Mr. Crohn's

Missing Cat/ Missing Wife

2011-11-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

I always think that people have motives.
Maybe it's because I don't know if I even have motives... for anything.
If I figure out there motives, maybe I can learn how to make my own?
I'm just getting older.
I'm thinking I'm getting a lot older than I actually am.

Umm.
*Sigh*

I don't have new thoughts. Well, I can't remember if I did have some recently.
Nowland, one of our cats, has been missing for a week.
We looked at the animal shelter, even.
My wife was gone for a week, as well.
She came back, though.
I thought I would have this great time on my own.
You know: "Guys night out!... Video games!... Beer!..."
Not really.
She's more a part of me than I am, at the moment.

shalom.

Again?

2011-11-03T14:41:00.002-04:00

I'm still lost, still frustrated, still looking. I googled "brainstorming techniques". A website suggested that I think of what my hero, mentor, etc. would do in my situation.

That's been my problem this whole time.
Ever since the debt and sickness, I've asked what Jesus would do.
And, honestly and sadly, I don't see Jesus ever being in my situation.

I know that's a whole can of worms.

I know deep down that I HAVE to be wrong. I have to feel hope for this life, this world, this man.
I'm so blinded to my own.

I notice I ask people to call me out if they care for me; tell me if I'm doing anything wrong.
I think I'm just scared to decide for myself.
I get on this computer every week, looking for someone to make a decision for me.
I leave empty handed.

I don't want this.
I want more.

Shalom.

p.s. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

Lost: Season 1,029.5 What does it mean?

2011-09-29T11:47:00.000-04:00

An hour or so of searching for seminaries, graduate programs, and jobs. Clicking on this. Clicking on that. Typing in things like, "Top Ten..." and, "What is the best...".
I stopped and the thought came: "I am literally lost."

I thought I have been lost for the past several years. Now I realize, I've just been scared or apathetic*.

(*News Flash to you, right? I'm almost positive if you searched main words from the past seven years of this blog, apathetic, scared, lost would be the three most common words.)

If a person were to hike in the woods and suddenly realize he had no idea where he was, would he be lost?
Is he lost if he simply realizes he is not sure where he is?
Is he lost if he commits to keep searching without finding?

One forgets where he is, yet can still find the way he is going.
One travels the, "wrong way," yet can find how to get back to the way he is going.

Now if one were to look around, notice that he knew not of the surroundings around him, then decided to take a seat on the closest boulder, log or hill, would that be considered lost?

This is really not some zen-way of saying, "it's the journey, not the destination..."
What I am trying to state is that staying put, or waiting for life to decide for itself, is not a form of being lost.
That may be good. That may be bad. That is not lost.

Until fifteen minutes ago, my depression, boredom, and lack of value were thought to be affects of being lost.

I am not lost.

I am Ryan.
I work a job to pay off my student loans. I pay my student loans because I realize it is my responsibility to pay for my over-indulgence in education. I struggle to find a profession more practical to my passions. I married my best friend because I want to spend my life with her. I own three cats because I am 27 year old, male, spinster (Who crochets....). I drive a huge car because it seemed reliable. I recycle because my wife tells me to. I don't read the Bible because, honestly, I've just been lazy and, partially, because I do not think reading the Bible determines your status in life. I do not attend a church service because I work on weekends. I watch one movie a day, on average, because they fascinate me; even the bad ones. I believe in a man who was perfect, was love, was God, and is alive somehow. I drink beer and whiskey because I enjoy the taste. I don't make art any more because I struggle to see the impact it will make. I write songs with my guitar because they seem like small prayers that no one shall hear. I live in Indianapolis because my wife is a talented actor. I don't call my long-time friends and family enough because I think to much about my problems. I think about how my life sucks because I want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel sorry for me so that they will feel compelled to solve my life for me.

Ten seconds ago, I wanted this life.
Seven seconds ago, I thought, "I hope I'm not having some manic fit..."
Five seconds ago, I laughed.
Three seconds ago, I felt satisfied with where this free-writing led me.

And Now,

SHaloM.

Monks had a few things right:

2011-09-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

Don't push your mission on someone else.

I React Without Thinking

2011-08-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

Aside: sorry i was getting slammed with spam comments, so now you have to have a google account to comment. hopefully it will get better.

I think- nay- I react most of the time to what people say to me.
I seem to wait for loved ones to hurt me, then I hurt them back or make them feel bad for saying something so desolate and mean to me.
Yet, when I say mean things to other people (which I do a lot), I say, "Sorry, I'm kind of blunt," or, "kind of mean," or, "just being honest," or, "just kidding."
I've lost the emotional invovlement in a conversation.
I have turned talking into a battle where I am surrounded by the walls of my castle waiting to defend every attack.
I have become so self-involved that I cannot imagine someone with hurt feelings.
I only imagine myself with hurt feelings.
Disconnection. Isolation.
I have only supported my bad habits out of fear, out of disatisfaction with my life, or because I just didn't care. All extremely bad excuses.

Don't worry. I've got some extremely intelligent and profound excuses, as well.
I can tell you why I haven't traveled...Why I haven't gone to church... Why I haven't clean my living room. Why I haven't been healthy... Why I haven't acted unselfish and loving to the ones close to my heart...

None of these excuse are because I don't want to. I want to do all of these and a lot more things.
I only procrastinate or worry of the wrong in life. I only feel sorry for myself.

One thing my mother taught me, when I was young, about myself was that I always acted like a martyr. Like I was always being punished, made fun of, insulted, pursecuted, etc.
Note: It's sounds harsh. But, it has helped me more and more everyday of my life to hear that.
Humbleness is not earned. It is taught.

Will I ever give up excuses?

I would like to say "yes."

But I always think that.

"With every passing moment, there is a chance to turn it all around."

I can be who I want.

You can be who you want.

Nobody is out to get us.

People are broken and they will hurt us.

It plausible that someone f---s up. Not because they are a bad person, but because the worst comes out a lot easier than the best.

I have hope.

For me. For you. For the ignorant rascist with a good work ethic, I come in contact with 3 days a week. For the lazy back stabber, that works 4 jobs to feed her family. For the alcoholic who would give the shirt off of his back for you . For the homeless guy searching for food in the garbage when he could just ask for money with more ease. For the verbally abusive apologizer. For the materialistic saint.

My hope is not logical.
I don't believe hope has to be.
That's why I hope.

shalom shalom.

Pizza Dreams

2011-06-02T18:41:00.003-04:00

I never have considered myself a very creative person.
I am good at drawing, okay at painting, and decent at building things,
but not creative.
I have very creative dreams.
I need to start writing them down again.

And eating more pizza before I fall asleep.

Maybe that will kick start something.

I need to start picking up the guitar again and writing simple songs.
I try drawing, but I always start drawing things I'm looking at.
It's funny because if someone asked me to draw something specific, I could do it.
When it's an empty piece of paper and an empty mind, it is another feat.
I never went to art school, because I was never passionate about it.
Doing it all the time is hard work
I like learning everything, just enough where I'm good at it.
I don't know if that's because I want to be prepared to tell someone at any situation, "I know how to do that," or if it's because I get addicted to things rather easily.
The second I am interested in some certain hobby, that's all I talk about, that's all I do, and that's all I think about.

shalom.

p.s. I randomly decided to run 2 miles yesterday.
Timed myself: 15 minutes.
I impressed myself.

Sometimes I Write a Blog.

2011-06-01T14:23:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I forget how funny I am.
ha ha.
not really.
Sometimes other people forget how funny I am.
And how humble I am.

Zach and Ali got married Saturday.
I had to give a best-man speech.
I can't think about it ahead of time. I can't write anything down. I get so nervous, nauseous, and self-destructive. Last time I wrote down a speech was in 2003 (and, the whole commute there, I debated crashing my car so that I would have an excuse not to get up in front of everyone. Ridiculous).
Now I just think of 2 or 3 thoughts and go with it.
I even caught myself thinking about what I would say about Zach and Ali and started hyper-ventilating. So, I stopped and waited for the microphone.
Everyone laughed the second I picked it up.

Sometimes I hate myself.
Way too much.
Then I hate myself for hating myself.

Sometimes I don't do anything.
Wait, I mean, sometimes I do something.
I usually do nothing.
I realize that I am capable of do anything I want.
I realize that I don't know what I want.
I want someone to make it easy and choose for me.
No matter what it was, I would be great.
But I don't choose for myself.
I just wait.
I let my surroundings, my friends, my job build who I am.

Sometimes , most times, I over think things.

Sometimes...
Shalom.

twitsquarebook.com

2011-03-29T18:48:00.004-04:00

Now Listening to: Three Seed by Silversun Pickups "There's the line that is leading clearly feeding all The things I don't believe in but i'll step in once Again Cut in line to get closer to the source of all the Things I'll never belong to Step it up and sign right in again" Writing more than a funny sentence is irrelevant these days. That is sad. The day of the blog is long gone. "Fooled by the notion That the sums don't add up at all" My deep thoughts of loneliness trail by the streams of dried up creek bed. Wondering if any passing by travelers would pick up these unadorned peices of dirt and stone. Maybe one day to be adhered to one's ears as jewlery or a countless time piece dangling gently from the wrist of some wise old man with a story of coincedental found life and love from finding such a precious stone as this. We are lonely and depressed. Understanding how bad we have it and how much worse it could be. Living life lifeless and upset. A generation of gentiles generating general guidelines for one another, yet none for themselves. Whispering whims on the white lines. Branding black, block letters to break the blank space. Cracking the chest open of store-up memories and charged feelings. Carefully contructing sentences after days of yearning for someone to listen. Letting the music in our ears, hearts, and out of our fingers. Not letting each thought, which has immediately reached our mind, merely be texted and sent to whomever. Good intentions grow into media mania. I don't like where the future is going. Shalom. ps. hit me up on twitter ;)

2011-02-03T20:41:00.001-05:00

Bet you didn't know.

bet you didn't win.

Bet you didn't think that your life would begin.

with so many mistakes.

with so many regrets.

Bet you didn't want.

this.

shalom.

loose ends

2011-01-20T14:47:00.004-05:00

with everyday that passes, my days become blurred

wishing for youth in a bottle and dreaming absurd.

to every person i've ever loved before

to the ones with tattoo'd hearts

decisions are harder, more

than letting loose ends fall apart.

shalom.

Heart

2010-11-12T11:15:00.003-05:00

My resting heart rate is like 37 beats a minute.

I found this out after a colonoscopy.

I was "recovering", yet every time I fell asleep, the heart monitor alarm would beep.

Eventually, the nurse comes in and says, "just pick your arm up when it does that."

