Feliz Navidad

Going to listen to once I finish my blog: Simply Nothing by Shawn McDonald

What has been going on? Christmas. I got a lot of stuff considering I didn't ask for anything... I really enjoyed it! I also enjoyed getting my family gifts.

1. I've been lifting weights. Booyah. Trying to glorify God with my body and loving the feeling of it.
2. I've been reading. I read the first book of The Chronicles of Narnia, called, "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." Although this book is for kids, I just can't help to fall in love with the imagination and parallel to Christianity that it has. I'm reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I realize how selfish I am. Almost every girl that I'm friends with, I flirt with for my own pleasure. I thought it was alright to joke around, but this book is scrambling everything about relationships with women that I tried all my life to develop.
3. I've been to many different doctors. I have to take more medication for my seizure disorder. It's so frustrating, because I go in there and people are obviously messed up in the head. "I'm not messed up like this!" is what I think to myself. BUT, I AM MESSED UP. Why would I be there, if I wasn't? It makes me so mad!!! I just want to cry and die.
4. I've hung out with my family, which has been great. Rachel, my 12 yr. old sis, is very upset about something. Please pray for her to open up and for me to love her unconditionally. Heath, my 17 yr. old bro, has a girlfriend (freshman in college). It worries me, because I know he has the greatest potential to be a worker of God, and I'm afraid that he might just take feelings for this girl and put them above everything else-- even God. Jacob, my 8 yr. old bro, doesn't eat anything healthy. Hannah, my 2 yr. old sis, doesn't like me cuz I don't let her have her own way.
5. Got to hang out with some of the highschool gang... It was fun.

So... To all my friends. I love you. And I am sorry for all my wrong doings.
Shalom.

Chapter II of My Most Memorable Moments

Now Listening to: The Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot
The Summer.
The anticipation as a child of knowing the school year was almost over and 3 months of eternal play time were about to begin. The weather. If I could imagine what it's going to be like in heaven, I know if there's weather, it's going to have to resemble summer. The beach. Building mighty fortressess of sand, jumping through waves, and eating sandwhiches with little bits of sand in them. All the free time you could possible imagine. You could draw pictures all day, read a brand new book you signed up for in the reading club, go play football with other kids. Hide and go seek-- 15 to 20 kids running around 10 square blocks of houses, buildings, parks, yards, and ditches. Riding your bike across town and buying popscicles and slushies at the local 7-11 or to the secret bike jump place and seeing who could get the most air until someone ends up getting hurt. Flying kites-- hours of running and yanking with endless effort until you finally are soaring in the middle of the sky. You can fly. Cookouts-- chips, hotdogs, hamburgers, soda, and potato salad. Yum yum. Swimming and all the games, races, and wrestling matches that come with that. Sailing for days at a time and not being able to wash your body from the fish stench infested into your skin. Water gun fights. My birthday. Creation Festival-- jammin' out in the name of Christ! Getting tan and sunburned. School shopping (get those new nikes). Summer if full of happiness and life.

Sorry I have not blogged in a while (i don't have my computer here at home-- gotta use the bro's). I'm trying to make myself as busy as possible and do interesting stuff over break... and so far i'm pretty much failing... Things I want to accomplish-- pray excessively and study the Scriptures, exercise on a regular basis, read "The Chronicles of Narnia", learn how to speak French, learn piano, hang out with my friends from Meadville... I watch so much stinkin' television, it's rediculous. It's so hard, because we have a t.v. in the living room, and one in each of our rooms... everywhere I go, idleness and couch potatoing is a button away. I NEED SOME SELF CONTROL. I'm pathetic. I was thinking about it today... i've probably spent over 6 years of my life sleeping, probably over 2 years watching t.v., and probably a year and 1/2 doing nothing... That's about half my life wasted right there. So, what, then, do I do to fix this? How do I "turn a new leaf". Some may say, "ya just do it." Okay... well, here I go then.

I keep saying that I'm sick of this. And, by this, I mean not letting the awesome be abundant. I complain, complain, complain, but I don't do anything. THIS IS A FACT: I may be dead in the morning. This may be the end of my life. So, then what? When I'm with God and we're looking back on my life, I will hang my head low in shame... I am more blessed than anyone I know, yet I spit in God's face. When will I learn? Hopefully, now.
Shalom.

