Caution: Freudian Slippery When Wet.

Are you a person who thinks there is meaning to everything?
Click and clack at the very keys that are aloof before me to dissect this.

A professor I had once drew a circle on the black board, turned around, and very monotonely said, "If this is your life, then how much of it is God concerned with?"
"All of it," because that is the right answer (Just in case someone asks you).
"What about the parts of it that you hate, like class?"

It's this conversation that I take in my mind and put in the basin on the side of the balance labeled, "Every occurrence has meaning or purpose."
Imagine how life would be if you would believe that every part of your life has the opportunity to point to its ultimate purpose. I think that would be wonderful. I think that would make everything make much more freeing, in the sense that there is always something to look for even when life seems to leave us too dead to open our eyes.



The other side labeled: "Everything is coincidental."
I don't like suffering. Unfortunately, I learn greatly from the times of depression, boredom, and suffering.
I can't speak for others though. Friends tell me of tragedies like being raped or family dying.
I can't say that those things have purpose or meaning, because I don't want them to. I want to cut them out of my friends, paint over them with white or black, and put them back in. Like a magic trick, abra-cadabra, and poof-- they never happened.

shalom.

My Dreams are Weird

Everybody has dreams. I guess not everyone, but most.
Do most dreamers have dreams like me?

I sure hope not, because I have dreams about running away from zombies and shooting them with pencil guns. I sure hope not because I have dreams of dirt roads covered with more milk than we can pick up with our buckets. I sure hope not because I have dreams about motorcycle deliveries through mountains of dried up beans. I sure hope not because I have dreams about all of the trees falling down and I can't step out of the way. I sure hope not because I have dreams about dying and watching people die. I sure hope not because I have dreams of awkward kisses, spanish exclamations, and everyday occurences.
I sure hope not because my dreams don't make sense.

It would explain a lot, though-- a world where no one follows their dreams because our dreams are ever-so intriguing, but endlessly understandable.

shalom.

What We Are

We all are what we are,
We just don't know it yet.
No matter how close, how far,
Or however the light may set.
No matter how depressed, how estastic,
No matter how terrible, how fantastic
We may perceive,
We may demonstrate,
We may believe,
We may angel-sate,
We all are what we are,
We just don't know it yet.

shalom.

i can see...

I can see myself going crazy...

and it is not a pretty sight.

I can see myself going crazy...

and it is beautifully wonderful.

Life's Thread

It's the thread of life

that we must attempt to tight-rope walk on,

with many dangers of falling and missing.

For anything else,

shall remain seen,

as the mundane distraction,

that happens in a circus.

shalom.

Grenade Launcher Slip

Sorry, it was the first set of words that I laid my eyes on today, plus I thought it would be funny to waste someone's time if they decided to look up "grenade launcher" on google or something. Well, the fun is over.
-----
I've started doing this thing again where I sleep away my problems. And, lately my problem is life, so yeah...
I sleep a lot lately.
-----
Christmas is bringing itself upon us again this year. I'm not too excited. I can't help thinking of how we've made a blessed event into a scam to see what good being really greedy will do ourselves. HA.
-----
Anyways...
I'm gonna go.

shalom.

Sitcom Moments and Realizations of One's Ambitions

Now listening to: In Rainbows by Radiohead
This album is scrumtrulescent. Did you know they were giving out free downloads of the c.d.? Well, they did, and now it's too late if you want it.
Anyways...

Ch. 1
I love sitcom-moments in actual life. Do you understand what I mean? Okay, it's those moments when something happens and it just seems like t.v. dejavu. It happened to me last night. I was just standing there, and my mom says, "You're gonna go, aren't you?"
At first, I was thinking, "Is she reading my mind?" But, I tried to bluff and said, "Where did that come from?"
"You just look like you're dressed to go somewhere."
"Oh. No, I'm just comfortable." That was a close one. I almost had to be honest about all the metaphorical bolts in my head that are screwing with my life.

Ch. 2
Last night I went outside and for some odd reason (besides it being close to Christmas) I thought, "What am I going to give people for Christmas?" The first person that came to mind was my brother, Heath, and his saying of how musicians look like bad-asses when they smoke a cigarette while jamming out. I thought of how I could take advantage of his interest in that, but then I just realized that I'm trying to impress him. Why? I could be wrong, but I'm close to sure that he already looks up to me. Then I started thinking about how all my motivation to "do things" with my life involves impressing people. Hahaha... what a low blow to myself. All this time I was simply trying to be famous and masking it with phrases like, "loving God", "loving people", and "changing the world."

Ambition is a misleading greed.

And for some reason, a line from the movie, Fight Club, came to mind:
"It's not until you lose everything, that you're free to do anything."
And, then I thought of Jesus saying something similar. I thought of how he would say to me what I would need to hear from him.
I thought he would want me to be free. I thought that he would take anything I asked him to, if it were to help me approach this freedom.
So, I asked him to take everything.
I didn't hear him say anything and I didn't feel him do anything, but I assume that was because of my limited humaness and faith, so I made myself believe that he took everything I asked him to take, because, deep down inside, I believe God is perfect and, since he is perfect, I think, he would've taken all that I offered to him.

shalom.

life is like food.

now listening to: bullet and a target by citizen cope

Dag yo. Why was I so depressed for the past two days? Oh well, it's not like it doesn't usually happen. My friend called me tonight and I felt better. It's obvious of my position. I'm in an undigestable fork in the road. All of the choices on my plate are good, healthy choices, but I just don't know which one I want. That's been my problem throughout life-- I want my choices on a buffet line, so I don't have to pick and choose my diet of entrees of life that I can inhale.