Which means I would fall asleep the alarm would set and I would have to move around to pick my heart rate up.

I think it's a great story that is applicable for myself.

The nurse said, "you have a strong muscle," but what I was thinking is:

My heart is apathetic. It only pumps vigorously when I force myself to do something.

So, I've decided to volunteer at a local refugee assistance program in my neighborhood.

It is definitely time to stop thinking about what to do and jump in.

With the body's actions, the heart reacts.

We are not divided beings.

My journey towards peace, love, and hope can only be furthered by stepping with aim, yet with blind eyes as well.

Shalom shalom shalom.

Has Fall Begun? I would much very so think so.

2010-09-24T12:09:00.005-04:00

This breezy cool and cloudy sky reminds me of being riding a bike to get everywhere; of the inconvenience of not having material things.

This is the first fall where I haven't been living in some sort of shambled state.

(i.e. no heat, no electricity, no furniture, no car, no phone, no money; usually more than 2 at once)

When J.R. and I lived on Arrow Ave, it was an adventure within four walls of a dank, dark, and dirty house located in the middle of the hood, a.k.a. the west side, of Anderson.

Staying up late covered with blankets.

Hands tightly wrapped gloves around beer cans.

Books read by the flickering light of a candle, which we found out was a lot more difficult than movies of older times portrayed.

Depression was accepted.

Dreams were discussed.

Honesty was never blemished.

We were consumed by this beast within a couple months.

Things went spiraling out of control.

We lost what we were looking for.

We lost our minds.

We fought.

I wouldn't trade that time in that house for anything, though.

We healed, bandaged the boo-boo's, and wrapped worthy wounds under used gauze.

That's a metaphor,

but, it really happened.

1910 Arrow Ave was a time more than a place, where I learned the importance of honesty and enduring friendship.

Don't know what that story says.

I've found out stories are more powerful than lessons of my opinion.

lom.

Do.

2010-09-22T18:10:00.003-04:00

Priorities.

Can't figure out if I want to crochet, volunteer my time to helping people, choose an insurance coverage, build a motorcycle, enroll in grad school, or jog.

I lose myself with priority.

I freak out and choose only one.

It's as if I have no option of doing all of the above.

I know I could, but when I try to decide which one to do first, I still freak.

Technically, I can only do one activity at one moment.

Which one goes first?

Thus, something happens.

I become a coward.

That is absurd.

I regret life and become bitter.

God doesn't have to punish us.

We do a good enough job on our own.

Don't worry.

Don't don't

Do.

Keep pushing through.

My wife has taught me that.

When in doubt. When depressed. When bitter. When apathetic. When self-martyred.

Do.

The soul and body are one.

What the body does, the soul does something as well.

shalom.

2010-09-18T12:00:00.002-04:00

When the "world" around me proves the stupidity of religion and the intelligence of science,

I can not help but think of the ignorance of a child who has begun to learn.

Learning information gives us the inclination to include that information in our beliefs.

"Because I said so," gets to our bones and boils our blood.

Why did you say so?

What logic do you have to say so?

I think that just saying so is not so.

I know that I could prove saying so is wrong in all senses.

I know that I could prove that if I let my thinking fill my mind and lasso itself. I could come up with some answer to all of these "things".

Now I know why children should be seen and not heard.

As should we.

Silence. Mystery. Confusion. Clarity. Harmony. Shalom.

These things exist for the parts of us that can't be thought through.

Shalom.

2010-09-17T11:20:00.002-04:00

Not until the world is crumbling around us do we start listening for God.

My world has not been crumbling.

It has been building up.

Becoming comfortable.

Becoming tedious.

Becoming busy.

Becoming surreal.

My heart. My mind. My spirit.

Have not been building up at all.

I have less emotions, thoughts, prayers than I did the day before.

It's not until someone else's world begins to chip away that I realize I am lost.

I come up with no answers, no actions, no hope, no shalom.

I can only become what I make myself become.

I can curse myself and blame it on God.

I can find a good job and pay off debt.

I can worry about when I'm going to change the oil in my car.

I can wonder if it's possible to follow Jesus when I remain dependent on a bi-monthly infusion.

I can watch more inspirational movies.

I can ride my bike more.

I can go to restaurants to taste something I've never had.

I can sit around and drink beer with my friends.

I can write a blog and hope it's changing something in my thoughts.

I can be shalom, without being without.

I can.

shalom.

2010-07-23T11:45:00.002-04:00

Religion.

Throw that word out and see how many people will get a bitter taste in their mouths.

Especially, if they're told that they are religious.

We want to believe that we believe something that can't be summed up in an organization.

I am so complex.

I am so unique.

So were those before us.

I will contradict myself a thousand times.

Because what I believe is a contradiction to human logic.

The kingdom is not this or that, it is an upside down world.

Religion, Peace, Human beauty, creativity, Science, Logic, Imagination can all exist on one plain.

Love is something severly abused, yet so powerful.

shalom.

Simple

2010-07-20T14:25:00.003-04:00

Monks have always been a paradox to me.

I don't understand how being a Christian without interacting in the world could help anything.

But, on the other hand...

Maybe they have one thing right:

Shut up and stop trying to attract attention.

90% of the time we speak to merely distract.

This is a proven statistic found in the imaginary survey to gain weight in an argument. (circa 2007)

Simplicity is usually the means of finding the answer to all of our unbeknown problems.

Why am I so depressed?

Why am I so bored?

Where are all my friends?

This is an extreme parallel universe to live in with debt, with marriage, with children, with convenience.

For you have already signed up for something that you now have to pay for, provoking to work a job you don't necessarily want.

For you have someone you care dearly about, provoking a ways of constant communication for security.

For you have someone whose future you can protect, provoking a means or movement so that there education can be bettered.

We justify everything we do.

I AM not saying these are bad things to do.

I pay loans, a phone bill, and a car payment.

Justification is the logical way we can say whether something is a good idea or bad idea.

That is fine.

It can be used the wrong way, I believe.

There is a way to live without all of the conveniences in life.

In a rich country it is hard to find, for convenience is so accessible, affordable, and comfortable.

Anyways,

I'm just saying is that when problems occur, usually the answer is to simplify life.

That is a struggle in this country.

In whatever way I choose, I hope that I at least never become comfortable with my decision and never too scared of a lack of convenience to change my mind.

shalom.

Challenging

2010-07-09T13:25:00.003-04:00

Last night Leah stated an observation about how I act with people.

I enjoyed it.

I can't really write it.

Some people may be offended/ take it the wrong way.

But I realized something from her comment.

She was absolutely right.

Hit it right on the head.

So I concluded:

I need to challenge myself more.

In the basic aspects of life.

I get depressed because I just stay alive instead of live life.

I merely expect something to happen.

This is so vague.

Sorry.

it's too challenging to write about how i should challenge myself.

shalom.

2010-07-06T18:32:00.000-04:00

2010-06-23T14:04:00.001-04:00

from: explodingdog.com

shalom.

Rags Next to Silk

2010-06-22T17:57:00.002-04:00

My first day of Orientation at Target Distribution.

Out of the big group hired, there was one guy who stuck out.

He was the same age as me.

He had been married seven years.

He had two children.

One was two and a half years.

One was five and a half months.

When held up to the silk tapestry, we realize how many rips there are in our fabric.

I am definitely not a grown up.

And, I am going to convince myself that that is a good thing for as long as I can get away with it.

shalom.

Speak Fido, Speak.

2010-06-21T18:31:00.002-04:00

Changed the look. Hope you enjoy it. If you don't, just act like you do.

Anyways,

I think I realize what blogging is for-- sharing wisdom.

The problem is that everyone thinks that they have wisdom to share.

I do.

I think it is because I am extremely humble... or modest.

Joking aside, this is my wisdom to share.

I started journaling on penzu.com again.

I felt much better from it.

We need to talk.

We need to be heard, if by our own ears, so be it.

Talking is the key, though.

My life, or my mind I should say, has been in a very rough place.

I think it has to do with the fact that I regret everything I say.

I hate my own voice.

That is not good.

The more I hate what I say, the more I say stupid things... the more I joke around... the more I avoid talking about serious things.

What a conundrum.

That is all.

For now.

sha lo m.

She is My Veins

2010-05-07T06:10:00.004-04:00

Gotta love spammers commenting on my blog.

I would protect it, but then people won't comment honestly.

Now listening to: Lykke Li

Dig it.

So, anyways, cant' sleep, thought I would write to yall, or to myself if it's not good.

My wife and I went out. Just us. Just Denny's.

Talking about church and friends and purpose and destination and happiness and loneliness.

Honesty.

Love.

It's hard to love someone so much.

I think we both thought that at one moment or another.

It's hard to be married.

I know we thought that.

You just think that being married involves constant contact. No breaks, ya know?

Next thing you know, we're paying bills, trying to do what we're separately passionate about, and working.

It's hard.

I love her so.

I want to be with her so.

I never wanted to be married.

Then, I met Leah.

She takes the blood from my heart and gives me life.

I would rather be arguing with her about dishes, then getting along with anyone else.

not much more to say.

just hope and pray and look for

ShaloM.

Well, What do you WANT to do?

2010-05-05T08:38:00.003-04:00

I realized something tonight.

"I am a good worker."

Why am I a good worker?

I learn much faster than average and work hard.

These are traits you see on resumes.

In the real working world these traits don't exist.

You see people who think they've been screwed over too much to work hard.

A much older gentleman came up to me tonight and said, "How many you got over there?"

You see, "over there," is Machine #3. That's where I'm usually put, or "rotated" they would say.

We work these three huge flat sorters on the second floor of the postal warehouse.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/usps.htm/printable

Each machine is about 10 feet wide and 50 feet long

On the side of the machine there are a loading station and 4 prep stations where the mail handlers work. Someone loads it at the loading station, it goes down the conveyor belt, then it is prepped at the prep station from the bin into a tray. The tray is sent back on another conveyor belt to the north end of the machine, where a clerk is watching/checking the prepped mail sent through the sorter.

Then it goes into the bins (shown above). Machines#1 and #2 have clerks pulling the full bins out and replacing them with empty ones. The full beens sliding down the conveyor belt (shown above) and go to the south end of the machine or the bullpen, where a mail handler puts the heavy bins into the appropriate cart, container, cage, etc.

Machines #1 and #2 also have bullpen workers.

Machine #3 is much more automated and does not have extra clerks or bullpen workers.

No one likes Machine #3.

I usually am always on it, though. With only 2 other people instead of 4, which makes the work quite harder and more frustrating.

