I hate compliments.
But,
I love condiments.
shalom.
p.s. Two words: Spicy Ranch.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The Thrill of Hitting the Ground
Now listening to: The Streets
When I was little I jumped off of tall objects.
Off our porch banister, the roof of the house, the metal slide on the playground, the branches on the top half of the tree, the swing at it's pinnacle.
I knew I couldn't fly.
I remember thinking when I was five years old, "..but, maybe I can glide a little..."
I sprained my ankle.
I kept jumping.
I knew I would fall and hit the ground violently.
The fascination was the power of my own weight.
Hitting the ground so hard, I could feel the ground shake under me.
I came from outer space and re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
only to crash upon the ground at maximum velocity-- trying to throw the planet out of orbit.
Now, my right knee hurts when I bend it.
Was it worth it?
Yep.
shalom.
When I was little I jumped off of tall objects.
Off our porch banister, the roof of the house, the metal slide on the playground, the branches on the top half of the tree, the swing at it's pinnacle.
I knew I couldn't fly.
I remember thinking when I was five years old, "..but, maybe I can glide a little..."
I sprained my ankle.
I kept jumping.
I knew I would fall and hit the ground violently.
The fascination was the power of my own weight.
Hitting the ground so hard, I could feel the ground shake under me.
I came from outer space and re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
only to crash upon the ground at maximum velocity-- trying to throw the planet out of orbit.
Now, my right knee hurts when I bend it.
Was it worth it?
Yep.
shalom.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Choices, Love, Hate, and a Smack Right in the Face.
Now listening to: Small Leaks Sink Ships
I've come to a conclusion:
You can't change people.
If they truly want to change, they will change.
If they don't want to change, they will not change.
It is not my ability or duty to make someone do one or the other.
It is only my ability and duty to love someone,
when they make the right choices,
or even when they make the wrong choices.
Love is the answer.
Love does not make someone choose.
I understand this.
So, why am I so pissed off when my friend(s) don't do the right thing?
There's some quotes that come to mind that help me put things into perspective:
"There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people... ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. I have heard people admit that they are bad-tempered, or that they cannot keep their heads about girls or drink, or even that they are cowards... And at the same time I have very seldom met anyone... who showed the slightest mercy to it in others. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others."
-- From "The Great Sin" Out of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The things I hate in others are, in fact, are the things I see in myself that I hate.
dang it.
shalom.
p.s. I took out the parts of the quote about how Christians don't fall into this subconscious trap, because, honestly, I think that Christians make this mistake as well as anybody else. Sorry if that seems to take it out of context, but I don't worship every word he writes, but I do like a lot of his points made. If you would like to read the whole writing I took snippets from, you can go here.
I've come to a conclusion:
You can't change people.
If they truly want to change, they will change.
If they don't want to change, they will not change.
It is not my ability or duty to make someone do one or the other.
It is only my ability and duty to love someone,
when they make the right choices,
or even when they make the wrong choices.
Love is the answer.
Love does not make someone choose.
I understand this.
So, why am I so pissed off when my friend(s) don't do the right thing?
There's some quotes that come to mind that help me put things into perspective:
"There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people... ever imagine that they are guilty themselves. I have heard people admit that they are bad-tempered, or that they cannot keep their heads about girls or drink, or even that they are cowards... And at the same time I have very seldom met anyone... who showed the slightest mercy to it in others. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others."
-- From "The Great Sin" Out of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The things I hate in others are, in fact, are the things I see in myself that I hate.
dang it.
shalom.
p.s. I took out the parts of the quote about how Christians don't fall into this subconscious trap, because, honestly, I think that Christians make this mistake as well as anybody else. Sorry if that seems to take it out of context, but I don't worship every word he writes, but I do like a lot of his points made. If you would like to read the whole writing I took snippets from, you can go here.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My Pockets
I have five pockets.
I use two for my hands, so I don't feel as awkward or as fat around strangers.
I use one for change, but change hasn't come along for a long time.
I use one for plastic cards that seem important, yet I don't feel important.
I don't use the last one. I wonder it's holding-capabilities. It's too tiny.
shalom.
