Caution: Freudian Slippery When Wet.

Are you a person who thinks there is meaning to everything?
Click and clack at the very keys that are aloof before me to dissect this.

A professor I had once drew a circle on the black board, turned around, and very monotonely said, "If this is your life, then how much of it is God concerned with?"
"All of it," because that is the right answer (Just in case someone asks you).
"What about the parts of it that you hate, like class?"

It's this conversation that I take in my mind and put in the basin on the side of the balance labeled, "Every occurrence has meaning or purpose."
Imagine how life would be if you would believe that every part of your life has the opportunity to point to its ultimate purpose. I think that would be wonderful. I think that would make everything make much more freeing, in the sense that there is always something to look for even when life seems to leave us too dead to open our eyes.



The other side labeled: "Everything is coincidental."
I don't like suffering. Unfortunately, I learn greatly from the times of depression, boredom, and suffering.
I can't speak for others though. Friends tell me of tragedies like being raped or family dying.
I can't say that those things have purpose or meaning, because I don't want them to. I want to cut them out of my friends, paint over them with white or black, and put them back in. Like a magic trick, abra-cadabra, and poof-- they never happened.

shalom.

My Dreams are Weird

Everybody has dreams. I guess not everyone, but most.
Do most dreamers have dreams like me?

I sure hope not, because I have dreams about running away from zombies and shooting them with pencil guns. I sure hope not because I have dreams of dirt roads covered with more milk than we can pick up with our buckets. I sure hope not because I have dreams about motorcycle deliveries through mountains of dried up beans. I sure hope not because I have dreams about all of the trees falling down and I can't step out of the way. I sure hope not because I have dreams about dying and watching people die. I sure hope not because I have dreams of awkward kisses, spanish exclamations, and everyday occurences.
I sure hope not because my dreams don't make sense.

It would explain a lot, though-- a world where no one follows their dreams because our dreams are ever-so intriguing, but endlessly understandable.

shalom.

What We Are

We all are what we are,
We just don't know it yet.
No matter how close, how far,
Or however the light may set.
No matter how depressed, how estastic,
No matter how terrible, how fantastic
We may perceive,
We may demonstrate,
We may believe,
We may angel-sate,
We all are what we are,
We just don't know it yet.

shalom.

i can see...

I can see myself going crazy...

and it is not a pretty sight.

I can see myself going crazy...

and it is beautifully wonderful.

Life's Thread

It's the thread of life

that we must attempt to tight-rope walk on,

with many dangers of falling and missing.

For anything else,

shall remain seen,

as the mundane distraction,

that happens in a circus.

shalom.

Grenade Launcher Slip

Sorry, it was the first set of words that I laid my eyes on today, plus I thought it would be funny to waste someone's time if they decided to look up "grenade launcher" on google or something. Well, the fun is over.
-----
I've started doing this thing again where I sleep away my problems. And, lately my problem is life, so yeah...
I sleep a lot lately.
-----
Christmas is bringing itself upon us again this year. I'm not too excited. I can't help thinking of how we've made a blessed event into a scam to see what good being really greedy will do ourselves. HA.
-----
Anyways...
I'm gonna go.

shalom.

Sitcom Moments and Realizations of One's Ambitions

Now listening to: In Rainbows by Radiohead
This album is scrumtrulescent. Did you know they were giving out free downloads of the c.d.? Well, they did, and now it's too late if you want it.
Anyways...

Ch. 1
I love sitcom-moments in actual life. Do you understand what I mean? Okay, it's those moments when something happens and it just seems like t.v. dejavu. It happened to me last night. I was just standing there, and my mom says, "You're gonna go, aren't you?"
At first, I was thinking, "Is she reading my mind?" But, I tried to bluff and said, "Where did that come from?"
"You just look like you're dressed to go somewhere."
"Oh. No, I'm just comfortable." That was a close one. I almost had to be honest about all the metaphorical bolts in my head that are screwing with my life.