Didn't know if you wanted to know that, but now you do. Actually, you probably don't. You probably just skimmed down my perfect description of my working world and headed straight towards the juicy stuff. You are a jerk.

Anyways, the older gentleman says "Yeah, I don't know why they work us only 3 people to a machine."

I said, "Well, you can try to break your back and make sure the mail is sorter fast enough, or you can just do what every one else does: Not care and work at your own pace."

"I can't do that."

"Well, then looks like you made your decision."

At this point, I realized that I must be pretty wise to give a 50 plus year old man advice.

Then I kept thinking and thinking.

I can do whatever I want.

And, I decide to work a job that requires no skill and has no potential to be rewarding.

Am I crazy?

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."

(5 bonus gold stars if you can tell me who always said that)

I have a jack-of-all-trades skill set, but with so much freedom I imprison myself with "what ifs" and cynicism.

What do I want to do?

It's such an easy question, BUT WHY CAN'T I FIND AN ANSWER!

SHALOM.

p.s. 9 a.m.: Going to attempt to sleep. Will the men chain-sawing the tree in our neighbor's front yard allow that?

To be continued....

I'll be honest. Rachel inspired me.

2010-04-16T08:34:00.003-04:00

I like to judge people. I like when people judge me.

That is okay on a basic, loving level.

But,

most of the time,

it is never taken lovingly.

That is true.

I'll go crazy if someone asks me, "Why did you do that?"

I will instantly sweat and panic and worry.

I don't necessarily understand implications of questions.

When someone asks an open ended question like that, I freak.

Because, I assume they are saying I'm wrong somehow.

That's just a recent development.

My wife can vouch.

My wife is my best friend.

I will throw a fit if she gives me an unapproved look.

I strive for her approval. Sometimes too much.

I ask her, "what do you want me to do?" A LOT.

I don't know what has happened to me, but with all of these medical problems, emotional breakdowns, cigarette binges, and lazy days, I am nothing.

Dirt.

Coming from me, this sounds very negative. And, it probably is. I am very hard on myself and generally depressed about my own worth.

I realize there may be a plus to this: I am blank. I am dirt. I am clay.

I am ready to be written, to be breathed into, to be molded.

Sure, right now. My form, my beauty, my purpose is less than significant.

On the blankest pages, were the greatest stories told.

I hate telling people my major: Christian Ministry.

Why?

I don't use it, therefore I don't understand it.

I don't live out my belief in the perfect Love, the greatest gift, the whole life.

Bonhoeffer said that believing was what you lived out.

I believe that.

Ha ha.

But,

apparently,

I don't believe in loving the poor, helping the hopeless, speaking the truth, listening to some one's heart, being a friend, or washing dishes.

I want to believe.

Open my arms and sink this torn and sweating heart under the tide.

The Heavens eavesdropping on submerging splashes.

Water surrounding me. Ending me.

A silence of angels and time....

Broken with one

single,

Gasp.

Now,

Life begins.

Shalom. and Shalom.

thank you, rach.

Lord of the Onion Ring

2010-01-21T06:30:00.003-05:00

Morning thought:

One ring to bind them. A bucket of onion rings to fry then have my stomach find them.

I guess that makes my colon something like Mordor. It is ill-terrained and inflamed.

shalom.

My Sister, Rachel, Is Awesome.

2010-01-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

Morning Thought:

Tuesday, 6:45 am

Twitter is a waste.

No one cares that much about you.

They might act like they do, so they can stop living their own life.

Any other reason is just rain on the garage.

My sister decided to paint a picture instead.

Now, that's amazing.

I order you to follow suit.

shalom.

p.s. **DISCLAIMER**Are you contemplating what, "rain on the garage," means? I just made it up. Well, I didn't make up rain or the fact that rain sometimes falls on a garage, but I just pulled that phrase out of my butt (not literally). I guess I was just thinking about incessant pitter-patter on a place that was invented to prevent that pitter-patter getting on anything valuable. It's kind of like listening to something/someone only because something device was invented. It's definitely a oxymoron-like idiom that I just invented, so you should use it in your next conversation. Please. It would really boost my self-esteem.

Ronery...

2010-01-06T01:19:00.003-05:00

The new year is starting really well.

I've decided to eat healthy, exercise, not drink as much beer or coffee... and the big one-- not to bite my nails! (that's the first time in my life i've stopped. I'm over a week strong!)

Not really for the new year's, but what a coincidence, right?

I have a couple interviews this week, so i might have a job soon.

June (my older cat) is getting sick, though.

I never thought I would cry over an animal, but I have definitely dropped some tears on the floor about him lately.

My wife is in Michigan for an acting competition. Now it's just chris, the cats, and I. During the day Chris is gone. I'm getting antsy.

If anyone's got some crazy ideas that I could participate in, let me know!

Shalom.

2009-12-31T04:30:00.001-05:00

Sometimes,

it's not until we fall back asleep

when we realize what are dreams are,

But,

only sometimes.

Shalom.

We Can't Be Who We Used To

2009-12-13T18:14:00.007-05:00

Now Listening to: Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie

"You may tire of me

as our December sun is setting

because I'm not who I used to be

No longer easy on the eyes

but these wrinkles masterfully disguise

The youthful boy below..."

I have so many reasons to be bitter.

I take 'em while I can get 'em.

Everyone knows that about me.

I will take the first chance to be bitter.

That's what I do.

I really don't want to be that way.

But, I deserve the right.

"... who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end..."

When my mind wanders,

I usually think about how C.S.Lewis said

that bad people say they are not so bad

and good people say that are no good at all.

"... But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident..."

It's relation to "what we deserve."

For example, "I've had a rough day.

I deserve a cigarette,"

or, "I'm not a morning person.

I deserve to be left alone."

We tell ourselves we received a poorly dealt hand, somehow.

Then, we let ourselves sell ourselves short.

We compromise,

because we convince ourselves that,

"it's only because..."

finishing the ellipsis with a tragic equation

that equals our lack of patience and will .

"...On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind..."

We dream. We ask, "What happened?"

We remember that something about us that we liked.

We remember relationships were a certain way.

We remember believing in something worth believing.

"..But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men..."

We have "deserved" so many things, yet they have ruined us. Left us. Erased us.

Things won't be the same. It's not going to happen. We can't go back.

That does suck.

BUT, there is always a way to yell, "clear," and rub the electronics together.

A quick jump-start for a ripped and mended heart.

Not quite the same, but just as alive as it used to be.

"...Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed..."

Shalom.

Oxymoron

2009-12-03T13:41:00.003-05:00

My Wife and I are 80,000 in debt because we wanted to be smarter.
How smart is it to spend that much money, when you never had any of it in the first place?
"...but, everybody else was doing it..."
oops.

Go America.

I'm tired of spending. That's all we do. That's the basis of almost every hobby. Video games. Computers. Phones. Clothes. Music. Cars. Beer. College.

Our society is based on money. Without it everything falls apart. That is just honestly sad.

I've thought about the middle ground of this money issue for a very long time. I've tried to tell myself not to be extreme about it.
BUT,
money just screws it up for us.
We tell ourselves that we need money to survive.
(i.e. "If I had enough money to take care of ______, then I would be able to survive.")

If we do need money to survive, then how am I alive? I have 80,000 in student loans and like 150,000 in hospital bills. I am negative money, as are many of us. Are we dead? I think we're told that we should feel death approaching when money is not found. I think we're given the idea of money being hope, love, happiness, responsibility. If it had no meaning, how would anyone get rich? Ahh... without being rich someday, what's the point of life? What's the point of life, if I can't "live it up" someday?
If money helps life going on, then what am I?
I surely am not dying.
I act like I am sometimes.
I am just very sick.
I am not dying.
We all aren't dying.
We are just expecting to die.
Which is worse for the spirit.

My G-d, my G-d, why have we forsaken ourselves?

shalom. shalom. shalom.

2009-11-16T23:43:00.001-05:00

we are all hypocrites,
we just fly different banners.

shalom.

2009-11-08T16:48:00.002-05:00

I find myself drawn to write on here.
To speak about the mistakes of life.
To address the hurts of us.
To turn to something.
But, i find no logical answer other than, "I want to boost my self-esteem."
The internet is being raped by people with good intentions.
We can blame everybody and ourselves for helping.
Oh well,
I think the truth is, that real change is going to to happen when I get out of this seat and stop typing.
That' my cue.

Shalom.

2009-05-08T00:38:00.002-04:00

Everyone keeps thinking that I'm just locking them out,
but actually I couldn't figure out how to shut down this blog.

I no longer wish to pursue this.

Farewell and good luck to you Internet-writers and readers who choose to continue to do so.

Shalom.

We Without Hope

2009-04-23T04:33:00.003-04:00

I think this Crohn's stuff may not go away. I was stupid. I could have prevented this. I could have not paid 35,000 dollars to study for a profession that won't pay american currency. I could have become an Architect, an Interior Designer, a Math Professor, etc. I had the ability to make money, get insurance, and be an american. I chose not to. Now, I can't do anything or go anywhere without suffering severe consequences. I can't depend on myself.
I am scared.
I am depressed.
I am worried.
I am tired.
I am disgusting.
I am ashamed.
I am unfulfilled.
I am incompetent.
I am lost.
I am hopeless.

But, for some reason, I have to say:
Hope hides in the blind spots of our vision.

My life makes no sense to this world.
This world makes no sense to my life.

But, for some reason, I think:
"Blink, Ryan. Dammit! Just blink enough and rub your eyes!"

We often think we have to force ourselves to believe in a perfect love.
No.
We merely have to let ourselves be loved.

That is hard to do...
because we down-right hate ourselves.
We have our reasons. Thousands.
Whatever the reason (no matter how eloquently thought or grammatically said),
it's bull sh!t.
God loves you.

I hope a ray of sun, a stranger's greeting, a friend's hug, a lover's voice, a pet's cuddling, a silly child, a homeless man, a great song on the radio, a hot shower, a sentence, or something ordinarily and extraordinarily beautiful can help you feel. I hope it can help you feel, even if for only one second, that God loves you.

shalom.

2009-04-19T18:17:00.002-04:00

MUTEMATH - Spotlight

Good music.
Shalom.

2009-04-18T10:36:00.002-04:00

Now listening to: Feist, Ra Ra Riot, Sufjan Stevens, Peter Bjorn and John, Explosions in the Sky, and things of such manner...

A beautiful girl and a shy sun convinced me to wake up.

Shalom.

