.

I find myself drawn to write on here.
To speak about the mistakes of life.
To address the hurts of us.
To turn to something.
But, i find no logical answer other than, "I want to boost my self-esteem."
The internet is being raped by people with good intentions.
We can blame everybody and ourselves for helping.
Oh well,
I think the truth is, that real change is going to to happen when I get out of this seat and stop typing.
That' my cue.

Shalom.

Everyone keeps thinking that I'm just locking them out,
but actually I couldn't figure out how to shut down this blog.

I no longer wish to pursue this.

Farewell and good luck to you Internet-writers and readers who choose to continue to do so.

Shalom.

We Without Hope

I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.


But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.

My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.

But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"

We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.

That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.

I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.

shalom.

MUTEMATH - Spotlight


Good music.
Shalom.

Now listening to: Feist, Ra Ra Riot, Sufjan Stevens, Peter Bjorn and John, Explosions in the Sky, and things of such manner...

A beautiful girl and a shy sun convinced me to wake up.

Shalom.

Poverty, Hope, Peace, and Love

Now listening to: Nas, Lupe Fiasco, Common, The Roots, and Kidz in the Hall

I can finally walk around and sit up in a chair. I got to go to my first restaurant in months last night. It was so amazing.
I'm still leaking, though. The whole keeps getting bigger. The pin-prick on my taint is now turn into a gaping whole that a pen or pencil could fit into. I hope it doesn't keep getting bigger.
Other than that, money.
I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in August. I just hope I'm able to work soon and that we can make enough money to start living without always borrow cars and what-not from friends. Plus, rent and loans need paying for. I always face the huge fear that many people do not understand. If I get a job that does not supply supreme insurance, I will get sick and could possibly die again.
Poor people have to make the decision of either working and paying bills while being extremely sick, or getting medicaid while not being able to pay rent or bills.
Some middle-class citizens try to tell me that poor being are the ones screwing up this system and they, "just need to get jobs, stop procreating, and keep their kids from being criminals."
Well, I'm poor. The system doesn't supply, doesn't create, doesn't fix, doesn't help. IT IS SIMPLY THERE. A conundrum of begging on your knees like a dog and being told, "If you try to do your own thing, we will abandon you the second you try."
I don't know what the answer is.
I know there is an answer.
I just am too blind of a sinner to see it at the moment.

Giving up on any hope, peace, and love is lazy and a bigger sin than we think. It's a sin that lets people die. It's a sin that puts people into slavery at cents an hour. It's a sin that sends us to covet our best friends and neighbors. It's a sin that sends us into a judgmental abyss. It's a sin that lies to us into thinking we're not that bad.
I'm not saying to make sure you see hope, peace, and love no matter what happens.
I'm saying to make sure you don't give up on trying to see these things.


Shalom.

Yesterday was an better day than most, lately.

Things are seeming to get a little better.
I walked around the grocery store for half an hour (more like just leaned on the cart with as much as weight possible-- but I'll take what i can get).
I did dishes while standing up for about half an hour (and thought I was going to pass out afterwards).
I'm not bleeding as much and I don't have to take as many pain pills.
I just can't wait until I'm able to sit up without bleeding all over myself.
The doctor said he's not sure how long it will take to heal up.
I just want to be in a condition to have a job, honestly.
Loans, food, and trying to plan a wedding by the end of the summer seems impossible from my perspective at the moment.
I couldn't sleep last night.


Shalom.

OUCH!!!!!

The worst part about these fistulas, is if I'm not lucky, air forces its way through the fistula in my taint/chode area. This happend about 15 times in the past couple hours. I've been screaming out loud and crying. It hurts sofa king bad.
I was trying to fart, but my body wouldn't let me, then all of a sudden-- BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!... BAM!.....BAM!
It would stop for like 30 seconds.
Then, I'm too paranoid to sleep, so I get on my house-mate's laptop. About 5 minutes later-- BAM! BAM!... BAM!... BAM! BAM!
The pain. All I can do is just scream and it's six in the morning. My house-mates are still sleeping.
Now, I'm just waiting to go to my infusion at 1:30.
I swear I'll crap and pee my pants before I let that air-crotch thing happen again. You have no idea how bad it hurts. Unless you stabbed that area with a steak knife real slowly.

shalom.