Ch. 2
Last night I went outside and for some odd reason (besides it being close to Christmas) I thought, "What am I going to give people for Christmas?" The first person that came to mind was my brother, Heath, and his saying of how musicians look like bad-asses when they smoke a cigarette while jamming out. I thought of how I could take advantage of his interest in that, but then I just realized that I'm trying to impress him. Why? I could be wrong, but I'm close to sure that he already looks up to me. Then I started thinking about how all my motivation to "do things" with my life involves impressing people. Hahaha... what a low blow to myself. All this time I was simply trying to be famous and masking it with phrases like, "loving God", "loving people", and "changing the world."

Ambition is a misleading greed.

And for some reason, a line from the movie, Fight Club, came to mind:
"It's not until you lose everything, that you're free to do anything."
And, then I thought of Jesus saying something similar. I thought of how he would say to me what I would need to hear from him.
I thought he would want me to be free. I thought that he would take anything I asked him to, if it were to help me approach this freedom.
So, I asked him to take everything.
I didn't hear him say anything and I didn't feel him do anything, but I assume that was because of my limited humaness and faith, so I made myself believe that he took everything I asked him to take, because, deep down inside, I believe God is perfect and, since he is perfect, I think, he would've taken all that I offered to him.

shalom.

life is like food.

now listening to: bullet and a target by citizen cope

Dag yo. Why was I so depressed for the past two days? Oh well, it's not like it doesn't usually happen. My friend called me tonight and I felt better. It's obvious of my position. I'm in an undigestable fork in the road. All of the choices on my plate are good, healthy choices, but I just don't know which one I want. That's been my problem throughout life-- I want my choices on a buffet line, so I don't have to pick and choose my diet of entrees of life that I can inhale.

But, that would be too easy, now wouldn't it?

Of course it would, silly Ryan.

Like most things in life, moderation is key. Choose one thing. Let it take its course through your system. And, if you get hungry again...

eat.


shalom.

If Jesus were me...

I really do think that Jesus was actual person who existed and lived the perfect life-- one full of love. He did not go to college. He was not wealthy. He did not write a book. He lived a simple life and changed the history of the world and humanity.

If I truly believe this, then how do I react? I understand a lot of things that I have done, Jesus would not have done. I have learned from the mistakes that I can make right and learn from, but what about the mistakes that have to do with money? I have tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and even though I have a degree labeled, "Christian Ministries," I don't think Jesus would have spent that much money on that. This is a mistake that I cannot simply ignore. I have a responsibility to pay it off. I think I am rambling on and on too much.

Basically, my problem is this: I can see/imagine what Jesus would have done if he were in my shoes, but I can't see/image what he would do if he were in my shoes right now.

And, I don't really know how I find that out.

I mean, I know I can pray, read the Bible, or just keep "living" out my life and better myself as I look back at things I've done wrong. These things do help me imagine the perfect love of Jesus more than I had before, but he is perfect. That makes me think he would never be in the situation that I am, so then how do I know what he would do? It's hard for me to have a bracelet that says, "w.w.j.d?"

My question is loaded.

W.w.j.d.i.h.m.a.m?

(what would Jesus do if he made a mistake?)

I paralyze myself in this paradox.

How do I see this perfect love with a blurry vision? How do I feel this perfect love with numb hands? How do I live this perfect love with broken legs?

It does not feel like the appropiate response to my need of an answer, but...

I will only find the right answer to my question after I have asked too many wrong questions and guessed too many wrong answers.

shalom.

All I find myself doing is sitting and breathing.

I want to help people in the problem I'm in,
but that seems impossible.

Things are never what they seem, but...
sometimes they are.

It seems that I owe some people a lot of money. What if I don't want to? I'm only joking, because that, my friends, is illegal. I wish I could find some buried treasure under my sleeping bag and pay it all off. Just like that. Bada bing, bada boom.

I'm boring myself and probably you, so...

Shalom.

the who i shall become

now listening to: a place to bury strangers by a place to bury strangers

Memories bring me to the past,
And bug me to be someone I was.
Mangled, innocent, and fast,
And opinionated just because.
,
I ought to let my memories know,
That the who I am now, is the one

Who is far closer to
A who I shall become.
Show everything to everyone

This who shall show.
Right out of me, it's the only who will
Understand this hurting sister, and
Express my yearning and eager love.
.

shalom.

The Infamous "do".

now listening to: "down the line" by Jose Gonzalez
this song is amazing. check it out on my space music or something else trendy and easily accessible.

