now listening to: citizen cope
life is weird man.
i'll make a choice. i'll think it's a good choice, ya know? i look back and i'm thinking to myself, "what process of elimination made me decide that?"
It's like i'm coming to a y in the road. Which way do i choose? i choose a way, but then, it's not giving me that shalom, that all-peace, that i thought it would. i'm a people pleaser. i can't please everyone. Not even Christ could do that. People like you. People don't like you. That's the way it will always be. So, if i know that, then why can't i believe that in my heart?
These feelings wont go away...
They keep knockin' me sideways...
Thinkin' time will make them go away...
i am pretty sure we all have feelings like this. why? are we ALL making the wrong decisions? i don't think. why? i don't know. we ain't perfect. that's gotta be somewhere in the vast ocean of answers.
i don't know what i'm talkin' 'bout. we usually don't. either we are mindless machines or we are reverberating robots.
mr. dali lamas...
it won't be long before you're pullin' yourself away...
i need to start writing, start reading, start messin' stuff up, and start living for the answers in my life. what does that mean?
i don't know man.
i need to think... and sleep...
shalom.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
life.
"whatever is true.
whatever is noble.
whatever is right.
whatever is pure.
whatever is lovely.
whatever is admirable.
think about these things..."
"i won't be totally true.
i won't be nearly noble enough.
i won't be right in every response.
i won't be purely pure.
i won't be lovely long enough.
i won't be admirable all day.
i won't stop trying.
i won't stop thinking about these things.
i hope you won't either..."
whatever is noble.
whatever is right.
whatever is pure.
whatever is lovely.
whatever is admirable.
think about these things..."
"i won't be totally true.
i won't be nearly noble enough.
i won't be right in every response.
i won't be purely pure.
i won't be lovely long enough.
i won't be admirable all day.
i won't stop trying.
i won't stop thinking about these things.
i hope you won't either..."
Sunday, February 19, 2006
A glimpse of e-mail walkabout...
Now listening to: Josh Garrels
a lesson learned by ryan.
dimes in the street may want to stay in the street...
... lovin' slurpies is expected and naturally the right thing.
loving' people is new and original. something we're not used to. i agree with you. i struggle with lovin' those who are white, rich, and "like me" aka the things i don't like about my culture.
i don't know what i'm learning... i'm tryin' to interweave my life with these other parts of Christ's body. The fact remains. They are still different parts of the body. Very different. i think "why do i feel so uncomfortable? why do i not fit in? is this where the "gap" of Christianity lies? is this where i find my purpose for the world around me?"
"peace... runs deep... deep in Him."
... it is truly strange how a being come to... being...
i feel that change. Not the whole chagne, but i feel the start of something.
One of the major reasons i came out here, to be honest. i needed to get away. i need to get thrown off track, so that i could understand where the tracks of my faith lay... so that i may follow them, so that way i may truly know where God is in my life, so that i may return to Him.
i didn't tell you what the whole sermon was about this morning.
Shalom Shalom. It's written wtice to mean "all existing peace... internal peace and external peace".
That is what i think i'm hitting at this moment, curious george...
... i decided. art and music are not worthless.
They are very much the foundation to our humanity...
My Walkabout Is Come.
if you don't know what a walkabout is. it is a man's journey made in australia to find wisdom and manhood. it is a time of awakening and spiritual realization.
My Walkabout Is Come.
shalom.
a lesson learned by ryan.
dimes in the street may want to stay in the street...
... lovin' slurpies is expected and naturally the right thing.
loving' people is new and original. something we're not used to. i agree with you. i struggle with lovin' those who are white, rich, and "like me" aka the things i don't like about my culture.
i don't know what i'm learning... i'm tryin' to interweave my life with these other parts of Christ's body. The fact remains. They are still different parts of the body. Very different. i think "why do i feel so uncomfortable? why do i not fit in? is this where the "gap" of Christianity lies? is this where i find my purpose for the world around me?"
"peace... runs deep... deep in Him."
