I find myself drawn to write on here.
To speak about the mistakes of life.
To address the hurts of us.
To turn to something.
But, i find no logical answer other than, "I want to boost my self-esteem."
The internet is being raped by people with good intentions.
We can blame everybody and ourselves for helping.
Oh well,
I think the truth is, that real change is going to to happen when I get out of this seat and stop typing.
That' my cue.

Shalom.

Everyone keeps thinking that I'm just locking them out,
but actually I couldn't figure out how to shut down this blog.

I no longer wish to pursue this.

Farewell and good luck to you Internet-writers and readers who choose to continue to do so.

Shalom.

We Without Hope

I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.


But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.

My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.

But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"

We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.

That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.

I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.

shalom.

MUTEMATH - Spotlight


Good music.
Shalom.

Now listening to: Feist, Ra Ra Riot, Sufjan Stevens, Peter Bjorn and John, Explosions in the Sky, and things of such manner...

A beautiful girl and a shy sun convinced me to wake up.

Shalom.

Poverty, Hope, Peace, and Love

Now listening to: Nas, Lupe Fiasco, Common, The Roots, and Kidz in the Hall

I can finally walk around and sit up in a chair. I got to go to my first restaurant in months last night. It was so amazing.
I'm still leaking, though. The whole keeps getting bigger. The pin-prick on my taint is now turn into a gaping whole that a pen or pencil could fit into. I hope it doesn't keep getting bigger.
Other than that, money.
I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in August. I just hope I'm able to work soon and that we can make enough money to start living without always borrow cars and what-not from friends. Plus, rent and loans need paying for. I always face the huge fear that many people do not understand. If I get a job that does not supply supreme insurance, I will get sick and could possibly die again.
Poor people have to make the decision of either working and paying bills while being extremely sick, or getting medicaid while not being able to pay rent or bills.
Some middle-class citizens try to tell me that poor being are the ones screwing up this system and they, "just need to get jobs, stop procreating, and keep their kids from being criminals."
Well, I'm poor. The system doesn't supply, doesn't create, doesn't fix, doesn't help. IT IS SIMPLY THERE. A conundrum of begging on your knees like a dog and being told, "If you try to do your own thing, we will abandon you the second you try."
I don't know what the answer is.
I know there is an answer.
I just am too blind of a sinner to see it at the moment.

Giving up on any hope, peace, and love is lazy and a bigger sin than we think. It's a sin that lets people die. It's a sin that puts people into slavery at cents an hour. It's a sin that sends us to covet our best friends and neighbors. It's a sin that sends us into a judgmental abyss. It's a sin that lies to us into thinking we're not that bad.
I'm not saying to make sure you see hope, peace, and love no matter what happens.
I'm saying to make sure you don't give up on trying to see these things.


Shalom.

Yesterday was an better day than most, lately.

Things are seeming to get a little better.
I walked around the grocery store for half an hour (more like just leaned on the cart with as much as weight possible-- but I'll take what i can get).
I did dishes while standing up for about half an hour (and thought I was going to pass out afterwards).
I'm not bleeding as much and I don't have to take as many pain pills.
I just can't wait until I'm able to sit up without bleeding all over myself.
The doctor said he's not sure how long it will take to heal up.
I just want to be in a condition to have a job, honestly.
Loans, food, and trying to plan a wedding by the end of the summer seems impossible from my perspective at the moment.
I couldn't sleep last night.


Shalom.