We Can't Be Who We Used To

Now Listening to: Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie

"You may tire of me

as our December sun is setting

because I'm not who I used to be

No longer easy on the eyes

but these wrinkles masterfully disguise

The youthful boy below..."

I have so many reasons to be bitter.

I take 'em while I can get 'em.

Everyone knows that about me.

I will take the first chance to be bitter.

That's what I do.

I really don't want to be that way.

But, I deserve the right.

"... who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end..."

When my mind wanders,

I usually think about how C.S.Lewis said

that bad people say they are not so bad

and good people say that are no good at all.

"... But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize

When he catches his reflection on accident..."

It's relation to "what we deserve."

For example, "I've had a rough day.

I deserve a cigarette,"

or, "I'm not a morning person.

I deserve to be left alone."

We tell ourselves we received a poorly dealt hand, somehow.

Then, we let ourselves sell ourselves short.

We compromise,

because we convince ourselves that,

"it's only because..."

finishing the ellipsis with a tragic equation

that equals our lack of patience and will .

"...On the back of a motor bike

With your arms outstretched trying to take flight

Leaving everything behind..."

We dream. We ask, "What happened?"

We remember that something about us that we liked.

We remember relationships were a certain way.

We remember believing in something worth believing.

"..But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete

In the city where we still reside

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men..."

We have "deserved" so many things, yet they have ruined us. Left us. Erased us.

Things won't be the same. It's not going to happen. We can't go back.

That does suck.

BUT, there is always a way to yell, "clear," and rub the electronics together.

A quick jump-start for a ripped and mended heart.

Not quite the same, but just as alive as it used to be.

"...Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed..."

Shalom.

Oxymoron

My Wife and I are 80,000 in debt because we wanted to be smarter.
How smart is it to spend that much money, when you never had any of it in the first place?
"...but, everybody else was doing it..."
oops.

Go America.

I'm tired of spending. That's all we do. That's the basis of almost every hobby. Video games. Computers. Phones. Clothes. Music. Cars. Beer. College.

Our society is based on money. Without it everything falls apart. That is just honestly sad.

I've thought about the middle ground of this money issue for a very long time. I've tried to tell myself not to be extreme about it.
BUT,
money just screws it up for us.
We tell ourselves that we need money to survive.
(i.e. "If I had enough money to take care of ______, then I would be able to survive.")

If we do need money to survive, then how am I alive? I have 80,000 in student loans and like 150,000 in hospital bills. I am negative money, as are many of us. Are we dead? I think we're told that we should feel death approaching when money is not found. I think we're given the idea of money being hope, love, happiness, responsibility. If it had no meaning, how would anyone get rich? Ahh... without being rich someday, what's the point of life? What's the point of life, if I can't "live it up" someday?
If money helps life going on, then what am I?
I surely am not dying.
I act like I am sometimes.
I am just very sick.
I am not dying.
We all aren't dying.
We are just expecting to die.
Which is worse for the spirit.

My G-d, my G-d, why have we forsaken ourselves?

shalom. shalom. shalom.

we are all hypocrites,
we just fly different banners.


shalom.

I find myself drawn to write on here.
To speak about the mistakes of life.
To address the hurts of us.
To turn to something.
But, i find no logical answer other than, "I want to boost my self-esteem."
The internet is being raped by people with good intentions.
We can blame everybody and ourselves for helping.
Oh well,
I think the truth is, that real change is going to to happen when I get out of this seat and stop typing.
That' my cue.

Shalom.

Everyone keeps thinking that I'm just locking them out,
but actually I couldn't figure out how to shut down this blog.

I no longer wish to pursue this.

Farewell and good luck to you Internet-writers and readers who choose to continue to do so.

Shalom.

We Without Hope

I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.


But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.

My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.

But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"

We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.

That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.

I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.

shalom.

MUTEMATH - Spotlight


Good music.
Shalom.