Poverty, Hope, Peace, and Love

2009-04-16T16:23:00.004-04:00

Now listening to: Nas, Lupe Fiasco, Common, The Roots, and Kidz in the Hall

I can finally walk around and sit up in a chair. I got to go to my first restaurant in months last night. It was so amazing.
I'm still leaking, though. The whole keeps getting bigger. The pin-prick on my taint is now turn into a gaping whole that a pen or pencil could fit into. I hope it doesn't keep getting bigger.
Other than that, money.
I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in August. I just hope I'm able to work soon and that we can make enough money to start living without always borrow cars and what-not from friends. Plus, rent and loans need paying for. I always face the huge fear that many people do not understand. If I get a job that does not supply supreme insurance, I will get sick and could possibly die again.
Poor people have to make the decision of either working and paying bills while being extremely sick, or getting medicaid while not being able to pay rent or bills.
Some middle-class citizens try to tell me that poor being are the ones screwing up this system and they, "just need to get jobs, stop procreating, and keep their kids from being criminals."
Well, I'm poor. The system doesn't supply, doesn't create, doesn't fix, doesn't help. IT IS SIMPLY THERE. A conundrum of begging on your knees like a dog and being told, "If you try to do your own thing, we will abandon you the second you try."
I don't know what the answer is.
I know there is an answer.
I just am too blind of a sinner to see it at the moment.

Giving up on any hope, peace, and love is lazy and a bigger sin than we think. It's a sin that lets people die. It's a sin that puts people into slavery at cents an hour. It's a sin that sends us to covet our best friends and neighbors. It's a sin that sends us into a judgmental abyss. It's a sin that lies to us into thinking we're not that bad.
I'm not saying to make sure you see hope, peace, and love no matter what happens.
I'm saying to make sure you don't give up on trying to see these things.

Shalom.

Yesterday was an better day than most, lately.

2009-04-09T06:39:00.003-04:00

Things are seeming to get a little better.
I walked around the grocery store for half an hour (more like just leaned on the cart with as much as weight possible-- but I'll take what i can get).
I did dishes while standing up for about half an hour (and thought I was going to pass out afterwards).
I'm not bleeding as much and I don't have to take as many pain pills.
I just can't wait until I'm able to sit up without bleeding all over myself.
The doctor said he's not sure how long it will take to heal up.
I just want to be in a condition to have a job, honestly.
Loans, food, and trying to plan a wedding by the end of the summer seems impossible from my perspective at the moment.
I couldn't sleep last night.

Shalom.

OUCH!!!!!

2009-04-06T06:44:00.003-04:00

The worst part about these fistulas, is if I'm not lucky, air forces its way through the fistula in my taint/chode area. This happend about 15 times in the past couple hours. I've been screaming out loud and crying. It hurts sofa king bad.
I was trying to fart, but my body wouldn't let me, then all of a sudden-- BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!... BAM!.....BAM!
It would stop for like 30 seconds.
Then, I'm too paranoid to sleep, so I get on my house-mate's laptop. About 5 minutes later-- BAM! BAM!... BAM!... BAM! BAM!
The pain. All I can do is just scream and it's six in the morning. My house-mates are still sleeping.
Now, I'm just waiting to go to my infusion at 1:30.
I swear I'll crap and pee my pants before I let that air-crotch thing happen again. You have no idea how bad it hurts. Unless you stabbed that area with a steak knife real slowly.

shalom.

Raging Dragon Fistula

2009-04-04T09:55:00.002-04:00

So, in case you know me and you've heard I was sick and you're not really sure or don't understand what's going on with me, I will explain.
I have fistulas, a common part of Crohn's Disease. When one has Crohn's Disease or some other bowel related illness, the colon and/or intestines are very, very sick. They can be bruised, bleeding, ulcerated, inflamed, etc. Now, in my case, the walls of my colon became very ulcerated. Now what happened in my case (a bunch of times), if you can imagine, was something like this:
Pretend your staring at a wall that goes all the way around you. You are now in the colon.
Now, imagine you just threw a bucket of acid on the wall. It doesn't erode instantly, but after a while, a small dent forms, then the indentation gets deeper and a hole forms. It could be as small as the tip of a pen, or it could be bigger.
The first time I got really sick, the holes just stopped in mid flight and one stopped right near the skin and filled up with infectious puss. A lot. So combine the pain of the pressure of swelling and the pain of your tissue (of your butt) separating in big pockets randomly (right in the sensitive part of your butt!). The infectious puss (abscesses) close to the skin swelled up so much that they broke through the skin (on the inside of my butt cheek!) and the infection oozed out. So, now they were fistulas. A fistula is when an abscess makes it to the skin, forming a complete tunnel or hole from your intestine to the skin! So, if you can't imagine how bad this hurts, try to picture your most sensitive body parts having holes drilled through them. Just real slow...
The second time (this time) I got really sick, those fistulas (tunnels) re-opened, thus started to leak. My toilet paper expenses thus go up because I'm constantly trying to soak up the drainage. I go to the emergency room, they give me antibiotics, but for some reason the antibiotics don't work very much.
So then the process starts all over again... Except this time, the tunnel travels up into my perineum. Do you know what your perineum is? It's your taint, your chode, your fleshy fun bridge, the space between your privates and your pooper.
And do you know how bad it swells up?
Do this:
Stop typing, double-clicking, or whatever your doing (keep reading).
Look at your right hand.
Now clinch your right hand in to a fist.
Now place your fist between your legs, high up close to your groin.
That's what was going on with me, BUT UNDERNEATH THE SKIN!
After about 6 weeks of having that much swelling, it finally gets to the skin! So, now there is drainage constantly coming out between my legs like I'm a some sort of woman with the period from hell! And, it still feels like someone is kicking me in the privates. And, if I need to pass gas, but don't, the air forces its way into that hole in my colon wall and up through my perineum. I don't know if you've ever straddled a cactus, but that's the only thing I can imagine it feeling like. So, yes, I have to take a lot of pain medicine, and I still end up screaming randomly, and I have hold myself with my hands down my pants so I don't start crying, and I can only lay on my back, and if I sit up my butt will be covered in blood and puss, and I go through a toilet paper roll in two days by myself.

I'm supposed to get another infusion. That will help it, but, honestly, I don't think it will fix it. I bet you I have to get surgery sometime in the near future.
You know what that means?!?! I will have to have a colostomy bag!

Sorry if this is too much, but this is me. This is my disease. If you care about me, then you care to know.

Shalom.

Lying on My Back for Seven Weeks

2009-04-03T20:41:00.004-04:00

I just want to be able to get up and do something without the painful bleeding.
I've been lying in bed for about seven weeks!
Every once and a while I would try to get up and do something, but every time it would just get worse. 1. Went bowling. Was screaming the next day; 2. Walk around the grocery store for 20 minutes. Started bleeding profusely from my groin; 3. Did the dishes. Started bleeding even more and was screaming in pain the next day; 4. Went to Leah's play. My pants were soaked through with blood.
This sucks.
I can't work. I can't walk. I can't go out. I can't sit. I can't ride a bike. I can't go to a restaurant. Well, I could do this things, but I would have pants with blood all over them and I would be screaming in pain.

On the plus side: I get to sleep whenever I want. I have a lot of time to read. I have a lot of time to watch t.v. I lost a healthy amount of weight. I get to see Leah a lot. Leah does everything for me. She is an angel. If it weren't for her, I would seriously be dead or close to it. She has waited on me hand and foot without even complaining, even if I try to hassle her she just brushes it off. I sure am blessed.

Well, that's all I really have to write about today.
Wait. For you other bloggers, I would appreciate it if you would write more, because I've been checking your blogs almost every day and am getting bored!
Come on! Write anything!

Shalom.

We are okay.

2009-03-30T22:24:00.002-04:00

It still surprises me how shallow, fake, bitter, and blaming I can be.
I could make this about people in my life who struggle with these problems.
But, honestly, I'm glad I see it in them, because it reminds me that it's in my own fault.
I am imperfect... all of the time.
Given any moment, I shall ruin that moment.
That is okay.
We are all okay.
This is okay.

Peace and Hope are things that are accepted, that are chosen, that are practiced, that are searched, that are offered, that are denied, that are obliterated, that are killed.
The problem is that we often think that we have no choice to when it comes to peace and hope.
The problem is that we often think that peace and hope choose when they exist.
The problem is that we often think our actions don't affect peace and hope's existence.
We are the problem.
We are also the solution.
We merely have to accept peace and hope, no matter what the world may tell us to accept.

shalom.

2009-03-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

i'm in excruciating pain. i can barely walk.
please pray for me.

shalom.

Falling Asleep

2009-03-14T04:01:00.001-04:00

I started dozing off and mumbled something.
It was inaudible and was not words.
I don't know why I uttered these noises.

I started dozing off again and said,
"Things will change.
Life will be.
The end is near."

I do not know if it means anything.
Why did I say it?

Shalom.

A Fall of Mind.

2009-03-13T03:59:00.006-04:00

I am realizing that I do not belong here.
I am realizing that I hide Jesus from myself...
by denying there is anyway a kingdom of heaven could exist in a world, in a country, in a government so destroyed and meaningless.
Now I know, that to say, "It just has to be this way," is absolutely the antithesis of what Jesus intended for anyone who believed him.
I cannot give up trying to find Jesus Christ in the kingdom he has built.
I need to stop saving things for a place a don't belong.
I need to give away this Idolized empire.
I need to be blunt and say, "I don't want what America wants. I want Jesus. Just Jesus."

Yet, I still have questions with ambiguous answers
What do I do about the tremendous debt that I owe others?
What do I do/don't do about my medical conditions?
Where do I start learning?

I yearn again to be a crazy person who is desperately searching for Jesus Christ.

"...I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am fine..."

Shalom.

I don't know...

2009-03-11T03:19:00.003-04:00

I honestly wonder if we are worth being here.
I honestly wonder if we were built to fulfill hope, also.

There is a balance in my mind and I do not know where to put my pebbles.

I saw a movie that helped me see the hopelessness to our world and to humankind's answers.
I think everyone is misled by ambition in some way.
I think once someone believes they have the know-all solution to life, they are wrong.
I think that everyone is missing the greatest point of this life.
If I wasn't true about this, then I would see the world becoming hopeful.
I believe people are trying. But, then again, I do not see trying as means to help.
I believe I do seem some hope sometimes, but I question its existence.
It is difficult to explain.
I am still trying to see God.
It is rather desolate at times.
I do not want to give up. But, shall I change anything?
I do not want to give up. But, does it matter?
I do not want to give up. But, maybe giving up is the point.
I don't know.
Not right now, at least.
I search for a life that is meaningful and that is desperate,
but I do not see it in front of me at the present moment.

Shalom.
Shalom.

