Just Sad and Tired.

I have lots of hope for this world.
Yet,
I have saved none of it for myself.

I constantly try to hold myself back from saying, "Why the hell am I like this?!?"
Everyone has a moment where they realize they need to change.
I have one more often than not, lately.
Nothing changes.
I just get depressed and want to say that none of this really matters.
That makes people sad.
I don't like making people sad.
So,
I block it all out,
take it all in,
turn it in to silence,
and let no one see or hear.
Telling sad stories is appeasing to us for some reason,
but not when it is our own.

I'm not finding anything right now... and... I want to do so more than anything.
I want to find myself again.
I want to find my heart again.
I want to find my God again.
I want to find my discipline again.
I want to find my friends again.
I want to find my Leah again.

And not be someone who constantly needs caring for.
I don't want to be sick any more.
I don't want to take medicine any more.
I am so tired of this kind of life.
I am 24.
People my age are drunk half the time, not giving a damn about what happens next, blowing all their money away on stupid things, and traveling to where ever in this world sounds good at the time.
I don't want all of that.
I just want to not care about myself.
I just want to love people and figure out what that means,
but "I can't," and I still really haven't figured out why.

Close to 8,000 dollars every six months.
Just give it to some village, so they may live for years and years.
Generations of countries could live on the money spent for my medicine.
That screams to me, "NOT WORTH IT!"


I'm sorry.


I am just overwhelmed with the sadness of what "the future holds."

shalom.
i really hope,
shalom.