A penny thrown no more...

The wishing well hypnotizes me.
With out hesitation I reach in to my pocket, or my mother's purse, and begin throwing coins left and right.
I have been told of its magic, and believe if I throw my penny just right and don't tell anybody my wish, it will come true.
So, I toss a penny here and I toss a penny there...

I wish that life was like a movie.
I wish that things could have a perfect ending every time.
I wish that I could always say the perfect, witty line in response to someone else's perfect,witty line.
I wish that I wouldn't have never been hurt.
I wish that I would never hurt anymore.
I wish that love would pounce on me like a tiger and consume my whole life.
I wish that the so-so's were never there.
I wish that I wouldn't dream so much, and would just live happily.
I wish that I wasn't sick.
I wish that I could just forget all the garbage that has ripped part of my heart from me.
I wish that I wouldn't have to make a decision, but would just make one without thinking about doing it.
I wish that I wouldn't overly think and analyze about things or about people.
I wish that I could just be normal!
I wish that emotions didn't determine how well an experience is.
I wish that there weren't problems around to world to worry about, so I could live a perfect life.
I wish that I was romantic, rich, witty, intelligent, strong, courageous, and perfect.
I wish that life wasn't so complicated.
I wish that I just knew...

But, the fact of the matter remains....

Wishing does not make your life any better again,

but just adds on to the list of have-nots in your life.

Make an end to this mesmorizing spell,

of the broken wishing well.

Drop all your shiny pennies to the ground.

and just simply turn around,

And see that there is something in life worth so much more

than throwing so many pennies and making your arm sore.

Shalom.

Dear Mom,

Now listening to: Randy Zwitch

"I never know just what to say... When to look... And when to turn away..."

"And make sure that Beauty is not only skin deep..."

Lately I haven't been able to think. At all............. How does that happen? I don't know.
But I was talking to a pretty girl about it and came to the conclusion, that it's a lot easier to think when you don't try to do it.... So I did that and whuhlah!
I have thoughts. Here they are:

I don't deserve it. You don't deserve it.

LOVE.

No matter where it's from.

True love-- the real love-- is undeserved.

This applies in two major senarios:

1. Love from God.

2. Love from somebody else or love to somebody else.

#1. God loves us entirely. Just as we are. He loves us more than we know.

#2. A true act of love is reasonless and not wanting any rewards.

WHAT IS MY LIFE? All my life, I have not figured it out. I call myself a Christian, yet, again, I am the problem. I have not loved correctly. I have not gone across the right way of receiving love. Here's how I came about learning this....

I'm talking to my Mom and she says she's gonna give me money to help me with paying back my taxes that I owe (which is a lot). I tell her she doesn't have to do it, but I don't tell her I don't need it, because that would be a lie. I started crying. It was so hard to accept that much money. You know why?? I DIDN'T DESERVE IT. My Mom would give me anything if I asked for it, even if she doesn't have much. More than anyone I know, she has shown me real love. I've heard about it so many times. About grace and love and whatnot, but right now I understand it more than I ever have. I have received something that I cannot payback. This may sound so simple to you, but when you experience it in a firsthand situation, you will understand more than ever.

I am totally broken and imperfect. I'm more messed up than you'll ever understand. I have nothing to give, except a responding love to God and a selfless love to my people.

Here I am... All of me...

I always ask, "DON'T YOU GET IT?" but maybe I should ask myself the same question.

God is love.

DO I GET IT?

"sometimes I wish for something more than this."

shalom.

It all falls down...

Now listening to: Across a Wire: Live in New York (Disc 1) by Counting Crows

"Get away from me... get away from me... This isn't gonna be easy..."