Chapter I of My Most Memorable Moments...

Now listening to: The Eleventh Hour by Jars of Clay
ch.1
Riding in the car:
1. Sitting in the back of the Ford Escort Station Wagon, laying on my back, with my siblings staring up through the back window of glass. Gazing past the little defrost strips and up at the trees, clouds, and other over-standing objects. As we would drive blocks and turn every which way, we would then try to guess where we might be. (never thought about it, but this is a good exercise for children if you think about it-- memorizing the skyline of the town-- if you ever got kidnapped, you could know where you were-- I know I'm a genius)
2. Staring at the jumping telephone wires. I have always been fascinated by the way they jump up and down... Like watching a heart rate monitor to the world or something...
3. Falling asleep. Whether it be when I was a kid to the intense heat of VA or 80's pop music, or whether it be sitting in the back seat with a really good friend to lean on and just relax... Yes... It's good to have somebody to talk to, but it's also good to have somebody you can just dream away the world with :)


"Carpe Momento" has been something we have been drenched with during this semester. "Seize the Moment". I thought this saying was something corny for living the right life when I had the chance.... But I'm soon realizing it's way deeper than that. It's stepping out to do the thing that your heart feels is right... Well, tonight I had the perfect opportunity to do such a thing and blew it. There was witness of my absent-actioness. You know who you are, and I am so sorry you had to witness such a poorly handled accident.
I am gaining a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man from this experience though. I realize that being a man is about making choices-- not letting others make choices for you. My accident tonight could have been easily prevented if my witness would have just told me to take action... But I'm glad she didn't, because I wouldn't have seen what I needed to change about myself.
BLAME. We see it as such a nasty word. Like to be blamed is to be sentenced to hell. But, me, I rejoice in blame. I know that if I am trying to glorify God through trying to make myself sanctified holy (holiest of holy) and pure for God's sake alone, that I'm going to have to be blamed for the things I've done wrong so that I may let God mold me into his.

"Take. Take till there's nothing. Nothing to turn to. Nothing when you get through. Won't you break scattered pieces of all I've been. Bowing to all I've been. Running to...Where are you?"




shalom.

Slap Me In The Face, For You and I Both Know I Deserve It

Now listening to: Pete Schmidt

"I want new found glory. Make it anything but ordinary, cuz I'm not here to stay. I wanted to know that I, I'm losing myself went I let you go away. I want new found glory, every single day...
There's bright lights on dark nights. My mind's off track. Sack up all the things you love. And shove them over to me. I'm always feeling homeless. Now homesick of myself. Find me now untie me. From all these things I've felt..."

It's funny how stupid I am. I do not know what I want. My mind yells over the voice of my heart. I confuse myself.
I am a jerk. I want to tell you, if you don't know already. Stay away from me. You better just stay away...
And I want to tell you-- you that have found out. I am sorry. You may not ever forgive me. And, I may not deserve to be. You should hate me.

This semester is over. Time. How well did I use it? Very well. I have made these tremendously amazing friends and have tried to show them how lovely, beautiful they actually are, and not how others had taught them.

"But I wanted you to know. Wanted you to know I did everything. Everything I wanted them to see. Just how good you could be. Especially for you. And on the side just me. I wanted them to know. Just how good you could be. How good you could be..."

Top 5 Christmas Presents:
5. My Heart.
4. God's Heart.
3. To unbreak what I've broken.
2. Normality.
1. Self-removal.
0. Shalom.

Don't waste your time with this one...

Album now listening to: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb by U2
Was listening to Youth of the Nation by POD -- great old school song!

What am I missing?? It seems like everyone has all these connections to find opportunities to do awesome things. I truly believe that I am totally naive to the world around me. I have no idea what's going on with anything. Whether it be with politics, world disasters, ministry opportunities, relationships with the opposite sex, or anything else that doesn't directly involve my life.
Am I too lazy? (don't answer that) I want to get connected. The only way I can think of how to start doing this is to read the newspaper and Relevant magazine...But that's pathetic. WHY CAN'T THE BIBLE AND GOD BE ENOUGH??? "To be in the world, not of it"... Do I take this too literal? I thought that people are to know I am a Christian by my love, not by my t-shirt, or my bumper sticker, or my knowledge of secular topics. I'll stop raging out...