Raging Dragon Fistula

So, in case you know me and you've heard I was sick and you're not really sure or don't understand what's going on with me, I will explain.
I have fistulas, a common part of Crohn's Disease. When one has Crohn's Disease or some other bowel related illness, the colon and/or intestines are very, very sick. They can be bruised, bleeding, ulcerated, inflamed, etc. Now, in my case, the walls of my colon became very ulcerated. Now what happened in my case (a bunch of times), if you can imagine, was something like this:
Pretend your staring at a wall that goes all the way around you. You are now in the colon.
Now, imagine you just threw a bucket of acid on the wall. It doesn't erode instantly, but after a while, a small dent forms, then the indentation gets deeper and a hole forms. It could be as small as the tip of a pen, or it could be bigger.
The first time I got really sick, the holes just stopped in mid flight and one stopped right near the skin and filled up with infectious puss. A lot. So combine the pain of the pressure of swelling and the pain of your tissue (of your butt) separating in big pockets randomly (right in the sensitive part of your butt!). The infectious puss (abscesses) close to the skin swelled up so much that they broke through the skin (on the inside of my butt cheek!) and the infection oozed out. So, now they were fistulas. A fistula is when an abscess makes it to the skin, forming a complete tunnel or hole from your intestine to the skin! So, if you can't imagine how bad this hurts, try to picture your most sensitive body parts having holes drilled through them. Just real slow...
The second time (this time) I got really sick, those fistulas (tunnels) re-opened, thus started to leak. My toilet paper expenses thus go up because I'm constantly trying to soak up the drainage. I go to the emergency room, they give me antibiotics, but for some reason the antibiotics don't work very much.
So then the process starts all over again... Except this time, the tunnel travels up into my perineum. Do you know what your perineum is? It's your taint, your chode, your fleshy fun bridge, the space between your privates and your pooper.
And do you know how bad it swells up?
Do this:
Stop typing, double-clicking, or whatever your doing (keep reading).
Look at your right hand.
Now clinch your right hand in to a fist.
Now place your fist between your legs, high up close to your groin.
That's what was going on with me, BUT UNDERNEATH THE SKIN!
After about 6 weeks of having that much swelling, it finally gets to the skin! So, now there is drainage constantly coming out between my legs like I'm a some sort of woman with the period from hell! And, it still feels like someone is kicking me in the privates. And, if I need to pass gas, but don't, the air forces its way into that hole in my colon wall and up through my perineum. I don't know if you've ever straddled a cactus, but that's the only thing I can imagine it feeling like. So, yes, I have to take a lot of pain medicine, and I still end up screaming randomly, and I have hold myself with my hands down my pants so I don't start crying, and I can only lay on my back, and if I sit up my butt will be covered in blood and puss, and I go through a toilet paper roll in two days by myself.

I'm supposed to get another infusion. That will help it, but, honestly, I don't think it will fix it. I bet you I have to get surgery sometime in the near future.
You know what that means?!?! I will have to have a colostomy bag!

Sorry if this is too much, but this is me. This is my disease. If you care about me, then you care to know.

Shalom.

Lying on My Back for Seven Weeks

I just want to be able to get up and do something without the painful bleeding.
I've been lying in bed for about seven weeks!
Every once and a while I would try to get up and do something, but every time it would just get worse. 1. Went bowling. Was screaming the next day; 2. Walk around the grocery store for 20 minutes. Started bleeding profusely from my groin; 3. Did the dishes. Started bleeding even more and was screaming in pain the next day; 4. Went to Leah's play. My pants were soaked through with blood.
This sucks.
I can't work. I can't walk. I can't go out. I can't sit. I can't ride a bike. I can't go to a restaurant. Well, I could do this things, but I would have pants with blood all over them and I would be screaming in pain.

On the plus side: I get to sleep whenever I want. I have a lot of time to read. I have a lot of time to watch t.v. I lost a healthy amount of weight. I get to see Leah a lot. Leah does everything for me. She is an angel. If it weren't for her, I would seriously be dead or close to it. She has waited on me hand and foot without even complaining, even if I try to hassle her she just brushes it off. I sure am blessed.

