where's that static and beeping coming from?...

now listening to: sigur ros

i get a phone call. oh, i get nervous. i always do. on telephones i always get nervous. people say, "you sound different on the phone." i'll agree. that's the "phone voice". everone's got it, right?
maybe not. i just always thought they did. mistake from the barriers on only paying attention to my own life. i make the voice. i laugh nervously. i forget to give my conversation 100%. i come back though. pay attention ryan. why do i get so nervous? that is a very good question.
i'm awkward.
i'm self-conscious.
i'm difficult.
i'm a terrible attempt to be impressive.
i'm just realizing this.
It's funny what a single 22 minute conversation will do to a young man. It's good to learn. At least, i think so... i may be wrong, but i'm 83.46% sure that i am correct in this matter of debate.
Another terrible attempt to be impressive. i don't even know what "debate" means.
That was a joke.
And a terrible attempt to be funny.

"Life" is a funny word right now. i know i'm in it. i don't know how though.

Communicate to me in languages i don't understand. Let me be inspired. Let me be alive.

Are we all asking these questions? Am i losing my sanity? i don't think so. i'm 63.23% sure about that.

i want to write songs and poems. i want to paint pictures and build masterpieces. i want shalom. i want a piece of pizza. i want you to know how great you are. yep. you. i want my life to be better than i movie. i want it to be life. i want a cup of coffee that doesn't cost three dollars and eighty-seven cents. i want to fall asleep to my CD player. i want to be inspired. i want to be alive. i want to be noticed, but then again i want to be seen through.
i want somebody in the distant future to find these letters and say, "i found the weirdest thing on the mobular infra-techno design (cuz that's what they'll call it in the future) the other day...".
i want them to fell smarter, funnier, and dumber all that the same time. Just a request.
We all want to be remembered. Starting to figure out, that i don't want that. It's hard, but that is what i'm learning.

i don't want enough. i want just a little less than than that. You understand those two sentences, and you'll understand me more than i can understand myself.

Speak to me in different languages. Let me be inspired. Let me be a cloud.

Three syllables i don't quite understand, yet don't have to.

i will wake up in the morning with that rythm in my head. i hope so.

i remember that place.
the place where it all began.
will i remember the place
where it all ended?
flashes dance like fireworks of memories.
i can almost see into the future with them.
some are not my life
and some are.
some are quite close
and some quite far.

Free writings of a mind in 4th place...
No medal.
Maybe next year.

shalom.