Shalom.

Now listening to: Late Registration by Kayne West
--
Click, play, browse, scroll. It's everywhere. Pain.
But then, i look again, and there's something else. Solutions.
Conventions everywhere, for the Sudan refugee children, for Darfur suffering from war, a intiative song for Sierra Leone, for countries suffering from a lack of human rights, etc.
--
It's so easy to get involved. It's so easy to see that this world is heading for something better. People are opening there eyes. Lights across the world searching for darkness and peircing through it.
--
But what do you hear about Jesus? Not much. Maybe my dumb ears are deaf. Maybe i'm not listening hard enough. I mean Jesus is everywhere working through the most descreet ways, but did he say that He would work without mentioning the Lord? I don't want to be a skeptic, but i don't want to be a band-wagonee either. Maybe i'm just jealous because i dreamed of coming up with some revolutionary idea to change the world, yet others have beat me there.
--------------------------------------------
Where doyou wanna be right now?
It seems like such a simple question, but this question alone screws me all up. I just want to be where i belong. I want to know where i'm needed.
Where do you think you're needed?
If i knew that, there wouldn't be a problem. There's so much help everywhere, seats are quickly filling up, so to speak. "Come here, Go there, Join us here." I appreciate the help, but I know where I don't need to be... or do I?
What seems interesting?
I don't care. I just wanna be somewhere. Not trendy, not comfortable, or popular.
What do you want in a place?
What doest that mean? "What do i want in my coffee?" is a better question, cuz i know the answer. Cream and sugar.
Who do you want to be with?
Yes and no.
That wasn't a yes or no question.
I made it one.
Why?
I don't even know if i want to be around someone right now. I think i want to be around people, but i'm not sure. It would be nice, but i don't know if i want "something nice".
Do you know what you want? I think so.
What is that?
Shalom.

we will all miss home...

now listening to: with or without you by U2

It comes around. You know what i'm talking about. The breakdown. You just cry to yourself like it was the last day of your life. The misery soaks in and settles like a painful shot at the beginning of a death sentence. Strapped to the chair. Salt water solution begins to flow.

i wonder. i wonder what it is all supposed to mean. Why must i feel this sad, this lonely, this broken? Lay down on the couch and let the feeling of sleep become a partial friend for the next half-hour. i turn on the t.v. "Friends" is on. Ross is sorry for the horrible mistake he made and wants Rachel to forgive him. He calls his sister and tells her to turn on the radio in the room Rachel is sulking. A radio dedication comes on dedicated to her. "With or without you" slowly streams into my ears like a brand new sock on the foot. It's beautiful. Ross loves her. The show ends and credits start to roll, so do my tears with guilt.

i hurry up and turn the channel, hoping to have some more emotion prevoked by some other "love story". Nothing. A bunch of comedies. A documentary about the boy that lived in that bubble. A movie about moses. More comedies.

So ironic.

i am sick of comedies.
i am fearing that eventually i will joke away my pain until i am no longer an actually soul with real feelings, but just a numb, but funny, mass of tissue.

i am sick of running away.
i didn't know i was running for most of my life. i don't know if i still am. i don't want to be. It happens so intinctively. i decided to explore and go "find myself" by going across the country. Leaving all that i love three time zones away. i had so much. Why did i leave? Oh man, i am wanting to go back; back to that place where God's love was pumping in me. i am desperate for some chance to stand on the edge of the sea of my life, to faithfully step forward, and believe that God will somehow supply what i need to do what i think He wants me to do.

i am sick of being alone.
i am fearing that i will be the boy in the bubble the rest of my life. All alone. Surrounded by those who feel obligated to help me. Cut of from the phyical touches that make life so enjoyable. The confrontation of a firm handshake. The nerve-stimulating feeling of a deep back massage. The warm embrace of a bear hug. The butterfly-inducing touch of a beautiful girl's hand.

Somehow i realize something.
i am filling my life up with the provoking, witty, emotion-inducing stuff. A t.v. show. A movie that makes me believe in love. A book that tells me what life what supposed to be about. A blog to write in, so that my sanity is stabilized. Then another thing, then another, and another...

Somehow i realize something else.
The more i use this to fix my soul, the more things seem to get worse.

i want to sleep in the middle of a field, while searching the stars with limited curiousity. i want to talk to friends all night until the sun starts to illuminate the sky. i want to fall in love with the girl of my dreams and feel something that can only be felt by experiencing it. i want to enjoy God and chase after him with a peace that could empower the mountains to roll over. i want to feel at home.

shalom.

"M to the A to the S to the K.

Put the mask upon the face,
just to make your next day..."

i don't want to be someone i'm not. Do you? i know i don't. i want to be real; not who someone wants me to be. i want to be "me". i want to be the one trying to be like God. i want to be "me". i'm not really sure this is, but i know that is who i want to be-- "me".

"Everyone wears the mask, but who long will it last?"

i realized today what will really put me in a bad mood. When someone tries to make me be someone else that i am not-- makes me do something i wouldn't do on my own accord. Warning: don't volunteer me, my stuff, or ask me to do something that i already planning on doing (goodluck finding what that something is;). Oh, i'll get fused, you can bet on that. Do i have the right? i don't know. that's not the point right now.

i realized today, that when someone plays the "cool card", i get fused. Why would one get furious at someone who steals all attention, and is just, plain annoying with their jibber-jabber that fills the air like a poisonous gas? i have every right? Right?

i then try to play the scene over and over again in my head, so as to dissect, edit, and re-cut the play. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Slow motion. Play again. No answers. Dang.

With the many repeating situations burned into the visually stimulated nerves located in my cerebrum. A hint, a clue, starts to creep out like a cockroach spying on the oh-so-obvious light that fills the room. Then....
a sprint into the room.

Oh man! Why didn't i see it? Why was it so hard for me to see this?
My own words, (C.S. Lewis', actually) spoken to an 8th grader, whisper in my ear.
"What we hate in others is what we hate wrong in ourselves..."

i hate attention-getters. i hate myself. i am attention getter. i want to be "cool". i want to entertain, i want to act like i care for care's sake. i want to be the one people always remember. i want, i want, i want. me, me, me.

"brothers be frontin',
then they be runnin,
i walk the street and camoflauge my identity..."

With wisdom as a sword (for once) i walk up to my hatred and jealousy. i raise my sword and swing faithfully and heavily, as if killing two men with one strugglin' swipe. The being across from me drops to his knees and keels over on to the gray grass. Pain sweeps into my side. i am wounded also.

Did i do this? Oops.

Blackness invades my vision. My body gets tingly, as if all my body parts are falling asleep simultaneously. Open my eyes. For some reason, my frustation is gone. i know longer care who is "cool" and i am glad that i am not "cool". i don't feel pressured to be extroverted and out-going all of the time. i want to be "me".

It looks funny now, that i was chasing after "cool", like a little girl chases after a timid boy, who doesn't want to catch cooties.

i struggle from the bloody grass; hand pressing hard on my knee. Stand wearily and one small step back to the beautiful forrest. Will i have to battle this enemy again? i hope not.
but, he tends to lurk in the shadows, ready to be ambush me, when least prone to resist.

"Everyone wears the mask, but how long will it last?"


Shalom.