I didn't have a cellphone all my life. Honestly, I wish I did because I've lost so many friends from a lack of contact. Maybe I just want all those old friends back; not the cellphone.
I was starting to say something... What was it? Oh, yeah: I have a handful of friends I keep in touch with these days. Almost every time a conversation takes place with one of these friends, the infamous "do" comes up. You know the one I speak of. It usually follows after, "What are you going to..."

My response is repetitive: "I don't know."

Here's the thing about me if you didn't know: I try to act like I don't care, because if I don't care then life (or lack there-of) can't bother me, right? Wrong. I know it's wrong because, in my mess of a mind, I am worrying, crying, or just plain angry a lot of the time.

I want to do everything. I want to read books, write books, play guitar, learn to play other instruments, write music, listen to music, make clothes, make art, make stuff, make movies, watch movies, travel, hang out with my friends, hang out with my family, smoke some cigarettes, be homeless, love people, love God, and make some damn money to pay off this hideous debt that is accumulating from college and hospitals.

This would be so much easier if I had the super-power to duplicate myself. That is greedy, I know, but it's not like I want to conquer the world.
Ahhhh!
I don't know. I am incredibly ungrateful for my life, at any given moment. I want to be grateful.
I sit up all night, not able to fall asleep, but just praying and thinking of what the hell will ever make me appreciative of the life I have. Nothing ever happens. I just end up thinking about how I have hurt so many people and been the exact example that I don't want to be: A boy who has grown up and not tried harder, but not because he doesn't want to, but because he has no idea of what to do.

I keep doing certain things, though. I take my medicine. I eat. I play my guitar. I sing. I sit. I smoke a couple cigarettes. I write on this web page.

It's much easier to figure out why you like doing the things you do rather than to not like anything about yourself and figure out how to be someone else.

shalom.

i don't know.
almost everything is pissing me off lately.


shalom.

song

I know it is a difficult day when I do not realize I lack proper deodorant application ten minutes before I go to bed. Craziness y'all.

I wonder if my blog is fancy enough. I look at others' and theirs have videos and pictures and what-not. I just have words. I mean, I don't have words and nothing esle, but it seems that way for the people that read this. Nevermind.

I woke up at seven in the morning to obscinities being screamed and a little girl threatening to kill herself. I don't like that. I acted like I was asleep, then actually fell back asleep an hour later. When I woke up, the only thing I could think to do was write a song.

Christmas Time (what matters most)

It's that time of year,

so draw your family near,

even when we may scream and fight,

or say things we may not mean,

we must realize,

that there is one thing,

that matters most.

The snow shall fall,

and cover the ground,

and we may have regrets

fall from our mouths.

But we must not forget,

that there is something,

that matters most.

Open all the presents,

that lie under the tree.

Eat lots of Christmas ham,

and decorate cookies.

These things shall come and go,

but we must always know,

what matters most,

is, family,

family,

is what matters most.

shalom.

A friend asked me to write positive things about myself.

If you could see

my face right now,

then you could understand.

My eyes have blinded themselves from the mirror.

My ears have deafened themselves from compliments.

My mouth has muted itself from encouragement.

My body has grown old.

My mind has gone mad.

My spirit is hidden amongst the dirt and ash.

shalom.

american haikus

There
We don't ever know,
where we're gonna go.
Then we're there-- right where we went.

Late
I take a long time...
So apprehensive.
When my chance comes, it's too late.

Jeans pt. 1

Watched a show today.

Said jeans make you fat.

Then I should throw mine away.

Legos
My brother likes legos.
I sure like them too.
But he's too noisy with them.

PA
Pennsylvania,
not Indiana,
has mountains and lots of snow.

IN
Indiana, though,
has all of my friends.
Pennsylvania does not.

Jeans pt. 2
So apparently,
jeans don't make you fat.
I wish I had my jeans back.

Hear
I want to hear God,
but I can't hear Him.
I need to shut the hell up.

Jeans pt. 3
So, who's idea was that,
using the same word?
I have shorts, but it's snowing.

Milk Chocolate
I like chocolate.
I like milk as well,
but I hate granola bars.

Yell
Sister and mom yell.
I used to yell back.
Now I give up and go smoke.

