Awkward Eyes

I hate when I see someone and they keep looking at me in an odd fashion.
I start thinking, "Why is this person so awkward?" There is just something about the way they catch eye-contact with me, that it just sends a chill to the bone. It drives me crazy. It almost hurts. They keep doing it, whether they realize it or not. It's only how I could imagine a monster would be looked at-- the person looking in awe, like, "No. That's not a monster. Right? Or is it? It has to be a monster. Just look at it. Oh, my gosh, it's a monster."
When someone looks at me like that, my brain can't help but to wonder why. Do I know her from some where? I think I do. Her face is very familiar. I have to know her from some where.
So, what do I do?
I go on Facebook. I do give them props for their accomplishment. It deletes the necessity to walk up to someone and say, "Where do I know you from?"
Anyways, it clicks.
She is that person. That really good friend to So-and-so. So-and-so must have told her about the huge mistakes I've made, probably because my mistakes affected So-and-so.
She is that person. She is that girl that thinks I am a piece of crap. Now I got it.
The thing is, I know I'm a piece of crap, so what am I supposed to do?

Here is why I am so bothered: I feel as if most people I know don't want to be my friend because of the huge mistakes I've made. It may not be true, I may just be a lousy friend.

I'm in Anderson, where all my friends are. I feel lonely. I feel like it's my fault for getting sick and depressed. I feel like it's my fault for leaving to get better. I feel like I've lost some sort of connection that won't ever be correct again. I feel like I truly don't understand anyone here any more. That sucks.

It may not be true. It's probably not true, but it's so hard not to believe when you can't stop yourself from feeling that way. And, I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not writing this so people feel bad. I'm just being honest. I'm just saying this is how I feel and I hate it.

I feel as if I'm alone.

Shalom.