from questions to convictions

Now listening to Franz Ferdinand
"Don't look at me that way. It was an honest mistake."


I wish I knew how corporate America worked, so I could make it a better America. That way I wouldn't have to add to the rediculous complexity of my brain confusion by stressing out about, "Will this hurt the economy? Will this help the economy? Will this help the poor? Am I just adding the pounds of collection of this thing I preach against?" My head. My heart. Which do I follow? Am I fit to follow either? How come it has to be a conscious following of one or the other? Why does it have to feel like I am just trapped inside of this body and am not connected whatsoever to these things? Why am I not more knowledgable of the world and what goes on? This picture above is from an article on msn.com about the punishment for those involved in the Rwada genocide and just sparks my interest, but my laziness out-weighs that interest, which is very depressing. The fact is now that I know I have this problem, I must repent (changing my mind and my lifestyle towards a greater good) and live from this point.
Repent. I know you may have either 1: cringed, 2: braced yourself for a religious guilt trip, or 3: just got coincidentally bored. BUT JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.

I think that we, especially Christians, cannot live without repentance. If we do not have it (no matter what faith or non-faith we are), then really what is this purpose to this life? If we are not aiming for something to become; for something to strive for? I'm not trying to beat you over the head with a Bible or anything (heaven forbid), but let's be honest with each other: We have these things burning in our heart that we know are wrong and that we know we have to change. So... why don't we? More importantly, I guess, why don't we let God?
Well, I got to go to chapel! Hats off, hands up. Prepare for designated worship time (if you know me, you know that I'm laying on some thick sarcasm... but we'll save that talk for later).
S h a l o m

The Orego Trail...

Well, I skipped my first class and chapel today to get some rest, and rode my bike to campus only to remember that my dang 2 o'clock class was canceled for today. (bad words inserted here).
I guess it's not that bad because I have some stuff to do... Like Blog! :)

Life seems to be standing still right now, unfortunately. And, as helpful as I thought it would, whining has not made it any better.

I met with some of the greatest guys in my life last night and I'm just so relieved to be with them again and to realize that I do not have it worse than everybody else. That may sound messed up, but what I'm saying is that, naturally, I think humans like to complain. I do it even when I verbally say, "I don't want to whine anymore." Why is it so easy to do? And, why do we do it? What does it solve?" Not to confuse complaining with pointing how things should not be, but if you point out something wrong and don't do anything about it, aren't you just complaining? I don't know the answer to this question, but it makes me think a lot because I'm always saying, "we should do [this]," yet I don't do extreme things that I "preach" of.
God, please break me of being a comlainer.

A.D.D. moment-- This girl next to me in the lab is playing "The Oregon Trail". That's funny, right?

My little sister is currently dating a boy. (sorry to expose you sis). We had a discussion about how I told her I didn't think it was the best choice to do it, and she said she thought I was probably right, but thought she just needed to learn on her own. Yeah she does, BUT it's just like, "I want you to learn from a different experience, not one that's gonna rip your heart out and make you hurt for so long." That might be the hardest part about giving someone advice: You know you're saying the right thing, but, ultimately, it's her decision to make.
My life is a decision to constantly make.
Please make the decision Ryan. Please make it Ryan...
shalom.

Dear Sleep,

Dear Sleep,
I haven't seen you in awhile. How have you been? How's the nightlife? Well, I was talking to the Grades the other day. We started talking about their "slump" and how things have been down lately. We agreed it was probably because you haven't been helping us out recently. That, or we haven't been coming to you for help. I'll be honest. I don't like you, but I respect you. I don't want you, but I need you. If I could go my whole life without you, believe me, I would. But, the fact still remains-- I have to have you in order not to go crazy and die. I have spent 1/3 of my life with you. Sometimes we get what we accomplish, sometimes we just chill. Sometimes I come to you, sometimes you overcome me. I do not always feel better when we meet, but it is always better when it occurs. So, with that said, what I guess I'm trying to say in a messed up way, is that I will hopefully be seeing more of you soon.
Love,
Ry

(if only this was my relationship with God being written)

Dear God,
May I need you more than sleep, food, water, or the air I breathe.
Amen.

Shalom.

Baahh... I love watching sheep...

Well, it is currently rush week. Call me cynical, but I really do think it's stupid. Not only that, but I think social clubs are stupid. Am I wrong for thinking that? well, no, because it's my opinion, but am I wrong for believing that as a fundamental truth?
I realize I do that with a lot of topics, moral issues, etc. I think that my opinion on the matter is right, no matter if I can iterate it or not. I "just know" I'm right. Why is that?
Don't get me wrong, I will hear people out and even agree with them, but when that happens, I think to myself, "Self," cuz that's what you call yourself when your talking yourself, "I was already thinking that deep down," or, "How could I know? I wasn't ever educated in that area."
Why does is feel so vulnerable to be wrong? And, if we know why it feels so vulnerable, then, why do we think someone is instantly stupid,ignorant, or idiotic for being wrong?
How am I so conceded when it comes to my emotions, but so cut-throat when it comes to others'?

