I come to a point where life is frustrating.
I have had time to write on this, but I do not do so.
I don't write because I don't want to be honest about how I feel.
Because when I'm honest and it's not some sort of holy perfection of an emotion, then someone feels that they need to, "call me out," and give me some sort of speech about how I need to see God in this. Which is funny how people do that, because seeing God isn't that easy, from my experience. Not only that, but it just seems like something someone says to keep others from thinking about the sad in this world, because they don't want to think about it either. Like seeing God is just going to make you not care about the sad. I don't think so. I think God very much cares about the sad in this world.
All that to say: I shall write this. Read this if you would like. That is all.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to let people know how scary, how hopeless, how depressing my life seems at the moment.
I'm afraid to tell people that they have no right to tell me otherwise.
Any person would be where I am at emotionally if they had these events happening to them.
"It's okay," was never anything I needed to hear. I know it's okay.
I do have hope.
Hope does not make life any easier.
Hope helps me realize that pain does not last forever.
Hope does not alleviate fear of what may happen right now.
Hope gives reason to say that life is aiming towards something.

The fact remains: I am wore down to a nub. I hear, "Don't give up." I try and try again to fight against my brain when things get too hard. It never helps. Problems seem to pile up on the highway on my back, until I cannot take the weight anymore. How can I not give up when mostly all of it points to giving up? There is only so much a human being can take. I pray to God that I am not given too much too handle.
This life will go on until then, so therefore I must walk where I can.

Shalom.