... it is truly strange how a being come to... being...
i feel that change. Not the whole chagne, but i feel the start of something.
One of the major reasons i came out here, to be honest. i needed to get away. i need to get thrown off track, so that i could understand where the tracks of my faith lay... so that i may follow them, so that way i may truly know where God is in my life, so that i may return to Him.
i didn't tell you what the whole sermon was about this morning.
Shalom Shalom. It's written wtice to mean "all existing peace... internal peace and external peace".
That is what i think i'm hitting at this moment, curious george...
... i decided. art and music are not worthless.
They are very much the foundation to our humanity...
My Walkabout Is Come.
if you don't know what a walkabout is. it is a man's journey made in australia to find wisdom and manhood. it is a time of awakening and spiritual realization.
My Walkabout Is Come.
shalom.
shalom.
shalom.
where's that static and beeping coming from?...
now listening to: sigur ros
i get a phone call. oh, i get nervous. i always do. on telephones i always get nervous. people say, "you sound different on the phone." i'll agree. that's the "phone voice". everone's got it, right?
maybe not. i just always thought they did. mistake from the barriers on only paying attention to my own life. i make the voice. i laugh nervously. i forget to give my conversation 100%. i come back though. pay attention ryan. why do i get so nervous? that is a very good question.
i'm awkward.
i'm self-conscious.
i'm difficult.
i'm a terrible attempt to be impressive.
i'm just realizing this.
It's funny what a single 22 minute conversation will do to a young man. It's good to learn. At least, i think so... i may be wrong, but i'm 83.46% sure that i am correct in this matter of debate.
Another terrible attempt to be impressive. i don't even know what "debate" means.
That was a joke.
And a terrible attempt to be funny.
"Life" is a funny word right now. i know i'm in it. i don't know how though.
Communicate to me in languages i don't understand. Let me be inspired. Let me be alive.
Are we all asking these questions? Am i losing my sanity? i don't think so. i'm 63.23% sure about that.
i want to write songs and poems. i want to paint pictures and build masterpieces. i want shalom. i want a piece of pizza. i want you to know how great you are. yep. you. i want my life to be better than i movie. i want it to be life. i want a cup of coffee that doesn't cost three dollars and eighty-seven cents. i want to fall asleep to my CD player. i want to be inspired. i want to be alive. i want to be noticed, but then again i want to be seen through.
i want somebody in the distant future to find these letters and say, "i found the weirdest thing on the mobular infra-techno design (cuz that's what they'll call it in the future) the other day...".
i want them to fell smarter, funnier, and dumber all that the same time. Just a request.
We all want to be remembered. Starting to figure out, that i don't want that. It's hard, but that is what i'm learning.
i don't want enough. i want just a little less than than that. You understand those two sentences, and you'll understand me more than i can understand myself.
Speak to me in different languages. Let me be inspired. Let me be a cloud.
Three syllables i don't quite understand, yet don't have to.
i will wake up in the morning with that rythm in my head. i hope so.
i remember that place.
the place where it all began.
will i remember the place
where it all ended?
flashes dance like fireworks of memories.
i can almost see into the future with them.
some are not my life
and some are.
some are quite close
and some quite far.
Free writings of a mind in 4th place...
No medal.
Maybe next year.
shalom.
i get a phone call. oh, i get nervous. i always do. on telephones i always get nervous. people say, "you sound different on the phone." i'll agree. that's the "phone voice". everone's got it, right?
maybe not. i just always thought they did. mistake from the barriers on only paying attention to my own life. i make the voice. i laugh nervously. i forget to give my conversation 100%. i come back though. pay attention ryan. why do i get so nervous? that is a very good question.
i'm awkward.
i'm self-conscious.
i'm difficult.
i'm a terrible attempt to be impressive.
i'm just realizing this.
It's funny what a single 22 minute conversation will do to a young man. It's good to learn. At least, i think so... i may be wrong, but i'm 83.46% sure that i am correct in this matter of debate.
Another terrible attempt to be impressive. i don't even know what "debate" means.
That was a joke.
And a terrible attempt to be funny.
