tightened stomachs and smiles

Now listening to: Pete Schmidt

It's funny that my last blog is so depressing...because immediately following that, I was made happy and have been happy since:)... Hmmm.... just goes to say how emotions play into so much and are so affecting in life (or just in mine).
anyways... i realize i'm a pretty unsympathetic person... not that I want to be mean to people, but when they have a problem, i just wanna tell them what they're doing wrong and quit fooling around or bullcrapping ourselves...
anyways... i got my hair cut...it's short.. it's different...but you know... it's about time for a change in my life...
anyways... i got to spend a lot of time with Audrey this weekend... it's a good thing...very good thing.... but i have realized something that i need to make sure doesn't happen... she was reading me this funny "10 commandments of dating" and one was "thall shalt get a life" which means not to spend so much time with the person, that you don't have an outside life... she's an awesome girl, BUT I can't forget my resposibility to God and to my ministry to others. I'm not saying it's happened, I'm saying I need to remember not to let it happen.
getting back on track is much harder than staying on track, from my experiences in life... I think i need to get back on track in a lot of other areas of life... like getting enough sleep...like eating enough food... like praying... like reading the Bible... like remembering how much I love people... like remembering the first passions I had for God... like loving people...

Roger Wilco.

The eagle has landed.

All these men go

from their nests and proclaim

The world from what they know

3 easy steps. It's all solved.

tell that to him in the mirror

He who's bawled.

Not hidden but untaken

What is the secret of life?

is the easy way right?

deny all that was forsaken

deny all that was forsaken

who i am, who you are...

will i am who i am, accept who you are?

deny all that was forsaken

bleed... bleed... bleed...

time comes down life

life comes down to love

and will yours be?

you tell me

you tell me

that steps 1, 2, 3

are greater than he

are greater than he

that it was pointless to

bleed... bleed... bleed...

Shalom.

Blink- you'll miss it. Don't blink- you'll go blind.

Now listening to: Depression by Ryan DeWalt

What happened?? Okay... I had such an awesome day yesterday (because Audrey is now my girlfriend :)) Things are awesome. So, what happened today?? What happened?? Why does my life have to fluctuate like this so often?? Can't I just be on fire for God and have a good time? Can't I just have a problem that can have a question to it?
"What is wrong?"
"What is right?"
"If I knew, I just might."
"But your answer might change
before the end of the night."
"Well, it's your fight."

It's so easy to have the answer when you don't have the problem. If only I could talk to myself from 3 days ago. He would have the answer. If only God would open the clouds and with his loud, booming voice give me the answer that will suffice for the rest of my life. If only... If only... If only I would suck it up and quit whining about things. Someone starving to death would say, "If only I had the money, clothing, and blessings to you have your 'if only's'... If only you could realize that I'm only gonna have another day to live only if you 'if only' off your butt and just do what you know is right."

shalom.

ch. 6

Now listening to: Faith and Devotions of a Satellite Heart by The Violet Burning

I really do need a hair cut.... I do not know what to do though....should i trim it? should i buzz it short? should i get a mohawk? I have to keep in mind that, honestly, my hair line is somewhat receding... oh geeze... i am old.
This weekend was very good. I got to go to half of a retreat on Friday night...and guess what happened. I took a nap between sessions and I woke up a half an hour into the main speaker's sermon!! Woopsie Daisies. "Sleep. No I never get enough. I'm always waking up tired..." I have not gotten to bed before 3 o'clock a.m. for over a week now... I'm an idiot. It just seems like I don't really need it that bad. I'm starting to feel that way about food too... I eat like one meal a day.... hmmm.... oh right. the weekend. Hung out at the cottage with friends, talked to Emily F. about some really deep stuff till 4 a.m. It was a very good talk. I got to see a lot of her heart. If you don't know her, get to know her!
Anyways... hung out with Audrey a lot :) Went to French class, lunch, had dinner at her apt., watched a movie, studied, talked, laughed :) Everyone keeps asking, "What are you guys?" To our faces when we're together.... It's kind of awkward... I'm sorta leaving her in the wind right now, which is mean to do to anyone... so, I've scheduled a "talk" tomorrow night... I can't tell you the secrets of my plan, but I will fill you in later :)
I'm happy. I'm also sad. At church today, we laid hands on those needing prayer because they were broken... When I looked up and saw two of my guys... I instantly cried... I don't think my guys will ever comprehend how much I love them. I can't bear to see them in times of struggle and pain. They are my brothers.
What if Clocks and Watches didn't exist? That would be stinkin' awesome! Everyone would be so much more relaxed... You could just say meet me over there around mid-afternoon... the tiny OCD wouldn't kick in as much... Think about that revolutionary idea.
Well, this is the worst blog i've written...i apologize.
i could make it better....