So, I think I'm going to dreadlock my hair...

I went on a "date" with Whitney Lyman. She said I had to say that. She bought me coffee and my heart ;) We went to Humbleman's Holiday. It was good...

Now I'm just waiting for midnight breakfast to come by...

Speaking of which, I'm on steroids and they make me hungry all of the time. I eat until I'm stuffed and then I am still hungry for more! (Hint for spiritual metaphor right there) I wish my life for God was like that, that I would stuff my face with it and keep wanting more. It's pathetic that I know that I benefit so much each time I pray or read the Bible, yet I don't do it when I have the time. Why am I so stupid? "Like a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool returns to his folly." I really do believe that I can be like Christ, that I can be perfect through the power of God. "For I can do anything through Jesus Christ, who strengthens me." If not, then why would He call us to follow Him? And I don't want to do it just for my benefit, I want to do it because I know that I can worship God so absolutely through this sanctified holy.
Shalom.

p.s. please forgive me for my short attention span and typing to fill a blog up... My mind is scattered...
ps2. this is what part of the alphabet would look like with out the letters 'q' and 'r'... and if it had a 2 in it. this is also a video game system.
pss. why do people say this when they try to get others' attention?
p.p.s.s. i'm dumb.

Get Bloggy Wit It.

I am not currently playing a song, but my roomie is playing Illuminate by David Crowder.

Today on the way back from eating brunch in the Marketplace, I called, "shotgun," on the way to the car. To keep the story short, I had the front seat stolen from me, then was told to get in the car. I did not. I preceded to walk back to the dorm. You know why? I've realized what makes a man a man. Choices. Standing up. Fighting. Now you may say, "Ryan, it's just a seat." But, no. There isn't anything of my life that means nothing. By living for a God that is extreme, my life must be extreme. I will stand up for what I believe in, no matter what the consequences. I will not be silenced about the God I stand for-- in any situation. I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING THAT I CAN NEVER LOVE ENOUGH. If I say anything ever, hear me now: I deserve to go to hell, but, by grace, God sent himself to my world of sin, so that he could beat sin and save my soul. The same is true for you, and I hope that you realize a hint of how stinkin' awesome that is! And, I hope you realize it more and more each day. Get it yet?
Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."
May this be true for us every time we have the chance to do so.
"But for now... I will sing... A new song... For you..."
Shalom.

P.S. Dearest Friend. You have made my heart smile.

Listening to: Control by Pedro the Lion

Well, I think I'm a dweeb. I'm like the only person who keeps my blog constantly updated. I would stop writing, but a lot of the time I'm doing it for my own good.
Again, I am up way too late typing one of these things again, but it must be done. The funny thing is, I have a Spanish paper (haven't started yet) and a sociology test to study for, but, nevertheless, here I am to show you a little more of myself.
Tonight I went to Matt Conner's (the pastor of Mercy House) house and a bunch of us had a time just to break down before God. I'll admit, it was something I didn't want to do (the whole, outward worship thing). What I have been going through, was not going to be fixed by this ritzie worship time. None the less, I just tried to give God what I had. Then, it happened. Exactly what I didn't want to happen in front of others. I broke down hard. And I needed mended. All these people were singing about great lives and being totally devoted to God. BUT I COULDN'T LIE and sing along. I felt like crap, actually worse-- like God was never going to stop punishing me. And, so I prayed. I used all of my heart, not just the good stuff, but the stuff that was killing me. Before long, burdens were lifted. I don't know why, but it happened. Things then began to stick out to me about movement with God. Like Exodus 3 and 4, where God speaks to Moses. God calls Moses, who thinks he is unworthy of such a mission. Then John 3 where it's talked about how we're supposed to move like the wind. I agree, but maybe it's like this for me right now: Sometimes God gives us wind that we can soar upon like eagles, But sometimes God gives us a breeze that can only move our hearts.
And that's totally me right now. I'm on top of this mountain screaming, "I'm Ready," and I'm jumping in the air, but no breeze is there. The saying, "right here, right now," makes me grit my teeth, but I know that if I do not act now, the future of my life for God will never exist.

Sacrifice is not pretty. It will kill and destroy you-- taking everything that you thought you needed and stripping all away, and then some, until all you have is nothing. "Congratulations. You've hit bottom." All you can do is let God build you now. You are formed a new man.
Shalom.

