"tie me up, untie me, almost wishing i was dead,

it's getting it's getting old. it goes on, but it's old..."

man, i don't know what to do anymore. this is all so tiring.

should i treat someone like a wild stallion? do i just keep chasing something that doesn't want to be caught? or do i treat them like a human being with resposibilities?

i don't know.

i had two and a half days off. nothing happened. a dear friend told me i suck and truly meant it and a girl told me she's not suprised when i mess things up. these two things happened at the same time.

needless to say, i sat on the kitchen floor crying for about an hour.

it's so hard-- pushing in, that is. always streching yourself out to everybody, even when they're not letting you in. the church i go to, the friends i talk to, the girl i like. and it's not like these are small parts of my life. these are the biggest parts of my heart that i care about. Ahhh!!! was this supposed to be hard? did i make it hard? are they making it hard? i don't know.

but i do know that i hurt and i'm exhausted,

but i have to keep on living how i feel i'm supposed to,

right?

shalom.

shalom.

do not be confused, brother,

i may be hurting.
but this time is short.
and my God will overcome pain.

easily.


and i have shalom.
and joy.
i have jesus
and he has me,
so what need
is there to worry.
i know, if i need it,
He will grab me by the hair
and carry me...

to heaven.








shalom.

i almost went to missouri.



too bad.



to hell with your exciting, little ideas....



dan.




shalom.

5 am.

one simple message.
don't know if i should've sent.
didn't know what i wanted,
or what i would expect.

my hopes.
my dreams.
they screamed
for something outside this reality.

but my God,
my God,
what's this mean?
is silence only heard by the proud and cowardly?


shalom.

babies, wake up.

when babies come awake
from their prenatal sleep,
God whispers them to take
baby steps with baby feet.
but this baby keeps dosing off. We
are only remembering when,
life worried more than coffee,
and hanging out with friends.

So, baby, rise to the occasion!!
and dance with me...
For life's got no invitation,
for those still asleep.


shalom.

"The Devil and God Are Ragin Inside me,"

and i'm afraid to admit...



that i'm letting the Devil win.



shalom.

i wish He would answer
the one question
driving bullets
in my eyes and heart.
but that is not
how it works.
and this is
no longer art.



but merely a disaster.




shalom.

it wasn't until working at a gas station through new year's eve/day,
that i realized:

my life is not what i want of it.









shalom.