2009-02-27T19:58:00.000-05:00

Breathe.

shalom.

2009-02-27T08:14:00.001-05:00

I just made sure two children were sleeping for eight hours and got paid for it.
My job is so worthless.

shalom.

Awkward Eyes

2009-02-26T16:09:00.003-05:00

I hate when I see someone and they keep looking at me in an odd fashion.
I start thinking, "Why is this person so awkward?" There is just something about the way they catch eye-contact with me, that it just sends a chill to the bone. It drives me crazy. It almost hurts. They keep doing it, whether they realize it or not. It's only how I could imagine a monster would be looked at-- the person looking in awe, like, "No. That's not a monster. Right? Or is it? It has to be a monster. Just look at it. Oh, my gosh, it's a monster."
When someone looks at me like that, my brain can't help but to wonder why. Do I know her from some where? I think I do. Her face is very familiar. I have to know her from some where.
So, what do I do?
I go on Facebook. I do give them props for their accomplishment. It deletes the necessity to walk up to someone and say, "Where do I know you from?"
Anyways, it clicks.
She is that person. That really good friend to So-and-so. So-and-so must have told her about the huge mistakes I've made, probably because my mistakes affected So-and-so.
She is that person. She is that girl that thinks I am a piece of crap. Now I got it.
The thing is, I know I'm a piece of crap, so what am I supposed to do?

Here is why I am so bothered: I feel as if most people I know don't want to be my friend because of the huge mistakes I've made. It may not be true, I may just be a lousy friend.

I'm in Anderson, where all my friends are. I feel lonely. I feel like it's my fault for getting sick and depressed. I feel like it's my fault for leaving to get better. I feel like I've lost some sort of connection that won't ever be correct again. I feel like I truly don't understand anyone here any more. That sucks.

It may not be true. It's probably not true, but it's so hard not to believe when you can't stop yourself from feeling that way. And, I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not writing this so people feel bad. I'm just being honest. I'm just saying this is how I feel and I hate it.

I feel as if I'm alone.

Shalom.

From Bengal Tiger to Sea-Mail

2009-02-26T02:52:00.006-05:00

I think the government should supply a program where people can trade in a gun for a Bengal tiger, or maybe two wolves. Thus, two endangered species are rescued and anyone can feel like a bad mama-jama without shooting anyone.
This could go wrong, though.
If everyone decided to do this, we would be destroyed by beasts and people would scream, "IF I ONLY HAD A FIREARM TO DEFEAT THIS WRETCHED CREATURE!" or something of the sort.

--

I wish I could make money writing on this blog. By that, I mean I wish every time I typed the letter 'T', a machine connected to this computer would print a 100 dollar bill with my face on it. After a couple of months, I would take all of the Ryan Bill's and go to a random ATM machine. After I made a transaction, I would turn around and scream, "It's not all about the Benjamin's!!" then throw the Ryan Bills up into the air.

--

When someone asks you, "Late night last night?" You say, "No, I'm pretty sure it was right on time. It started around sunset and was over by 12:00 a.m."

--

I'm currently broke at the moment. I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read, "Anything will help."
I thought, "No, sir. If I go up to you and start dancing, it will surely not help. It may help other people start laughing when they drive by.
It won't help if I look at you in the eyes and say, 'Will it?'"
If I had a sign, it would read, "Will work for food. By "food", I mean money, and by "work", I mean ask you.

--

Gutters on roofs are a strange concept to me. Someone just said, "Dang it! Every time it rains I get wet while walking from the outside to the inside for a second longer than I would like to. I know what I'll do... I'll build something that collects the water on my roof and, uh... dumps it behind my house. And, I'll make sure it's hard as hell to clean out, so that I'll have a reason to be enraged with anger half of the year and and the other half of the year I'll have a reason to use my ladder."

--

I want to put a note in a bottle in throw it in the ocean. The note would read:

"Turn around
and run

to the nearest lavatory
to wash your hands because...
I wrote this letter
with my
feces.

Love,
Your Secret Admirer

p.s. Just kidding!
My friend
wrote this with my feces."

--

shalom.

Aliens, Dragons, or Whatever

2009-02-24T04:14:00.004-05:00

"For we were never discovering this planet,
marching across this earth,
covering over this terrain,
hiding in this ground,
digging to this core,
running from this sky,
or fighting for this realm.

We were merely trying to deny the fact that we were powerless."
--As written by Priest Propectirius in The Book of Deterioration

I basically just made this quote up. I just started thinking about the earth ending, or maybe alien invasions, or maybe dragon invasions, or whatever... I just thought it seemed like an open to some sci-fi intense novel about destiny and faith and doom and hope and grace, which would take place in the future... duh.

I don't know how someone copyrights something, but this is copyrighted by me. It works if I just say it, right?

Shalom.

p.s. I like you guys.

Almost See

2009-02-18T17:55:00.002-05:00

I am starting to get that feeling, again, that I can almost see God.
In a movie so cheesy, when my brother hurts so lovingly, when my girlfriend talks unhindered, when my sister writes brutally honest, when a comedian talks about how he is clueless, when I fall into a nap...
I don't think I've seen God,
but it's just like if I squint my eyes hard enough,
and if the light is just right,
then just maybe I will.

This is weird, because I've felt pretty worthless lately.
But, I don't feel depressed.

shalom.

One Of My Quirky Weaknesses

2009-02-15T01:50:00.004-05:00

I'm not a worried person, but there is one thing that terrifies me.
It's when someone gives you a message saying, "Hey call me. It's very important," or something to that degree.
Then they don't answer their phone, or you call back and they don't tell you what's wrong.
That hurts my heart.
As greedy as it sounds, I just want to know instantly that it's not that bad-- there's no need to panic-- a loved one is not dead.

I'm not doing this to call anybody out, because lots of people do it to me. This is just the first time that I have a really weird problem with bad news or no news.
I just realized it.
I love you all, but please leave a message in detail if you need to leave a message that is important.

Shalom.

Being White Despite Of the Lack of Pride.

2009-02-13T20:25:00.004-05:00

I decided to shave my face.
I look like a twelve-year-old boy now.
I realized last night that my dreadlocks and facial hair were shields for my own protection.
It's because I have a hard time associating with ignorant white people, which is most white people.
For some reason, me having dreadlocks and facial hair helped me cope with white people easier.
I guess it was a form of separation, not necessarily individualism, from the people that I wasn't comfortable with.
Leah and I went to a restaurant last night and our section was just full of obnoxious white kids who said stupid things and thought they were funny.
The saddest part is that I associated myself with them because of the way I look now.
I do feel angry that we have the same skin color. I do feel angry that I feel like I'm being misrepresented by them.
That's a little crazy, but only a little.
This is what Christianity has become as well. Christians left and right are embarrassed of other Christians because of the mistakes they made or still make, or just because they don't believe everything exactly as we believe.
There is a way that this is healthily done. This has to be done carefully, though.
We must feel grace, sadness, not anger and judgment.
The fact remains that the reason a lot people don't believe in Jesus is because of Christians.
We have to associate ourselves with them, whether we want to or not, because we have the same title of religion. And, because we are in automatic association with imperfect people we have to apologize for their actions because we are one in the same movement. Whether labeled "radical" "Presbyterian" "Catholic" "Church of God" "Prophets" or "Leaders", Jesus Christ's vision was for us to "be one", to be a body.
The other fact remains, though, that we are no better than anybody else-- that we are in fact imperfect as well. To love someone as yourself means to give grace to those because you expect grace from them. You expect not to be judged, so don't judge others. This is one of the simplest things to learn from Jesus, yet I am such an idiot, that I think I can justify my case to a perfect love by saying, "Well, that wouldn't work if this happened..."
I am wrong, but that is okay as long as I learn.
You are wrong, but that is okay as long as you learn.

Well,
Death Cab calls on me to rock out...
Shalom.

Jobless

2009-02-10T15:47:00.003-05:00

I feel like I am handicapped, like it's an impossibility for me to get my shit together.
What is wrong with me?
I am very sad, very angry, very hurt, very judged right now.
It's almost like I'm stuck in this weird place: I'm trying to realize I am a grown-up, but I'm also realize that I have nothing grown-up about my actions.
This sucks.
I guess this is what life is supposed to be, though.

shalom.

yeah...

2009-02-09T18:50:00.003-05:00

I don't usually talk about Leah on here, because I don't want to sound stupid-in-love.
But, I am stupid-in-love and it's because of her.
Leah is what I need.
She makes sense out of me.
She tries so hard just to love me.
She fits. Exactly.
I cannot do anything without her, no matter how much I may act like it.

shalom.

2009-02-08T19:53:00.002-05:00

I really miss my friends from college.
I love you:
Best, Mac, Fonzie, Ben, Douggie, Fenrick, Tandy, Terry and Karissa, Seegert, M.Scott, Greenlee, Kumfer, M.Smith, Amman, D. Skinner, Winn, the Rowes, Rahn, the soccer boys, Joe, Hunt, and many more that were so close to my heart.

Shalom.

Know No

2009-02-04T00:06:00.002-05:00

No, no, no. There is
no
absolute
way
that we would ever
know.
Know
what?
Why,
I don't know.
No
I don't.

Shalom.

Random Thoughts of a Post-Haircut

2009-02-02T19:53:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to get my life together. I'm not very good at it.

---

We all have shields. We often try to protect ourselves or others with them, which is ironic because they often injure ourselves or others, turning our shields into weapons.

---

I often give up if things are too frustrating. Being in a relationship has made me more frustrated lately than most things have, yet I have not given up and will not give up. It gives me hope that I can change for the better.

---

I have been more judging and gossipy then I have been in a long time. I hate that. I absolutely hate that. I don't like bitching behind people's backs. I don't like joining others in their endeavors of it, either. It's so wearing on my soul.

---

I really miss my dreadlocks. It's shallow, but I really do. I hate what I look like right now. I spend too much time changing clothes because every time I look in the mirror, I just look like a tool.

---

Money is fake. It is not real. It is an idea that is not backed up by it's logic, yet it controls the world. They are pieces of paper, yet they can make a person go insane with worry or greed or comfort.

---

Shalom.

A Grace Lacking Such Gravity

2009-01-31T18:28:00.000-05:00

No matter how good I am, I've still done things that I'm ashamed of.
Like a cancer, I have an x-ray vision to see the black spots covering my heart.
I don't even have to asked to be searched.
My hideous mistakes burn like acid reflux-- embarrassments to constantly swallow.

I am not unique, though.
Everyone has done things that are shameful.
No matter if the greatest mind, the strongest heart, the most courageous actions,
they still shall become a form of evil at one point or another.
Evil actions that seem to make a person evil as well.
Actions that condemn a person for the Hell he has tried to release.

