word game: i vs. me

indiana was great. i got depressed or realized i was already. i laughed. i cried. my house was a mess. i got to see so many people and feel a lot of love from them. didn't get to say goodbye to a lot of those people. that really sucks. i was very perturbed by the circumstances, but no worries. i'm not leaving forever, so goodbye is not necessary.

now i'm in pennsylvania. the doctors' appointments are rolling on by. i wished my father a happy birthday, but he was asleep. i watch my cat trying to rid shimself of ear mites or fleas, whichever it has. i eat sometimes. i take medicines. i sweep. i look around. i wait. i go to bed telling myself all the crazy-cool things i'll do the next day. i wake up with an epiphany of how uncrazy-cool those ideas actually were. i look around some more.

that's my life. don't get too excited, i know. the only time i feel alive is when i hear from friends over the telephone signals. other than that, i attempt to make my life interesting by fretting over stupid things, like how i eat too much, how i don't exercise enough, how i don't have a job, how i have no friends here, how i'm a jerk a lot of times to my family, how my life will only be lived two months at a time because of the hospital attention i will need for the rest of my life... you know, things like that.

where is God in all of this? i know i can find Him somewhere, but, "looking for Him," just seems to say that God isn't right here, right now. i know He is. and, if He is right here, right now, then what do i do? do i merely accept that or do i take action? deep down, i want to change the world. a lot of my friends are in that after-college stage where, "i can't change the world, and i'm okay with that," is acceptable. that drives me bonkers, but then again, if i believe otherwise, shouldn't i be changing the world?

word games inside my head.
that's what i think all of this is.
i've just got to the point of boredom where anything is better than nothing. even word games inside my head, or writing the word games on a website where i can pretend millions of people want to hear me ramble on about my shallow, naive thoughts of what everything means. haha. and it's funny, because as i sit here contemplating what everything means, i know i can never figure it out by doing nothing.

do you want to hear more? no? well, that's okay i suppose. i'll guess i'll go play with my hair or lay down or something.

shalom.


p.s. thanks.