Chapter VI of My Most Memorable Moments
Toys. Action figures... especially G.I.Joe...i would conquer the world with those things....booyah...Ninja turtles... Do i need to say anything else?
Legos. I used to have so many legos! My imagination would go bazurk with this things, the limits were endless! I would build super secret service houses, spaceships, guns, swords (and would hit each other with them). Legos are awesome...too bad they're so expensive now :(
That's it.
Shalom.

I am a Broken Guardian.

Now listening to: Garden State Soundtrack

To the daughters of eve,

Do you realize? Do you understand? Do you comprehend? Do you have the slightest hint? DO YOU????? Listen to me now! Listen! "Guard your heart, for it is the welspring of life!" Do you know what that means?!?! Don't lower your standards!! Don't put up with crap that you don't have to!! God is the perfect example of what kind of men you need in your life. You are absolutely beautiful. Amazing in every unique way you were created, why you were created, and how you created. Listen! Now! Listen to me! A man who does not fight for you, your purity, and your every being... IS NOT A MAN! Listen to me! I cannot stress enough. I am here to protect you. I am here to fight for you. I am hear to make sure that God's purpose and plan for you is fulfilled. Can you hear me? Do you hear me? You may see these words, but do they scream in your heart!! I know from the mistakes that I have made, that a boy will break, rip, and steal a woman's heart even if he doesn't know he's doing it. But a man... a man... will respect.... will recognize the value of you. He will love you. He will know that he loves you because God created you in love. DO YOU HEAR ME?? I am one of few left. I am a guardian. And whether you know it or not, I am here to protect you. It makes my heart break. It makes me cry?? I don't think you can comprehend how much it hurts me and makes me so angry... You are my sister. I am here to protect you with my life if I have to. And sometimes that may mean taking myself out of your life. I will always try to keep in mind whenever I can of you, your heart, and my God. DO YOU HEAR ME?? Is your heart listening to this? If he is not treating you the way you deserve "let go, let go....there is beauty in the breakdown"... God is writing his love story for you and your love story for Him. IT WILL BE PERFECT. Trust what I say now if you ever trust anything that has ever come out of my mouth. I am a guardian. My heart is my armor, my God is my strength.
Love, Love, Love.
Shalom, shalom,
Shalom.

What is closer.

Now listening to: The Weak's End by Emery

So, I woke up this morning at 6:20 a.m. to go to the hospital for a sonogram and some bloodwork. Fonzie, my roommate let me borrow his car. I manage to lock myself out of it after I start it and scrape the ice of the outside, thus making me late. Then, I almost get there (right across the street) and the car turns off and I have to push it into a parking lot.

I'm falling faster and bleeding more than I have bled before certain death (this blade will carve a purpose)lingers on the other hand (and make you feel defeated)but I will fight you and victory will be mine in the end. circumstances mean nothing. when it's over we will be heroes. constantly pushing forward without any fear I was angry at God. I shouldn't have, because it's not his fault the car shut off. Life gets hard. I'm sure you know. But, please listen. There is hope. "When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever." (proverbs 10:25) I know I could never know what you're going through, but please remember Jesus Christ and remember how much he loves you and how much he did.

The sonogram was cool and tickled a little bit. I don't know what the results were, but I'm hoping for a girl. The bloodwork wasn't too fun because my vein rolled over and she missed it then preceded to turn the needle sideways until it went into the vein. Ouch. Gotta have a little pain to make things better, right?

It's good to see you(I missed you last night)That's such a lovely color(It goes with your eyes)Before we fall asleep(I just wanted to say)This all seems so easy but there are choices to make
Things got better around lunch time. A lot better.