I use two for my hands, so I don't feel as awkward or as fat around strangers.
I use one for change, but change hasn't come along for a long time.
I use one for plastic cards that seem important, yet I don't feel important.
I don't use the last one. I wonder it's holding-capabilities. It's too tiny.
shalom.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Hypocrisy
I wish greatly to see Jesus around me.
I realize, though, that it doesn't mean anything to say I wish that,
because I don't strive to do it. It is a contradiction of words and actions.
I am a walking hypocrisy.
Will I change?
I hope.
Shalom.
I realize, though, that it doesn't mean anything to say I wish that,
because I don't strive to do it. It is a contradiction of words and actions.
I am a walking hypocrisy.
Will I change?
I hope.
Shalom.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Running Away's Metaphor
Now listening to: Pedro the Lion
Now was the time that we had to take.
Then we started hiding,
Like refugees who flinch at the sky.
A paradox.
The sky is the limit.
No.
The sky is the fear.
We let a thing so glorious and beautiful
Scare us underground.
Building our hell.
Trying to remember what the sun feels like on our skin.
Thinking of what the dirty taste of rain is like.
Turning the soil below us.
Never looking up.
Deeper down we go.
Pure safety is almost at hand.
Yet, digging one's own grave
Was never as fun as the popular kids made it sound.
Not getting the hell out of our lives we hate,
Not getting our lives out of this hell we've made cozy,
Not recalling what the sky looks like,
Not asking others how they remember the perfect overhead,
We are the lonely.
We are the depressed.
We are the scared.
We are the worried.
We are the abused.
We are the insulted.
We are the hated.
We are the hateful.
We are the starved.
We are the self-centered.
We are the hurt.
We are the imperfect.
Shalom.
Now was the time that we had to take.
Then we started hiding,
Like refugees who flinch at the sky.
A paradox.
The sky is the limit.
No.
The sky is the fear.
We let a thing so glorious and beautiful
Scare us underground.
Building our hell.
Trying to remember what the sun feels like on our skin.
Thinking of what the dirty taste of rain is like.
Turning the soil below us.
Never looking up.
Deeper down we go.
Pure safety is almost at hand.
Yet, digging one's own grave
Was never as fun as the popular kids made it sound.
And, if we've dug long enough,
We can't remember which way is up.
Feelings of being stuck and lost are reasonable.
Not getting the hell out of our lives we hate,
Not getting our lives out of this hell we've made cozy,
Not recalling what the sky looks like,
Not asking others how they remember the perfect overhead,
is the hugest mistake we make.
We are the lonely.
We are the depressed.
We are the scared.
We are the worried.
We are the abused.
We are the insulted.
We are the hated.
We are the hateful.
We are the starved.
We are the self-centered.
We are the hurt.
We are the imperfect.
We are the people
time has waited for.
But, if we don't have hope,
No one shall.
If we don't stop digging to safety,
the world shall collapse.
Shalom.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
No Juices
I have many shoes.
They help me walk without pain,
And give me support.
I have many faces.
They help me hide from myself,
And give confidence.
I have many friends.
They help me realize how cool
It is to be me.
I have some problems.
They help me humble myself.
Time and time again.
I have a raincoat.
But it is not waterproof.
I'm wet when it rains.
I have no juices.
So, I am writing badly.
It is not helping.
shalom.
They help me walk without pain,
And give me support.
I have many faces.
They help me hide from myself,
And give confidence.
I have many friends.
They help me realize how cool
It is to be me.
I have some problems.
They help me humble myself.
Time and time again.
I have a raincoat.
But it is not waterproof.
I'm wet when it rains.
I have no juices.
So, I am writing badly.
It is not helping.
shalom.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Small Description of My Life in the Past Day
Now listening to: I just went to pandora.com and typed in "The Avett Brothers, Owen, and William Fitzsimmons"
Hello fellow mellow yellow,
I don't know what to take from any of this life that I experience and label "life" anymore. I used to fear that I may become crazy one day, but now I think that I don't have to worry about that happening.