Whenever I hear the news about so-and-so committing some crime, my hearts drops.
I can't help but think that I would rather be blamed for what they did.
Jesus already did this, yet I keep my deep, disgusting deeds to myself saying, "Well Jesus, I don't really think you want this... It's pretty crappy... plus, I just don't think I should give it to you because you don't deserve it. You never did anything wrong."
-- That's my 6th grade version of denying grace.

I think it's great to tell people that love is all that matters, but we often think of what it means to love and get very confused. If we just accepted and gave grace, we would then understand how love is supposed to be.

That is hard. We live in a society where everyone owes someone something. Jubilee is a foreign concept. We see grace as something that would set us free if someone gave it to us, but then when we think about giving it out it is seen as weak, dumb, and giving up. It would mean no longer being the judge of what others deserve. That looks not American, unjust, unfair.

Everyone walk in line.
Don't step out of place.
Don't follow the directions your heart placed in your shirt pocket.
Walk straight and orderly,
While curiosity sits in crinkled paper close to your chest.
Don't let the unthinkable happen--
Your fingers fiddle around to finally unfold the filler in the fabric.
Oh, my.
Close your eyes, open your arms, and try to fly to God.
No matter how many times your wings may melt.

Shalom.

25 Things for Those Who Haven't Seen Mine Yet.

2009-01-31T14:50:00.003-05:00

This is a pretty fun thing going around Facebook. You list 25 random things about yourself and then whoever is tagged in your note is supposed to do it as well. It's very interesting to read others' and to do it as well.

1. I did this because I would rather not be applying for a new job at the moment.
2. I get easily jealous of friends and strangers because I wish I was as cool as them.
3. I hate money so bad, but I want so much more of it.
4. The first movie I have ever cried during was Alladin.
5. In highschool, I thought I was gay because I didn't have a girlfriend, but then I found out I wasn't a few days later.
6. I used to get picked on a lot at school and in my neighborhood, which helped me use one of my greatest strengths: crying, so that my dad would scare them away.
7. 2 years ago I thought I killed an ant and started crying, then it started moving again.
8. I've always wanted to change the world and have nobody know I did it. Still working on ideas.
9. I've written songs on guitar and piano, but I would never sing in front of 2 people.
10. I think I'm a pretty good speaker, but I get so anxious and worried before I have to speak that I debate hurting myself severely (like hitting another car head on at 45 miles an hour) so I don't have to go without lying about why I didn't go.
11. I once had a dream of a car crash happening before the exact same crash I dreamed about actually happened.
12. I've never smoked pot and am kind of jealous of people who have. I don't know why.
13. I think it's funny that most people tell me that I seemed cocky when they first met me, because I hate myself more often than not which is a problem I'm trying to work on.
14. I have cursed like a sailor most of my life from 2nd grade until I went to college, then started again after college.
15. I nagged my mom about smoking and even threw away tons of her cigarettes, but then started after I turned 21. I just recently quit.
16. I feel lonely most of the time.
17. I always have hope for others' lives and the world no matter how depressed I get.
18. I never had a drink of alcohol while attending AU.
19. In college I almost dropped out my freshman year and rode my bike across the country to love people and learn about Jesus. My family had a lot of pressure on me, so I changed my mind.
20. I regret going to college to learn about Jesus. Well, not going to college, but paying 80,000 dollars I didn't have in the first place.
21. I pick my nose and often wipe in on the inside of the thighs on my pants.
22. If I knew I was going to die soon, I would go to Tibet to live.
23. I used to hate white people. I used to also never call myself white.
24. I miss a lot of my friends. I never really realized how bad I was at showing them I wanted to keep them in my life.
25. When I was an RA, I once punched myself in the face repeatedly so that I would be listened to.

Shalom.

Free

2009-01-30T17:58:00.003-05:00

I just wrote for 30 minutes and then held down 'delete'. It was a waste of words.
It essentially said, "I have all of these things to do take care of in my life and I am not."
I don't want to shut off. I don't want to throw a pity party. I just want to change.

It seems that "trying" to change has only changed things in they same way that Novocaine changes a decayed tooth.

Are we truly free? If so, why doesn't it feel like it? Where is the imaginary line place in our minds to say that something is or isn't possible-- that we are stuck?

"It is those that think they are truly free who are the ones enslaved."*

It is us who are truly free, but we have our excuses not to try to find out.

"It is only when we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."**

It is human to deny freedom for the sake of what we love.

Shalom.

*Paraphrased from Zeitgeist II
** From Fight Club

Right Foot, Left Foot, Now the Horns.

2009-01-26T18:36:00.007-05:00

Left eye won't stop twitching, flinching, clinching, hesitating to blink.
Mind does the same, while often stopping, waiting, dropping by to think.
Stomach cramping, raging, and rampant of daily mo'knot'ony.
Hands scurrying like cowards, struggling, and wrestling with 'real life' or a close proxy.

As if I'm watching a marching band, that I've orchestrated,
topple over each other in a crowded street,

my helplessness consumes me.

shalom.

I Am A Level 4 Epiphanger.

2009-01-22T12:07:00.005-05:00

I think in the 20's of our lives we all start realizing things, whether they may be true, partially true, or utterly false. So, I'm just going to label us Epiphanagers [i-pif-uh-ney-jer].

Yes, I just invented a new word. Or just combined epiphany with -ager...

I want to mix it up a little more and distinguish between Epiphanangers. For example, a 20-year-old is a level 0 Epiphanger, a 21-year-old is a level 1, etc.

I don't know if this may change the world, but at least it will make growing up not seem as crappy and mundane.

---

The microwave is very convenient, but honestly, it makes my food tasted like it got created by Green Lantern, who are one of many comic book characters that had a ring that could, basically, do anything they wanted if they had enough willpower to make it do as they wished. One of these powers, if you haven't guessed it yet, is to make objects out of green "solid-light" energy. I'm just saying that if Green Lantern made me a sandwich, it would probably would be like biting into solid, diet, seltzer water without the carbonation and make my tongue taste like radiation for weeks.

Last time I checked there were only 3 things (popcorn, potatoes, and hot dogs) you can cook in a microwave without them tasting like a crappy version of the food you actually wanted. And, those three things can be cooked many other places instead of a microwave while tasting just as good, if not better.

So, let's just label this box with buttons with more appropriate name:

The Marshmallow Exploder.

---

Shalom.

Finding Peace.

2009-01-21T13:08:00.005-05:00

Now watching: Zeitgeist II

It is thought of to simply live in this world, then one is surviving. One is living.
I think we've come to the point where we are all asleep and we don't know it.
This world is not real, although, it may seem.
This planet does exist. These people do exist.
But, this planet has become an idea. These people have become numbers.
We have been sucked into thinking that if we make so much money, we will be free.
We are slaves who are clueless to what reality is.

It is times like these when I realize how real, practical, and relevant Jesus actually is.
It is also times like these when I realize that humanity may not even seize the chance to live real lives on individual levels until it is too late.
That includes myself, my friends, and people I may never meet.
I can't help but to think of a black-and-white video of an atomic bomb exploding.
But, I also feel that when everything is destroyed is also when flowers seem the most beautiful.

shalom.
Shalom.
SHALOM.

This may be the last post.

2008-11-28T00:47:00.003-05:00

I don't want to write anymore.
All I do is write about how I feel.
If I feel crappy,
which is most of the time,
it's just a like a selfish cry for help kind of bull crap.
If I feel good,
I just feel like I'm lying to myself.
No matter what the case,
it's just a unfulfilling waste of time,
because who am I kidding?
I have this personality that just makes people feel bad,
whether on purpose or not, and
I don't want people to feel bad for me.
If my life sucks it's my fault.
If I know why it sucks then I need to change it.
But, I don't,
so boo hoo,
who cares.

This is just not really helping anyone,
so I'm done.

.

2008-11-26T01:46:00.002-05:00

Listening to some death cab...

This is getting so hard.
Writing about it just makes my mind shut off.
I have lost myself minute after minute,
chasing my own tail.
Only to bite myself.
I don't know what I'm trying to do anymore.

shalom.

The L-Word

2008-11-25T14:35:00.004-05:00

Love is greatest.
But, sometimes, it does not fix anything.
Because that is not it's job.
Sometimes I just want people to listen, not love, not preach, not write in all caps...
I would rather have someone listen out of hate than to not listen to me out of love.

Listening is far more important to me right now.

shalom.

Just Sad and Tired.

2008-11-24T00:24:00.000-05:00

I have lots of hope for this world.
Yet,
I have saved none of it for myself.

I constantly try to hold myself back from saying, "Why the hell am I like this?!?"
Everyone has a moment where they realize they need to change.
I have one more often than not, lately.
Nothing changes.
I just get depressed and want to say that none of this really matters.
That makes people sad.
I don't like making people sad.
So,
I block it all out,
take it all in,
turn it in to silence,
and let no one see or hear.
Telling sad stories is appeasing to us for some reason,
but not when it is our own.

I'm not finding anything right now... and... I want to do so more than anything.
I want to find myself again.
I want to find my heart again.
I want to find my God again.
I want to find my discipline again.
I want to find my friends again.
I want to find my Leah again.

And not be someone who constantly needs caring for.
I don't want to be sick any more.
I don't want to take medicine any more.
I am so tired of this kind of life.
I am 24.
People my age are drunk half the time, not giving a damn about what happens next, blowing all their money away on stupid things, and traveling to where ever in this world sounds good at the time.
I don't want all of that.
I just want to not care about myself.
I just want to love people and figure out what that means,
but "I can't," and I still really haven't figured out why.

Close to 8,000 dollars every six months.
Just give it to some village, so they may live for years and years.
Generations of countries could live on the money spent for my medicine.
That screams to me, "NOT WORTH IT!"

I'm sorry.

I am just overwhelmed with the sadness of what "the future holds."

shalom.
i really hope,
shalom.

2008-11-24T00:13:00.000-05:00

Relax.

This was not intended to be an attack,
but a reminder to teenagers to just think about what they go through
and to use it and to learn from it
rather than stay the same forever,
because that is just sad.

shalom.

