We Without Hope

I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.


But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.

My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.

But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"

We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.

That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.

I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.

shalom.