"tie me up, untie me, almost wishing i was dead,

it's getting it's getting old. it goes on, but it's old..."

man, i don't know what to do anymore. this is all so tiring.

should i treat someone like a wild stallion? do i just keep chasing something that doesn't want to be caught? or do i treat them like a human being with resposibilities?

i don't know.

i had two and a half days off. nothing happened. a dear friend told me i suck and truly meant it and a girl told me she's not suprised when i mess things up. these two things happened at the same time.

needless to say, i sat on the kitchen floor crying for about an hour.

it's so hard-- pushing in, that is. always streching yourself out to everybody, even when they're not letting you in. the church i go to, the friends i talk to, the girl i like. and it's not like these are small parts of my life. these are the biggest parts of my heart that i care about. Ahhh!!! was this supposed to be hard? did i make it hard? are they making it hard? i don't know.

but i do know that i hurt and i'm exhausted,

but i have to keep on living how i feel i'm supposed to,

right?

shalom.