Well, that's all I really have to write about today.
Wait. For you other bloggers, I would appreciate it if you would write more, because I've been checking your blogs almost every day and am getting bored!
Come on! Write anything!

Shalom.

We are okay.

It still surprises me how shallow, fake, bitter, and blaming I can be.
I could make this about people in my life who struggle with these problems.
But, honestly, I'm glad I see it in them, because it reminds me that it's in my own fault.
I am imperfect... all of the time.
Given any moment, I shall ruin that moment.
That is okay.
We are all okay.
This is okay.

Peace and Hope are things that are accepted, that are chosen, that are practiced, that are searched, that are offered, that are denied, that are obliterated, that are killed.
The problem is that we often think that we have no choice to when it comes to peace and hope.
The problem is that we often think that peace and hope choose when they exist.
The problem is that we often think our actions don't affect peace and hope's existence.
We are the problem.
We are also the solution.
We merely have to accept peace and hope, no matter what the world may tell us to accept.

shalom.

i'm in excruciating pain. i can barely walk.
please pray for me.

shalom.

Falling Asleep

I started dozing off and mumbled something.
It was inaudible and was not words.
I don't know why I uttered these noises.

I started dozing off again and said,
"Things will change.
Life will be.
The end is near."

I do not know if it means anything.
Why did I say it?


Shalom.

A Fall of Mind.

I am realizing that I do not belong here.
I am realizing that I hide Jesus from myself...
by denying there is anyway a kingdom of heaven could exist in a world, in a country, in a government so destroyed and meaningless.
Now I know, that to say, "It just has to be this way," is absolutely the antithesis of what Jesus intended for anyone who believed him.
I cannot give up trying to find Jesus Christ in the kingdom he has built.
I need to stop saving things for a place a don't belong.
I need to give away this Idolized empire.
I need to be blunt and say, "I don't want what America wants. I want Jesus. Just Jesus."

Yet, I still have questions with ambiguous answers
What do I do about the tremendous debt that I owe others?
What do I do/don't do about my medical conditions?
Where do I start learning?

I yearn again to be a crazy person who is desperately searching for Jesus Christ.

"...I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am fine..."



Shalom.

I don't know...

I honestly wonder if we are worth being here.
I honestly wonder if we were built to fulfill hope, also.

There is a balance in my mind and I do not know where to put my pebbles.

I saw a movie that helped me see the hopelessness to our world and to humankind's answers.
I think everyone is misled by ambition in some way.
I think once someone believes they have the know-all solution to life, they are wrong.
I think that everyone is missing the greatest point of this life.
If I wasn't true about this, then I would see the world becoming hopeful.
I believe people are trying. But, then again, I do not see trying as means to help.
I believe I do seem some hope sometimes, but I question its existence.
It is difficult to explain.
I am still trying to see God.
It is rather desolate at times.
I do not want to give up. But, shall I change anything?
I do not want to give up. But, does it matter?
I do not want to give up. But, maybe giving up is the point.
I don't know.
Not right now, at least.
I search for a life that is meaningful and that is desperate,
but I do not see it in front of me at the present moment.


Shalom.
Shalom.

Breathe.


shalom.

I just made sure two children were sleeping for eight hours and got paid for it.
My job is so worthless.


shalom.

Awkward Eyes

I hate when I see someone and they keep looking at me in an odd fashion.
I start thinking, "Why is this person so awkward?" There is just something about the way they catch eye-contact with me, that it just sends a chill to the bone. It drives me crazy. It almost hurts. They keep doing it, whether they realize it or not. It's only how I could imagine a monster would be looked at-- the person looking in awe, like, "No. That's not a monster. Right? Or is it? It has to be a monster. Just look at it. Oh, my gosh, it's a monster."
When someone looks at me like that, my brain can't help but to wonder why. Do I know her from some where? I think I do. Her face is very familiar. I have to know her from some where.
So, what do I do?
I go on Facebook. I do give them props for their accomplishment. It deletes the necessity to walk up to someone and say, "Where do I know you from?"
Anyways, it clicks.
She is that person. That really good friend to So-and-so. So-and-so must have told her about the huge mistakes I've made, probably because my mistakes affected So-and-so.
She is that person. She is that girl that thinks I am a piece of crap. Now I got it.
The thing is, I know I'm a piece of crap, so what am I supposed to do?