I'm already crazy. That might be an exaggeration, but I do think I'm slightly suffering from frailty of the brain.
---
Intermission
---
I went to the diner with some friends this Sunday. It was the first time I felt like I had returned to the Mercy House (the church I attend in Indiana). I don't even know how to explain why. I spent time with everyone who was present at the diner long before Sunday, but for some reason when these six people sat at a table with me yesterday, I felt the Mercy House. Maybe I didn't feel the Mercy House. Maybe I felt a part of a church that I needed to be in. I wish I could iterate it more completely, but it's hard to iterate feelings. Feelings aren't thoughts. Feelings aren't words. At least, I think so.
---
While I was reading blogs today, I realized that each blog fell into one of three categories: 1. Writing to show one's honest self; 2. Writing to teach some grand point; 3. Writing in attempt to practice writing moving pieces.
I'm not saying one is better than the others. This isn't even an argument. I read blogs because those three categories are something I love to witness in friends and in strangers. I thought blogging was very dumb for a long time, but I don't think it's such a bad idea that everyone has a chance to express what they are thinking. I love the fact that it seems impossible to make a blog that has some other motive. (Well, I guess someone could have a blog that is ridiculous and funny without any point, but I will not add those-we-don't-speak-of to the three categories because I don't like that kind of reading. And, since I have the power to write whatever I wish, I will say that those aren't really blogs anyways. Ha! You can't stop me!)
---
I haven't been able to think about the future in any sense until yesterday. I don't know if it was because I took some of my friend's St. John's Wart, or if it was because another friend told me about an awesome job opportunity, or if it was because someone with a planning-mind showed me the glory of thinking ahead, or if it was a combination of all three, or if it was something entirely different.
---
shalom.
Hello fellow mellow yellow,
I don't know what to take from any of this life that I experience and label "life" anymore. I used to fear that I may become crazy one day, but now I think that I don't have to worry about that happening.
I'm already crazy. That might be an exaggeration, but I do think I'm slightly suffering from frailty of the brain.
---
Intermission
---
I went to the diner with some friends this Sunday. It was the first time I felt like I had returned to the Mercy House (the church I attend in Indiana). I don't even know how to explain why. I spent time with everyone who was present at the diner long before Sunday, but for some reason when these six people sat at a table with me yesterday, I felt the Mercy House. Maybe I didn't feel the Mercy House. Maybe I felt a part of a church that I needed to be in. I wish I could iterate it more completely, but it's hard to iterate feelings. Feelings aren't thoughts. Feelings aren't words. At least, I think so.
---
While I was reading blogs today, I realized that each blog fell into one of three categories: 1. Writing to show one's honest self; 2. Writing to teach some grand point; 3. Writing in attempt to practice writing moving pieces.
I'm not saying one is better than the others. This isn't even an argument. I read blogs because those three categories are something I love to witness in friends and in strangers. I thought blogging was very dumb for a long time, but I don't think it's such a bad idea that everyone has a chance to express what they are thinking. I love the fact that it seems impossible to make a blog that has some other motive. (Well, I guess someone could have a blog that is ridiculous and funny without any point, but I will not add those-we-don't-speak-of to the three categories because I don't like that kind of reading. And, since I have the power to write whatever I wish, I will say that those aren't really blogs anyways. Ha! You can't stop me!)
---
I haven't been able to think about the future in any sense until yesterday. I don't know if it was because I took some of my friend's St. John's Wart, or if it was because another friend told me about an awesome job opportunity, or if it was because someone with a planning-mind showed me the glory of thinking ahead, or if it was a combination of all three, or if it was something entirely different.
---
shalom.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Brains
We all want to figure something out in life.
The thing is, for most people I know, we don't need to figure anything out.
We need to just do what we understand.
Which can be very easy,
but our brains seem very hard to do.
dang brains.
shalom.
The thing is, for most people I know, we don't need to figure anything out.
We need to just do what we understand.
Which can be very easy,
but our brains seem very hard to do.
dang brains.
shalom.
Monday, May 12, 2008
?
Last night I had a dream that my friend killed my brother.
