Work, Sleep, then Work

I can't believe I was at work 8 hours ago and am about to go back.... dang.
I was having a weird dream.
I was working at the youth center,
then I got lost and scared.
I found myself in a unit where a kid chopped another kids hand off in self-defense.
I remeber thinking, "How could I ever restrain this crap?"
I went to take a break in the woods.
Me and an Indian couple were smoking amazing cigarettes that we bought together.
Finally I saw my friend, Dan, walk past and away from us to the road.
I asked where he was going.
He gave some bullcrap answer.
Then, I yelled, "You know what I think? You're just afraid!"
The End.

Why are my dreams so detailed?
It's like they're more real than my life when I'm awake.
Maybe I'm Neo.
Maybe not.



Shalom.


p.s. I like my job.

Free Write of My Mind

I realized Anderson is the place I've lived longest.
I don't like the sound of that.
Maybe others do. That is fine.
I don't feel like it's a home town.
I don't know. I love the people here.
Leah still needs to finish school.
I need to pay bills.
I can't pack up site and leave immediately.
Well, I can, but it wouldn't be too smart.
So, how do I learn to love a place that I've hated 98% of the time?
I love how everyone told me that the friends you make in college are the ones that last a life time. I certainly believed it. I was very close to them.
Once our senior year came around it was a different story.
I miss them.
I feel I am too different from them.
Then again, I feel I am too different for most people.
I am unique.
Just like everybody else.
I probably just insecure.
Most people are insecure.
I need to break the cycle.
I am sick of not searching for Jesus like a desperate dog digging in a rabbit hole.
With time comes change.
With change comes knowledge.
With knowledge comes ability.
Enough time has passed for me.
There is an answer somewhere in my heart to all of this existential malarkey.
I shall find it.

And, meanwhile...
I'll brush dem haters off.a

shalom.

When Will Everyone Stop Focusing On How They Are Such A Victim?
Myself included.
And yourself included, too.

Life is tough.
That should not stop anything.
Being a martyr for martyrdom's sake is stupidity.

Shall we stop hindering what this life is actually capable of?
I sure hope so.
Myself included.
And yourself included, too.


shalom...

Up and About

Now listening to: Sufjan Stevens

"On the floor at the great divide,
with my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied...

i am crying in the bathroom"

There is so much in this life to worry about.
There is so much of this worry to use at any one's expense.
Especially our own.
Worry is more abundant than money.
Worry is less fulfilling swallowing air.
Yet, it is spent and consumed like a drug.
When God comes down on my face like a ray of sun,
I cannot imagine what will come.
I can only feel my face soaking up the burning heat,
In the most glorious of ways.

"Oh, the glory that the LORD has made,
And, the complications when I see his face in the morning in the window.
Oh, the glory when he took our place,
But, he took my shoulders and he shook my face and he takes and takes and he takes."

Shalom.

I wrote this at work. It's very Mewithoutyou influenced:

It seemed so easy how you led my blind eyes astray. What did I expect from a blind man guiding the way? Like a felt-tip marker on a Bible page, my foolish words of ignorance and rage bled through the message we've believed for billions of days. No longer literate of parable and praise. Only jet black stains translated into foolish paraphrase. Now, at this eleventh hour, when there's no truth to read... I realize how much more of my silence the world actually needs.




shalom.

Direction of Life

Now listening to: City and Colour

I'm starting to wonder where everyone is going.
Not in a heaven/hell sense, but maybe,
because heaven or hell, I believe, are the lens into which we see this life.
But, I think I mean more in a way of what someone wants.
That's become very interesting to me in the past 24 hours.
I just want step up to someone,
raise my head,
and solemnly say,
"What do you want your life to be?"
And if that evokes a passion to assist them,
then so be it.
But, if they just need to let someone hear what they truly want,
then that is just as well.

So, to the random Internet hitchhikers and wanderers of the web,

What do you want your life to be?

I just want...
shalom.
In the deepest sense of the word.

SHALOM.

World

"In the world I see, you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway."
-- Fight Club

I see nothing of this world.
I really wish to.

shalom.

Proximity of Hope

Can I plunge
my hand
into the earth
and stop
the world
from spinning
out of control?

When I'm where
I am right now,

yes.

I believe so.

My vision is clear by one thought.
My proximity of hope.

shalom.

w h e r e i a m .

Honestly,
am I separated from everything?
Because,
it feels that way whenever I look at my life.

I can barely remember how to "get back",
or what it even means to do so.
I know I need to start over.
Head to new point of perspective.
I believe I shouldn't look through my eyes anymore,
but how do you see new hope, new life, new faith,
without the eyes embedded in your face?

True repentance is true change.
God's hand is needed.
First I must find that hand.
My plan for "following Christ" has been set in stone
because of my stubborn mind,
but the tablet needs broken.
Blank prayers are thrown up.
Silence is horrifying.

Every person stumbles through a desert sometime.
Not everyone leaves.
May I not be the doubtful one to say,
"We have no idea what a different place looks like.
It may be dangerous.
It may be fake.
It may be desolate.
It may be worse.
So, I'll just stay in the desert
because this is the way it is
and the way it is what I know."
May I not be the cautious one,
who waits for the promised land to come,
who takes joy in living in misery,
who lies awake hating the desert I am in.
Rather,
Let me be the one who blindly follows
what seems to be whispers
into a journey that is unknown.
That is my prayer.

shalom.