Asking more consciously

Well, well, well...

It has been a while since I wrote. (My bad)
I wish things were going on. Actually, more things are probably going on (in my head) than I know. I hope you know what I mean or else I am slightly (yes, only slightly) crazy. School. The word used to make me shiver with disgust, but now it makes me reminisce and regret and realize that I am almost out of this place that is killing my pocket.
How is my life? So, good because God is good, but on the other hand... so sucky and I wish I knew why. I do not want to lie to anyone and pretend it is going good, becuase that is not the truth. "Death comes from the lack of truth." Whether that be death to the body or death to the faith or anything else-- it happens.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to be honest about this kind of thing.

I cringe whenI see someone (not all) I know because I know that the question, "How are you?" is very near. My mouth automatically says, "good... alright... fine," but it is not. It is not. Why don't I just tell them? Good question. Maybe it is that I feel some people don't actually want to know but are just trying to shoot the breeze. I despise that phrase-- "shoot the breeze". I want to shoot the breeze alright; shoot it right down, bang, so it screams and bleeds and realizes that it's purpose was never a purpose at all.
Time. We all are so busy. I understand that. If I don't have the time, don't ask them. Just say, "Hello," or, "I want to talk later about how's it going." This is a hard request, because I know I am one to ask such questions unconsciously and uncaringly.
But, I shouldn't put them in a predicament where they have to keep turning the daggers in their stomachs so that my guilt trip may be resolved.
Shalom.

Just read and let this system reboot itself

Here's the situation:
So, I sign up to go down to Louisana to help out with the Katrina relief, but I signed up to late, thus, putting me on a waiting list until someone drops out. That happened, but very late (I am not complaining, even though it sounds like it... a lot.) So, I had a couple of day to figure out how to get a hepititis shot by Thursday night, so that I could leave for the trip. Well, I went to get the shot, but realized I couldn't get it at that particular place because I wasn't going with AU... so, with only about a 1/2 hour left, I gave up (for a lack of better words). I gave up hope.
Did it help that when I called my parents to tell them, I got the reply, "you shouldn't go down there... you might get sick." What the heck?!? Come on! SHOULD I CARE THAT I'M GOING TO DIE?!?! especially, for the sake of helping/loving others??
Needless to say, when things didn't work out, I slept... for along time (14 hrs. to be precise)...
"Christianity is not easy," is what I told my friend as we were waiting for a shot I didn't even get. I said that, but then when we went the extra step to go to a different hospital, I told him not to worry about it and just take me home... I am a hypocrite. What happened?? What is going on?? System shut down....

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I have a blog. I don't know why I am going to this school. I don't know what I am doing after I get out of school. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do (or if want I should do is really what I should do). I don't know if I want to hang out with my friends. I don't know if I want to go home and cry by myself. I don't know why all of this crap is happening. I don't know why I can't just get it. I don't know why I say I believe things, yet don't because I do not live them. I don't know how I am going to pay off all of my loans. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what is going on. I don't know if you should know this, for I am sick witnessing actions based on stupid guilt trips. So, I just thought you should know, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me, feel like you have to do anything about it, or need to give me more attention.
I am only writing this to let you know, because I do not want to pretend I am someone I am not.
shalom.

For those of you who are crying behind your smiles... My prayers go to you...