Here's to Tonight

Now listening to: nothing

Well, it is the end of the year... man, it doesn't even feel like it... All the guys in the hall are almost gone, a few carrying their boxes of junk and scooting their couches down the hallways...

I think I'm sort of numb to the whole missing everybody because I'm not going to see them this summer. Maybe it's because I've moved so much all my life and I've just gotten used to it... Well, that's what I think the case is, or would like to think because I'd just be a cold, heartless jerk any other way.

I am excited. About this summer. I've got a bit of responsibility-- I will be hosting groups to do missions work in inner city Chicago. I'm gonna be on my own for the most part, which is crazy to think about. Chicago has tons of stuff to do (that's if I have enough free time). It's going to stink though, not being able to see my girlfriend... I feel bad for her sometimes that she puts up with my awkward, nonsense bolagna that I give to her whenever I'm in her presence.

I am so messed up right now, with Audrey that is... I don't know if she reads these, but if she does, then I'm crazy for doing this, but, hey, I figured she's liked me even after a lot of stuff she's found out, so I might as well throw it out there... I just feel "blah", ya know? I feel like there's never gonna be a point in my life where I'm going to need somebody other than Jesus Christ. I'm honestly not trying to look superior to dating or anything, but, the fact is, I don't need a girlfriend. Audrey is sooo good to me, and she is so perfect, but all these questions are sprinting through my brain: am I glorifying God more because of her in my life? is she glorifying God more because of me in her life? what if she's the one? do I pursue things further? how do I "pursue things further"? what if she's not the one? do i end it? is Audrey a really good friend or a soulmate? how do I know? do I kiss her? is our relationship too physical? too exclusive? am I being real with her? is she being real with me? am i wasting her time? is she wasting my time? why can't I be normal?

All questions. No answers. My life. Shalom.