Here is why I am so bothered: I feel as if most people I know don't want to be my friend because of the huge mistakes I've made. It may not be true, I may just be a lousy friend.

I'm in Anderson, where all my friends are. I feel lonely. I feel like it's my fault for getting sick and depressed. I feel like it's my fault for leaving to get better. I feel like I've lost some sort of connection that won't ever be correct again. I feel like I truly don't understand anyone here any more. That sucks.

It may not be true. It's probably not true, but it's so hard not to believe when you can't stop yourself from feeling that way. And, I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not writing this so people feel bad. I'm just being honest. I'm just saying this is how I feel and I hate it.

I feel as if I'm alone.

Shalom.

From Bengal Tiger to Sea-Mail

I think the government should supply a program where people can trade in a gun for a Bengal tiger, or maybe two wolves. Thus, two endangered species are rescued and anyone can feel like a bad mama-jama without shooting anyone.
This could go wrong, though.
If everyone decided to do this, we would be destroyed by beasts and people would scream, "IF I ONLY HAD A FIREARM TO DEFEAT THIS WRETCHED CREATURE!" or something of the sort.

--

I wish I could make money writing on this blog. By that, I mean I wish every time I typed the letter 'T', a machine connected to this computer would print a 100 dollar bill with my face on it. After a couple of months, I would take all of the Ryan Bill's and go to a random ATM machine. After I made a transaction, I would turn around and scream, "It's not all about the Benjamin's!!" then throw the Ryan Bills up into the air.

--

When someone asks you, "Late night last night?" You say, "No, I'm pretty sure it was right on time. It started around sunset and was over by 12:00 a.m."

--

I'm currently broke at the moment. I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read, "Anything will help."
I thought, "No, sir. If I go up to you and start dancing, it will surely not help. It may help other people start laughing when they drive by.
It won't help if I look at you in the eyes and say, 'Will it?'"
If I had a sign, it would read, "Will work for food. By "food", I mean money, and by "work", I mean ask you.

--

Gutters on roofs are a strange concept to me. Someone just said, "Dang it! Every time it rains I get wet while walking from the outside to the inside for a second longer than I would like to. I know what I'll do... I'll build something that collects the water on my roof and, uh... dumps it behind my house. And, I'll make sure it's hard as hell to clean out, so that I'll have a reason to be enraged with anger half of the year and and the other half of the year I'll have a reason to use my ladder."

--

I want to put a note in a bottle in throw it in the ocean. The note would read:

"Turn around
and run

to the nearest lavatory
to wash your hands because...
I wrote this letter
with my
feces.

Love,
Your Secret Admirer

p.s. Just kidding!
My friend
wrote this with my feces."

--

shalom.

Aliens, Dragons, or Whatever

"For we were never discovering this planet,
marching across this earth,
covering over this terrain,
hiding in this ground,
digging to this core,
running from this sky,
or fighting for this realm.

We were merely trying to deny the fact that we were powerless."
--As written by Priest Propectirius in The Book of Deterioration

I basically just made this quote up. I just started thinking about the earth ending, or maybe alien invasions, or maybe dragon invasions, or whatever... I just thought it seemed like an open to some sci-fi intense novel about destiny and faith and doom and hope and grace, which would take place in the future... duh.

I don't know how someone copyrights something, but this is copyrighted by me. It works if I just say it, right?

Shalom.

p.s. I like you guys.

Almost See

I am starting to get that feeling, again, that I can almost see God.
In a movie so cheesy, when my brother hurts so lovingly, when my girlfriend talks unhindered, when my sister writes brutally honest, when a comedian talks about how he is clueless, when I fall into a nap...
I don't think I've seen God,
but it's just like if I squint my eyes hard enough,
and if the light is just right,
then just maybe I will.

