Part 2 of a Pendulum Writing

On the lighter side of things, I am getting pretty stinking tan.
I still haven't received a pay check.
I lost my cellphone.
I have learned how to "handle with care" at work, which means I have learned how to be a humble bad ass (if that exists... well, actually Jesus was, so, then, that is a correct match of adjective and noun) and restrain youth.
I have eaten for free for a very long time. That is a blessing, but my belly is getting a little too pudgy for comfort. Literally, it's hard to sit up straight.
I went to a church service for the first time in lots of months. I enjoyed it.
I rode my bike across town. Painful, but very empowering.
I get to see the love of my life approximately 5 days.
I miss her so.
She is, honestly, my best friend, which I never thought a girl could be my best friend.


Yeah.
Mushy.


SHALOM.
Sorry Mr/Mrs Anonymous for being so snappy,
but you did something worse than hurt me,
you almost crushed every reason to believe in myself.
I couldn't let that happen.
It's taking a long time for me to finally believe in myself,
And, I don't want that taken away again.
I hope you understand.

I'll Write Shalom If I So Please.

Honestly, who ever wrote the comment on the last blog.... that just made no sense about my childhood friend controlling my feelings... and it makes me not want to write at all.

I don't care if I sound negative. Life is negative a lot.
I don't care if I sound depressed. I am depressed a lot.
I know I say shalom. I have learned to have peace in my life. Sometimes I don't have it and, then, it is something to aim for- a prayer. So, don't criticize me and ask me why I say shalom when I'm writing "negatively". Much of the Bible doesn't fit together and "contradicts" itself, but I don't hear Christians giving the Bible advice. That's because may contradiction, is the only thing that can explain/express certain things.
If that is a contradiction to YOU, then that is okay. But, it is not a contradiction to me.
I do not need advice every time I speak. I am not stupid. I am not scared.
I don't know why people I know seem to always give me advice, when I never asked for advice.
I just simply want to be listened to because I am simply writing.
I don't care if everyone understands me. I didn't start a blog for everyone to understand me.

Maybe this is why I feel like I don't fit in with anyone anymore.
Sorry to ramble on, but honestly this is how I feel.


SHALOM.

To Many

Now listening to: The Appleseed Cast

Too many video games.
Too many drinks.
Too many meals.
Too many complaints.
Too many doubts.
Too many judgements.
Too many conveniences.
Too many reasons not to.
Too many ambitions.
Too many misconceptions I give to others.
Too many people on the same "too many's" as me.

Shalom.

Now listening to: The Soft Drugs



I don't want to do anything.

no.


not anything.


shalom.

The sky hasn't fallen asleep for weeks.

Still

We become different people.
For short.
For long.
It happens.
Sometimes others cannot deal with it.
Sometimes they blame themselves.
Maybe I do,
but that is irrelevant.

I only know right now,
that if this person changed,
I would still love her.
And I don't see anything changing that.

shalom.

This is the Jubilee of my Soul

I feel as if life is supposed to be aimed.
Like cross hairs on what our ultimate purpose is.
I used to always check where I was aiming before I shot.
Now, not so much.
I need to get back to that.
And, quit "wasting time" in the biggest sense of the word.
I have been too worried about making myself a martyr.
I have missed the point.
Where grace, true grace, and love, true love, meet.
Steady.
Aim.
Fire.
I see today finally being different.
I haven't seen a day like that in a very long time.
This is the day.
For me to have an excuse to stop being to apathetic.
This is the day.


Shalom.

I Am A Sorry Mess

I never felt more at fault then at that moment.
I never wanted to rescue someone more then her.

And I just drove
Three hours away,
Then six more.

I hurt someone to the point of destruction,
then decide to mend things.
I only have epiphanies on the eleventh hour.
I finally understand how to be there for someone,
then leave.

Why is it that?

I am no martyr,
But I sure try to act like one.

Shalom.

Now listening to: Headphones



I've got like a REAL job.
Woah.
Two 11 hour days..
Booyah.
Ummm... now I sleep.
ZzzzzzZzzzzz...


shalom.

Doubting Others' Intentions

How come we question the love from the people that love us most?
It's not accountability.
It's something we convince ourselves that is a "calling to more",
whatever that may mean.

Maybe we all just push everyone away for no reason at all.
Maybe we disguise this by pulling people close, then push them away.
Maybe we are handicapped to being perfect and we are totally ignorant.
Maybe humans have no reason to be trusted because they are not perfect.
Maybe we have decided not to love because love seems to always end or fade.
Maybe we try to test others' love so we know it's "real".

Or, maybe we need to say the hell with everything that prevents love from occurring.
And, maybe we need to stretch ourselves out to others over and over and over again--
Just assuming that the good in their hearts is true.

Because, all of the reasoning to not do so seems to be making me depressed, lonely, and pessimistic about this life, world, and purpose here.

Shalom.

It's been a week.
Birthdays have passed. Fourth of July has passed. I started working.
I've been burnt out from social activity.
I've been tired.
I've been tiring.
I've been hurt.
I've been hurting.
I've been misunderstood.
I've been misunderstanding.

How do you show what love truly is, especially, when you know you have trouble discribing it?
"Just living it out" hasn't seemed to work.
Attempting to explain it hasn't seemed to work.
Telling of where I've come short of it hasn't seemed to work.

I could be wrong.
I am most of the time.


shalom.