Newsflash:
My Future is non-existent.
I have no idea what I'm going to do when I graduate.
I have don't know how I'm going to get a job.
I don't have any qualifications to get a "real" job.


And...

I don't really care.

Not-so-new-newsflash:

God's got it all in control.

Shalom.

Ummm... Ummm... Ummm... Ummm...

Now listening to: The Drone of an Oscilating Fan by LASKO

Well, well, well, it's me again. No surprise to you, of course...
So I definitely had to give a presentation today about pastoral care and anger management. I had spent basically most of last night preparing stuff to talk about and to show to the class, but never really rehearsed it... which screwed me over. I got up there and started talking, glanced at the clock 5 minutes later and thought, "I have way too much stuff here to talk about." Immediately the little worker in my brain panicked-- running through the information stored in my head for this situation, sorting through what was most important and what needed to be unmentioned, and using the word, "Ummm," excesively. So excessively that one student counted over 16o times I said "Ummm".
Wow. It's surprising that I haven't noticed this any sooner. I had another instance where a friend told me in a jerkish way that I said "like" too many times. I don't know what my deal is. This makes me think of when I criticize other people's sins/mistakes. I can obviously see that they're doing something wrong and what they need to do to fix it, but for them it is different. Just like with my like/ummm fixation. I didn't even know I was doing it at first, AND even when I found out, I still can't totally fix the probably instantly.
And, I can apply that to the endless list of other faults I have. For example, I am a jerk. I am unsympathetic, blunt, rude, mean, etc. Is it because I don't like people? No. I love people so much, it's just that I suck at looking and sounding like someone who cares- especially when someone judges me by first impression.
Now, I know I have this fault, but fixing it instantly is quite hard you see... And what makes it harder is tha even if I do fix it, it takes a long time for people to notice since they've grown accustom to the jerkish me. Just because I change my ways in one day, doesn't mean I am a new person to everyone else that day. I have to live out my new life and saturate the new me into others' memories and lives.

Every moment I need to realize that when a struggle is brought into my life, I have to choose. Whether I'm going to move towards or away from God. Now, that is harsh, but I think in making it that harsh, it helps us realize the weight of our decisions and the sacrafice for following Christ and pursuing God.
Well, I had written a lot more, but the computer keeps stinking messing up- so I guess God doesn't want me to say it.
shalom.

Blasted Broken Computer!!!

Now listening to: Sea Change by Beck

Okay, so it's been a month almost since i have written in this thing. i'm sorry to those of you that enjoy this (which is probably just me). i'm writing this blog in the library computer lab, because my computer will not turn on! What the heck!?! This just adds to the list of financial crap that i have to (and can't) pay for. i owed 400 bucks for taxes-- What in the world!
i would like to say i don't deserve this, but i do. Not being smart, i went to France for Spring Break because i thought i had saved up 400 extra dollars some how-- i am an idiot.
Anyways, i had some sweet things to write about this month, but like everything else that's important, i forgot what i was thinking about.
Had focus group Thursday night... Got to verbalize my stuff... And i realized that i'm in one of these moods where i don't know if i can think and can't think even more if i try to think... that's depressing. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?

Complacency.

It's the best way i can describe why i might possibly feel this way.

Why has this happened?
Well, here's my formula (i think).

Take one passionate, compassionate heart.

Add a pinch of depression.

Add a handful of comfortability.

Put in a pound of cultural influence saying it's okay to have more and more.

Throw in some pain (physical, emotional-- whichever not preferred).

Dash it with confusion.

Put in a little more pain.

Now, just stir it all together until you get this mess.

Bon Appetit!

Have i been too focused on following God's will?? Have i been waiting and asking too much??

God is all i need... then why do i just feel like this shell of a being?... as if i'm just looking at a picture of what is in front of me and all noise has turned into faint silence...

i am not normal. Right? The only way i can find out is if someone tells me.

This journal is the window to my mind and heart. You can look out the window, but you cannot ever fully enter, for if you do you will fall... And it will hurt and you will be lost more than before. So, for now, you may try to make sense of the mess past the glass while you sip your beverage of choice and wait for the allignment of those...

Shalom.