This is weird, because I've felt pretty worthless lately.
But, I don't feel depressed.

shalom.

One Of My Quirky Weaknesses

I'm not a worried person, but there is one thing that terrifies me.
It's when someone gives you a message saying, "Hey call me. It's very important," or something to that degree.
Then they don't answer their phone, or you call back and they don't tell you what's wrong.
That hurts my heart.
As greedy as it sounds, I just want to know instantly that it's not that bad-- there's no need to panic-- a loved one is not dead.

I'm not doing this to call anybody out, because lots of people do it to me. This is just the first time that I have a really weird problem with bad news or no news.
I just realized it.
I love you all, but please leave a message in detail if you need to leave a message that is important.

Shalom.

Being White Despite Of the Lack of Pride.

I decided to shave my face.
I look like a twelve-year-old boy now.
I realized last night that my dreadlocks and facial hair were shields for my own protection.
It's because I have a hard time associating with ignorant white people, which is most white people.
For some reason, me having dreadlocks and facial hair helped me cope with white people easier.
I guess it was a form of separation, not necessarily individualism, from the people that I wasn't comfortable with.
Leah and I went to a restaurant last night and our section was just full of obnoxious white kids who said stupid things and thought they were funny.
The saddest part is that I associated myself with them because of the way I look now.
I do feel angry that we have the same skin color. I do feel angry that I feel like I'm being misrepresented by them.
That's a little crazy, but only a little.
This is what Christianity has become as well. Christians left and right are embarrassed of other Christians because of the mistakes they made or still make, or just because they don't believe everything exactly as we believe.
There is a way that this is healthily done. This has to be done carefully, though.
We must feel grace, sadness, not anger and judgment.
The fact remains that the reason a lot people don't believe in Jesus is because of Christians.
We have to associate ourselves with them, whether we want to or not, because we have the same title of religion. And, because we are in automatic association with imperfect people we have to apologize for their actions because we are one in the same movement. Whether labeled "radical" "Presbyterian" "Catholic" "Church of God" "Prophets" or "Leaders", Jesus Christ's vision was for us to "be one", to be a body.
The other fact remains, though, that we are no better than anybody else-- that we are in fact imperfect as well. To love someone as yourself means to give grace to those because you expect grace from them. You expect not to be judged, so don't judge others. This is one of the simplest things to learn from Jesus, yet I am such an idiot, that I think I can justify my case to a perfect love by saying, "Well, that wouldn't work if this happened..."
I am wrong, but that is okay as long as I learn.
You are wrong, but that is okay as long as you learn.


Well,
Death Cab calls on me to rock out...
Shalom.

Jobless

I feel like I am handicapped, like it's an impossibility for me to get my shit together.
What is wrong with me?
I am very sad, very angry, very hurt, very judged right now.
It's almost like I'm stuck in this weird place: I'm trying to realize I am a grown-up, but I'm also realize that I have nothing grown-up about my actions.
This sucks.
I guess this is what life is supposed to be, though.

shalom.

yeah...

I don't usually talk about Leah on here, because I don't want to sound stupid-in-love.
But, I am stupid-in-love and it's because of her.
Leah is what I need.
She makes sense out of me.
She tries so hard just to love me.
She fits. Exactly.
I cannot do anything without her, no matter how much I may act like it.


shalom.

I really miss my friends from college.
I love you:
Best, Mac, Fonzie, Ben, Douggie, Fenrick, Tandy, Terry and Karissa, Seegert, M.Scott, Greenlee, Kumfer, M.Smith, Amman, D. Skinner, Winn, the Rowes, Rahn, the soccer boys, Joe, Hunt, and many more that were so close to my heart.


Shalom.

Know No

No, no, no. There is
no
absolute
way
that we would ever
know.
Know
what?
Why,
I don't know.
No
I don't.



Shalom.

Random Thoughts of a Post-Haircut

I'm trying to get my life together. I'm not very good at it.

---

We all have shields. We often try to protect ourselves or others with them, which is ironic because they often injure ourselves or others, turning our shields into weapons.