Ahora estoy escuchando a: Album: Morning View by Incubus
"Starbucks: You have one forming in your basement right at this moment."

ConsUmerism. CommercialiSm. MateriAlism.

Merry Christmas. "It is better to give than to receive". We say that, but then why do we expect presents? How greedy does it sound that we make this list? Not only that, but it's just like, "buy me these". No surprises or anything. I've decided to not ask for anything for Christmas this year. I could care less if I get anything in all honesty, but if I do, what a great surprise!

Okay. Done making you feel guilty. Are you ready for an insight of me again? Don't ask me to explain, just read.

I am in a storm.
A storm that I know that may never end.
Friends, shelter, and hope may be utterly destroyed.
And happiness may be void.
But to give up now, would be,
to let all that I live for, deplete.
How am I to stand firm,
if I have nothing to stand on?
This end. Your way. No sense. Cry.
Break again this shattered pieces of clay.
Not yesterday, nor tomorrow, but today.
Words gone. Thoughts crumpled. Strength sucked dry.
I have the power to make things as I may.
But powerless is how I choose to remain.

Shalom.

Think, think, thought

Album: Music For the Morning After by Pete Yorn

One of my dearest friends told me tonight, "You think too much."
It's true. I am done. I am done with thinking. I am done with feeling. I am done with thinking about feeling. I really respect all of these people battling it out theologically and morally and whateverly, but I can take only oh so much. I believe that you have to be firm in your beliefs and why you believe them, but I need doses. I'm being slapped in the face and argued with about so many things that don't deserve the time to argue about, that I'm left paralyzed in a field where nobody will find me and where I will find nobody else.
Tonight I walked in a labyrinth. If you don't know what it is, it's a floor drawn maze that doesn't have any dead ends, used to concentrate on prayer/meditation. I noticed all the curvy lines remind me of a brain- my brain- and I thought I had this duty to walk all over my brain and for me and God to bring out all that needed out. I walked in expectation of answers to all the crap manifested by my human mind, thoughts, contradictions, and limitations.
Guess what. It didn't happen. Well... Crap. What do I do then?
"Be still and know that I am God." It sucks that I keep wanting things for myself. I want answers. I want to fall in love. I want to be the greatest servant of God. And I thought I was wanting these things with perfect intention- God. But I was distorted. I still wanted me to be in these equations. All I can want is the glory of God. That's it and that's all. But, just like in Proverbs, I return to my sins like a dog returns to its vomit. This, this is screwing everything up. And, I am putting on this show that I'm a "good guy" by going to things or giving advice, but the fact is I am undeserving to pretend that I got it all together. I will ruin everything you let me between us.
"You will stay a mile away from me, if you know what's good for you..."
A man trying to hit bottom,
Shalom.

Now listening: Album: Recovering the Satellites by Counting Crows

Shout out #1: Joel Burkhead is a stud. Beautiful hair. Beautiful heart. Period. Not to mention is tall, dark, and handsome roommate, Bobby Holden. Women, be prepared to have your breath taken away when you enter room 304 of Smith Hall.
Shout out #2: "You are not a good role model." -- John Hayden (addressing me)
Shout out #3: Kyle Costlow, also known as Nomad, hey, cut it out with the milk already.
Shout out #4: Da Bomb Squad! Best, Sidey, Holden, Gwaltney, Osterfeild, Streite, Lyman, Rice, Douglass, Thomas, Costlow, and Ness. Thanks for playing on my team for the best Floor Hockey season ever! Booyah! Scream and Shoot!!!
okay. Done.
I learned how to say John 1:1 in Greek and it only took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to do it... I'm a genius! Me and some of the 3S brothers watched Cliffhanger... Classic. Stalone is the dyno master! Puma!
Hey yall. Today was a good day. You all showed me that I am loved. Thank You.
"We couldn't all be cowboys. So some of us are clowns. Some of us are dancers on the midway. We roam from town to town . I hope that everybody can find a little flame. Me, I say my prayers, then I just light myself on fire. And I walk out on the wire once again... If you wrap yourself in daffodils. I will wrap myself in pain. And if you're the queen of California. I am the king of the rain.
And I say...
Goodnight"
This semester has gone by too fast. I cannot help but to think that I have not done anything special or out of the ordinary. But then I think again. I have grown accustomed to so many people... To all of you that I have gotten to know this semester, you know who you are, don't be mad that I'm not writing you name. Be happy because I love you and our friendship and wouldn't trade it for any riches in the entire world.