What you own
Do you control it?
No, it controls you.
Throw it all in the river.

Fauhawk pt. 1
I got a cellphone.
I got a I-Pod.
I got a fauhawk. I'm awesome.

Fauhawk pt. 2
Silly fauhawk kid.
Look at my dreadlocks.
They're long, brown, and beautiful.

shalom.

Thanksgiving Day.
I am thankful for snow, for friends that keep in touch, for awkward family, for dramatic family, for brother, brother, and sister, sister, for Christmas trees, for freezing smoke breaks, for my four-legged feline, June, for hot showers and electric blankets, for coffee by the pot, for turkey, turkey, and (you guessed it) more turkey, for long drives with no radio, for all the times I remember life is worth living, for all the hugs and kisses, for the things I learn from my mistakes, and for the silence that is driving my mind mad.


For how thankful I am, I'm still hate who I am. This is not a cry for help, although it may sound like it and it's not me passively asking, "why?" It's just me being honest. Sorry if you don't like it. It's not like I enjoy it. I will get over it. It's just a phase, right? I hope so, because I am ready for another kind of phase, like a sumo-training phase, a monastery-life phase, a hitch-hiking phase, and/or a "make money doing what I love and pay off my $60,000+ debt" phase.

shalom.

p.s. or a "have all my friends from Indiana move to Pennsylvania" phase. I would really like to have that phase in my life right now.

MISTAKES
They leave you.
You leave them.
They come back to haunt you.
They crush hearts and friends.
They go away when you're drunk,
then come back again.
Their past defiles and defines who you are now,
because the you now is the you you've been.

They tear holes so large,

too large to ever mend.

They leave you.

You leave them.

They come back to crush you,

and show that how good you seem is only pretend.

shalom.

my friend said i should write something.
i think my friend just wants me to feel good.


i do.


shalom.

word game: i vs. me

indiana was great. i got depressed or realized i was already. i laughed. i cried. my house was a mess. i got to see so many people and feel a lot of love from them. didn't get to say goodbye to a lot of those people. that really sucks. i was very perturbed by the circumstances, but no worries. i'm not leaving forever, so goodbye is not necessary.

now i'm in pennsylvania. the doctors' appointments are rolling on by. i wished my father a happy birthday, but he was asleep. i watch my cat trying to rid shimself of ear mites or fleas, whichever it has. i eat sometimes. i take medicines. i sweep. i look around. i wait. i go to bed telling myself all the crazy-cool things i'll do the next day. i wake up with an epiphany of how uncrazy-cool those ideas actually were. i look around some more.

that's my life. don't get too excited, i know. the only time i feel alive is when i hear from friends over the telephone signals. other than that, i attempt to make my life interesting by fretting over stupid things, like how i eat too much, how i don't exercise enough, how i don't have a job, how i have no friends here, how i'm a jerk a lot of times to my family, how my life will only be lived two months at a time because of the hospital attention i will need for the rest of my life... you know, things like that.

where is God in all of this? i know i can find Him somewhere, but, "looking for Him," just seems to say that God isn't right here, right now. i know He is. and, if He is right here, right now, then what do i do? do i merely accept that or do i take action? deep down, i want to change the world. a lot of my friends are in that after-college stage where, "i can't change the world, and i'm okay with that," is acceptable. that drives me bonkers, but then again, if i believe otherwise, shouldn't i be changing the world?

word games inside my head.
that's what i think all of this is.
i've just got to the point of boredom where anything is better than nothing. even word games inside my head, or writing the word games on a website where i can pretend millions of people want to hear me ramble on about my shallow, naive thoughts of what everything means. haha. and it's funny, because as i sit here contemplating what everything means, i know i can never figure it out by doing nothing.

do you want to hear more? no? well, that's okay i suppose. i'll guess i'll go play with my hair or lay down or something.

shalom.


p.s. thanks.