I was crying.
I didn't like that dream.
---
Last night I had a feeling that I couldn't explain.
Leah asked me if I was angry? No.
Sad? No.
Disappointed? Frustrated? No. No.
So, I described the situation exactly as it happened and how I got to this feeling.
Then, I started feeling it again.
And, still couldn't label it.
My brain is too weird, even for me, sometimes.
---
Yesterday was Mother's Day.
I'm glad I have my Mother.
---
I learned that I have the gift of not fighting with someone about packing and moving.
Apparently, it's a big deal.
I don't think so.
---
Two Mice Made of Straw.
The first one tumbling down.
Walkin would be proud.
---
Three snakes on a hill.
With no legs become hungry.
Wait for food to come.
-
Four rabbits with homes.
Go on a journey somewhere.
Coming back with scars.
-
Five dogs asleep now.
Woken by scurries of pests.
Alert the humans.
-
Six humans dreaming.
Of the things they could have been.
The dogs wake them up.
-
okay, that is all.
shalom.
I was crying.
I didn't like that dream.
---
Last night I had a feeling that I couldn't explain.
Leah asked me if I was angry? No.
Sad? No.
Disappointed? Frustrated? No. No.
So, I described the situation exactly as it happened and how I got to this feeling.
Then, I started feeling it again.
And, still couldn't label it.
My brain is too weird, even for me, sometimes.
---
Yesterday was Mother's Day.
I'm glad I have my Mother.
---
I learned that I have the gift of not fighting with someone about packing and moving.
Apparently, it's a big deal.
I don't think so.
---
Two Mice Made of Straw.
The first one tumbling down.
Walkin would be proud.
---
Three snakes on a hill.
With no legs become hungry.
Wait for food to come.
-
Four rabbits with homes.
Go on a journey somewhere.
Coming back with scars.
-
Five dogs asleep now.
Woken by scurries of pests.
Alert the humans.
-
Six humans dreaming.
Of the things they could have been.
The dogs wake them up.
-
okay, that is all.
shalom.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Our Stimulus Soaked Society
It's bizarre to see the kids accumulating upon the Anderson campus.
They're so young, or at least so I thought.
Someone told me that next year the freshmen class in America will be mostly people born in the 90's. How crazy is that? I feel old.
Should I warn them?
Should I tell them that they may never use their "degree"?
Should I yell, "Turn around and run!"?
Should I just let happen what may happen?
V for Vendetta is probably one of the greatest movies ever. It's a little violent, but has one of the most inspirational messages that a movie can have.
I watched it at 4:30 a.m. and felt like I needed to change the world instead of sleep.
We see all of these great movies, read all of these great books, listen to all of this great music, yet...
not much more ever comes out of it.
I can't help but think of the quote in the Bible about how if you hear a great message of truth/love, that you should follow suit in your life and take action-- Giving yourself a foundation of stone-- rather than just listening and doing nothing-- Giving yourself a foundation of sand.
Whether it be an under-breath comment made by a sarcastic friend, an awesome track on a CD, or an impressive speech made in front of thousands of people.
Most (not all) things have some sort of truth in them, which means most things have something to learn from them, which means we have an action to make or a way of thinking to adhere to ourselves from them, which means our lives should look different before and after anything with truth in it comes into contact with us.
Sorry.
I just realized that in this over-stimulating time, watching movies, reading books and listening to music is not always a bad thing (but can be excessive like anything else), but are things that we should actually use to better our minds, hearts, and lives.
If we don't, though, we are truly wasting our lives.
I'm sick of wasting this life.
Shalom.
They're so young, or at least so I thought.
Someone told me that next year the freshmen class in America will be mostly people born in the 90's. How crazy is that? I feel old.
Should I warn them?
Should I tell them that they may never use their "degree"?
Should I yell, "Turn around and run!"?
Should I just let happen what may happen?
V for Vendetta is probably one of the greatest movies ever. It's a little violent, but has one of the most inspirational messages that a movie can have.
I watched it at 4:30 a.m. and felt like I needed to change the world instead of sleep.