---

I often give up if things are too frustrating. Being in a relationship has made me more frustrated lately than most things have, yet I have not given up and will not give up. It gives me hope that I can change for the better.

---

I have been more judging and gossipy then I have been in a long time. I hate that. I absolutely hate that. I don't like bitching behind people's backs. I don't like joining others in their endeavors of it, either. It's so wearing on my soul.

---

I really miss my dreadlocks. It's shallow, but I really do. I hate what I look like right now. I spend too much time changing clothes because every time I look in the mirror, I just look like a tool.

---

Money is fake. It is not real. It is an idea that is not backed up by it's logic, yet it controls the world. They are pieces of paper, yet they can make a person go insane with worry or greed or comfort.

---

Shalom.

A Grace Lacking Such Gravity

No matter how good I am, I've still done things that I'm ashamed of.
Like a cancer, I have an x-ray vision to see the black spots covering my heart.
I don't even have to asked to be searched.
My hideous mistakes burn like acid reflux-- embarrassments to constantly swallow.

I am not unique, though.
Everyone has done things that are shameful.
No matter if the greatest mind, the strongest heart, the most courageous actions,
they still shall become a form of evil at one point or another.
Evil actions that seem to make a person evil as well.
Actions that condemn a person for the Hell he has tried to release.

Whenever I hear the news about so-and-so committing some crime, my hearts drops.
I can't help but think that I would rather be blamed for what they did.
Jesus already did this, yet I keep my deep, disgusting deeds to myself saying, "Well Jesus, I don't really think you want this... It's pretty crappy... plus, I just don't think I should give it to you because you don't deserve it. You never did anything wrong."
-- That's my 6th grade version of denying grace.

I think it's great to tell people that love is all that matters, but we often think of what it means to love and get very confused. If we just accepted and gave grace, we would then understand how love is supposed to be.

That is hard. We live in a society where everyone owes someone something. Jubilee is a foreign concept. We see grace as something that would set us free if someone gave it to us, but then when we think about giving it out it is seen as weak, dumb, and giving up. It would mean no longer being the judge of what others deserve. That looks not American, unjust, unfair.

Everyone walk in line.
Don't step out of place.
Don't follow the directions your heart placed in your shirt pocket.
Walk straight and orderly,
While curiosity sits in crinkled paper close to your chest.
Don't let the unthinkable happen--
Your fingers fiddle around to finally unfold the filler in the fabric.
Oh, my.
Close your eyes, open your arms, and try to fly to God.
No matter how many times your wings may melt.


Shalom.

25 Things for Those Who Haven't Seen Mine Yet.

This is a pretty fun thing going around Facebook. You list 25 random things about yourself and then whoever is tagged in your note is supposed to do it as well. It's very interesting to read others' and to do it as well.

1. I did this because I would rather not be applying for a new job at the moment.
2. I get easily jealous of friends and strangers because I wish I was as cool as them.
3. I hate money so bad, but I want so much more of it.
4. The first movie I have ever cried during was Alladin.
5. In highschool, I thought I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend, but then I found out I wasn't a few days later.
6. I used to get picked on a lot at school and in my neighborhood, which helped me use one of my greatest strengths: crying, so that my dad would scare them away.
7. 2 years ago I thought I killed an ant and started crying, then it started moving again.
8. I've always wanted to change the world and have nobody know I did it. Still working on ideas.
9. I've written songs on guitar and piano, but I would never sing in front of 2 people.
10. I think I'm a pretty good speaker, but I get so anxious and worried before I have to speak that I debate hurting myself severely (like hitting another car head on at 45 miles an hour) so I don't have to go without lying about why I didn't go.
11. I once had a dream of a car crash happening before the exact same crash I dreamed about actually happened.
12. I've never smoked pot and am kind of jealous of people who have. I don't know why.
13. I think it's funny that most people tell me that I seemed cocky when they first met me, because I hate myself more often than not which is a problem I'm trying to work on.
14. I have cursed like a sailor most of my life from 2nd grade until I went to college, then started again after college.
15. I nagged my mom about smoking and even threw away tons of her cigarettes, but then started after I turned 21. I just recently quit.
16. I feel lonely most of the time.
17. I always have hope for others' lives and the world no matter how depressed I get.
18. I never had a drink of alcohol while attending AU.
19. In college I almost dropped out my freshman year and rode my bike across the country to love people and learn about Jesus. My family had a lot of pressure on me, so I changed my mind.
20. I regret going to college to learn about Jesus. Well, not going to college, but paying 80,000 dollars I didn't have in the first place.
21. I pick my nose and often wipe in on the inside of the thighs on my pants.
22. If I knew I was going to die soon, I would go to Tibet to live.
23. I used to hate white people. I used to also never call myself white.
24. I miss a lot of my friends. I never really realized how bad I was at showing them I wanted to keep them in my life.
25. When I was an RA, I once punched myself in the face repeatedly so that I would be listened to.