tie me up, untie me by mewithoutyou

"I was looking at the leaves, climbing to the tops of the trees, but you were nowhere to be found; Just beneath all the green you were buried like a little seed among the roots and underground. I was licking at the leaves, but I was in short sleeves and you, you were like some sickness that I caught. My sweet heart moved away, swept off like garbage in the alleyway.
And I need more grace than I thought.
Oh, please, brother, I am far. Brother, I am far away. Brother, I am far away from everything. Oh, brother, I am far. Brother, I am far away. Brother, I am far away from everything good!
She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me while I follow like thread. Tie me up! Untie me! All this wishing I was dead is getting old. It's getting old!... it goes on, but it's old.
I was swimming through the waves for what must have been days, but could find no relief. When I started sinking down I thought for certain I would drown, until I saw you in the ocean underneath all the bright colored fish tell of a treasure in a dull shell. Such subtlety, so easily missed. You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love, and I'm the living example of 100% the opposite of this.
If I ask the same questions. Well, yes, sir, I ask the same questions. Well, maybe I repeat myself from time to time. But if I ask the same questions... and then I know I ask the same questions, It's because everyone who answers me is a liar!
She's like the hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me while I follow like thread. But, you untied me... didn't You untie me, Lord? And I haven't even thought about killing myself in almost five months."

you need Jesus... i need Jesus.

you know what i hate?
i hate the fact that the phrase, "You need Jesus," has become offensive to hear.

it may be harsh to tell somebody that he or she needs Jesus, but i believe it is the truth.

I NEED JESUS.

does that mean i don't have Jesus?

i would say, "yes and no." I believe in Jesus and i want so bad for him to be more real in my life, but a lot of times, i don't even think about Jesus. i do not like that about myself, but i am just being open and honest. i would venture to say that most people (even Christians) are lost a lot of the time. And by lost, i mean that they don't see Jesus, or don't hear Him, or aren't looking for Him, or listening to Him, or can't find Him, or whatever that time in one's life is labeled as. If we are lost, what are we lost to? Jesus? I don't think so, i would say that, sometimes,we lose Jesus. If we were perfect, we wouldn't, but we're not perfect. That sucks, but the truth it is. And when this happens, what should we do? Need Jesus. Yearn for Jesus. Struggle and search for Jesus.

am i saying that somebody can or can't lose their salvation?

i don't know. i don't think so, but who knows. i think it's far more necessary to ask ourselves how we live a life where we don't have to wonder and can just know. i'm not as elloquent with words as you may think, so i would do a horrible duty of defending either side of this argument.

so, i'm sorry if i offended you, but you do need Jesus. i mean it out of love and i know it doesn't seem that way, but that's because i tend to be an a-hole most of the time when i'm not thinking about what God wants me to say. i'll try not to be an a-hole so much, but it's really difficult for me becaus i don't think much. i really do mean this out of love for you, for myself, and for God.

shalom.

one at a time (?i don't know. i just wrote and let it come out)

now listening to: in rainbows by radiohead
(this is amAzing!)

i am here, i am here, i am here, i am here, i am hearing everything, but am i ever listening, listening to myself, i can't hear myself thinking, thinking of all the times i was not perfect, all the times i made mistakes, mistakes built up like sand castles, brought down by crashing waves, waves hello, waves goodbye, waves of heat, they all come crashing, crashing windows, crashing walls, crashing hopes, hopes of what is yet to come, come by when it wants, it wants nothing more than that, that it could come by, bye, bye, bye, as we all sigh, sight and sound surround this whole town and brings us down, down the hill, into the city, the lights are ignoring the sidewalk today, today will only come when it is passed away, away with you, away with you, you gave all you had to, all you had to say was "take all this away", did you, or did you stay, stay and remain calm, one at a time, single-file line, please, one at a time, we all sing together, one at a time, let it all out, shout if you have to, one at a time, time and time and time again, make everything your best friend, except your best friends, no sense, no sense at all, all at once, breathe, scream, and sing, one at a time, time to think, time to remember what it was like, like you, like me, like when this was all so easy, like and dislikes given so easily, easily forgotten how rotten things can be, be calm, calm down, down to the city, walk the streets, follow the sidewalk, remember to breathe, all at once, one at a time, time is enough, enough of some goes a long way, a long way to go, way to go, you made it this far, all to do now is to do the same, same as you done, done thus far, all at once, one at a time.

shalom.

easy life, hard times.

life can only be easy if we desire it,
and, even then,
life may not seem that easy for ourselves.

