Here's the situation:
So, I sign up to go down to Louisana to help out with the Katrina relief, but I signed up to late, thus, putting me on a waiting list until someone drops out. That happened, but very late (I am not complaining, even though it sounds like it... a lot.) So, I had a couple of day to figure out how to get a hepititis shot by Thursday night, so that I could leave for the trip. Well, I went to get the shot, but realized I couldn't get it at that particular place because I wasn't going with AU... so, with only about a 1/2 hour left, I gave up (for a lack of better words). I gave up hope.
Did it help that when I called my parents to tell them, I got the reply, "you shouldn't go down there... you might get sick." What the heck?!? Come on! SHOULD I CARE THAT I'M GOING TO DIE?!?! especially, for the sake of helping/loving others??
Needless to say, when things didn't work out, I slept... for along time (14 hrs. to be precise)...
"Christianity is not easy," is what I told my friend as we were waiting for a shot I didn't even get. I said that, but then when we went the extra step to go to a different hospital, I told him not to worry about it and just take me home... I am a hypocrite. What happened?? What is going on?? System shut down....
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I have a blog. I don't know why I am going to this school. I don't know what I am doing after I get out of school. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should do (or if want I should do is really what I should do). I don't know if I want to hang out with my friends. I don't know if I want to go home and cry by myself. I don't know why all of this crap is happening. I don't know why I can't just get it. I don't know why I say I believe things, yet don't because I do not live them. I don't know how I am going to pay off all of my loans. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what is going on. I don't know if you should know this, for I am sick witnessing actions based on stupid guilt trips. So, I just thought you should know, but I don't want you to feel sorry for me, feel like you have to do anything about it, or need to give me more attention.
I am only writing this to let you know, because I do not want to pretend I am someone I am not.
shalom.
4 comments:
ry ry
theres a lot to this blog. you say a lot..and i hope that you struggle through this and learn from it and come out of it still seeing that God will provide for you!! RY he WILL!! he will prevail and i know you know that. but let it sink in..let it comfort you in some weird way even though you dont know the route that will be taken. I feel like you want to change the world so drastically and then get upset when you might mess up or really struggle through something..that is OK! if you feel like God is going to use you in a huge way, which i do think he will, maybe some of these have to happen to make you stronger. i tried calling you to just say hello and to let you know that i understand what you are saying..i understand the frustration and the constant mental battle...but hold on and go for the ride. know that you are loved and appreciated and respected by so many people. but even more that you are so highly looked upon by the Lord....even in the midst of screwing up or doing well. you are unique and special in the Lords eyes. ok well i feel like i wrote a book. i just....i feel what you are sayin....
ash
I think it was you who told me that there was no place for guilt in a life of a christian... i've chewed this thought over and over since you said it (or something like it) Do you still believe it?
We have repentance and we have grace- and between the two there should be no guilt. Is it possible to just skip feeling guilty? Know we are wrong, repent, and trust in complete grace without guilt seeping in?
Don't let the devil get a foothold.
And I know you're weary
I know you're worn
And I know your broken hearts been torn
And I see you weeping
I know your fears
But I am the smile at the end of the tears
And sweet sweet child
I wanna hold you awhile
And come away with me
And I know your troubles
I know your mess
And I know the words you can't express
And I see your doubts
I know your pain
But I am the answer that takes it all away
And sweet sweet child
I wanna hold you awhile
Come away with me
Ryan,
if you knew who this was comeing from it probably wouldnt mean so much to you, but, im gonna say it anyway. no matter what you decide to do you will succeed i promise. i remember when i was like 3 years old and i thought you could do anything, anything at all, and now i KNOW you can do anything if your heart is set on it. you'll figure it all out, you always do. i hope i am half a good of person as you when i actually start living my life. love ya. hope to see you soon.
*~* secret ~*~
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