tie me up, untie me by mewithoutyou

"I was looking at the leaves, climbing to the tops of the trees, but you were nowhere to be found; Just beneath all the green you were buried like a little seed among the roots and underground. I was licking at the leaves, but I was in short sleeves and you, you were like some sickness that I caught. My sweet heart moved away, swept off like garbage in the alleyway.
And I need more grace than I thought.
Oh, please, brother, I am far. Brother, I am far away. Brother, I am far away from everything. Oh, brother, I am far. Brother, I am far away. Brother, I am far away from everything good!
She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me while I follow like thread. Tie me up! Untie me! All this wishing I was dead is getting old. It's getting old!... it goes on, but it's old.
I was swimming through the waves for what must have been days, but could find no relief. When I started sinking down I thought for certain I would drown, until I saw you in the ocean underneath all the bright colored fish tell of a treasure in a dull shell. Such subtlety, so easily missed. You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love, and I'm the living example of 100% the opposite of this.
If I ask the same questions. Well, yes, sir, I ask the same questions. Well, maybe I repeat myself from time to time. But if I ask the same questions... and then I know I ask the same questions, It's because everyone who answers me is a liar!
She's like the hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me while I follow like thread. But, you untied me... didn't You untie me, Lord? And I haven't even thought about killing myself in almost five months."

you need Jesus... i need Jesus.

you know what i hate?
i hate the fact that the phrase, "You need Jesus," has become offensive to hear.

it may be harsh to tell somebody that he or she needs Jesus, but i believe it is the truth.

I NEED JESUS.

does that mean i don't have Jesus?

i would say, "yes and no." I believe in Jesus and i want so bad for him to be more real in my life, but a lot of times, i don't even think about Jesus. i do not like that about myself, but i am just being open and honest. i would venture to say that most people (even Christians) are lost a lot of the time. And by lost, i mean that they don't see Jesus, or don't hear Him, or aren't looking for Him, or listening to Him, or can't find Him, or whatever that time in one's life is labeled as. If we are lost, what are we lost to? Jesus? I don't think so, i would say that, sometimes,we lose Jesus. If we were perfect, we wouldn't, but we're not perfect. That sucks, but the truth it is. And when this happens, what should we do? Need Jesus. Yearn for Jesus. Struggle and search for Jesus.

am i saying that somebody can or can't lose their salvation?

i don't know. i don't think so, but who knows. i think it's far more necessary to ask ourselves how we live a life where we don't have to wonder and can just know. i'm not as elloquent with words as you may think, so i would do a horrible duty of defending either side of this argument.

so, i'm sorry if i offended you, but you do need Jesus. i mean it out of love and i know it doesn't seem that way, but that's because i tend to be an a-hole most of the time when i'm not thinking about what God wants me to say. i'll try not to be an a-hole so much, but it's really difficult for me becaus i don't think much. i really do mean this out of love for you, for myself, and for God.

shalom.

one at a time (?i don't know. i just wrote and let it come out)

now listening to: in rainbows by radiohead
(this is amAzing!)

i am here, i am here, i am here, i am here, i am hearing everything, but am i ever listening, listening to myself, i can't hear myself thinking, thinking of all the times i was not perfect, all the times i made mistakes, mistakes built up like sand castles, brought down by crashing waves, waves hello, waves goodbye, waves of heat, they all come crashing, crashing windows, crashing walls, crashing hopes, hopes of what is yet to come, come by when it wants, it wants nothing more than that, that it could come by, bye, bye, bye, as we all sigh, sight and sound surround this whole town and brings us down, down the hill, into the city, the lights are ignoring the sidewalk today, today will only come when it is passed away, away with you, away with you, you gave all you had to, all you had to say was "take all this away", did you, or did you stay, stay and remain calm, one at a time, single-file line, please, one at a time, we all sing together, one at a time, let it all out, shout if you have to, one at a time, time and time and time again, make everything your best friend, except your best friends, no sense, no sense at all, all at once, breathe, scream, and sing, one at a time, time to think, time to remember what it was like, like you, like me, like when this was all so easy, like and dislikes given so easily, easily forgotten how rotten things can be, be calm, calm down, down to the city, walk the streets, follow the sidewalk, remember to breathe, all at once, one at a time, time is enough, enough of some goes a long way, a long way to go, way to go, you made it this far, all to do now is to do the same, same as you done, done thus far, all at once, one at a time.

shalom.

easy life, hard times.

life can only be easy if we desire it,
and, even then,
life may not seem that easy for ourselves.

times are hard. that is true.
but life is a choice.
that choice can be easy or hard.

to me, it seems that every moment consists of three basic choices:
we can live and fight for what we believe.
we can run from and ignore what we know is true.
or, we can give up, feel sorry for ourselves, distract ourselves and not do anything.


i pray and hope that i, as well as you, start choosing the foremost.

shalom.

attempt to assinate the stars

my belly is getting bigger,
sitting in this prison,
my mind has created for my heart.

i wait, i watch, i bleed.
i worry, i whine, i weep,
for a finish to what won't even start.

point my gun to the sky,
frivolously firing.
bang. bang. bang.
nothing to ricochet these bullets.
try to assassinate one of the sterling silvers.
these bullets will grow weary, though,
and return to the earth beside my feet.

anger at beauty
looks more like the opposite.
bang. bang. bang.
since i aim so high,
bullets are only sent away,
so that they may come back
and kill me.

ambitions are misled and masked.
they appear passionate and resilient,
but are simply the heart lashing out at its owner.

shalom.

repent for the kingdom is near and at hand

Repenting is a lot harder than we think it is. Most of us believe(d) that repenting is just this 5 second interval where we put are hands together, close our eyes, and say/think, "God, i'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Repenting, i found out later, is actually, "a changing of one's mind and actions." To actually change the way we are and the way we usually react to situations or people... it's revolutionary/simple/annoying/tiring. Especially, if the old way was to just let the problem fix itself. And it sucks when we don't know if anyone will ever even notice our small repentance, but, then again, we suppose that is not the point.

My example is my encounters with my sister. She is awesome, but we argue friviously. We are too much alike sometimes.

I hate that she hurts. I get so mad at the anger and sorrow in her, that i, in turn, just snap out in anger back, because that's the way i thought one fixes problems. It never helped. It never got better. So, i had to go outside and think about this. Maybe my way of fighting for her looks like fighting against her. Maybe my heart for her is not being told from my actions. Maybe i am wrong a lot. Maybe i need to step up and apologize to her. Maybe i need to speak up. Maybe i need to quit telling myself i'm loving her enough and start telling myself how much i could love her more.

The thoughts start swirling, and then...

BAM!
my head hurts.




shalom.

p.s. i got charged by a skunk last night as my epiphany to change occured.