I say I am a man, but do I act like one? (You don't have to answer that, because we all know the answer)
I just found out that I'm going to have to give around $400.00 back for taxes. Good thing I have absolutely no friggin' money!! And good thing I already paid for a ticket to France for spring break. How irresponsible am I?? Honestly!!! When will I stop!?!? Who am I?? I didn't think I was that big of an idiot, but my actions are saying the total opposite... What do I do now? What in the world!?! Guess I'm getting a job, if I can find one...
I am a hypocrite, a walking contradiction, a complete and total moron...
I'll just keep letting you and me down over and over... surprise, surprise...
Shalom.

I'm Back! wait-- don't leave!

Now listening to: Illuminate by David Crowder Band

It's very dissapointing to see that everyone is giving up their blogs... I even almost fell for it, but you know what... nuh- uh. not today... I'm coming back just like Mase. So buckle up muchachos!

I have not written a blog for a while... Why's that? Well... I just haven't been thinking about things. "Ryan. You can't not think," is what you're saying, but I'm saying I do it very easily... Life has been going "well". By that, I mean I'm comfortable. OH NO!!! I said it!!! That word... Ya know what that means, don't you?? Life is not good then. If I said life is going well because God is absolutely indescribibly awesome, then that would be alright. But when I become comfortable with my life, then I believe Satan is becoming less worried. Satan attacks us when he has something to worry about (Good Christians), not when we're okay with not glorifying God as much as we can.
I love my floor. I really do. But my actions have not matched my words. Love is an action, so technically I haven't been loving them like I should. I need to get back. Get back to that one time... You know what time I'm talking about? The time when you were absolutely on fire for God and nobody was going to stop you from living for Him? That's where I need to get back. That's where we all need to get back to... It's sad... I look around to my fellow brothers and sisters... I know I cannot rely on them for the world to change, but still... it's frustrating... I just need to get back. Get back to the point where I said I didn't need anything and that I should give all my stuff away... Get back to the point where I would just drop out of school and got to God-knows-where on the drop of a divine dime... Get back to where I had that permeating joy that just rubbed off on everybody and spread like a epidemic... I AM THE PROBLEM. I need to be the solution. "With every passing minute, there is a chance to turn it all around." This is the minute where I will change... I'm not even going to use the word hopefully, because it's so much easier than that.
I'm just don't want to be willing for less, you know? Do you know? Are you willing for less?
Well, there's a world out there... And I'd hate to tell you, but IT'S BIGGER THAN ANDERSON UNIVERSITY! (or wherever it is you are) It's biggger than the same group of friends that you hang out with everyday... I'm not saying it's bad to hang out with your friends, but there's thousands of others hurting and just waiting for you to love them, speak to them, spend time with them that may be awkward, to give them food, to cut wood for them, to help them with their groceries, to just say Hi and smile! I say this almost every blog, but DON'T YOU GET IT?? What are we waiting for?!? "Well, I just need to... Well, I have this thing... Well, God hasn't told me yet..." What does the Bible say?!? I believe it's as clear as day that we are to love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul and to love our neighbors as ourselves... And if you don't, you are full of crap... So, now we come to the end of this blog, but instead of knowing the meaningless stuff I did during my day, you have this choice to deal with.
What will yours be? With every passing minute, there is a chance to turn it all around, but nobody ever said how many minutes you have left to turn it all around.
Make your choice quickly...
Shalom.

I made this into one-ply... Here, you can use to wipe your tears... after I punch you.

Now listening to: Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head by Coldplay

