It's 1:53am and i'm gonna pee my pants.

now listening to: nothing.

so... here am i... life is droning past me like a hive full of mindless worker bees.
i look to the left and say to Robe, "You found purpose yet?"
i'm referring to the night last week when i walked out to the parking and found Robe and Randy in the middle of the night on the back of Randy's pickup truck with random whisps of cigarette smoke floating in the air.
"whataya guys talking about?" i wonder
"Just how there seems to be not purpose in our lives," Randy admits.
Damnit... i've already realized two weeks ago, when my girlfriend left for home, that my life is purposeless. i'm already depressed. i don't want to think about this.
We talk about how we don't know what we're not doing-- how we don't know what the full-lived life looks like for us. Right here, right now, in Anderson, IN. A town of a dying economy. A town full of drugs, unemployment, and racial ignorance.
i work at a gas station. i see the same 200 people every night. They are lost for the most part, but they have more purpose than me. Sad.
i'm starting to wonder who the Jesus is i'm following.
This is my oppurtunity for ministry. i realize that. But, what do i do? Smile more? Hand back change faster? Clean the windows twice instead of once? Say wise things? Buy more people packs of cigarettes?
--(someone just walked in the room.)
Hmmm... great. A mild interruption. My train of thought is dead now.

i'll let you know when i find purpose.

shalom.