Now listening to: Worlds apart(live) by Jars of Clay
well, well, well, just gonna stay up all night again because I have yet another 8 to 10 page paper due tomorrow...
but first thing is first...
I remember always watching movies about a person accomplishing something great or fighting some tremendous, well coreographed battle or two people falling in love in the perfect way and saying the perfect words to each other with that perfect song in the background. I had let a world so lonely soak me to the bones and let me think of a well-off life without God. I had let them let me think that it was about me and not about Him.
"i am the only one to blame for this. somehow it all ends up the same. soaring on the wings of selfish pride i flew too high. like icarus i collide. in a world i try so hard to leave behind. to rid myself of all but love. to give and die. turn away and not become. another nail to pierce the skin of the one who loved. more deeply than the oceans. more abundant than the tears. of a world embracing every heart ache. can i be the one to sacrifice? or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? take my world apart. i am on my knees. take my world apart. broken on my knees."
I forgot. I forgot where perfection came from. But, now. Now I remember. I remember how to totally fall in love.
One of my close friends jokingly asked, "what's your deepest darkest sin?". I didn't answer. But, it did make me think... why do we try to hide who we are? I am filthy with sin. But so are you, right? We all are. That helps us to realize how much greater God is. Don't you get it? Everything God created, everything God did... it was for His glory. Don't you get it? That's what it is all about. Not about forgiveness, so we can get our feel better fix. But about the GREATEST THING EVER IMAGINED. Something (someone) that could overcome and defeat everything we couldn't. That could love forever. Don't you get it? You don't fall in love with God. You just love him back. But, then you have to let those who have been hurt and lost know about it by trying to be a glimpse of the greatness of love.
Don't you get it? If you do, then why don't they?
Shalom.

You Won't Read This.

i wish i had a thing that said: Currently listening to. Well, if you like to know... Artist: Story of the Year; Album: Page Avenue.
anyways...
Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." Blam. There it is. My conclusion: I've said too many things that I shouldn't have. And, that's not lying to someone. It's caring for someone's feelings. I thought just to be flat out honest and say everything I was feeling was the way to go. Wrongo. So, I'm sorry that emotions grabbed ahold of me, rather than me letting God grab ahold of my heart and my mouth.
Right now, at this very instant, I know. I know what to do and I know what not to do. I know that I'll be too much of a procrastinator and a chicken to do some of them and I know that I'll be to weak to not do some of them.
"the stars will cry the blackest tears tonight... I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day..." I know that God is ready to respark the revolution in YOU and in me that we could never ever imagine. I also know, that evil is at work at this very instant in YOU and in me. Evil is making us feel comfortable with the now. We've got it good. No doubt. But do they have it good? Does the whole world know of God's imeasurable love. Call me a corny Christian. Say I'm filling my guilt quota right now. But NO. I care for YOU, for US, for THEM. And until we all realize that comfort is not going to be an option most of the time, then evil will triumph more and more. And right now I say: Check yourself. Is God alone enough for you? Is the thought that you know immeasurable amounts of people will go to Hell if you don't save them? You have a responsibility to change the world for the GLORY OF GOD. God has watched you all of you life, and has loved you and will love you more than you know. He knows that you're not feeling tip-top, but he knows you still have power through Him. He loves you more than you will ever know. But he is waiting for YOU and ME to act.
C.S. Lewis says something like, a righteous person thinks he/she is a not good of a person, but a person submitted under evil thinks he/she is not that bad person. Check yourself. Do you think your pretty good?
We will never be perfect. Why? What is it that's keeping you from getting there?
I loved when Rob Bell said it (in reference to the story of Peter walking out on the water to Jesus): We usually have faith in God, but sometimes we don't have faith in ourselves. Jesus has faith in us. So why don't we?
We are capable of doing what Jesus did-- changing the world for the glory of God.
Shalom.