But, that would be too easy, now wouldn't it?

Of course it would, silly Ryan.

Like most things in life, moderation is key. Choose one thing. Let it take its course through your system. And, if you get hungry again...

eat.


shalom.

If Jesus were me...

I really do think that Jesus was actual person who existed and lived the perfect life-- one full of love. He did not go to college. He was not wealthy. He did not write a book. He lived a simple life and changed the history of the world and humanity.

If I truly believe this, then how do I react? I understand a lot of things that I have done, Jesus would not have done. I have learned from the mistakes that I can make right and learn from, but what about the mistakes that have to do with money? I have tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and even though I have a degree labeled, "Christian Ministries," I don't think Jesus would have spent that much money on that. This is a mistake that I cannot simply ignore. I have a responsibility to pay it off. I think I am rambling on and on too much.

Basically, my problem is this: I can see/imagine what Jesus would have done if he were in my shoes, but I can't see/image what he would do if he were in my shoes right now.

And, I don't really know how I find that out.

I mean, I know I can pray, read the Bible, or just keep "living" out my life and better myself as I look back at things I've done wrong. These things do help me imagine the perfect love of Jesus more than I had before, but he is perfect. That makes me think he would never be in the situation that I am, so then how do I know what he would do? It's hard for me to have a bracelet that says, "w.w.j.d?"

My question is loaded.

W.w.j.d.i.h.m.a.m?

(what would Jesus do if he made a mistake?)

I paralyze myself in this paradox.

How do I see this perfect love with a blurry vision? How do I feel this perfect love with numb hands? How do I live this perfect love with broken legs?

It does not feel like the appropiate response to my need of an answer, but...

I will only find the right answer to my question after I have asked too many wrong questions and guessed too many wrong answers.

shalom.

All I find myself doing is sitting and breathing.

I want to help people in the problem I'm in,
but that seems impossible.

Things are never what they seem, but...
sometimes they are.

It seems that I owe some people a lot of money. What if I don't want to? I'm only joking, because that, my friends, is illegal. I wish I could find some buried treasure under my sleeping bag and pay it all off. Just like that. Bada bing, bada boom.

I'm boring myself and probably you, so...

Shalom.

the who i shall become

now listening to: a place to bury strangers by a place to bury strangers

Memories bring me to the past,
And bug me to be someone I was.
Mangled, innocent, and fast,
And opinionated just because.
,
I ought to let my memories know,
That the who I am now, is the one

Who is far closer to
A who I shall become.
Show everything to everyone

This who shall show.
Right out of me, it's the only who will
Understand this hurting sister, and
Express my yearning and eager love.
.

shalom.

The Infamous "do".

now listening to: "down the line" by Jose Gonzalez
this song is amazing. check it out on my space music or something else trendy and easily accessible.

I didn't have a cellphone all my life. Honestly, I wish I did because I've lost so many friends from a lack of contact. Maybe I just want all those old friends back; not the cellphone.
I was starting to say something... What was it? Oh, yeah: I have a handful of friends I keep in touch with these days. Almost every time a conversation takes place with one of these friends, the infamous "do" comes up. You know the one I speak of. It usually follows after, "What are you going to..."

My response is repetitive: "I don't know."

Here's the thing about me if you didn't know: I try to act like I don't care, because if I don't care then life (or lack there-of) can't bother me, right? Wrong. I know it's wrong because, in my mess of a mind, I am worrying, crying, or just plain angry a lot of the time.

I want to do everything. I want to read books, write books, play guitar, learn to play other instruments, write music, listen to music, make clothes, make art, make stuff, make movies, watch movies, travel, hang out with my friends, hang out with my family, smoke some cigarettes, be homeless, love people, love God, and make some damn money to pay off this hideous debt that is accumulating from college and hospitals.

This would be so much easier if I had the super-power to duplicate myself. That is greedy, I know, but it's not like I want to conquer the world.
Ahhhh!
I don't know. I am incredibly ungrateful for my life, at any given moment. I want to be grateful.
I sit up all night, not able to fall asleep, but just praying and thinking of what the hell will ever make me appreciative of the life I have. Nothing ever happens. I just end up thinking about how I have hurt so many people and been the exact example that I don't want to be: A boy who has grown up and not tried harder, but not because he doesn't want to, but because he has no idea of what to do.

I keep doing certain things, though. I take my medicine. I eat. I play my guitar. I sing. I sit. I smoke a couple cigarettes. I write on this web page.

It's much easier to figure out why you like doing the things you do rather than to not like anything about yourself and figure out how to be someone else.

shalom.

i don't know.
almost everything is pissing me off lately.


shalom.