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Now Listening to: nuhphin'

Well, I'm in the North Side of Chicago right now and have been doing such for about two weeks now... man, it's crazy... I don't really know how to explain it, but I know the feeling I associate with it, so if you ever get a machine that transfers feelings, let me know, cuz I'll share 'em... last night and today I hosted (showed around and helped do different ministries) my first group. It was quite an experience getting to see how the kids absorbed in the stuff that I was telling them. I never felt so much power over another person before... Maybe that is the feeling that I would like to share. Yes. That is the one, I think.

Devotion. I'm learning that that word can be translated very differently. I always thought that "doing devotions" was just praying and reading your Bible, but now I think devotion is being obedient to God and being receptive of God and attempting to be with God.... but, hey, what do I know?

Sorry I haven't written lately... I've been super busy and don't have much access to the computadora (that's Spanish for computer for all of you who don' t habla the espanol)

shalom.

A Sunburn Under the Dandelion-filled Sky

Now listening to: Celebrate Mistakes by Number One Gun

and i'm sorry for all those things in me
and when i don't care i know you're
always there i just wanted to get this
started

I am useless. It is truly so sad. hahaha... I made my day productive, but still ended up being a lazy bum and just ended getting a really bad sunburn on my stomach.
I did some thinking though... How productive was that? Not very. It's all semantics and circles.
I thought about love and servanthood. How much do I love? How much of a servant am I?
I am a mooch. I have gotten by by everyone else. I know it's lazy, but a part of me says I'm being smart. Now, though, I think that I'm just ignorant to how lazy I am. I don't know. "It is hader for a rich man to enter the kingdom, than a camel to pass through the eye of a needle". I know that poverty of material things and money is going to be a part of my life. BUT, this world surrounding my every move and saturating my every thought tells me to earn a lot, get my "stuff", and "live it up". What the heck?? I swear I'm right... Jesus said if we want to be perfect, to give up everything and follow Him.
So, if I do that, then how do I live? eat? etc? By the GRACE OF GOD. What does that involve? Miraculous manna falling from the sky? Possibly, but I doubt it when God can just use the people around you and make you turn humble by asking others for food, a place to sleep, a t-shirt, or whatever.
Ya know what I think it is? I think poverty is so looked down upon and disgusting to America.
Ya know what else? I don't care what America thinks. God bless my "luck" to live in this nation and thank God for our freedom, but, honestly, America is screwed up and so prideful that she can't see the plank in her eye.

was it attraction or just a fraction of
your time was it a moment just to
show that you're alive

Man, I had a really good conversation on the phone last night and I realized something. Something about fear. Something about what it's all about. Something about friendship. Something about choices. Something about consequences. Something about inevitability. Something about sucking it up and realizing what life involves. Something about being a man.
A lot of somethings, a lot of everythings.

Do you get it?

What is there to get you say?

hehe... if you can't answer that,
you can't be perfect, whole, and complete.
Shalom.

tear drops on the dusted earth

Now listening to: Where you want to be by Taking Back Sunday

Man, So I think I've discovered that my group of old school friends from back home has sort of seperated. Some are in different countries, some getting married, some living somewhere esle, some I don't know... It's just like a brick wall of reality falling upon me. I always remembered people saying you'd grow apart from your highschool friends, but I always thought, "not my friends. I won't let it happen." Guess what. I must not have extended my effort enough.

I got a bad feeling about this. I got a bad feeling about this.

I told some people this, but it's like I have these parts to me that are fading away. Like my childhood, my highschool years, etc... I was warned about this... gosh... why didn't i listen. why didn't i live. There is so much that i want to hold on to, but i guess that is life. Life is hard. Life is sacrifice. Life is swallowing the lumps. Life is a journey.
As I sit around and fiddle with the duldrums of my living quarters, I feel like life is not a journey. I feel life is just a waste of time. I want to do something!! How do you make life not boring? Ya do something Ryan. Of course. But, it's like I've been raised in this middle-upper-class American boring neighborhood where everyone stays individual, and just zones out on the television. And, I don't know how to get out of it... I don't want to be sucked in. Oh, I so don't. Now I start to realize why all my old friends are leaving this place. They don't want to be sucked in. Had I better get out too?
Shalom.

Ouch.

So, it's a friday night and I'm all by my lonesome... I can't get a hold of any of my friends from highschool, because I'm not in the cell phone loop. Thought I would hang out with my bro... but:
As I proceed to ask my brother if he wants to do something tonight, he's like, "uhhhh... I don't feel good," and goes and lays on his bed... No more than 5 minutes later, his girlfriend calls, and what do ya know! He's suddenly all better and ready to go! Hmm... I believe the term is "cold", but if you find a better one, let me know please.

I am so bored. I thought I missed home, but, the fact is, I don't get home sick. I miss not being home. I miss AU. I'm really starting to regret not spending the week at Audge's house... I feel like nothing is getting done when I'm at home. I have way too much free time. All there is to do, it seems like, is watch TV and sleep, but I am sick of that already. I got my hopes way up and shot way down... I was expecting everyone to be like, "Oh, Ryan's home! Let's do something fun, let's enjoy the summer weather, let's do SOMETHING, anything, Ryan will make it fun." That's not the way it is though, and it's probably my fault for the most part...
no words of wisdom tonight. sorry.
shalom.