Now listening to: Garden State, the soundtrack

yeah, I got to finally see the movie everyone's been crazing about... I watched it and I don't know how I felt about it. I'm glad I watched it. I don't want to be corny, but the subject of love is in order. It's funny how many misperceptions there are of love. I was thinking during the movie... My perception has its faults. My experience of love throughout life was a "waiting" love, where basically no action is taken but "love" is there. My father, my friends, and I even thought of God that way. There is waiting, but there is also pursuing and fighting. When they are waiting, it's clear that I need to take part. I wish I would have realized this about 6 hours ago... I had the chance, but but but I'm so bad at this... love.

hopefully I'll be broken and formed again............................shalom.

Circle Circle, Dot Dot

Now listening to: Hide Nothing by Further Seems Forever

Run and Hide
Don't Hide at all

Well, this Saturday we had "Real World at the Cottage". It wasn't really anything like Real World (because we weren't being video taped the whole time), except the confessional room. I can't complain though because I got to hang out with my friends, got to relax, and got to eat something like vomit pudding.

Well, life is good. Life is great. I'm really siked about this semester. I have awesome Bible classes, I'm going to France for spring break (with fine young woman that I am very interested in), I have an awesome floor to be an R.A. on, I think I'm beginning to understand responsibility and discipline and what it's supposed to be in my life, I'll get to get involved with the prison ministry finally, I'm gonna try to learn French, when it's over (the semester) I'll be a senior, and hopefully, I'll have this cool job with Center for Student Missions for the summer. It just seems like a good time in my life.

Like a light from above
you've seen the way I've been living under ground

So last night me, Emily, and Audrey were hanging out and talking and Audge gave us these little psychological questions. Ya know... The ones that are really weird and are supposed to suggest how you view yourself, how others view you, and view other things in your life... Well, well, well... We didn't really know how to translate the "answers", but we did try translate them anyways... It made me laugh, smile, blush, and think... About who I am and how I'll try my spouse and how I'll live life... And it made me think... Is it me, or do we try to always translate things towards our own perception of things? I notice this especially in the Christian community, because we'll always relate movies, songs, etc. To the Gospel of Christ. Are we wrong for doing that? Is that relating "secular"(which is that which is trying to push God out) too to the Gospel? Or does that just show how much we are in love with God? (Like the saying, "you know you love somebody when you start to see their face everywhere") If a person were trying to give the "right" answer, they may, without hesitation, say it was the second choice. I try not to answer the question too quickly, for I do not want to think I am better than I am.

And it won't be long now.

And in time you'll find out...

This heart is yours.

Let it bleed.

Chapter V of My Most Memorable Moments

Magic Tricks. Throughout middle school, I picked up a huge fascination for magic tricks. I don't know why really. Maybe I needed the attention. Maybe it was the only thing that I "had". Everyone else had something they were good at... I would spend hours at a time learning how to perfect a trick so that I could go to school and show off to all of the other kids. I'll admit-- I got pretty good. Like everything in my life, though, I did not try to become really good at it.

It stinks that that's the way I naturally am. Unwilling, unmotivated, and lazy. I talked with a very cool girl about this and I told her that I'm that way because my parents never really forced me to do anything or pursue anything. But, ya know what? The only one to blame. Or am I? Predestination vs. Free will. A conversation that seems to have no end. I'm not to say I support one more than the other. All I know is that it appears that I have control of my present actions, so why don't I act like it. nevermind...

Shalom.

Look at the Stripes of a Bumble Bee.

Now listening to: Give up by The Postal Service

I don't love myself.
Is that a bad thing?
The two greatest commandments are that i am to love God with all of our soul, mind, and strength. And that i am to love my neighbors as myself.
what does it mean, "love my neighbor as myself"? I think it means to serve/love as i would want to be served/loved. I do not see anywhere I am supposed to love myself.
Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed. I love God and He has truly made my life great and definitely worth living for Him. I just don't love myself, or at least i don't think i do. And i surely don't hope i do. I feel like if i love myself, that means I won't be loving God. I love that God created me and blessed me beyond what i deserve. I love God, therefore I want to give glory to Him by showing people his love, which is why I care for people so much. I love people. What i want to do for the rest of my life is love God and love people. With everything I have. I Love You. Loving myself, i think just doesn't fit in there... Aren't i supposed to die to myself, so that Christ may live? Doesn't that mean i'm supposed to kill off all of me that is bad such as sexual temptation, pride, greed, and sloth? Am I Wrong?? If I am, please tell me so.
This is really not a big deal... I think it's just i define pride with a different definition.

