This may be the last post.

I don't want to write anymore.
All I do is write about how I feel.
If I feel crappy,
which is most of the time,
it's just a like a selfish cry for help kind of bull crap.
If I feel good,
I just feel like I'm lying to myself.
No matter what the case,
it's just a unfulfilling waste of time,
because who am I kidding?
I have this personality that just makes people feel bad,
whether on purpose or not, and
I don't want people to feel bad for me.
If my life sucks it's my fault.
If I know why it sucks then I need to change it.
But, I don't,
so boo hoo,
who cares.

This is just not really helping anyone,
so I'm done.

.

Listening to some death cab...




This is getting so hard.
Writing about it just makes my mind shut off.
I have lost myself minute after minute,
chasing my own tail.
Only to bite myself.
I don't know what I'm trying to do anymore.



shalom.

The L-Word

Love is greatest.
But, sometimes, it does not fix anything.
Because that is not it's job.
Sometimes I just want people to listen, not love, not preach, not write in all caps...
I would rather have someone listen out of hate than to not listen to me out of love.

Listening is far more important to me right now.


shalom.

Just Sad and Tired.

I have lots of hope for this world.
Yet,
I have saved none of it for myself.

I constantly try to hold myself back from saying, "Why the hell am I like this?!?"
Everyone has a moment where they realize they need to change.
I have one more often than not, lately.
Nothing changes.
I just get depressed and want to say that none of this really matters.
That makes people sad.
I don't like making people sad.
So,
I block it all out,
take it all in,
turn it in to silence,
and let no one see or hear.
Telling sad stories is appeasing to us for some reason,
but not when it is our own.

I'm not finding anything right now... and... I want to do so more than anything.
I want to find myself again.
I want to find my heart again.
I want to find my God again.
I want to find my discipline again.
I want to find my friends again.
I want to find my Leah again.

And not be someone who constantly needs caring for.
I don't want to be sick any more.
I don't want to take medicine any more.
I am so tired of this kind of life.
I am 24.
People my age are drunk half the time, not giving a damn about what happens next, blowing all their money away on stupid things, and traveling to where ever in this world sounds good at the time.
I don't want all of that.
I just want to not care about myself.
I just want to love people and figure out what that means,
but "I can't," and I still really haven't figured out why.

Close to 8,000 dollars every six months.
Just give it to some village, so they may live for years and years.
Generations of countries could live on the money spent for my medicine.
That screams to me, "NOT WORTH IT!"


I'm sorry.


I am just overwhelmed with the sadness of what "the future holds."

shalom.
i really hope,
shalom.

Relax.

This was not intended to be an attack,
but a reminder to teenagers to just think about what they go through
and to use it and to learn from it
rather than stay the same forever,
because that is just sad.

shalom.

Teenagers

Having a job with teenagers,
I have realized that I work with the most selfish and blaming people ever--teenagers.
They can't help it, though. It's a process of life. Figuring out yourself is hard work. I can't even blame them, because I did the same thing, had the same personality 5 years ago.
I just hope to see them grow out of it healthily, rather than get stuck in it.
Right now, I guess I just see myself there to help fight it.
To let kids know that life is hard, not impossible.
To let them know that every one's parents messed them up emotionally some how, but everyone gets over it, or should, at least.
To let them know to be honest and take the blame for yourself, not to lie to everyone (including yourself) about who's fault it is.
To let them know they are so cool, they don't have to try so hard to impress their friends.
To let them know that fashion is very unoriginal and expensive.
To let them know that discipline with what you do is the only way anyone makes it.

Unfortunately, some teenagers do not learn these things.
Then, they become horrible, struggling adults.

Shalom.

crash

This world is crashing.
There are so many problems.
So many questions.
So many answers.
Yet, we cannot rely on this world to fix itself.
We can only rely on the change of ourselves on an individual level.
Believer or not,
no one can tell me this world would be worse
if we all started trying to act with more love than we are used to.

I don't see anything but good
coming out of an attempt
to be like Jesus Christ,
believer or not.

That arises the question:
Are we willing to be more concerned about others instead of ourselves?

That is hard to answer.
We have so many reasons that we "can't":
Medical Fiascoes.
Depression.
"Not enough" Money.
Difficulty.
Too Busy.
Danger.
Ignorance.

I know these reasons
aren't really good enough reasons
to not to attempt to love, to help, to sacrifice a little more each day.
Yet, I still contradict myself by not doing this.

We are all guilty.
We are also free.
To choose right.
To choose wrong.
To re-evaluate.
And choose again.


shalom.

Maybe I am a little too tired, but this is what I think:

Everyone one of us tries to be God.
We judge.
We judge others.
Boiling down the basis of another's actions. Determining whether they deserve heaven or hell. For eternity or for this moment.
Or,
We judge ourselves.
Wondering if we will ever do the right thing or if we maybe have life right.

We don't know.
But,
it makes it a lot easier to guess.
It does.

Yet,
nothing is solved.

Fingers are merely pointed.
Deciding to jam a digit into another's breast bone,
or into our own.
Giving pain like it is something to be passed on-- to take turns with,
or to hurt ourselves so that we don't have to think about what really hurts.

Life already has enough pain and enough answers.
Why try to add more?


Maybe I am just tired,
but that is what I think.

Shalom.