Teenagers

2008-11-15T10:51:00.003-05:00

Having a job with teenagers,
I have realized that I work with the most selfish and blaming people ever--teenagers.
They can't help it, though. It's a process of life. Figuring out yourself is hard work. I can't even blame them, because I did the same thing, had the same personality 5 years ago.
I just hope to see them grow out of it healthily, rather than get stuck in it.
Right now, I guess I just see myself there to help fight it.
To let kids know that life is hard, not impossible.
To let them know that every one's parents messed them up emotionally some how, but everyone gets over it, or should, at least.
To let them know to be honest and take the blame for yourself, not to lie to everyone (including yourself) about who's fault it is.
To let them know they are so cool, they don't have to try so hard to impress their friends.
To let them know that fashion is very unoriginal and expensive.
To let them know that discipline with what you do is the only way anyone makes it.

Unfortunately, some teenagers do not learn these things.
Then, they become horrible, struggling adults.

Shalom.

crash

2008-11-14T12:05:00.003-05:00

This world is crashing.
There are so many problems.
So many questions.
So many answers.
Yet, we cannot rely on this world to fix itself.
We can only rely on the change of ourselves on an individual level.
Believer or not,
no one can tell me this world would be worse
if we all started trying to act with more love than we are used to.

I don't see anything but good
coming out of an attempt
to be like Jesus Christ,
believer or not.

That arises the question:
Are we willing to be more concerned about others instead of ourselves?

That is hard to answer.
We have so many reasons that we "can't":
Medical Fiascoes.
Depression.
"Not enough" Money.
Difficulty.
Too Busy.
Danger.
Ignorance.

I know these reasons
aren't really good enough reasons
to not to attempt to love, to help, to sacrifice a little more each day.
Yet, I still contradict myself by not doing this.

We are all guilty.
We are also free.
To choose right.
To choose wrong.
To re-evaluate.
And choose again.

shalom.

2008-11-07T02:10:00.005-05:00

Maybe I am a little too tired, but this is what I think:

Everyone one of us tries to be God.
We judge.
We judge others.
Boiling down the basis of another's actions. Determining whether they deserve heaven or hell. For eternity or for this moment.
Or,
We judge ourselves.
Wondering if we will ever do the right thing or if we maybe have life right.

We don't know.
But,
it makes it a lot easier to guess.
It does.

Yet,
nothing is solved.

Fingers are merely pointed.
Deciding to jam a digit into another's breast bone,
or into our own.
Giving pain like it is something to be passed on-- to take turns with,
or to hurt ourselves so that we don't have to think about what really hurts.

Life already has enough pain and enough answers.
Why try to add more?

Maybe I am just tired,
but that is what I think.

Shalom.

Hide and Go Seek

2008-10-29T07:45:00.004-04:00

This past week has really been a trip for me. There came a moment where I finally realized what I am lacking in relational communication. It's quite difficult to change something about one's self so drastically.
Everything comes with time.
Our hope.

Our dream.

Our love.

Our purpose.

Our life.

I used to tell spoiled youth group kids, "Imagine where Jesus is, then go there. Imagine what Jesus is doing, then do that."

I will admit,

I haven't seen Jesus in my life at all, lately,

but,

I just know he is there.

Waiting.

For what?

Now, that is the question, isn't it?

We all have things that Jesus is waiting for us to loose.

fear.others' judgements.preconceived notion that no one listens.schedule.bitterness towards the other person.possessions that possess yourself.need to be right.bottle.reasons to not do. the mistakes.oh, the mistakes i make. dear God, forgive me.

We shall all be lost at one time or another.

No one can be found if they hide from everyone, especially themselves.

Like hide and go seek games that we try to lose.

The loser is the winner.

The one who is found is no longer lost.

Come out of your best hiding spots.

shalom.

2008-10-23T11:29:00.002-04:00

I don't know where to place myself, in this pendulum. I think about the problems in my life, then I make a choice. I either blame others or I doubt myself entirely. Right now I am doubting myself. I don't want to be caught in a cycle, but, then again, I want to understand myself so that I'm not trapped in this lonely desperation that I often find myself in.

shalom.

Baby Tooth

2008-10-16T12:23:00.005-04:00

Where is the line?
Of caring for others and of caring for yourself?
I feel selfish for saying this,
because I feel as if the "body of Christ" would let me die,
like I'm a baby tooth holding on for dear life;
only being pushed out so that I may be stored under a pillow.

I want to say it's not true,
but I can't.

It's just lonely,
when contradictions of love arise,
when it seems that I have nothing to offer worthy,
when I feel God trying to tell me different.

I used to be bitter about this and I think I deserved to be,
but bitterness only lasts so long until it turns into sadness.

I think about this a lot.
I want to stop being critical and start being practical.
I'm not just comlaining for the sake of complaining.

shalom.

It remains.

2008-10-14T12:00:00.003-04:00

It remains:

I contradict what I believe many times.
I am far off from living the things I preach so highly about.

but, never the less...

shalom.

Answered Prayers of the Material Variety

2008-10-14T08:02:00.003-04:00

I believe God does answer prayers.
I also believe that God waits for us to give answered blessings away;
That we were to never keep them.

I say this because,
The only way I can make any sense of this world is by one thing:
Love.

The only way I can understand love is by seeing it as one thing:
Giving away the blessing you have been given (or think you have earned).

Without question.
Without shame.
Without hesitation.
Without payback.

shalom.

Purgatory = Indiana

2008-10-12T13:49:00.002-04:00

I have learned to play, "Everything in it's right place" by Radiohead, on the piano.
That is something to brag about.

What goes on with me? You surely know. You surely don't. I'm no more sure of that than you may be.

I am getting a little sick. I still don't have health coverage to live in Indiana.

I am in purgatory; A place I thought I didn't believe in.
More Catholic than I expected to find myself.

I still have hope.
Friends have offered to help.
I'm not going to start dying yet.
The fact of that, makes things a little less stressing.
I do not have enough free time to make that infamous list of, "things to do before I die",
so if death started nearing, this would be the first time I wouldn't be ready.

I wonder if certain people would ask me where my faith is in all of this.
I wonder what that phrase means anymore.
A goal of my life was to make faith something to do, to live, and to not praise yourself for having.
My faith is in Jesus Christ, still. It has not bended.
I still don't know what it fully means to believe in Jesus, (Either do you.)
,but I do strive to find out, still.
This is not really a "sufficient" answer for most, but then again I struggle with giving Christians "sufficient" answers.

Shalom.

Why do I keep on with blog, blog, blog?

2008-10-06T00:58:00.004-04:00

Now listening to: William Fitzsimmons

Every couple of weeks, I'll go through and sort of lump-read all of the writings that my friends have posted on their blogs since I've read them last.
For some odd reason, I noticed something on my round-a-bouts this evening.
Not for the ones who decide to no longer write on these webbed journals,
but for the rest of us, who keep persisting, for whatever reason:
(Trust me. I don't mean to be rude with how blunt I shall be in this next sentence.)

It seems that we're all just filling the Internet for the sake of filling the Internet.
We're all just doing this cycle.
I don't whether it is good or bad.
Are we too consumed of our consumer-selves in a consumer society?
Am I too numb to the beautiful cycle of human being's thoughts and jots?

I can only answer for myself.

I use this as a tool to say, "I've been honest enough tonight."
I use this to reassure myself, "I am witty and intellectual with words."
I use this a as cry for help sometimes.
But I never actually cry to anyone.
And I never accept real help.
I use this because sometimes I just like to write and know someone will read what I've written.
I use this as a type of traditional prayer-- waiting for God to spark something with in my practicing fingers-- maybe a revolution.

And sometimes,

I don't know what I am trying to do.

Isn't that life?
We do things blindly, hoping to actually see God working in our feeble hands.
Think to ourselves: This will do something for someone. I suppose that is a reason.

Shalom.

Our Ears. Our Hearts.

2008-10-05T13:57:00.004-04:00

I have called you children.
I have call you son.
What is there to answer,
if i'm the only one?...

I believe this world can change. I believe all the truth shall break free. Our ears shall finally know what it means to hear. Our hearts will finally know what it means to listen.

Morning comes in paradise,
Morning comes in light.
Still I must obey.
Still I must invite...

I believe this world will change. I believe one person will understand what it means to be free. Our ears shall finally hear this voice. Our hearts will finally undestand freedom, as well.

If there's anything to say,
If there's anything to do,
If there's any other way,
I'll do anything for you...

I believe we know the person who has the blessing of leading a world to better. I believe we dream about that person. Our ears hear their name ring through our ears. Our hearts skip a beat when the thought of them enters.

I was dressed embarassment.
I was dressed in white.
If you have a part of me,
wil you take your time?...

I believe a person walks this world waiting for a sign, whether knowing it or not. I believe no one will give them that sign. Our ears shall be listening to our own voices. Our hearts will be too comfortable.

Even if I come back,
Even if I die,
Is there some idea,
To replace my life?...

I believe that person will be ignored deemed as nothing more than ordinary and average. Our ears shall be put to the test. Our hearts will be too concerned with being correct.

Like a father to impress,
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess,
I'll do anything for you...

I believe that person will end up not talking as much, because the world will not listen. I believe it will be too late for most to change their minds about listening.

I have called you preacher.
I have called you son.
If you have a father,
Or if you haven't one...

Our ears shall start bleeding. Our hearts will stop.

I'll do anything for you...
I did everythign for you...

Shalom.

2008-10-04T12:52:00.002-04:00

I come to a point where life is frustrating.
I have had time to write on this, but I do not do so.
I don't write because I don't want to be honest about how I feel.
Because when I'm honest and it's not some sort of holy perfection of an emotion, then someone feels that they need to, "call me out," and give me some sort of speech about how I need to see God in this. Which is funny how people do that, because seeing God isn't that easy, from my experience. Not only that, but it just seems like something someone says to keep others from thinking about the sad in this world, because they don't want to think about it either. Like seeing God is just going to make you not care about the sad. I don't think so. I think God very much cares about the sad in this world.
All that to say: I shall write this. Read this if you would like. That is all.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to let people know how scary, how hopeless, how depressing my life seems at the moment.
I'm afraid to tell people that they have no right to tell me otherwise.
Any person would be where I am at emotionally if they had these events happening to them.
"It's okay," was never anything I needed to hear. I know it's okay.
I do have hope.
Hope does not make life any easier.
Hope helps me realize that pain does not last forever.
Hope does not alleviate fear of what may happen right now.
Hope gives reason to say that life is aiming towards something.

The fact remains: I am wore down to a nub. I hear, "Don't give up." I try and try again to fight against my brain when things get too hard. It never helps. Problems seem to pile up on the highway on my back, until I cannot take the weight anymore. How can I not give up when mostly all of it points to giving up? There is only so much a human being can take. I pray to God that I am not given too much too handle.
This life will go on until then, so therefore I must walk where I can.

Shalom.

2008-09-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

"It's funny how people only say that after they do something bad.
I mean, you never hear someone say, "I'm only human" after they rescue a kid from a burning building."