Take 1, Take 2, Take Action.

Now listening to: Fly Away by Paul Wright

Man, I'm so contradictory to what I believe in. Why is that?!!?! What is my deal? Why why why? Okay, here's the deal. I packed for the summer as I was leaving Anderson University, and I did not have much room to pack a lot of clothes. So, I packed the bear essentials. Many a time, I had to ask myself, "Do I really need this? or do I just want to have it to comfort me?" It's rediculous how hard this was, but what should I learn from this? Well, I packed this stuff, which doesn't seem like a lot (but is) and I don't really need any more than that... So....
Why in the world do I have the rest of my junk?!?!?! The answer-- COMFORT. It is, I believe, Satan's greatest weapon against the world. Instead of persecution, he has just given us everything we need, so we forget about God. But at least we feel good.
This recalls all of the conversations I've had with my christian friends-- about how we need to be this community that puts in everything, lives on only what it needs, and gives to those who need. It seems like there is a conclusion to take this action everytime a conversation like this happens, but then what happens?? NOTHING. That's so diculous that it's rediculous.
We always give up because we think that this perfect idea is impossible to achieve. It is, but it isn't. It has to start somewhere, ya know? It's possible if you take action to what you have felt God calling you to do, but it's impossible if you don't because you can't put your hope in other people in taking action.
Shalom.

Demasiado Tarde

Now listening to: The Unusual Mix Ep, A Rush of Blood to the Head, and Parachutes
This year has ending, my friends are gone, I am now grateful, why couldn't I have been grateful earlier? Each day I fretted about what the best way to spend time with them would look like, instead of just spending time and making it the best... All those smiles, all those laughs, and a little too late, did I realize they wouldn't always last. It makes my heart empty as this building that I remain in is, it makes my heart empty to see I have ended a reign of life, it makes my heart empty to think that I probably didn't attempt to give to them as much as they gave to me... I miss you so much am I'm sorry I didn't express that more before you left.

Time is so important, but so misinterpreted.Clocks are ticking everywhere and everybody constantly checks on them, but for one time I come to the consequencial conclusion that I shouldn't have been watching the clock to see if I was using my time wisely, because I figured out the clock, the clcok was using me.
Worry. Clocks bring worry. Why do we check them? So, we can't anticipate the future, so we can calculate how much we have to hurry, how much we have to stress. Did you think? Did you really think? That checking on that clock would make you worry any less? Accomplish any more?
I waste away today, this I know. But, why am I not totally made nauseous by that thought?America. We have been brain washed. It is true, and hardly anyone takes notice to the fact. The ones doing the brain washing, don't even realize it... sad... "Culture" "relevance" "that's just the way it is"-- things we use as excuses to comfort our incompleteness and weakness of not doing our best.
These thoughts swim through my head and may not makes sense, but that's the way my head works- it doesn't even makes sense to me sometimes. I don't even know what to do with what I just said... I'm a dork, but there's two kinds of people: People who know they're dorks and people who don't.
Shalom.

Here's to Tonight

Now listening to: nothing

Well, it is the end of the year... man, it doesn't even feel like it... All the guys in the hall are almost gone, a few carrying their boxes of junk and scooting their couches down the hallways...

I think I'm sort of numb to the whole missing everybody because I'm not going to see them this summer. Maybe it's because I've moved so much all my life and I've just gotten used to it... Well, that's what I think the case is, or would like to think because I'd just be a cold, heartless jerk any other way.

I am excited. About this summer. I've got a bit of responsibility-- I will be hosting groups to do missions work in inner city Chicago. I'm gonna be on my own for the most part, which is crazy to think about. Chicago has tons of stuff to do (that's if I have enough free time). It's going to stink though, not being able to see my girlfriend... I feel bad for her sometimes that she puts up with my awkward, nonsense bolagna that I give to her whenever I'm in her presence.

I am so messed up right now, with Audrey that is... I don't know if she reads these, but if she does, then I'm crazy for doing this, but, hey, I figured she's liked me even after a lot of stuff she's found out, so I might as well throw it out there... I just feel "blah", ya know? I feel like there's never gonna be a point in my life where I'm going to need somebody other than Jesus Christ. I'm honestly not trying to look superior to dating or anything, but, the fact is, I don't need a girlfriend. Audrey is sooo good to me, and she is so perfect, but all these questions are sprinting through my brain: am I glorifying God more because of her in my life? is she glorifying God more because of me in her life? what if she's the one? do I pursue things further? how do I "pursue things further"? what if she's not the one? do i end it? is Audrey a really good friend or a soulmate? how do I know? do I kiss her? is our relationship too physical? too exclusive? am I being real with her? is she being real with me? am i wasting her time? is she wasting my time? why can't I be normal?

All questions. No answers. My life. Shalom.