We see all of these great movies, read all of these great books, listen to all of this great music, yet...
not much more ever comes out of it.
I can't help but think of the quote in the Bible about how if you hear a great message of truth/love, that you should follow suit in your life and take action-- Giving yourself a foundation of stone-- rather than just listening and doing nothing-- Giving yourself a foundation of sand.
Whether it be an under-breath comment made by a sarcastic friend, an awesome track on a CD, or an impressive speech made in front of thousands of people.
Most (not all) things have some sort of truth in them, which means most things have something to learn from them, which means we have an action to make or a way of thinking to adhere to ourselves from them, which means our lives should look different before and after anything with truth in it comes into contact with us.
Sorry.
I just realized that in this over-stimulating time, watching movies, reading books and listening to music is not always a bad thing (but can be excessive like anything else), but are things that we should actually use to better our minds, hearts, and lives.
If we don't, though, we are truly wasting our lives.
I'm sick of wasting this life.
Shalom.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Monday, May 05, 2008
Alive
Now listening to: John Butler
Something happened to turn this vacation stumbled itself into purposeful trip.
Was it the step I took? Did I change my own perspective?
Was it the fall I had? Did I realize how much of this life I have made has been crap?
Was it the ankle placed under me? Did my friends help me realize that I needed to change through their passion, love, and even their sadness?
My face hit the pavement.
I saw the ground approaching closer.
Yet, I just let go and fell.
I thought, "What's the point of fighting?"
Then,
I woke up the next morning with the pain still there,
But I also was prompted with the question:
"What was I expecting? A facial massage?"
I think a lot of us want to realize the pain we're in and want to feel bad for ourselves.
We don't want what's really at hand--
The fact that we are the ones with the huge imperfections.
We reach out and grab others, saying, "Look at what the world has done to me!!!"
We lift our hands and point, saying, "Why are they doing this to me?!?!"
I'm sick of being this kind of person.
I have no time to show everyone the speck in their eye,
while their is a two by four in my eye.
For the first time ever, I've realized that love is not about fixing.
It's about loving.
Why do I worry about the mistakes of others, when I don't face my own?
If I learn more about the ones around me, wouldn't I love them more instead of worrying about them not making mistakes?
Actions of others do tend to send messages.
But, that message is: "Please, Help Me."
It is not: "Please, make me feel like shit."
So, I'm sorry if I've ever "called" you out and it wasn't out of love,
but just an attack to make myself feel like I was a better person than you.
And, I'm sorry if I've just judged your actions without actually finding out what hurt and without trying to just be there for you.
shalom.
Something happened to turn this vacation stumbled itself into purposeful trip.
Was it the step I took? Did I change my own perspective?
Was it the fall I had? Did I realize how much of this life I have made has been crap?
Was it the ankle placed under me? Did my friends help me realize that I needed to change through their passion, love, and even their sadness?
My face hit the pavement.
I saw the ground approaching closer.
Yet, I just let go and fell.
I thought, "What's the point of fighting?"
Then,
I woke up the next morning with the pain still there,
But I also was prompted with the question:
"What was I expecting? A facial massage?"
I think a lot of us want to realize the pain we're in and want to feel bad for ourselves.
We don't want what's really at hand--
The fact that we are the ones with the huge imperfections.
We reach out and grab others, saying, "Look at what the world has done to me!!!"
We lift our hands and point, saying, "Why are they doing this to me?!?!"
I'm sick of being this kind of person.
I have no time to show everyone the speck in their eye,
while their is a two by four in my eye.
For the first time ever, I've realized that love is not about fixing.
It's about loving.
Why do I worry about the mistakes of others, when I don't face my own?
If I learn more about the ones around me, wouldn't I love them more instead of worrying about them not making mistakes?
Actions of others do tend to send messages.
But, that message is: "Please, Help Me."
It is not: "Please, make me feel like shit."
So, I'm sorry if I've ever "called" you out and it wasn't out of love,
but just an attack to make myself feel like I was a better person than you.
And, I'm sorry if I've just judged your actions without actually finding out what hurt and without trying to just be there for you.
shalom.
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