"M to the A to the S to the K.

Put the mask upon the face,
just to make your next day..."

i don't want to be someone i'm not. Do you? i know i don't. i want to be real; not who someone wants me to be. i want to be "me". i want to be the one trying to be like God. i want to be "me". i'm not really sure this is, but i know that is who i want to be-- "me".

"Everyone wears the mask, but who long will it last?"

i realized today what will really put me in a bad mood. When someone tries to make me be someone else that i am not-- makes me do something i wouldn't do on my own accord. Warning: don't volunteer me, my stuff, or ask me to do something that i already planning on doing (goodluck finding what that something is;). Oh, i'll get fused, you can bet on that. Do i have the right? i don't know. that's not the point right now.

i realized today, that when someone plays the "cool card", i get fused. Why would one get furious at someone who steals all attention, and is just, plain annoying with their jibber-jabber that fills the air like a poisonous gas? i have every right? Right?

i then try to play the scene over and over again in my head, so as to dissect, edit, and re-cut the play. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Slow motion. Play again. No answers. Dang.

With the many repeating situations burned into the visually stimulated nerves located in my cerebrum. A hint, a clue, starts to creep out like a cockroach spying on the oh-so-obvious light that fills the room. Then....
a sprint into the room.

Oh man! Why didn't i see it? Why was it so hard for me to see this?
My own words, (C.S. Lewis', actually) spoken to an 8th grader, whisper in my ear.
"What we hate in others is what we hate wrong in ourselves..."

i hate attention-getters. i hate myself. i am attention getter. i want to be "cool". i want to entertain, i want to act like i care for care's sake. i want to be the one people always remember. i want, i want, i want. me, me, me.

"brothers be frontin',
then they be runnin,
i walk the street and camoflauge my identity..."

With wisdom as a sword (for once) i walk up to my hatred and jealousy. i raise my sword and swing faithfully and heavily, as if killing two men with one strugglin' swipe. The being across from me drops to his knees and keels over on to the gray grass. Pain sweeps into my side. i am wounded also.

Did i do this? Oops.

Blackness invades my vision. My body gets tingly, as if all my body parts are falling asleep simultaneously. Open my eyes. For some reason, my frustation is gone. i know longer care who is "cool" and i am glad that i am not "cool". i don't feel pressured to be extroverted and out-going all of the time. i want to be "me".

It looks funny now, that i was chasing after "cool", like a little girl chases after a timid boy, who doesn't want to catch cooties.

i struggle from the bloody grass; hand pressing hard on my knee. Stand wearily and one small step back to the beautiful forrest. Will i have to battle this enemy again? i hope not.
but, he tends to lurk in the shadows, ready to be ambush me, when least prone to resist.

"Everyone wears the mask, but how long will it last?"


Shalom.