P.S. I have a paper to type due at 10 in the a.m. I don't think I'm ready to write it because I just realized it's supposed to be everything I believe is the "right way". A.k.a. I have to figure out the answers to all of life questions and write them down in 8 to 10 pages.
P.P.S. I played Dance Dance Revolution today for an hour in Nick Best's room. I suck at it. But I can break it down on the dance floor, so that game is obviously the nerds' revenge to attempt to be cool and x out the guys with rythm. Nice try nerds.
P.P.S.S. Top Ten best food combinations: 10. Peanutbutter and Jelly 9. Cheese whiz and crackers 8. Graham crackers and cake icing 7. Peanutbutter and fluffly whip 6. Speghetti and Meatballs 5. Tatertots and Ranch dressing 4. Arizona Ranch and Arizona Ranch (wing flavors at Quaker Steak and Lube) 3. Slushies and MickyD's DoubleCheeseburgers or Taco Bell's CheesyGorditaCrunches 2. Ruffled chips and cottage cheese 1. Cereal (preferably LIFE) and Milk

Booyah Blog

Thanksgiving= being a lazy piece of garbage
I did nothing constructive or productive at all except sleep, eat, play video games, and see the spongebob squarepants movie with my little brothers and sister.
My life is so lazy right now. I feel like Proverbs 19:24 is the verse of my life: "The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!" I feel like even when I'm doing something here at school, it's still the most boring thing ever. Life just seems boring to me right now. Is it because I'm "stuck" here? Is it because I'm not satisfied with what I have? A fellow student died in a car accident this weekend. I'm still in a state of unbelief. How much time do we have? None. People say that I should finish my college education, because I only have one year left. One year!?!? That's a long time! I could die by then! I could go across the world and love the poor for a year!
FAITH. I say I have it, but do I? After being through so much garbage for so many years, I been accustomed to being okay with God not doing miracles. My mom tells me, "God's going to cure your disease Ryan." and you know what I say, "No He's not. What purpose would doing that do? It's permanent." What is my problem? I'll be honest, going through years of life with a constant physical pain can make it almost impossible to believe in miracles. I'm not saying I didn't believe in God. I'm saying I believed that I felt God was doing it for a reason and that I should just except that I'm the receiver of this "punishment." That can get you down. But, you got to suck it up and look at the good. Why? "When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever" Proverbs 10:25. I am priviledged. I am not being punished, but maybe I'm being tested. Many have been tested and gave up. That was the end. Satan said, "I win." But, no, not this freaking time. A bad day, a bad month, a bad year, not even a bad life will ever make me say, " Jesus Christ is absolute answer to everything". So if Satan still thinks he has a chance to break my spirit, bring it! I'm not here to mess around! I'm a tool ready, willing, and able to be used by God. And if I need to be put in the furnace like shadrack, mishack, and abendago, to do so, let's go. GOD'S ONLY QUESTION IS, Do you want your heart to be medium or well-done!?!?
SHALOM.

Here's me.

Who am I?? Really, it's been something I've been trying to answer all of my life. I know that I a man trying to please God to the most that I am capable, which is never very much. But, aside from that, how would I "describe" myself? Charisma is one thing I have. Why is that though? Maybe because of the other "traits" I have...
I am outgoing. I force myself to be. That's what people want. The jokester. The funny man. I step up to the plate of entertainment when no one else will. I know how to fill that "awkward" silence. I know what it's like to be the one that wants the attention and I know what it's like to want the attention taken away from myself. I am scared and I am capable of giving others reason to not be.
I am shy and introverted. Silence is not "awkward" to me. I could sit for hours in front of you without saying a word. I love to listen to you, your life, and your heart. I know what it is to want love so bad that death would seem better a solution than this waiting in this life. I know what it is to want to be listened to and compassioned for.

I am one thing on the outside and I am one thing on the inside. I am real.
I hope I am a "love thumper" and I hope that I thump you with love as much as I can.
I am a "little king" with emphasis on "little". I am DeWalt. I am a tool. I am something used. I am the "second chance" friend-- the one needed when no one else is there to be a friend. I am okay with that. I am passionate about opening your heart beyond your control rather than making myself great, acknowledged, or popular. I am sick. I am lazy. I am an American. I am greedy. I am a constant reminder to myself of all those who are dying in their hearts. I am not perfect. I am a loner. I am all together. I am not quite there. I am poor. I am rich. I am dirt. I am nothing. I am the epitome of potential and mediocre.
I know a lot less than most books teach but I know a lot more than you may know about yourself. I am wise, but not applicable or articulate. I am crazy, confused, and confusing. I am okay with that.
I am dark gray, because you can't be seen in order to sneak up on life and love. What does that mean? Only me and God know, that is unless you get to know me or God tells you, whichever comes first.
Shalom.

