we will all miss home...

now listening to: with or without you by U2

It comes around. You know what i'm talking about. The breakdown. You just cry to yourself like it was the last day of your life. The misery soaks in and settles like a painful shot at the beginning of a death sentence. Strapped to the chair. Salt water solution begins to flow.

i wonder. i wonder what it is all supposed to mean. Why must i feel this sad, this lonely, this broken? Lay down on the couch and let the feeling of sleep become a partial friend for the next half-hour. i turn on the t.v. "Friends" is on. Ross is sorry for the horrible mistake he made and wants Rachel to forgive him. He calls his sister and tells her to turn on the radio in the room Rachel is sulking. A radio dedication comes on dedicated to her. "With or without you" slowly streams into my ears like a brand new sock on the foot. It's beautiful. Ross loves her. The show ends and credits start to roll, so do my tears with guilt.

i hurry up and turn the channel, hoping to have some more emotion prevoked by some other "love story". Nothing. A bunch of comedies. A documentary about the boy that lived in that bubble. A movie about moses. More comedies.

So ironic.

i am sick of comedies.
i am fearing that eventually i will joke away my pain until i am no longer an actually soul with real feelings, but just a numb, but funny, mass of tissue.

i am sick of running away.
i didn't know i was running for most of my life. i don't know if i still am. i don't want to be. It happens so intinctively. i decided to explore and go "find myself" by going across the country. Leaving all that i love three time zones away. i had so much. Why did i leave? Oh man, i am wanting to go back; back to that place where God's love was pumping in me. i am desperate for some chance to stand on the edge of the sea of my life, to faithfully step forward, and believe that God will somehow supply what i need to do what i think He wants me to do.

i am sick of being alone.
i am fearing that i will be the boy in the bubble the rest of my life. All alone. Surrounded by those who feel obligated to help me. Cut of from the phyical touches that make life so enjoyable. The confrontation of a firm handshake. The nerve-stimulating feeling of a deep back massage. The warm embrace of a bear hug. The butterfly-inducing touch of a beautiful girl's hand.

Somehow i realize something.
i am filling my life up with the provoking, witty, emotion-inducing stuff. A t.v. show. A movie that makes me believe in love. A book that tells me what life what supposed to be about. A blog to write in, so that my sanity is stabilized. Then another thing, then another, and another...

Somehow i realize something else.
The more i use this to fix my soul, the more things seem to get worse.

i want to sleep in the middle of a field, while searching the stars with limited curiousity. i want to talk to friends all night until the sun starts to illuminate the sky. i want to fall in love with the girl of my dreams and feel something that can only be felt by experiencing it. i want to enjoy God and chase after him with a peace that could empower the mountains to roll over. i want to feel at home.

shalom.