"Life" is a funny word right now. i know i'm in it. i don't know how though.
Communicate to me in languages i don't understand. Let me be inspired. Let me be alive.
Are we all asking these questions? Am i losing my sanity? i don't think so. i'm 63.23% sure about that.
i want to write songs and poems. i want to paint pictures and build masterpieces. i want shalom. i want a piece of pizza. i want you to know how great you are. yep. you. i want my life to be better than i movie. i want it to be life. i want a cup of coffee that doesn't cost three dollars and eighty-seven cents. i want to fall asleep to my CD player. i want to be inspired. i want to be alive. i want to be noticed, but then again i want to be seen through.
i want somebody in the distant future to find these letters and say, "i found the weirdest thing on the mobular infra-techno design (cuz that's what they'll call it in the future) the other day...".
i want them to fell smarter, funnier, and dumber all that the same time. Just a request.
We all want to be remembered. Starting to figure out, that i don't want that. It's hard, but that is what i'm learning.
i don't want enough. i want just a little less than than that. You understand those two sentences, and you'll understand me more than i can understand myself.
Speak to me in different languages. Let me be inspired. Let me be a cloud.
Three syllables i don't quite understand, yet don't have to.
i will wake up in the morning with that rythm in my head. i hope so.
i remember that place.
the place where it all began.
will i remember the place
where it all ended?
flashes dance like fireworks of memories.
i can almost see into the future with them.
some are not my life
and some are.
some are quite close
and some quite far.
Free writings of a mind in 4th place...
No medal.
Maybe next year.
shalom.
Friday, February 17, 2006
it's
Life, where you at, i would like to know.
could you hurry up, man, i got to go.
it's just me and i'm lonely.
sippin' on cafe,
wondering why no one's sells a "happy life" latte.
why when i pray,
do you have nothing to say?
spare me the prosperitay,
i mean, wait.
grace.
i've...
followed the rthym and praticed the rhyme.
i've...
taken the givin and acted all nice.
i'll argue with me, myself, and i till i die.
label it a prayer.
trying to wonder why i regret my life.
and what can't i see that's there.
did i live?
did i faith?
did i embrace my grace till i was blue in the face?
No, no, no, no, no.
Life, why do i think about you?
why do i argue about you?
but never ask you or spend time with you?
Man, i've been livin in San Fransisco for about a week now. I'm busy. I sure am. It's good i guess, but it makes me forget. Why do i love God? How do i show others? How do i show God?
I mean, life is not about what i've done wrong.
It's take me a long time to realize that.
I'm strivin' to believe God wasnt'- i mean isn't- a liar. I'm strivin' to believe God set me apart to be more than i can ever do on my own. Holy.
I stand on the tip-top of San Fransisco and i look down on the city with a vision that God has every day. Dark and light. It is so simple. It's dark and light. "but, wait," i say to myself. I look at the every detail of where every light is, where the darkness takes over, and where blah blah blah...
I'm sittin' here wonderin' how to change the world, when I can't change my own life. I'm sittin' here politickin' about things that seem "interesting".
It's simple. I need to choose. To embrace the holiness God gave me. That choice may be oh so hard, but i still have the choice. Discipline.
shalom.
could you hurry up, man, i got to go.
it's just me and i'm lonely.
sippin' on cafe,
wondering why no one's sells a "happy life" latte.
why when i pray,
do you have nothing to say?
spare me the prosperitay,
i mean, wait.
grace.
i've...
followed the rthym and praticed the rhyme.
i've...
taken the givin and acted all nice.
i'll argue with me, myself, and i till i die.
label it a prayer.
trying to wonder why i regret my life.
and what can't i see that's there.
did i live?
did i faith?
did i embrace my grace till i was blue in the face?
No, no, no, no, no.
Life, why do i think about you?
why do i argue about you?
but never ask you or spend time with you?
Man, i've been livin in San Fransisco for about a week now. I'm busy. I sure am. It's good i guess, but it makes me forget. Why do i love God? How do i show others? How do i show God?
