We are okay.

It still surprises me how shallow, fake, bitter, and blaming I can be.
I could make this about people in my life who struggle with these problems.
But, honestly, I'm glad I see it in them, because it reminds me that it's in my own fault.
I am imperfect... all of the time.
Given any moment, I shall ruin that moment.
That is okay.
We are all okay.
This is okay.

Peace and Hope are things that are accepted, that are chosen, that are practiced, that are searched, that are offered, that are denied, that are obliterated, that are killed.
The problem is that we often think that we have no choice to when it comes to peace and hope.
The problem is that we often think that peace and hope choose when they exist.
The problem is that we often think our actions don't affect peace and hope's existence.
We are the problem.
We are also the solution.
We merely have to accept peace and hope, no matter what the world may tell us to accept.

shalom.

i'm in excruciating pain. i can barely walk.
please pray for me.

shalom.

Falling Asleep

I started dozing off and mumbled something.
It was inaudible and was not words.
I don't know why I uttered these noises.

I started dozing off again and said,
"Things will change.
Life will be.
The end is near."

I do not know if it means anything.
Why did I say it?


Shalom.

A Fall of Mind.

I am realizing that I do not belong here.
I am realizing that I hide Jesus from myself...
by denying there is anyway a kingdom of heaven could exist in a world, in a country, in a government so destroyed and meaningless.
Now I know, that to say, "It just has to be this way," is absolutely the antithesis of what Jesus intended for anyone who believed him.
I cannot give up trying to find Jesus Christ in the kingdom he has built.
I need to stop saving things for a place a don't belong.
I need to give away this Idolized empire.
I need to be blunt and say, "I don't want what America wants. I want Jesus. Just Jesus."

Yet, I still have questions with ambiguous answers
What do I do about the tremendous debt that I owe others?
What do I do/don't do about my medical conditions?
Where do I start learning?

I yearn again to be a crazy person who is desperately searching for Jesus Christ.

"...I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am fine..."



Shalom.

I don't know...

I honestly wonder if we are worth being here.
I honestly wonder if we were built to fulfill hope, also.

There is a balance in my mind and I do not know where to put my pebbles.

I saw a movie that helped me see the hopelessness to our world and to humankind's answers.
I think everyone is misled by ambition in some way.
I think once someone believes they have the know-all solution to life, they are wrong.
I think that everyone is missing the greatest point of this life.
If I wasn't true about this, then I would see the world becoming hopeful.
I believe people are trying. But, then again, I do not see trying as means to help.
I believe I do seem some hope sometimes, but I question its existence.
It is difficult to explain.
I am still trying to see God.
It is rather desolate at times.
I do not want to give up. But, shall I change anything?
I do not want to give up. But, does it matter?
I do not want to give up. But, maybe giving up is the point.
I don't know.
Not right now, at least.
I search for a life that is meaningful and that is desperate,
but I do not see it in front of me at the present moment.


Shalom.
Shalom.