Memory is such a weird thing... Why do we remember somethings over others? "It's your psyche."?? I don't think so... Cuz there's a lot of stuff that I remember that I don't want to remember or are not important to me. But, I guess they could be important to my pysche...
I've noticed lately, I have nothing to say of substance... I am going into a distance from people. From you. Everything is distant. Even my thoughts.
What do I think about?? I don't remember...
Was it worth remembering?? I hope so, but let's be honest... Probably not.
I am happy though. A person has encouraged me without raising my ego... that's awesome and much appreciated.
I do remember thinking about the world... the Christians... the life of ryan dewalt... Ya know what else I though about? How tragic they all are...
ouch-- stop picking at it or it will just bleed more...
I will pick though... What has caused this scar?? How deep is it?? I can only know by picking at it.
"we live in a beautiful world." you think so, mr. coldplay? check.
"I am the problem." you've got a point mr. blue like jazz. check mate.
So, what do I do? There so many problems, but just you.... I propose a change, self (that's what I call myself when I'm talking to myself. You may do the same also if you wish).
Life. Do something with it! Wam, bam, thank you officer.
Put my success in something... In what? The word made flesh guy said it well when he said, "Failure is being successful at something that doesn't matter."
What things that don't matter have I been or tried to be successful at???? (don't be offended, this has nothing to do with what you may participate in that doesn't matter to me and may matter to you...)
Video Games. Sports. Buying "cool" clothes. Being cool. Exercising for the sake of looks. Getting an 'A' in class( :0 Oh no, what did he just say?!?). Seeing the latest movie for $8.00. Being lazy. Judging people (or "criticizing"). Joking. Lying. Complaining. Being a jerk. Acting like a Christian. Acting like I have all the answers. Striving for attention. Being "unique".
Hahahahahahaha.... it's kind of funny... how many of us are so "successful." haha.

Chapter 7 of My Most Memorable Moments

Being a Ninja.
In the days of third grade, you were the man. But you were no man... You were a ninja! Tongoy! We never had to grow up and be responsible, we could just be crazy ninjas that live through the shadows. Now that's what I'm talking about. All you had to do was practice your front flip, make a bunch of paper ninja-stars, and construct sweet booby-traps, ropes, and whatnot... It was so much easier just to being a student only during the day and to be an assassin by night... But watch out for those evil girls and their cooties!!! Run to your battlestations!! And if they almost kiss you, distract them by crying and saying you hurt something, then when they're not paying attention, RUN!!! The sunset will set soon, dinner will be ready, you will sleep, and wake up a child again....

Keep it real.
Shalom.

I'm telling you...

Now Listening to: Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

wrong.
It's like the taste of soda after brushing your teeth...
You know it's not pleasant, but you can't resist drinking again and again...
It's like the waste of a life that you've stashed underneath...
You know it's not pleasant, but you can't resist doing it again and again...

Have you found out?
There's ellipsis on your sentences...
Have you figured out?
There's ellipsis on your future...

Don't put a period before this phrase
Don't even put one after
Rain can easily erase
And clear this disaster

shalom.

like a ton of bricks...

Now listening to: 12 Memories by Travis

I could bother you with my life, but that's not what you want, right? You want the good stuff... The stuff that's on everyone's mind but no one's willing to say... Well, are you ready???

Suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up.

That's pretty harsh to say, huh? Shall I explain or leave it at that?
Well... life is not a bowl of peaches. Life will suck at times. Life will get rough at times. Life will be rough right now maybe. You will stub your toe umpteen times on umpteen different things. You will get sick, have a huge paper the next day, and your best friend will be a jerk to you-- all in the same day. You will get ripped off. Life will get boring. Life will get too busy. Life will get painful. Life will get very painful.

And... this will happen to everybody. Everybody. You are not alone. Pain is a part of life. "But you don't understand my life," you'll say. Well, I know of people being tortured, raped, beaten, and spat upon all in a single day... So... Tell me... Do I need to understand?

Why does this happen?

I do not know.

"Satan would not attack you if you weren't doing something right."

"It's God's will."

"You're being punished."

"You're being tested."

These are some answers that I've heard... But I will not tell you that any or none of them are the right answers. What I will say is....

GOD LOVES YOU. IF HE DIDN'T THINK YOU COULDN'T HANDLE WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, HE WOULD END IT.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of this.

When we ask Him despairlingly, "God, why did You put me through this?!?"

I would hope He would be heart-broken and say, "This is when you were closest to me and you grew the most."

Shalom.