times are hard. that is true.
but life is a choice.
that choice can be easy or hard.

to me, it seems that every moment consists of three basic choices:
we can live and fight for what we believe.
we can run from and ignore what we know is true.
or, we can give up, feel sorry for ourselves, distract ourselves and not do anything.


i pray and hope that i, as well as you, start choosing the foremost.

shalom.

attempt to assinate the stars

my belly is getting bigger,
sitting in this prison,
my mind has created for my heart.

i wait, i watch, i bleed.
i worry, i whine, i weep,
for a finish to what won't even start.

point my gun to the sky,
frivolously firing.
bang. bang. bang.
nothing to ricochet these bullets.
try to assassinate one of the sterling silvers.
these bullets will grow weary, though,
and return to the earth beside my feet.

anger at beauty
looks more like the opposite.
bang. bang. bang.
since i aim so high,
bullets are only sent away,
so that they may come back
and kill me.

ambitions are misled and masked.
they appear passionate and resilient,
but are simply the heart lashing out at its owner.

shalom.

repent for the kingdom is near and at hand

Repenting is a lot harder than we think it is. Most of us believe(d) that repenting is just this 5 second interval where we put are hands together, close our eyes, and say/think, "God, i'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Repenting, i found out later, is actually, "a changing of one's mind and actions." To actually change the way we are and the way we usually react to situations or people... it's revolutionary/simple/annoying/tiring. Especially, if the old way was to just let the problem fix itself. And it sucks when we don't know if anyone will ever even notice our small repentance, but, then again, we suppose that is not the point.

My example is my encounters with my sister. She is awesome, but we argue friviously. We are too much alike sometimes.

I hate that she hurts. I get so mad at the anger and sorrow in her, that i, in turn, just snap out in anger back, because that's the way i thought one fixes problems. It never helped. It never got better. So, i had to go outside and think about this. Maybe my way of fighting for her looks like fighting against her. Maybe my heart for her is not being told from my actions. Maybe i am wrong a lot. Maybe i need to step up and apologize to her. Maybe i need to speak up. Maybe i need to quit telling myself i'm loving her enough and start telling myself how much i could love her more.

The thoughts start swirling, and then...

BAM!
my head hurts.




shalom.

p.s. i got charged by a skunk last night as my epiphany to change occured.

i haven't slept for 30 hours.

we hit a deer.

i am bored now.

shalom.

i can't believe that i've deserved the bad things in my life...

or the good things, for that matter.

I can merely try to see true love and allow it to engulf me.

shalom.

rescue pa

so, i am in pennsylvania.
i am pretty sure i almost died. i was very sick. nobody really understood how bad it was. i just got out of the hospital after being in there for 9 days... and i'm still sick. at least i don't feel like i'm going to die soon, though. my mom came to the rescue. moms are good for that-- caring more than anyone else (even more than you care for yourself).

so, i have no job. i still have bills to pay. half of my stuff is in indiana. i am sick. i want to live. i have no idea what i am to do next in my life.

hopefully, i will figure it out.
or someone else will.

shalom.

sighed

well, i have experienced my first, paid vacation.
i did nothing big. i just went home. i missed my family.
i have spent 80% of this trip lying down-- either sleeping, or just lying there. i am not feeling good. a lot lately, but i'm working on getting help. it's just hard.
i want to snap my fingers and have all these troubles of our world vanish.
i really do not want to work in a gas station for many years.
i need to find a job where i can express my passion more to others.
it's very hard to find.
or, at least i think so.

okay, i shall go lay down again.
i come back to a-town tomorrow.
shalom.

side

i am turning into a very thin thing, i am.
my dreams cover half the day lately.
i don't want to sit. i don't want to stand. i don't want to walk.
i want to lie on my side for days.
i want to sew the lips shut on every person that asks me for something.
i want to be invested into, wanted, given love.

i can only give so much to those around me.
but i am sick.
very sick.
i need given back once and a little while.

i am going home soon.
i am happy.

shalom.

lightning

my life has become very simple lately.
the internet is a pool in the desert.
i stand behind a computer in a gas station,
offering deals, donuts, and products of convenience.

lately, i just watch.

kids who are probably on drugs.
adults who are probably on drugs.
people who spend frantically.
women who are crying.
men who are angry.
people who think they have to be hard,
who think they deserve every ounce of fear,
who talk of beat down the next person that comes along.

they are all so lonely.
i am lonely too.

i watched the news.
all the children were sick.

i sure am ready for all of this healing to come down,
like a bolt of lighting,
that burns our memories from our eyes,
and the pain from our hearts.

i probably won't talk again for awhile,
but i am still alive.
do not worry.

shalom.

