everything has changed

now listening to: William Fitzsimmons' myspace page.


I remember being in college and being so passionate about so many things. I remember thinking, "I am not going to lose this passion like everyone else when they get older."

should I decide it's true...

I remember thinking it. I remember feeling it. I don't remember believing it. I remember actually being scared that it would happen to me as well. I didn't know what to do about it, so what did I do? I tried to figure out what to do. What does that look like? Like ten cups of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, and a greasy spoon diner. I still wonder if it was even worth talking about over and over and over and over and over...

everyday's another chance to bury my regret.
everyday's another chance to make it,
but i can't.
but i can't.

The therapist in training tried to give me advice, but I think we both saw nothing wrong with who I am trying to be. I still feel incomplete, worthless, and lazy. I know something is not fully right.

Everything has changed...

My dreams are getting more vivid as I get older, though. We all floated down the safe part of a river. I fell down the plunging waterfalls and rapids and almost died in the dam at the end of it. Then my mother's apartment was abandoned, dark, and dirty. There was a dead body with maggots in the mouth. The dead man was me.

Then who was I?



shalom.