I mean, life is not about what i've done wrong.
It's take me a long time to realize that.
I'm strivin' to believe God wasnt'- i mean isn't- a liar. I'm strivin' to believe God set me apart to be more than i can ever do on my own. Holy.
I stand on the tip-top of San Fransisco and i look down on the city with a vision that God has every day. Dark and light. It is so simple. It's dark and light. "but, wait," i say to myself. I look at the every detail of where every light is, where the darkness takes over, and where blah blah blah...
I'm sittin' here wonderin' how to change the world, when I can't change my own life. I'm sittin' here politickin' about things that seem "interesting".
It's simple. I need to choose. To embrace the holiness God gave me. That choice may be oh so hard, but i still have the choice. Discipline.
shalom.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
i am not worried... i am not overly concerned...
Now listening to: Anna Begins by the Counting Crows
Dude, i am going to San fransisco in about 45 minutes.
That is crazy. Am I scared? Yes. Am i excited? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I joyful? Yes.
I go to the 90's replica concert and the sea of familiar faces drowns me with my own tears. You are everywhere. Oh, you are everywhere. Why did i not notice this before? Why am i so ignorant? I tell you goodbye and you say "goodluck" but you don't realize that i don't want to leave you. You are my friends. I know you. I love you. Do you realize how you've impacted my life? No, no, no, you haven't thought about it. It's okay. I applaud your humility. I applaud your patience with me.
It only makes me ask myself, "why am i leaving this? what am i doing? am i trying to get away from something?" I don't believe so. I was just being spontaneous. 2 months later this idea just ain't so spontaneous. I am regretting my life. i do not need to. i just need to live.
but i see this community. i see this girl that i told myself, "you can't do this to someone you're just gonna leave in a month-- in a few weeks-- in a few days-- tonight. Oh gosh, what have i got myself into? Something hard. Something hard, but something good.
"every time she sneezes..."
bang. my life fires through this chamber and i see the skyline fade behind me. i'll live on. i surely will. but will i LIVE on?? oh don't think Ryan, just go. you committed. see what happens.
"oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing..."
shalom::.
Dude, i am going to San fransisco in about 45 minutes.
That is crazy. Am I scared? Yes. Am i excited? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I joyful? Yes.
I go to the 90's replica concert and the sea of familiar faces drowns me with my own tears. You are everywhere. Oh, you are everywhere. Why did i not notice this before? Why am i so ignorant? I tell you goodbye and you say "goodluck" but you don't realize that i don't want to leave you. You are my friends. I know you. I love you. Do you realize how you've impacted my life? No, no, no, you haven't thought about it. It's okay. I applaud your humility. I applaud your patience with me.
It only makes me ask myself, "why am i leaving this? what am i doing? am i trying to get away from something?" I don't believe so. I was just being spontaneous. 2 months later this idea just ain't so spontaneous. I am regretting my life. i do not need to. i just need to live.
but i see this community. i see this girl that i told myself, "you can't do this to someone you're just gonna leave in a month-- in a few weeks-- in a few days-- tonight. Oh gosh, what have i got myself into? Something hard. Something hard, but something good.
"every time she sneezes..."
bang. my life fires through this chamber and i see the skyline fade behind me. i'll live on. i surely will. but will i LIVE on?? oh don't think Ryan, just go. you committed. see what happens.
"oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing..."
