The Infamous "do".

now listening to: "down the line" by Jose Gonzalez
this song is amazing. check it out on my space music or something else trendy and easily accessible.

I didn't have a cellphone all my life. Honestly, I wish I did because I've lost so many friends from a lack of contact. Maybe I just want all those old friends back; not the cellphone.
I was starting to say something... What was it? Oh, yeah: I have a handful of friends I keep in touch with these days. Almost every time a conversation takes place with one of these friends, the infamous "do" comes up. You know the one I speak of. It usually follows after, "What are you going to..."

My response is repetitive: "I don't know."

Here's the thing about me if you didn't know: I try to act like I don't care, because if I don't care then life (or lack there-of) can't bother me, right? Wrong. I know it's wrong because, in my mess of a mind, I am worrying, crying, or just plain angry a lot of the time.

I want to do everything. I want to read books, write books, play guitar, learn to play other instruments, write music, listen to music, make clothes, make art, make stuff, make movies, watch movies, travel, hang out with my friends, hang out with my family, smoke some cigarettes, be homeless, love people, love God, and make some damn money to pay off this hideous debt that is accumulating from college and hospitals.

This would be so much easier if I had the super-power to duplicate myself. That is greedy, I know, but it's not like I want to conquer the world.
Ahhhh!
I don't know. I am incredibly ungrateful for my life, at any given moment. I want to be grateful.
I sit up all night, not able to fall asleep, but just praying and thinking of what the hell will ever make me appreciative of the life I have. Nothing ever happens. I just end up thinking about how I have hurt so many people and been the exact example that I don't want to be: A boy who has grown up and not tried harder, but not because he doesn't want to, but because he has no idea of what to do.

I keep doing certain things, though. I take my medicine. I eat. I play my guitar. I sing. I sit. I smoke a couple cigarettes. I write on this web page.

It's much easier to figure out why you like doing the things you do rather than to not like anything about yourself and figure out how to be someone else.

shalom.