Anyways... i feel like i'm ruining something great in my life. Like too many times before, my head takes off running-- over thinking. Then i get awkward. Then things fall apart. I pray that i can prevent this from happening this time. I feel like i've set these standards in my head, that are so hard to keep because they're seen as unloving. But no one seems to get it. I'm trying to show the greatest love that i can-- love with a higher standard-- God's love. But, apparently, i suck at that.

Not Depressed! Really!! Let's talk about something good...

Chapter IV of My Most Memorable Moments
7 11. Saving up what ever money we had during the horrendously hot summers in Virginia during middle school. We'd grab our bikes (including my new freestyle bike with pegs and a gyro that let the handle bars spin all the way around). We'd ride as fast as we could 3 blocks down the street, then turn left and ride another block, then there it would be. With whatever money i would have from my birthday or from what i mooched off of mom, i would walk down the aisles and grab a peppermint patty, some grilled-style fritos, a handful of blow pops, and then.... then i would go to the slushy machine, and pour myself as much slushy that would fit into the cup. After making the purchase, we would step outside and fight the elements of the blazing summer with our heavenly slushies ready to try any new adventure that awaited us for the rest of the day...What would it be? Hide and go seek? Basketball on the street? Go to the secret clubhouse? Just don't let anyone know. Take my hand and follow me............
Shalom.

Behold. The Power of Cheese.

Now listening to: Pretend You're Alive by Lovedrug

The blog has thus to returned to its regular schedule once again!
So, I'm back to campus...Back to my dorm room....Precious dorm room...We've had so many memories together-- wait. No we didn't, cuz I'm a lazy bum. I hope we will have many memories together this semester...
Okay...Change subject... I've been reading Joshua Harris books...So bear with me... It's so funny how nervous a person can make you... Even when you know that that person wouldn't judge you, you still feel like you need to perform your "best" for that person. Well, that's not the real you. Agreed? I think I've realized that the "best" me, isn't so great... But what does that matter?? Me impressing her just proves how selfish and greedy I am. I love and follow Christ wholeheartedly. That means it's not about me. It's all about glorifying God. That means blessing others. Especially when it's someone I am interested in. How dare I try to take that person's eyes off of God? This is a really different area of humility I've discovered in my life.
We need to glorify God, then, in turn, also bless each other, so that each of us may glorify God more...
BAM. "please buckle your seatbelt."
I need some work. Some? I mean a lot. I need to grow up and be responsible. I'm the epitome of someone labeled "Christian". I grew up under Christian settings, but grew up so dysfunctional. "Jesus loves the all the little children," supposedly was my ticket and I didn't have to do anything else because, "hey, no one's perfect." Pfft... God will just forgive me anyways, but how will I forgive myself?
BAM. "we're experiencing a little turbulence, no need to panic, but please stay seated."
Little did I know. Little did I know.... I committed the worse sin of all. I KILLED GOD. God does not "just forgive me". Jesus made himself forsaken-- He took my sin. Everyone of them. He made himself dirty. Guilty. Sinful. For what I had done. "For the Glory of God."
BAM. "we've lost cabin pressure."
Prayer. I love it. But I didn't realize how powerful it was when used correctly. I realized I needed to take action and live accordingly also....Ohhh.... duh ryan.
I feel like the problems I talk about on my blog are so repetitive...
All I know is, though, that to give God glory is what it's ALL about. And if that's repetive to you, sorry. DON'T YOU GET IT? If you do, "Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about."
Shalom.

Isn't it weird how the people dearest to you, can frustrate you the most? Maybe it's because after getting to know them more and more, you start to develop higher standards for them... In my case, my father manages to tick me off very easily when he lets his anger get a hold of him. The man who has basically raised me and taught me Christ has had this fault, or weakness, all of his life, or i should say, my life. All i can think is, "you sit here and yell at me and my brother for not being responsible, then you throw these little tantrums whenever you're the slightest offended, contradicted, etc." Don't get me wrong, i do not think i am better than he, but i'm just amazed that he doesn't correct this by now. Maybe it's a much bigger issue than i can see. I know i have problems and sins in my life that i still can't conquer. Maybe i need to take part in talking to him about it, or have a family meeting about it... I know many times in many relationships, i've had the problem of not verbalizing issues at hand, and that's still one of many things i'm trying to conquer.
anyways...
I had a hernia operation wednesday night around 9:30... yep, in some pain, i'm managing though... been trying to woddle around the house whenever i have the chance... almost got that 5 minute mile ;)
anyways...
my spiritual life's been down a bit, since i've been on break, so if you could throw some prayers up, that would be much obliged. Got to have staff meeting weds. morning with the church staff, they were very encouraging when i told them how depressed i was about the spiritual warfare that goes on at anderson...well, i'll talk more later....love all of you (and even you!)
shalom.

