Think, think, thought

Album: Music For the Morning After by Pete Yorn

One of my dearest friends told me tonight, "You think too much."
It's true. I am done. I am done with thinking. I am done with feeling. I am done with thinking about feeling. I really respect all of these people battling it out theologically and morally and whateverly, but I can take only oh so much. I believe that you have to be firm in your beliefs and why you believe them, but I need doses. I'm being slapped in the face and argued with about so many things that don't deserve the time to argue about, that I'm left paralyzed in a field where nobody will find me and where I will find nobody else.
Tonight I walked in a labyrinth. If you don't know what it is, it's a floor drawn maze that doesn't have any dead ends, used to concentrate on prayer/meditation. I noticed all the curvy lines remind me of a brain- my brain- and I thought I had this duty to walk all over my brain and for me and God to bring out all that needed out. I walked in expectation of answers to all the crap manifested by my human mind, thoughts, contradictions, and limitations.
Guess what. It didn't happen. Well... Crap. What do I do then?
"Be still and know that I am God." It sucks that I keep wanting things for myself. I want answers. I want to fall in love. I want to be the greatest servant of God. And I thought I was wanting these things with perfect intention- God. But I was distorted. I still wanted me to be in these equations. All I can want is the glory of God. That's it and that's all. But, just like in Proverbs, I return to my sins like a dog returns to its vomit. This, this is screwing everything up. And, I am putting on this show that I'm a "good guy" by going to things or giving advice, but the fact is I am undeserving to pretend that I got it all together. I will ruin everything you let me between us.
"You will stay a mile away from me, if you know what's good for you..."
A man trying to hit bottom,
Shalom.