Shalom.

Free

I just wrote for 30 minutes and then held down 'delete'. It was a waste of words.
It essentially said, "I have all of these things to do take care of in my life and I am not."
I don't want to shut off. I don't want to throw a pity party. I just want to change.

It seems that "trying" to change has only changed things in they same way that Novocaine changes a decayed tooth.

Are we truly free? If so, why doesn't it feel like it? Where is the imaginary line place in our minds to say that something is or isn't possible-- that we are stuck?


"It is those that think they are truly free who are the ones enslaved."*

It is us who are truly free, but we have our excuses not to try to find out.

"It is only when we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."**

It is human to deny freedom for the sake of what we love.



Shalom.


*Paraphrased from Zeitgeist II
** From Fight Club

Right Foot, Left Foot, Now the Horns.

Left eye won't stop twitching, flinching, clinching, hesitating to blink.
Mind does the same, while often stopping, waiting, dropping by to think.
Stomach cramping, raging, and rampant of daily mo'knot'ony.
Hands scurrying like cowards, struggling, and wrestling with 'real life' or a close proxy.

As if I'm watching a marching band, that I've orchestrated,
topple over each other in a crowded street,

my helplessness consumes me.




shalom.

I Am A Level 4 Epiphanger.

I think in the 20's of our lives we all start realizing things, whether they may be true, partially true, or utterly false. So, I'm just going to label us Epiphanagers [i-pif-uh-ney-jer].

Yes, I just invented a new word. Or just combined epiphany with -ager...

I want to mix it up a little more and distinguish between Epiphanangers. For example, a 20-year-old is a level 0 Epiphanger, a 21-year-old is a level 1, etc.

I don't know if this may change the world, but at least it will make growing up not seem as crappy and mundane.

---

The microwave is very convenient, but honestly, it makes my food tasted like it got created by Green Lantern, who are one of many comic book characters that had a ring that could, basically, do anything they wanted if they had enough willpower to make it do as they wished. One of these powers, if you haven't guessed it yet, is to make objects out of green "solid-light" energy. I'm just saying that if Green Lantern made me a sandwich, it would probably would be like biting into solid, diet, seltzer water without the carbonation and make my tongue taste like radiation for weeks.

Last time I checked there were only 3 things (popcorn, potatoes, and hot dogs) you can cook in a microwave without them tasting like a crappy version of the food you actually wanted. And, those three things can be cooked many other places instead of a microwave while tasting just as good, if not better.

So, let's just label this box with buttons with more appropriate name:

The Marshmallow Exploder.

---

Shalom.

Finding Peace.

Now watching: Zeitgeist II

It is thought of to simply live in this world, then one is surviving. One is living.
I think we've come to the point where we are all asleep and we don't know it.
This world is not real, although, it may seem.
This planet does exist. These people do exist.
But, this planet has become an idea. These people have become numbers.
We have been sucked into thinking that if we make so much money, we will be free.
We are slaves who are clueless to what reality is.


It is times like these when I realize how real, practical, and relevant Jesus actually is.
It is also times like these when I realize that humanity may not even seize the chance to live real lives on individual levels until it is too late.
That includes myself, my friends, and people I may never meet.
I can't help but to think of a black-and-white video of an atomic bomb exploding.
But, I also feel that when everything is destroyed is also when flowers seem the most beautiful.

shalom.
Shalom.
SHALOM.