Oh, somebody make me afraid of myself

i have made friends with a modern-day pharisee.

his life is like a house.

built pretty for everyone to see.

his view on his own view is perfect,

yet he is hiding something.

deep down in the belly of his pretty little house,

the evil secrets of what his life actually is.



i wish i could tell him

to quit denying his words with his actions,

because he will turn away without listening...



Could one question actually have someone listen to it?

Could one question actually make someone think perspectively?

Could one question actually pierce through the eyes and light the heart on fire?

Could one question actually change a man's heart?



Dear Friend,

it is not your duty to find out if it is you,

but merely absorb my question:



Who are you trying to fool?

shalom.

i am a piece of crap. i don't do what i'm supposed to.

i am not depressed.
i am just being honest.
where's the balance of saying how much i need grace?
because i know i need grace more than i don't deserve.


i am detached.
not really from the world,
but from christians.
i feel like i can't relate, like i don't fit in the body of christ, that i see gathering in these buildings.

but when i'm working at a gas station in the middle of the night,
i know God is with me and i fit in-- i belong.
if this is true,
am i really a part of the body, or am i an sixth finger?-- still usable, just not cared for.

God has guided me thus far, and i am tired, honestly, but i must push on and believe that God can change the world through me and a gas station...

cuz if i don't, then i'm not living.


shalom.

This is my life right now:

i know i'm a piece of shit,

but i just want to stop being reminded that i am.

it's hard when i know what everyone i know already thinks about me.


shalom.

all that i know,
i warn all of you,
my love for you is broken.
broken like me.
don't ever expect perfect love,
just run and hide.
run and hide from me.

shalom.

lice

my money got stolen,
and my movie-player is gone,
my door is broke.
it could be worse.
i just don't want to
find the lice living in my hair.

is God out to get us?
is Satan out to get us?
who shall prevail?
and will we keep sail?
i just don't want to
find the 'thing' keeping the beast alive.

because that 'thing' is mostly me.

i mess up.
i concentrate too hard.
i've lost my thoughts,
in my past.
and my past
is never too far.
i've lost my sights,
in my heart.

even if the light blinds me,
i'll try to open my eyes.
going blind is far better
far better than closing my eyes.

because i won't keep staring inside of me.

shalom.

decisions

oh, i started all over again,
where did i start,
where shall i end?

this could have all been so easy, to make the choices, that is. i could have either decided to do something or decided to do something else.
but what did i decide?
nothing.

it's weird sometimes, because i'll not recognize my own face. who have i become? have i been pretending to act like Jesus so long, that i forgot who i was, what i want, and how God wants to use me?

I feel like everything is color-faded, volume-depleted, and passion-lacked. that is my fault. i know that. so, i must do. simply do. simply do that one crazy feeling in my gut that says, "hey, run down the street," or "hey, go talk to that person," or "hey, make a pancake". Because denying that God could ever want to talk to me or use me is sure getting old. i have a purpose. i have strength. i have the stupidity to follow Jesus. i have no excuse to let my life become another number in the statistics. i'm sick of thinking, "if i don't change, i will die a miserable person."

it's funny because i thought working at a gas station had nothing to do with God, but little did i know...
- a kid comes in addicted to drugs asking me how Jesus can help him not waste his life away.
- a man tells me how he's praying for the right woman to help him raise his son.
- a girl begins to take a journey on how to realize that she is not defined by who likes her but how God sees her.

i don't know what my life will be when i die, but i do know that this moment, right now, is part of it.

and i have to decide,
to either point everything in my life towards Jesus,
or to fade away.

i don't want to fade away.

i want to live.

shalom.


p.s.

haikus

so, the other night i was waiting for my roommate to bring me food and i was also very bored.
so, i decided to right some haiku's.
it was fun.
here are some of them:

To J.R.
we started looking
anywhere and everywhere.
are you lost like me?