-United States of Leland

Happy = Good?

2008-09-20T02:09:00.003-04:00

Now Listening to: Lupe Fiasco

I can't accept what I type when I'm am happy.
Is that an obvious coincidence?
I feel blind.
Being happy merely makes me frustrated.
All of what I want is obscure and blurry.
All of what I want to express is exempt.
Creativity is creatively kept from creating.
Is happiness blind?
Is happiness ignorant?
Is happiness fake?
I hope not, but I don't feel like a real person when I am happy.

I don't have the experience to say so, though.

Shalom.

2008-09-17T16:30:00.001-04:00

I am having a very good day.

That is all.

Shalom.

2008-09-14T07:06:00.002-04:00

shalom.

Fake it, Con'td.

2008-09-12T13:39:00.004-04:00

I may have come to a point where my own hypocrisy plays into this.
Because I do struggle with not doing things that are to better myself.
What happened is I met with an accountability group every week, or every other, or whatever.
The point is I've decided not to go.
I don't feel like it, but that's not the reason I chose not to go. That was just coincidence. But, again, I say that was not the reason.
Here are my reasons:

I felt like that I already knew all the guys in this group. I wasn't learning anything more about them from the group, but I was learning things about these guys before. So, it's like what's the point?

I felt like there's just too many people. We basically have hour to talk about what's going on. That is hard to do with six people.

I felt like it was said, "this is a commitment." But, honestly, it never seemed like one. If one person didn't show up, we wouldn't meet. If two people had a leadership meeting, we wouldn't meet. If nobody was going except for me and my roommate, we wouldn't find out until a half of an hour before we had to meet. There was not commitment. If someone couldn't make it on the one day a week we wouldn't try to figure something out so we could meet. We just would skip it. Inconveniently, every time this would be canceled, I would really need it.

I hate the fact that "we", as a generation, society, whatever, need to set aside a time to be open and honest with other rather than doing all the time. Maybe that is just me, but I feel that I try to be honest with people all the time and try to listen to people being honest all the time. Maybe I'm a freak, but I feel honesty and vulnerability are quiet necessary in all aspects of life. Having a group to do so, just isn't necessary for me.

Lastly, I just had to ask myself: Is this bringing me closer to Jesus? Is this helping me become a more holy or better man?
And, the answer was "no".
Not because of the people in it.
Not because I was a little frustrated with one of them.
Just because this group thing isn't for me.
I don't need this group to know the things I know about these guys, or to keep learning what's in their hearts, or to have them ask me what's going on with my life, or to tell me the latest thing they've learned, or to tell me what they think Jesus meant, or just to sit.
But, I do need friends.

Sorry that was so long.
I keep finding myself having to explain it to friends.

Shalom.

Fake it.

2008-09-10T15:26:00.002-04:00

Now listening to: Josh Garrels

I find myself getting angry with everyone, lately.
I know that only means there is something with myself that I am angry with.
That could be, oh, so many things.
I do understand that I am angry with myself.
I can probably list the reasons and how I have convinced myself thousands of times to not stop doing so.
There comes a point where I try to find the balance.
I am a sinner. I dream of Jesus.
I should be upset with defiled sacrifice. I should be glad that he merely wants a sacrifice.
But with my anger, I have not had love or joy in my heart,
which means my balance is too lop-sided.
I cannot prove myself wrong. My logic is set.
I must believe that body and spirit are one;
That if I attempt force my body to find Jesus, even if my heart may want it,
and that my spirit will get something out of it also, even if I may not notice it.
We always thought, "fake it to make it," was such a bad phrase.
Everyone, who attempts to be a better person than they are now, is faking it.
That is not wrong.
It is only wrong to believe that you are a better person than anyone else.
Shalom.

2008-09-08T13:44:00.001-04:00

I haven't had a constant thought in my head for weeks.
shalom.

Work, Sleep, then Work

2008-08-31T06:05:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I was at work 8 hours ago and am about to go back.... dang.
I was having a weird dream.
I was working at the youth center,
then I got lost and scared.
I found myself in a unit where a kid chopped another kids hand off in self-defense.
I remeber thinking, "How could I ever restrain this crap?"
I went to take a break in the woods.
Me and an Indian couple were smoking amazing cigarettes that we bought together.
Finally I saw my friend, Dan, walk past and away from us to the road.
I asked where he was going.
He gave some bullcrap answer.
Then, I yelled, "You know what I think? You're just afraid!"
The End.

Why are my dreams so detailed?
It's like they're more real than my life when I'm awake.
Maybe I'm Neo.
Maybe not.

Shalom.

p.s. I like my job.

Free Write of My Mind

2008-08-29T11:39:00.002-04:00

I realized Anderson is the place I've lived longest.
I don't like the sound of that.
Maybe others do. That is fine.
I don't feel like it's a home town.
I don't know. I love the people here.
Leah still needs to finish school.
I need to pay bills.
I can't pack up site and leave immediately.
Well, I can, but it wouldn't be too smart.
So, how do I learn to love a place that I've hated 98% of the time?
I love how everyone told me that the friends you make in college are the ones that last a life time. I certainly believed it. I was very close to them.
Once our senior year came around it was a different story.
I miss them.
I feel I am too different from them.
Then again, I feel I am too different for most people.
I am unique.
Just like everybody else.
I probably just insecure.
Most people are insecure.
I need to break the cycle.
I am sick of not searching for Jesus like a desperate dog digging in a rabbit hole.
With time comes change.
With change comes knowledge.
With knowledge comes ability.
Enough time has passed for me.
There is an answer somewhere in my heart to all of this existential malarkey.
I shall find it.

And, meanwhile...
I'll brush dem haters off.a

shalom.

2008-08-20T22:49:00.004-04:00

When Will Everyone Stop Focusing On How They Are Such A Victim?
Myself included.
And yourself included, too.

Life is tough.
That should not stop anything.
Being a martyr for martyrdom's sake is stupidity.

Shall we stop hindering what this life is actually capable of?
I sure hope so.
Myself included.
And yourself included, too.

shalom...

Up and About

2008-08-14T15:41:00.003-04:00

Now listening to: Sufjan Stevens

"On the floor at the great divide,
with my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied...

i am crying in the bathroom"

There is so much in this life to worry about.
There is so much of this worry to use at any one's expense.
Especially our own.
Worry is more abundant than money.
Worry is less fulfilling swallowing air.
Yet, it is spent and consumed like a drug.
When God comes down on my face like a ray of sun,
I cannot imagine what will come.
I can only feel my face soaking up the burning heat,
In the most glorious of ways.

"Oh, the glory that the LORD has made,
And, the complications when I see his face in the morning in the window.
Oh, the glory when he took our place,
But, he took my shoulders and he shook my face and he takes and takes and he takes."

Shalom.

2008-08-07T23:42:00.002-04:00

I wrote this at work. It's very Mewithoutyou influenced:

It seemed so easy how you led my blind eyes astray. What did I expect from a blind man guiding the way? Like a felt-tip marker on a Bible page, my foolish words of ignorance and rage bled through the message we've believed for billions of days. No longer literate of parable and praise. Only jet black stains translated into foolish paraphrase. Now, at this eleventh hour, when there's no truth to read... I realize how much more of my silence the world actually needs.

shalom.

Direction of Life

2008-08-07T23:30:00.003-04:00

Now listening to: City and Colour

I'm starting to wonder where everyone is going.
Not in a heaven/hell sense, but maybe,
because heaven or hell, I believe, are the lens into which we see this life.
But, I think I mean more in a way of what someone wants.
That's become very interesting to me in the past 24 hours.
I just want step up to someone,
raise my head,
and solemnly say,
"What do you want your life to be?"
And if that evokes a passion to assist them,
then so be it.
But, if they just need to let someone hear what they truly want,
then that is just as well.

So, to the random Internet hitchhikers and wanderers of the web,

What do you want your life to be?

I just want...
shalom.
In the deepest sense of the word.

SHALOM.

World

2008-08-07T12:46:00.007-04:00

"In the world I see, you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned super-highway."
-- Fight Club

I see nothing of this world.
I really wish to.

shalom.

Proximity of Hope

2008-08-03T22:10:00.003-04:00

Can I plunge
my hand
into the earth
and stop
the world
from spinning
out of control?

When I'm where
I am right now,

yes.

I believe so.

My vision is clear by one thought.
My proximity of hope.

shalom.

w h e r e i a m .

2008-08-01T04:20:00.004-04:00

Honestly,
am I separated from everything?
Because,
it feels that way whenever I look at my life.

I can barely remember how to "get back",
or what it even means to do so.
I know I need to start over.
Head to new point of perspective.
I believe I shouldn't look through my eyes anymore,
but how do you see new hope, new life, new faith,
without the eyes embedded in your face?

True repentance is true change.
God's hand is needed.
First I must find that hand.
My plan for "following Christ" has been set in stone
because of my stubborn mind,
but the tablet needs broken.
Blank prayers are thrown up.
Silence is horrifying.

Every person stumbles through a desert sometime.
Not everyone leaves.
May I not be the doubtful one to say,
"We have no idea what a different place looks like.
It may be dangerous.
It may be fake.
It may be desolate.
It may be worse.
So, I'll just stay in the desert
because this is the way it is
and the way it is what I know."
May I not be the cautious one,
who waits for the promised land to come,
who takes joy in living in misery,
who lies awake hating the desert I am in.
Rather,
Let me be the one who blindly follows
what seems to be whispers
into a journey that is unknown.
That is my prayer.

shalom.

Part 2 of a Pendulum Writing

2008-07-29T19:54:00.003-04:00

On the lighter side of things, I am getting pretty stinking tan.
I still haven't received a pay check.
I lost my cellphone.
I have learned how to "handle with care" at work, which means I have learned how to be a humble bad ass (if that exists... well, actually Jesus was, so, then, that is a correct match of adjective and noun) and restrain youth.
I have eaten for free for a very long time. That is a blessing, but my belly is getting a little too pudgy for comfort. Literally, it's hard to sit up straight.
I went to a church service for the first time in lots of months. I enjoyed it.
I rode my bike across town. Painful, but very empowering.
I get to see the love of my life approximately 5 days.
I miss her so.
She is, honestly, my best friend, which I never thought a girl could be my best friend.

Yeah.
Mushy.

SHALOM.
Sorry Mr/Mrs Anonymous for being so snappy,
but you did something worse than hurt me,
you almost crushed every reason to believe in myself.
I couldn't let that happen.
It's taking a long time for me to finally believe in myself,
And, I don't want that taken away again.
I hope you understand.