Dear Mr. Criticizer R.D.

Maybe I get very lonely and like to write blogs to fullfill all of my insecurities. Maybe I need to pretend that thousands of people are actually going to care about my opinion. So step off. Just cuz you're tool cool to write blogs regularly...psshhtt...
ANYWAYS...
I'm falling apart dude! Not only the crohns, the seizure disorder, and the pleuritis in my ribs, but now I have a friggin' hernea (sp?)!! What else is going to go wrong with me?
ANYWAYS...
Christopher Lloyd is a friggin' jerk.
ANYWAYS...
I got to visit some homeless shelters this past saturday. It was awesome. I felt so comfortable. I think I could easily be a homeless person. I look like one and I mooch like crazy, all I need now are the clothes, or lack-there-of. It was so fun though. I hope we can start a group of AU students going downtown Indy on a regular basis and doing some classic ministry.
Also, I went to the mercy house yesterday morning, and Matt Conner really spoke truth into my life about using my heart. I feel like no matter what's going on, he mentions some problem that is currently in my life everyweek...What a coinkydink...
well...i'm blabbling....
Shalom.

love the way it needs to be

talked to three girls tonight (whose names i won't mention)...but i realized something great.
we're wanting and expecting of someone else before we're wanting and expecting of ourselves. don't ask me to explain this in a journal (unless you like reading blabling stupidity). We need to ask, "Who am i?" and, "Who does God want me to be?" And after those are answered, we can ask, "Who does God want for me?" Which will already be answered by the first two.
Now, i'm not that smart, but this stuff is good, right? If you don't think so, give me at least a week before you shoot me down. I have had burdens lifted off my heart and i am on cloud nine.

P.S. Do my journals suck? Or do i write too often? Cuz i looked at nick best's blog, and everyone is commenting to him. I'm sorta jealous...i need attention. It's who i am. (not really...but seriously i love when people look at me and laugh at my jokes....just kidding, i only live for an audience of three-- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit... just kidding, it's Nick best, God, and Ben Christofis...not really, it's just God... but i wish you would comment....it's okay, you don't have to...but, seriously, if you don't do it, my loneliness will build up so much that i will cry myself to sleep)

"Why do I procrastinate so stinkin' much?" Well, if you say it that way, it sounds horrible. This is the way I see it (so hold on to yer britches lil' lady)... I prioritize. What's more important? Really, what is more important? Some paper, that I don't have a flip in the world to discuss, or regurgitate for that matter. How about an in depth conversation about the thing I care most about?? Or how about reading the wisest book in the world? How about talking to God? Maybe just a little more important... Although I admit that I puposefully delay doing things, because I work a lot better underpressure, but half the time, I'm just delaying something that's not worth doing and that I'm doing for the "grade".
Anyways....Here's the Top Ten Hottest single guys out there....
1. Ben Christofis-- this kid is sizzling!! The shy, quiet, yet funny, humurous type. Look out ladies!!
2. Mac Sidey-- strong in Christ and confident in response... You need to submit if you want this 85Golf-driving stud though.
3. Nick Best-- He's a RD!! Aka he's got a crap load of money!! (and he's got a sweet iPod)
4. Chris Schumerth-- The white guy afro... i just leave it at that...
5. Chris Lloyd-- Du du du doo duh doo ( the theme song to Mario Bros.)... This hunk's looking to power up love to another level.
6. Adam Fennrick-- With a man this pretty, you will always be able to be humble about your good looks...besides....he sleeps in the fetal position.
7. Kyle Costlow-- He'll not only steal your music off of iTunes, but he'll steal your heart too.
8. Me-- I'm dying. Aka short-term commitment.
9. Chris Hunt-- Who wouldn't want to fall in love with somebody famous?? (He's the guy off of the 7up commercials)
10. Grizzly Adams-- man, that beard. Just latch on to that sucker and pucker up!

Becca and Witney are climbing the charts of the most crazy girls I've come in contact with!!

