sorry if that was too much....




shalom.

What did I just blog about before this one??

Take a gander...

And what do you think happened??

Take a guess...


I'm so fucking sick and tired of going through this time and time again.

sorry for swearing, but that's how i honestly feel.
i am bitter. i am enraged. i am frustrated. i am broken-hearted.
i am not seeing any other option than giving up.
i am sorry.


p.s. please don't try to encourage me on this one. just let it be. i don't want to think about it any more than i have to.

Scared

Someone told me not to be scared.


I don't know how.


All attempts to do well, have only been shattered by the circumstances around me. It's seems like every time something good happens, that the shit in my life comes raining down like a thunderstorm. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. And, I've been so tremendously used to it, that it almost makes me not want to be happy or have something good or to fall in love. Because if I let the good happen, I'll have to deal with painful again.


I don't want to be scared.


But something good has happened.




shalom.

alphabet poem about bees. a.k.a. i need a life.

All
Bees
Come
Down
Everytime
For
Good
Honey;
Intraveneously
Jumping
Kindly
Like
Men
Nosediving
Onto
Pools
Queerly,
Rivetingly,
Starvingly.
They
Utter
Verbs
While
X'ing
Your
Zennias.

Present: Yourself.

Seal yourself in an envelope.
Tape yourself in a box.
Wrap yourself with a ribbon.
Top yourself with a bow.
Label yourself with bold letters.
Give yourself with a nod and a smile,
to friends, family, and even strangers.
Prensent to them the shiny, trendy,
expensive, organic, original,
and/or very unique "you".
Let them think only what you let them,
not what you actually are.
And make sure you say,
"surprise..."


shalom.

vow.

i'm thinking about taking a vow of silence again for a few days...
should i?
have i been thinking too much as it is?
do i need to quiet my life out for a change?
am i just trying to be cool?

shalom.

No.

now listening to: Samantha Tobey


My mom doesn't read much of my thoughts lately. It's understandable. Almost everything I write is depression in words. I'm not proud of that, but, then again, what am I proud of at this moment? I don't know. Everybody keeps asking and advising me, and I appreciate it. Oh, how I enjoy the fact that people care about me and my constant struggle with complacency. Besides, each friend has that one thing they struggle with. Mine is my apathy. It's easy to fix, or so it seems when I hear it coming from the mouths of others.

"You bring all of this on yourself..."

I want to scream and kick until all things are demolished around me.
Start clean.
No contracts.
No piles of clothes.
No stacks of books.
No debt.
No medicine.
No sickness.
No reasons to stop wondering.

shalom.

stuck.

now listening to: bloc party

i don't like most of life right now.

i feel stuck.

waiting.

shalom.

Hypocrises

in·teg·ri·ty (ĭn-těg'rĭ-tē) n.
1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

hy·poc·ri·sy [hi-pok-ruh-see] n.
1. A pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
2. A pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
3. An act or instance of hypocrisy.
American Heritage Dictionary


We all are walking, living hypocrises. It's only such a horrible thing if we deceive ourselves or others blind to the fact that we are hypocrises by not admitting our hypocrisy.

shalom.

Coffee

Being rather tired, I decided to have some coffee.
Search the cupboards, look around the counters, oh, there is it-- The mug I've relied on in times of need. I grab it as if instinctively. It fits to my hand perfect. Discomfort is gone. My mark is set and realization of what I need is where my eyes set. Like a well-oiled machine, it all takes place so effortlessly, spontaneously, intricately. The strong, dark coffee jumps into my mug. I stir it about with ingredients. I pause, for just a second, and bring the dirty elixir to my lips. Before I can think another thought, the java is out of the mug and into my system. I wait for its symptoms, and suddenly, all hell breaks loose and I can't even think straight. My lips are quivering and my fingers fluttering from anxiety that has ridden them like a nap-sack full of stone hanging on an old man's back. Sure I want more, but imagine how the symptoms will increase if I delight further!

I had no idea that this beautiful drink would make me turn into a crazy person, but without it I would be sleeping my life away.

shalom.

Surpises

People can be full of surprises.

So can robots.

Especially,

when they are

pinata-robots.

shalom.

Now listening to: Cease to Begin by Band of Horses

I get this feel as if
I could close my eyes hard enough,
I would, poof, into dust.

It happens
when difficult decisions
fill my mind like a gallon of water
being poured into a drinking glass.

I pour them out,
so that I may observe them,
yet they slide through my hands
and quickly absorb into the ground.

Then, I am where I was:
with an empty glass.

shalom.

A List

now listening to: The Avett Brothers

Awakening upon the hour of

five and a half in the evening,

my life was rather simple today.

My only task necessary was

to be alive.

I'll make sure

I grab my crumpled list of "to do's"

and cross that out.

All it takes is

a check-list to make

any day of your life

seem worthwhile.

shalom.

Now listening to: The Avett Brothers



I remember when my brother and I were younger and we had this cruel, yet halarious, game we would play invovling one of those "Army Ant" figurines from the 80's or early 90's.
The game was simple: Sneak the orange ant, made of hard plastic, into the other's food and wait for their reaction.

shalom.

Spoiled

Christmas and New Year's has existed and shall exist again in a reborn form. This one seem to be dreaded (like my hair. yes, i get it). Well, I was poor, and as much as it's not supposed to be about the presents, I didn't want to receive and not give. That made me depressed. I did what I could. Gave things I already owned to those that I thought would appreciate it. I received some presents, which I loved. A hand-made scarf, In Our Nature by Jose Gonzalez, Two books(Dune and Attention Deficit Disorder), a pair of shoes, some cold-hard-cash, and some awesome art supplies-- charcoal, a drawing board, and paper.

I am spoiled. I know that very well.

You should count how many presents you got for Christmas. If you got more than me, you're a spoiled brat.

That's a joke. Lighten up.

By the way, I got stuck in Pittsburgh because my alternator in my Tracker died. A lot of bad things have happened in my life. Probably just like everyone else. But, recently, the New Year has surprised me pleasantly.

I am spoiled. I know that very well.


shalom.


p.s. I found out that, apparently, Winnie the Pooh is a Taoist.
So, Parents, make sure you burn all of your Pooh books, for the devil is after your children!!!
Bwaaaahh!

p.p.s. That was a joke. Lighten up.