From Bengal Tiger to Sea-Mail

I think the government should supply a program where people can trade in a gun for a Bengal tiger, or maybe two wolves. Thus, two endangered species are rescued and anyone can feel like a bad mama-jama without shooting anyone.
This could go wrong, though.
If everyone decided to do this, we would be destroyed by beasts and people would scream, "IF I ONLY HAD A FIREARM TO DEFEAT THIS WRETCHED CREATURE!" or something of the sort.

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I wish I could make money writing on this blog. By that, I mean I wish every time I typed the letter 'T', a machine connected to this computer would print a 100 dollar bill with my face on it. After a couple of months, I would take all of the Ryan Bill's and go to a random ATM machine. After I made a transaction, I would turn around and scream, "It's not all about the Benjamin's!!" then throw the Ryan Bills up into the air.

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When someone asks you, "Late night last night?" You say, "No, I'm pretty sure it was right on time. It started around sunset and was over by 12:00 a.m."

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I'm currently broke at the moment. I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read, "Anything will help."
I thought, "No, sir. If I go up to you and start dancing, it will surely not help. It may help other people start laughing when they drive by.
It won't help if I look at you in the eyes and say, 'Will it?'"
If I had a sign, it would read, "Will work for food. By "food", I mean money, and by "work", I mean ask you.

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Gutters on roofs are a strange concept to me. Someone just said, "Dang it! Every time it rains I get wet while walking from the outside to the inside for a second longer than I would like to. I know what I'll do... I'll build something that collects the water on my roof and, uh... dumps it behind my house. And, I'll make sure it's hard as hell to clean out, so that I'll have a reason to be enraged with anger half of the year and and the other half of the year I'll have a reason to use my ladder."

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I want to put a note in a bottle in throw it in the ocean. The note would read:

"Turn around
and run

to the nearest lavatory
to wash your hands because...
I wrote this letter
with my
feces.

Love,
Your Secret Admirer

p.s. Just kidding!
My friend
wrote this with my feces."

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shalom.