An hour or so of searching for seminaries, graduate programs, and jobs. Clicking on this. Clicking on that. Typing in things like, "Top Ten..." and, "What is the best...".
I stopped and the thought came: "I am literally lost."
I thought I have been lost for the past several years. Now I realize, I've just been scared or apathetic*.
(*News Flash to you, right? I'm almost positive if you searched main words from the past seven years of this blog, apathetic, scared, lost would be the three most common words.)
If a person were to hike in the woods and suddenly realize he had no idea where he was, would he be lost?
Is he lost if he simply realizes he is not sure where he is?
Is he lost if he commits to keep searching without finding?
One forgets where he is, yet can still find the way he is going.
One travels the, "wrong way," yet can find how to get back to the way he is going.
Now if one were to look around, notice that he knew not of the surroundings around him, then decided to take a seat on the closest boulder, log or hill, would that be considered lost?
This is really not some zen-way of saying, "it's the journey, not the destination..."
What I am trying to state is that staying put, or waiting for life to decide for itself, is not a form of being lost.
That may be good. That may be bad. That is not lost.
Until fifteen minutes ago, my depression, boredom, and lack of value were thought to be affects of being lost.
I am not lost.
I am Ryan.
I work a job to pay off my student loans. I pay my student loans because I realize it is my responsibility to pay for my over-indulgence in education. I struggle to find a profession more practical to my passions. I married my best friend because I want to spend my life with her. I own three cats because I am 27 year old, male, spinster (Who crochets....). I drive a huge car because it seemed reliable. I recycle because my wife tells me to. I don't read the Bible because, honestly, I've just been lazy and, partially, because I do not think reading the Bible determines your status in life. I do not attend a church service because I work on weekends. I watch one movie a day, on average, because they fascinate me; even the bad ones. I believe in a man who was perfect, was love, was God, and is alive somehow. I drink beer and whiskey because I enjoy the taste. I don't make art any more because I struggle to see the impact it will make. I write songs with my guitar because they seem like small prayers that no one shall hear. I live in Indianapolis because my wife is a talented actor. I don't call my long-time friends and family enough because I think to much about my problems. I think about how my life sucks because I want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel sorry for me so that they will feel compelled to solve my life for me.
Ten seconds ago, I wanted this life.
Seven seconds ago, I thought, "I hope I'm not having some manic fit..."
Five seconds ago, I laughed.
Three seconds ago, I felt satisfied with where this free-writing led me.
And Now,
SHaloM.