These thoughts have kind of been adding to the thoughts of, "am I too cynical/critical about things?... Do I have the right to call out people?"
It especially rang true in my "person finance" class. My professor, who will remain nameless, manipulates scripture to say that Christ died so that we may be rich.
What did Jesus do? What does Jesus do? He looks for what is wrong and does something about it, right?
shalom.

Contributing to the Greatest Thing in the World.

well, things are definitely falling in that cycle again.
I hate when this happens. I think about way too much stuff and it gets to me, then I overload, my brain sizzles like a toaster, and then nothing. "What is wrong with me?" is the first question in my mind, but then I realize, everybody probably goes through the same petty problems, so nothing is really wrong with me in that sense. The next question that shoves its way through my brain is, "How are you going to be a leader in the body of Christ?" Which makes me think and fear a lot. I look to my left and to my right as I sit in my ministry classes and can audibly tell that I am way inadequate in my basic relationship with God. I feel so distant, but I know that God has better plans, but I just want to feel normal, ya know? It's nothing that I really think I need advice on, but it is a problem that I don't like. BLAH.

I would like to say that there are much more important things going on in my life, but, sadly, I feel like I waste so much time doing nothing important. Lazyiness. I hate the word. I hate it so much because it describes myself and I don't want it to.
I hear people say, "I wish God would just tell me exactlly what to do," or, "I wish I didn't have a choice... that I would just do what was right."
I dislike those sayings so much (even though I think them many times) because the greatest thing in the world isn't easy. And, for me, I am a constant reminder of that, because when it is easy, that means I'm being lazy, which means that I'm not caring enought, which means that I'm not taking advantage of the greatest thing I could ever know.
When I accepted Christ into my life, my heart, etc. it may have been free in a sense, but it is not free when I realize the responsibility I have as a true believer in Him.
"Do something.
Do something.
DO SOMETHING!"
is something I have to keep repeating to myself. My immediate response is to think, "well, what do I do?" NO. Don't think. Just do something. You know in your heart what is wrong and right- what is God-glorifying and what is not. Now, I understand that this may not work for everyone, but, for me, this is what I have to do, and I know that I'm not feeling a reason to type this just because I need to vent, but that I deeply feel that some of you go through the same thing.
Community.
A word that I feel is being misused (not in a definition sense, but in a life-application sense). I'm going to class with all these people that are studying the same things as me and have so many different gifts and talents, yet everyone seems to have the, " F you, I'm out" attitude. Shouldn't we use each other as resources? Shouldn't we put effort in to the places we are now and with the people we are with now? I don't know, but it just seems to me like we are shooting away all these premier chances to change the world for the glory of our awesome God.
Phew. I'm gonna go ride my bike home (which is becoming a huge pain in the butt, but, hey, the right thing is not the easy thing, right?).
Shalom.

"feel bad for Ryan" blog

Now Listening to: The buzzing drone of the air condtioner

Wow. It has been awhile, yet I have only been back at school for a week. "Re-entry" is a word that would probably best describe all the stuff that is going on in my life at this point, even though it is a word that I despise and loath. The reason I hate the word is that it has this movement that is assosiated with it. The movement is one of numbness, of just suppressing these passionate feelings of what justice is supposed to look like. But, nevertheless, I am going through "re-entry" emotions and whatnot. It's like I'm just numb and alone, you know? I hear Christians use the word "phase", and that would definitely fit if it hadn't be a feeling going on for so long...
H
E
L
P
It's something that I don't ever want and I don't really ever understand why, but every time I have the chance to use it, I kiss my oppurtunity bye-bye. I say "I'm not prideful. I'm pretty humble." The fact that I don't ever accept help with things or open up my real heart, is the opposite evidence of that.

Living in the Mecry House building (it's a church building about a mile and a half away from campus) is quite an experience. I won't lie (as my friend Ashley would say) it gets really lonely in there. I'm by myself all the time and I don't have a cell phone, car, I-pod, cable television, so I have a lot of free time. I feel bad for the other 8 guys living there with me, because I'm in this weird mood and it's really hard to connect with them, but I am the "new guy", so I guess it will improve over time.
I was sitting on the jungle gym last night, just kind of being depressed and lonely, and a random, older, black man approached me and asked for a couple bucks for gas and said, "Whadya up to?... Look like like ya sittin' all by yahself like you got no friends or something." Well, he didn't help.
I don't know where I'm going with this blog, so I'll deem it as the "feel bad for Ryan" blog and stop writing.
Shalom.