Theresa
baptist by belief
with manager character.
this job is her life.

Boots
boots so big and black,
and she is always laughing,
but i think she's sad.

Where
oh, where did this start?
tell me, where did this begin?
cuz i want to know.

Heart
heart hurts. heart hurts bad.
it almost made me throw up.
need to cut it out.

Haiku
I'm writing a haiku,
because i'm so dang bored.
that's really funny.


sadly, this is the most fun i've had in the past two weeks.
i'm lazy. and i hope i change.
but hoping for change doesn't always bring about change.
shalom.

let's all turn around

let's all turn around.
we'll have such a slendid time.
we can ignore our faults
and throw down the awards that exhalt
us that we happen to find.

oh, let's all turn around,
together if we must,
forget all
you've ever smelt,
ever heard, or ever touched.

oh, come on and we'll turn around,
losing all the memories
and carrying all the sound.
we can wave our hands in the air
and stomp our feet on the ground.

so let's all turn around
as fast as we ever could,
shooting down
everything we shouldn't
and everything we should.

oh brother, oh sister,
let's turn right around together,
on each other in this very moment,
So we can prove them all correct,
and destroy this world on one drop of a feather.


shalom.

maybe

maybe i should let people turn to God.
maybe i should turn to God.
maybe's will be maybe's for days,
but maybe will never make maybe's go away.
so let's plant these maybe's in the ground
and walk away...

and look back at that maybe
as it fades...

into the dirt.


shalom.

"i am ready,
i am ready,
i am ready,
i
am
fine..."

i thought it was a good idea to let people know i'm sick,
but now i'm just bitter the more i find out people know.
i want to dissapear.

i appreciate the care, but just let me be...


shalom.

i won't stop bleeding.



why won't God heal me?



shalom.

"tie me up, untie me, almost wishing i was dead,

it's getting it's getting old. it goes on, but it's old..."

man, i don't know what to do anymore. this is all so tiring.

should i treat someone like a wild stallion? do i just keep chasing something that doesn't want to be caught? or do i treat them like a human being with resposibilities?

i don't know.

i had two and a half days off. nothing happened. a dear friend told me i suck and truly meant it and a girl told me she's not suprised when i mess things up. these two things happened at the same time.

needless to say, i sat on the kitchen floor crying for about an hour.

it's so hard-- pushing in, that is. always streching yourself out to everybody, even when they're not letting you in. the church i go to, the friends i talk to, the girl i like. and it's not like these are small parts of my life. these are the biggest parts of my heart that i care about. Ahhh!!! was this supposed to be hard? did i make it hard? are they making it hard? i don't know.

but i do know that i hurt and i'm exhausted,

but i have to keep on living how i feel i'm supposed to,

right?

shalom.

shalom.

do not be confused, brother,

i may be hurting.
but this time is short.
and my God will overcome pain.

easily.


and i have shalom.
and joy.
i have jesus
and he has me,
so what need
is there to worry.
i know, if i need it,
He will grab me by the hair
and carry me...

to heaven.








shalom.

i almost went to missouri.



too bad.



to hell with your exciting, little ideas....



dan.




shalom.

5 am.

one simple message.
don't know if i should've sent.
didn't know what i wanted,
or what i would expect.

my hopes.
my dreams.
they screamed
for something outside this reality.

but my God,
my God,
what's this mean?
is silence only heard by the proud and cowardly?


shalom.

babies, wake up.

when babies come awake
from their prenatal sleep,
God whispers them to take
baby steps with baby feet.
but this baby keeps dosing off. We
are only remembering when,
life worried more than coffee,
and hanging out with friends.

So, baby, rise to the occasion!!
and dance with me...
For life's got no invitation,
for those still asleep.


shalom.

"The Devil and God Are Ragin Inside me,"

and i'm afraid to admit...



that i'm letting the Devil win.



shalom.

i wish He would answer
the one question
driving bullets
in my eyes and heart.
but that is not
how it works.
and this is
no longer art.



but merely a disaster.




shalom.

it wasn't until working at a gas station through new year's eve/day,
that i realized:

my life is not what i want of it.









shalom.