Dear friend,
You have thought that I don't understand you, but more than you'll ever know. In the mass confusing of life, love, and happiness that the world tells us to look for, you've felt that I have not met up to the standards. I tell you I live up to different expectations of life, love, and happiness. To me they can be achieved by what the world says is just being "friends." But, to me, I mean getting to know you for the person I know you are. The amazing person with a huge heart and awesome personality. So, let's be expectant of loving God first and foremost, then developing an awesome friendship.... Sound good friend? I hope it does.
Love in Him,
Shalom.

I think I've lost a friend today

I have noticed this running trend of my life... whenever someone gets to know me, they realize how annoying I am. You may say, "Oh Ryan, you're a good friend to others." Well, you just wait. I haven't had enough time to screw it all up. I am incapable of anything else. I apologize to all of you.

Don't You Tell Me What Love Is!!

It seems that lately (and always) everyone is focused on love. That wouldn't be so bad if it was the right kind of love. The "love" everyone is focused on is this attraction between a man and a woman. All I can recall hearing throughout the day is stuff about future spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, and then they attempt to suck me into in by saying, "who do you like?" I'm not telling you because you'll blow it into something I don't want (it's not on purpose or their fault; but that's the way the word of mouth works). If I like someone enough, I will tell them. There's this whole expectancy of the world to get married and that God has some soul mate for you. DON'T PLAY THE GOD CARD. Did you ever think that God may want you to be single the rest of you life??? I know it's not a warm, fuzzy idea, but following God is not warm and fuzzy. I'm sorry I sound upset, but this is something that needs to be addressed. Focus on the real love-- God. Everything will then come into place, He will comfort your heart and show you what true love is and feels like and entails. Then, if your lucky, He'll put the right bait on your pole so that fish in the sea comes to you; don't jump right in and start looking for it.
Shalom. Out.

Following God's will, is like riding a bicycle... You don't learn to do it by studying it and knowing everything about the physics and mechanics of it. You learn how to do it by trying, trying, trying, and, eventually, it just becomes second nature.

Here? There? Where?

Well, a lot has been going on. Either that, or I'm just stressing out a lot and making it seem that way. My heart mos def feels incomplete. And maybe that's what will/should be the deciding factor if I stay here at school. I hope that I'm not being self-centered because I don't have an "action packed" life. I truly do feel incomplete in my struggle to work out the glory of God. I know that I'm "making a difference as being an R.A. and stuff", but in all honesty, would I be making a bigger difference if I discipled those who know Christ already so that they could do the same, or if I discipled those who are totally lost? Who can do what I'm doing now? Many can. Who will do what no one wants and go out to the poor and love them fully? I must. What would I do if I left? I don't exactly know, but I think that's what stirs my heart even more-- not knowing the future; just relying on God.
Shalom.

Geeze oh pete, am i out of control or what?!!?! I took a little visit to Melissa W. and Kirsten S.'s room and had a TON of sweettarts, then i had a sugar coma, then rose from the dead, then began taking everything i could find in the room and throwing it on Kirsten while she was laying on the ground!! then i ran outside, around the building and yelled in the window-- scaring the jeepers out of them! hahahaha!! then i preceeding to sprint over to Nick Best's apartment and run in his room while he was on the computer. In pure fear, he turned around with eyes beaming open and screamed like a girl!!! ahhahhahahaa...i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe!! good times...now i'm hungry....somebody take me to Burger King...

Well, well...

So this is my second writing...i figured i might as well be current with these stinkin' things, cuz no one likes going on a site and seeing something from the 1920's (unless they're into the Jazz age or history or something).... You probably wanna know what's going on in mi vida, huh? well, school has been wooping my tail and i could have cared less for the past so many months... i know i should care, but it's just so hard when you know that there are so many people outside of this college that are totally lost and are just screaming out, "WHO CAN HELP ME?" And, instead of giving them the answer, i'm being selfish and saying, "How can I be blessed more?" when God has already blessed me so much, that i'm bursting out of the seams with the stuff because i need to bless others with it... Why can't choices be easy? Why can't life be easy? Because Faith and Love need to be proven valuable.
Shalom

P.S. Eat a sandwhich with a spoon. Think about it.

Today

Follow the white rabbit.... you have been officially sucked in the world of Ryan DeWalt!
Hold on and buckle up little missy....