shalom::.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
"bullet and a target" by Citzen Cope
Mr.Dali Lamas
Another sister's shootin' heroin tomarrow
Amputees in Freetown
Sierra Leone's
The church wasnt honest
The state put the youth in a harness
Creatin' hostility among us
Teacher said no college
Still the kid's gotta get a check with a couple commas
People wanna bomb us
More people gotta scatter and run rom us
You can blame it on Zeus and Apollo and Adonis
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
I've been knowing her for years
I've been seeing her foor years
she got dark, dark wavy hair
With a voice like she just don't care
She got a skirt with a halter top
She's got a dad who nevr gave enough
She drink a beer with a proper shot
She got knocked up in a pickup truck
But she got engaged when she was nineteen
To this dude who was acting insane
Has a .45 that he always cleaned
Said one day one day one too many days
Now she ducked and she ran away
Never to be heard from, never to be seen
I check the cover of a magazine
I'm just wondering how, just wondering how
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
Another sister's shootin' heroin tomarrow
Amputees in Freetown
Sierra Leone's
The church wasnt honest
The state put the youth in a harness
Creatin' hostility among us
Teacher said no college
Still the kid's gotta get a check with a couple commas
People wanna bomb us
More people gotta scatter and run rom us
You can blame it on Zeus and Apollo and Adonis
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
I've been knowing her for years
I've been seeing her foor years
she got dark, dark wavy hair
With a voice like she just don't care
She got a skirt with a halter top
She's got a dad who nevr gave enough
She drink a beer with a proper shot
She got knocked up in a pickup truck
But she got engaged when she was nineteen
To this dude who was acting insane
Has a .45 that he always cleaned
Said one day one day one too many days
Now she ducked and she ran away
Never to be heard from, never to be seen
I check the cover of a magazine
I'm just wondering how, just wondering how
But what you've done here
Is put yourself between a bullet and a target
And it won't be long before
You're pulling yourself away
the song's on my myspace:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=35219760
shalom.
Friday, February 03, 2006
guessin' game.
i've got this secret running through my head.
Yeah, i got this secret sprinting through my mind.
It spontaneously cuts to the left and rams into the membrane of my cerebrum.
Without hesistation it turns right around and rams face first into another side of my brain. Yeah, it's running alright.
i got this secret moving in my head like a freight train.
Whoo whoo...
Full steam ahead; head on collision; crash after crash; thought after thought; crash after thought and thought after crash.
This secret makes me want to be something i've always dreamed of.
This secret makes me wonder if i'm insane and have forgotten what i stand for.
This secret has been in almost all of my dreams, constanly reminding me of the issue at hand.
This secret wants to make me choose.
This secret wants me to choose the answer that will tend the flutter in my chest.
It makes me wonder if i'm to listen to it.
It makes me wonder if i'm to live as if i were to die tomorrow or to wait and be disciplined in my faith in magic-- letting myself go out into the world and return, so that things will be new, yet foundational; different, yet the same.
It makes me wonder what life is, what life should be, and what life could be.
It makes me scared and excited; bitter and hopeful.
It makes me a boy and a man; a blind one and a insightful one.
i've got this secret seeping out my head like a soaked sponge.
i've got this secret pouring out of my mind like a bucket.
i've got this secret that is bursting through the seams of my brain like the cotton out of my mattress.
you wanna know what it is?
if i told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?
shalom.
Yeah, i got this secret sprinting through my mind.
It spontaneously cuts to the left and rams into the membrane of my cerebrum.
Without hesistation it turns right around and rams face first into another side of my brain. Yeah, it's running alright.
i got this secret moving in my head like a freight train.
Whoo whoo...
Full steam ahead; head on collision; crash after crash; thought after thought; crash after thought and thought after crash.
This secret makes me want to be something i've always dreamed of.
This secret makes me wonder if i'm insane and have forgotten what i stand for.
This secret has been in almost all of my dreams, constanly reminding me of the issue at hand.
This secret wants to make me choose.
This secret wants me to choose the answer that will tend the flutter in my chest.
It makes me wonder if i'm to listen to it.
It makes me wonder if i'm to live as if i were to die tomorrow or to wait and be disciplined in my faith in magic-- letting myself go out into the world and return, so that things will be new, yet foundational; different, yet the same.
It makes me wonder what life is, what life should be, and what life could be.
It makes me scared and excited; bitter and hopeful.
It makes me a boy and a man; a blind one and a insightful one.
i've got this secret seeping out my head like a soaked sponge.
i've got this secret pouring out of my mind like a bucket.
i've got this secret that is bursting through the seams of my brain like the cotton out of my mattress.
you wanna know what it is?
if i told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?
shalom.
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