Chapter III

Man... i have this killer ear-ache that came from nowhere! It hurts sooo bad... So, i'm not listening to anything, except: Whimpering like a little girl by Ryan DeWalt

I don't have anything to really write, break is extremely boring... I did have a good new year's over at Carolyn Roncolato's. Some of the m-ville friends were there and they rocked my face off (that's a methaphor, but it seriously happened). Went to Melissa Wilkerson's house with Tiff Coleman and hung out with Kirsten Streit. It was a blast. anyways...

It's hard to tell somebody to change or to quit doing something that is not right. It's even harder when you made the same mistake in your life and it absolutely crushed your heart. In my case, it's my brother. He thinks he is deeply in love, but I know, like me, he has just found someone who cares for the first time. I thought that was love. But love is a lot more than flirting, kissing, or feeling good. God is love. He is the best and perfect example of love. Love doesn't prevent you from loving others. Love doesn't prevent you from loving God. I know, my bro probably feels that he could love no one more than her, because that is the way i felt at one time with a girl.
But, don't you see? That's how great love is. It's so great, that it's unimaginable. I'm afraid that my bro is wasting away the great time he could be using. Instead of spending every waking second with a girl who is not his wife, he could be engulfing himself in God's word and presence, so that he may make himself better for his wife in the future (even if it may be his current girlfriend). We're a society of "NOW! NOW! NOW!" that we can't even see past our own noses. God has so much more in store for us if we wait. "For love is patient..." We read I Corinthians 13 to apply to love, but we never really apply it to our lives.
I am a coward, for I cannot say this to his face, so, bro, if you read this... I say this in love (true love). Because I love you more than you will ever know.

CHAPTER III OF MY MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS
Listening to Music.
I wish i had a good voice to sing with, because i love music so much. Throughout my whole life, any struggle, depression, or whatever came along, i knew that my favorite song felt my pain and knew where i was coming from. So i would play it and let it console me. The sad thing is, i should have had a person to do that with me, but i never really have had a best friend. I've had really really awesome friends...
I listen to music all the time. Actually, i listen to it so much, it's kind of sad. I could be using my life to glorify God, rather than just dwell on somone's words and instruments.
Some of my favorite artists: Wyclef Jean, The Wallflowers, The Counting Crows, Kirk Franklin, Musiq, Common, Roots, Cross Movement, Marsill, Erica Bahdu, Jill Scott, David Crowder Band, LaCrae, Number One Gun, Thursday, Emery, Taking Back Sunday, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie (Thanks for that Amy), Foo Fighters....... Basically I'm half Rap/soul/r&b and half punk/emo/indie/rock/acoustic guitar stuff

so.... new year's resolutions....wanna hear mine?? no?? too bad.
1. Exercise/ lift weights regularly. (who doesn't say that for a new year's resolution?)
2. Pray and study the Word regularly. (what christian doesn't say that either?)
3. Save my money up to go to France. (can't screw that one up or i'm screwed!)
4. Learn French before I go to France.
5. Find a job for the summer.
6. Engulf myself in ministry. (whether being an RA or getting involved in something else)
7. Give away at least 1/3 or my clothes/stuff. (i have way to much crap. it makes me sick!)
8. Become absolutely humble. (only let God show)
9. Help my guys reach their goals.
10. Become a better, holier, and more loving friend, student, brother, son, and man.
11. To not waste any moment just being idle/lazy. (resting is not being idle/lazy)
12. To become radical, revolutionary, and crazy for God.
13. Get married. (just kidding, but seriously, if you would like to, let me know :)
14. Quit being sick. (i'm gonna need yall's and God's help)
15. Live my life one day at a time.
16. Draw pictures more often.
17. Read The Chronicles of Narnia
18. To let God decide my new year's resolutions
19. To stop being of the world's culture and to start being of Christ's culture.
20. In my life, to have
Shalom.